"Get the hell away from me!" Jim screamed as he shoved his first officer back, his eyes red and puffy. He knew he looked like a mess, but he refused to act weak. He was a captain; he couldn't allow himself to be weak.
"Jim, please I-"
"I said get away!" The human cut Spock off, not willing to listen to any of the bullshit he was trying to spew. Taking a deep breath, he turned away from the hybrid and placed a hand on the back of his neck, a calming mechanism that wasn't really working at this moment.
"You fucking lied to me, Spock…" Kirk mumbled before turning around, pointing a finger in an accusatory manner. "You told me that there was no news of her, that they hadn't found her yet."
Spock tried to inch closer to Jim, tried to reach out to him. "Ashayam, it was not my intention to cause you distress."
Kirk back up the moment Spock's hand rose above his waist. "No, no, you do not get to call me that. You do not get to call me 'Ashayam' or 'K'diwa' or 'T'hy'la' and think I will just sit down and let myself cry on your shoulder." He sneered, his upper lip twitching. Letting his shoulders drop, the captain brought a hand to his face, digging the heel of his palm against his eye.
"You know, I actually wanted to fix things? When her team disappeared I thought 'shit I lost my chance,' but then they started showing up. There was hope for me that maybe I could find her and we could talk everything out." Jim sat on the edge of his bed and looked up at Spock. "The thing about hope, Spock, is that it is connected to trust. You tell me there's still hope and I trust you, or I did at least. Now, I'm not so sure."
Spock stood stiffly in front of Jim, his heart pounding heavy in his side. If it was not were not scientifically improbable, he would have been concerned it was about to burst out of his body.
After everything that had happened between them… After the regular nights of chess following Nero's attack when Spock noticed Jim flinching whenever he made a sudden movement. After Jim risked his career to save a first officer who unintentionally went behind his back and reported him. After Captain Kirk sacrificed himself for the lives of the crew of The Enterprise. After everything that transpired in the warp core…
"I wanted to protect you." The Vulcan tried to explain.
"She was my mother, Spock!" Kirk yelled before immediately withdrawing. "She was my mother, and you… you made me think she could be alive when she wasn't. If you had just told me, if I hadn't heard it from a fucking commodore I'd never spoken to before in my life…"
Jim stared into his hands, not even noticing Spock's movements as he sat beside him. The bed dipped slightly to the denser individual. Kirk felt a sporadic plop of some liquid onto his palms. Was he crying now? He thought he agreed he wouldn't be doing that.
"I know I do not deserve your forgiveness, and I do not expect you to trust me after what I've done, but please do not force yourself to be alone now, Jim." Spock pleaded with the human.
Kirk didn't have the energy anymore to stay strong. As the tears fell more and more frequently, he nodded slightly.
"Yeah, okay."
