I watched him walking to our bus stop Monday morning.

It seems like everything is in in slow motion as my heartbeat beats harderthe closer he gets to me.
He's. just. So. ..perfect.

Everything about him.

He's over weight but that doesn't bother me that much.
His personality, he's so cruel and mean to other people,I shouldn't like him, I should hate him for that. But why don't I?

why Do I find myself.. Attracted to him?

"Hey douche bags" he says.|
I look away from him. Ignoring him. Ignoring the feeling of him standing a few steps away from me.

"Hey Cartman, did you see what Kenny found in school last Friday?"

Stan asked. "No, what he find?."

"Kenny found porn magazines in Mr. Mackey's desk"
Cartman looked at Kenny

"Kenny, Why the hell were you looking in Mr. Mackey's desk?"
Kenny shrugged.
"I don't know he was out so I toke a peek" he muffled through his orange pakka.

Stan laughed "Haha that's funny Kenny, who would have thought Mr. Mackey looked at porn?"
Stan and Kenny held their stomachs laughing.

I can feel it.. I can feel it any second now he's going to look over here. I just know it..
As I predicted Cartman looked at me. He frowns

"What the hell you looking at asshole?" "nothing" I lamely reply.
"Good Jew."
"You know the Jew jokes are really getting old Cartman" say.

"their still funny" "no their not" "yes they are" "no their not" I clench my fists
"No their not!"
"Kyle, just ignore him, he's just being an asshole." Stan advised me.

"Oh yeah, well at least I'm not a goddamn Jew with a stupid bitch mom"
"don't call my mom a bitch Cartman!" I yell.

"she's a bitch, she's a bitch, she's a bitchbitchbitchbitchbitch"

"STOP IT!" I can feel the blood boil inside me. I hate him. I hate everything about him.

"just shut up and leave me alone." I turn my back

"what's the matter kahl, you got sand in your vagina?"

"No I do not now shut up before I kick your ass."

"Your on your period again aren't you?" he asked.

"you guys really need to stop fighting , I'm really getting sick of it."

"Oh, sorry I'm not entertaining you Stan because all I want to do is impress you." he shot sarcastically.
Stan was making a comeback but I wasn't really paying attention.

I was caught up in my own thoughts. I'm just relieved Cartman isn't focusing his criticism on me on me anymore.

I'm thinking back to a few moments ago when I felt all I felt was hate for that bastard.
And now I'm stuck right back to where I was before..
Staring at him. Staring into his hazel brown eyes and as his face cringed when he makes a comeback to Stan.

Somehow, the way he fights back, the way he seems to be in control over the conversation making one smart ass remark to the next kind of ..turns me on.
Self confidence and authoritive.. wait a second why am I thinking like this! STOP! I push the thoughts out of my head and Stan and cartman are still fighting.

At least Its not me.


School was fine, then at the playground things started. (yes, in Colorado, even 9th graders have a play ground)

Me and Stan are on the swings and Cartman is talking to Kenny out on the feild about how poor people cant play dodge ball..
Its probably about the game everyones playing in the school after gym today.

Stan is talking to me about what he should get Wendy for her birthday.
"I don't know what to get her dude, "chocolate?" I ask. "No, something that's going to last."
"A ring?" "too expensive."

Stan was talking but then blanked out at the sight of Cartman tugging the dodge ball away from Kenny.

"no Kenny your too poor!" he yells, Kenny muffles something

"Noooo Kenny! Kenny! give me the baaaaaaaaaalll" he wines.

Kenny was fighting to get the ball away from Cartman.

I couldn't help but notice when Cartman was tugging the ball away from Kenny
a little bit of his skin was showing, as he bent over huddling the ball away from Kenny.

I Stared for a long four seconds, then got snapped out of it as Stan interrupted my thoughts

"Are you even listening to me dude?" "Oh yeah. Sorry." I replied, Stan looks where I was staring,

"Cartman give Kenny the ball!" Stan called "No he's too poor!" he loudly mumbles back,
still arching the ball in his possession while Kenny tries to grab it away."He's such an asshole." Stan says to me. "yeah" I agree."

I thought,

But Cartman had the ball first..Wait.. WHAT THE FUCK! Why am I defending him?

Stan ignored the incident and went on about what to get Wendy for her birthday.

School went by fast. At the end of the day, Stan stayed after school to play dodge ball with everyone else.

"Are you sure you don't want to play Kyle? it'll be a lot of fun. I Heard Craig's team is hard to beat though."

"No its okay, My mom wanted me to come right home after school to watch after Ike" I lied.

"Well okay. See ya dude." he waved and ran off. "yeah. Later dude" I called back.
I'm actually glad Stan isn't riding the bus home. I need some time to think. I don't want him going on and on about Wendy.
He's my best friend but Its really getting annoying.

I rode the bus home thinking about this stupid issue, which shouldn't even be an issue, because it shouldn't have ever happened!

How could I like that fat fuck after everything he's ever done to me?

Its been this way for as long as can remember. I started liking him during the middle of fifth grade year.

I'm in ninth grade now. Freshman.
Wow, four fucking years I've liked that fat fuck I'm suppose to hate.

I don't remember how it happened it just did. It shouldn't have but it did.
Whenever I'm around him I feel nervous and I can feel my palms sweat, and my cheeks burn up. Not like anyone notices.

He makes me feel.. weird.

Its heard to explain, I HATE him, but I LOVE him.
I HATE him so much I feel like I want to grab hold of his neck and choke him, then I feel I want to kiss him.
Kiss his skin, his skin looks perfect, so perfect yet so fragile. I like to think, he's a mean manipulative and cold on the outside,
but inside he's a caring nice genuine good guy. I have so many doubts on that theory but It makes me feel less guilty
of who I'm attracted to.
For two years I've denied and fought the fact I liked him at all. Then at the That second year
I've come to terms and accepted that I like him.

Unbelievably.

I feel more guilty for being a homophobe.
I try not to think about weather Ill go to hell or not.I get home, and lie on my bed.
Trying to clear my head.
I cant obsess over this guy. This has to stop.