Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Something in Your Eyes
(By LGR)
Chapter Prologue: Shattered
"I'm not as strong as you think I am…"
---
Hatake Kakashi silently stood in the late morning light.
The rays of the sun were diffused by a thick cloud cover and a light, grey mist and even murkier clouds could be seen marching across the horizon along with a chilly south-easterly wind, further darkening the landscape. The shinobi watched the memorial stone, making no movement except for the occasional stirring of his silvery hair in the harsh breeze.
During the day, no matter what he was doing, whether it be household chores, training or mission-work, Kakashi did not allow himself to remember his past: it only got in the way of his activities. Over the years Kakashi had grown very good at forgetting and purposely pushing back information to the recesses of his thoughts where they couldn't interfere with his functioning capacity.
It was only in the mornings, at this place, that he allowed himself to look back. Sometimes he wished he could somehow acquire amnesia and start his memory afresh. Then he wouldn't be practically phobic of doctors, he'd never catch flack for being late all the time, he probably wouldn't avoid social contact and he might even stop reading Icha Icha and never be accused of perversion again…
Okay, well maybe that wouldn't happen.
But all those little things that had integrated themselves into his behavior, those tinges of memory he had never been able to completely push back…they would be gone.
He'd think about it. And for a brief second, he'd want it. But then the price of that freedom would waft to the forefront of his mind and Kakashi would bang his head on the closest hard object. All the people he'd lost: Yondaime, Rin, Obito…Him…
They deserved to be remembered.
Even Him…
…
(…seven year old Kakashi stopped dead in the doorway of his house: that dark, silent house, which he and his father shared; that house that housed two ghosts.
His father stood not far from the door, the light from outside showing a silver-haired man sweating blood, shaking and staring fixedly at the blade of a wakizashi. Upon seeing his son enter the house, he looked up. Younger grey eyes met older, and in that second Kakashi was afraid.
Kakashi broke the silence, asking, "O-Otou-sama? W-What are you doing?" He couldn't help it. He wanted to be wrong despite that fact that he wasn't. Kakashi was never wrong in his approximation of a situation. He was a genius shinobi.
Last night, they'd had a strange conversation as Kakashi came home and met his father in the dinning room. The two never talked, and the sudden broach of tradition had confused the boy. Even more confusing were his father's words:
"Kakashi," Sakumo had begun, his expression far off and his voice hauntingly even, "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you: It's all my fault. I hope you can come to forgive me."
He'd always blamed his father for his situation. Because Sakumo had failed to follow shinobi code, he'd failed an important mission, and everyone in the village hated him. They hated him and they hated Kakashi because he reminded them of his father.
On the surface, Kakashi was distant and unemotional with Sakumo, just like everyone else was. But in that secret part of his heart, Kakashi could tell himself what he wanted to say: It's not your fault Otou-sama. I want to keep blaming you but I can't. I don't.
Kakashi was shaking at his place in the doorway. He didn't want to be alone. If his father was gone, he'd be alone. All alone. His father was the one who made his life the way it was; the reason he was alienated. But even so he was all Kakashi had, and he loved him.
His words from last night wafted into his mind so swiftly. He'd been so frightened this was going to take place, his usual shell broke like the pale façade that it was.
"No, Otou-sama…" he'd pleaded, without really understanding how he knew this was it, "Don't go…stay, please, I need you to stay with me,"
"You're stronger than me Kakashi. You'll be able to go on. Not like me."
Yes, like you. Everyone always tells me we're the same. Everyone's always looking at me and seeing you.
"No…I can't." This couldn't be happening. It was a nightmare. A horrible nightmare.
"Yes…you can. Son, I love you." The muscles in his throat were clenched. Kakashi could barely keep himself from breaking down in front of his father. His father who thought he was so strong.
He'd went to bed as usual, but by dawn he'd already arrived at the hospital and told them what had happened; how he thought his father was going to commit suicide. People he didn't know, who didn't even know Sakumo, much less cared about the traitor to the village, were sent out that morning to assess his mental health.
Kakashi had been a nervous wreck all day, just waiting for the ANBU squad training exercises that day to be over. The Doctors had already sent a note to him telling him that his worries were unjustified. But he couldn't help but think something was wrong, something was terribly wrong.
He'd known this was going to happen. He should have done more, should have done something. He'd thought the doctors could help…
Even know, he wasn't sure if he'd actually seen the stroke, or only imagined seeing it. But he couldn't shake the vision of the rising the wakizashi; it's metallic sheen refracting the light from unclosed shoji screens.
Kakashi had wanted to cry out but the short sword, guided by the hands of a master of the art of death, found its mark.
Maybe he'd seen it himself. Maybe not.
But it had felt real.
Blood. Blood everywhere. Blood on his face from sweating blood. Blood on his hands from making the wound. Blood on his clothes. Blood on the floor.
In the midst of it all, Kakashi barely managed to choke out: "I love you, Otou-sama."
Strangely, as if he'd heard his son's admonition Sakumo's face held a smile. The closest thing to an untroubled expression he'd shown in years, to the first time his son had shown him open love in what seemed like forever…
But even that fact,
couldn't change the blood. There was just so much blood…)
…
…"Kakashi?" a voice called to him but he couldn't respond; he was too caught up in the memory…
…
(…They had the same face. His face. They were the same. His Otou-san had been strong and he'd still succumbed to the call of death.
They had the same face but they were not the same…)
…
…"Kakashi! Kid!" the voice called again, this time accompanied by footsteps making their way to his location…
…
(…they were not the same. Kakashi wasn't his father. He wasn't as strong. Sakumo had said he was stronger. But he wasn't. He couldn't do it. He couldn't go on. He wasn't strong enough. His Otou-sama had been wrong…)
…
…"Kakashi," it was Jiraiya, but Kakashi still didn't speak…
…
(…Blood. There was too much blood. Blood on his father's hands. Blood on his own…)
…
…"Snap out of it!" The Toad Hermit reached out to shake the ANBU's shoulder but upon the close proximity, Kakashi suddenly reacted with blinding speed, grabbing onto Jiraiya's reaching arm with one hand, while with the other he simultaneously pulled from his hip-pouch a double sided kunai. Kakashi came to his senses before he managed to put into action a throw-down move using the apprehended hand, but it was lucky that his interrupter had been the Toad Hermit himself. Anyone else would probably have been stabbed, but the Sannin had easily snatched and held back the weapon-bearing hand.
Kakashi stopped dead, momentarily ceasing all movement, even breathing, except the uncontrollable shaking of his hands which had immediately lost all muscle tension, making their ability to hold onto their respective objects near impossible. Jiraiya slowly backed away as the double-sided Kunai fell from the silver-haired shinobi's grasp.
After a second he suddenly gasped, taking in long harsh breathes.
"Damnit, damnit..." Kakashi cursed as he tried to pull himself together.
Jiraiya let loose a sigh and a slightly worried expression directed at his former student's protégé. Kakashi could only wonder why the hell the old man was so worried about him when Jiraiya had been the one attacked. Sure he was one of the Sannin, but with the way Jiraiya was always going on about how the silver-haired shinobi had the potential to out due him, one would think he'd at least have been nervous.
Then again, it was probably hard to be scared of Kakashi when he was trembling like the frightened child he'd never been. It was a good thing that no one else was here to see this, although he didn't care about his reputation, he might be put under suicide-watch or in group therapy sessions or something.
He hated doctors.
"Another memory?" the pervert asked.
"Hai," was all Kakashi said.
Jiraiya looked like he was considering hauling the other ninja to the interrogations office and making Morino Ibiki rip the full story out of him, but the pervert seemed to realize that probably wasn't the best way to remedy the situation and instead kept silent. The two shinobi stood in front of the memorial stone without speaking, Jiraiya pretending to examine the surroundings as Kakashi used meditative breathing exercises to calm his quaking.
"So, Jiraiya-sama," Kakashi said suddenly, his voice now holding his usual languid tone, "What brings you out to see me?"
Jiraiya inwardly smirked. The brat had dodged further discussion by acting as if the incident just now hadn't even happened. There was no fucking way that such a reaction as the one the Sannin had just barely managed to anticipate had been from nothing. Sure it was Jiraiya's fault for interrupting a shinobi in the middle of a flashback-experience, but there was no way that was a healthy behavior; not as often as Kakashi had them.
The pervert gave the other man a stern glare, hoping to guilt him into dropping some kind of an explanation, but Kakashi only tilted his head innocently.
The kid wasn't going to spill. Not that he should have expected anything less.
The toad hermit didn't believe for one second that Kakashi was okay, but if that was how the kid wanted to play, then so be it; the younger shinobi had always been a loner who kept his true thoughts and feelings so far hidden that looking underneath the underneath still wasn't deep enough.
"See you?" Jiraiya responded, feigning confusion, "I just wanted to get away from that old lady's yakking!"
Kakashi rolled his eye, "Hardly," he stated matter-of-factly, "You knew I'd be here. So you must have come because you want something from me."
"Underneath the Underneath, huh?" Jiraiya smirked.
Kakashi's visible eye curved in amusement as he corrected Jiraiya, saying "More like the Obviously Obvious."
As if by some secret queue, both men left the memorial stone area and began walking back to the village, Kakashi taking the opportunity to reach into his Flak jacket and pull out an orange book: Icha Icha Tactics. Jiraiya's expression changed to a perverted grin at the sight of his novel, which Kakashi promptly ignored.
"So, kid," the toad hermit began. Kakashi didn't remove his eye from the book but Jiraiya knew he was listening, "Remember how I told you that Tsunade-baba was looking for an ANBU-sensei to train these three Chunin as new operatives?"
"And I suggested Yamato," Kakashi responded, eye narrowed in suspicion as he glanced from his book's pages to Jiraiya, "He's good with brats: As patient as a tree."
"These kids don't need patience, Kakashi. They need someone who'll kick their ass and take them to the next level, not coddle them. Yamato's good, he was your student and you know him even better than I do: He's just not what we're looking for. Not as a full-time teacher, he's unable to take the proper risks with young people to allow then to mature properly."
The ANBU sighed miserably, making Jiraiya feel slightly guilty about what he was about to ask, "What the hell do you want me to do about it?"
"Obviously you're not looking underneath the underneath, Kakashi-kun, or you'd know already," he teased, hoping a lighter atmosphere would help with the somber expression that was already breaking his resolve.
For his part, Kakashi did not like where this conversation was going in the least, "Oh, I'm looking," he admitted, "I just don't like what I'm seeing."
"Kakashi-kun, you're the best we've got and you're a damn good teacher," the Toad Hermit declared, trying to persuade the silver-haired shinobi.
"'Damn-good teacher?'" Kakashi scoffed, somehow feeling (and looking, Jiraiya was having a major guilt-trip), more despondent than even before.
Thinking about his past always made him feel rotten. Thinking about his past students made him feel dead inside. Had Jiraiya even looked at his track record? Obviously not, "What good have I ever done by any student I've ever had?" Kakashi demanded to know, but immediately regretted it. He shouldn't have asked that question, he could already see the wheels turning in his companion's head: Don't bring up Itachi, don't bring up Itachi…
"You taught Yamato and Itachi—" Fuck.
"And look what that got him?" Kakashi interrupted his voice tinged with regret and not a little bit of anger, "He murdered his clan and ran off to the Akatsuki." So NOT a good reflection on me as a teacher…SO not…
"But you brought him back," Jiraiya countered.
Yeah, he knew he was going to bring THAT up…
"Not because he wanted to come, I can tell you that," Kakashi really did not want to be talking about this. He was only supposed to remember in the mornings; he was done. He supposed to be able to relax for the rest of the day…
…
(…Kakashi stood exhausted and injured over a pathetic looking Uchiha Itachi. The once genius ANBU squad leader lay incapacitated, bleeding from one eye and immobile from multiple broken bones and lacerations quickly costing him minutes of consciousness…)
…
…Fuck, not now! Kakashi tried to hide the fact he was swaying, as he brought a pale, mostly glove-covered hand to the hitai-ate covering his Sharingan eye. It was throbbing…
…
(…Breathing hard from the battle and shaking from the Mangekyo Sharingan: Tsukuyomi Genjutsu Itachi had inflicted him with, Kakashi dredged up the strength to grab and violently shake Itachi, hoarsely screaming into the Konohagakure missing-nin's ears: "God damnit Itachi! What the hell were you thinking? Why, why did you DO that?"…)
…
…"Yep," Jiraiya agreed with pride in his voice, oblivious to Kakashi's predicament. He barely heard as the pervert continued speaking, "You dragged him kicking and screaming back to Konoha, after giving him a thorough beating for his idiocy: If he'd known about his family planning to turn traitor, he shouldn't have taken the situation into his own hands. He should have informed the Hokage."…
…
(…Itachi raggedly sucked air through his probably punctured lungs. Without even the strength to look into his former teachers face, Itachi managed to speak, his lips quivering from the effort as he defended, "You weren't there Kakashi-sempai, you didn't see what they were going to do to Sasuke-kun…"…)
…
Kakashi shook his head to clear his mind and before Jiraiya could wonder at the action said, albeit shakily: "Exactly. Even with all my emphasis on teamwork, he still went rogue," the sadness was radiating off the shinobi in waves, the shame unable to be ignored in his tone of voice, "I failed him as a teacher."
Jiraiya noted that Kakashi really knew how to make someone feel like crap. He didn't even seem to notice he was doing it.
"You didn't mess him up Kakashi-kun," Jiraiya explained gravely, "It was that damn family of his. You're the one who saved him."
Kakashi looked away, "Jiraiya-sama, I'm not that great: He was way better than I'll ever be." No need to explain who he was, Jiraiya already knew.
"Bullshit," he said, "You're better than Sakumo—" (flinch), "—ever was; you've just got all this baggage weighing you down. I swear one of these days you'll kick my ass and we'll see who the Village's best ninja really is."
Kakashi's demeanor sunk to an all time low, as he whispered suddenly, "Best? I'm the worst. I knew it was going to happen and I still couldn't do a thing…"
This was serious, Jiraiya tried to comfort him, "We've went over this," He said quietly, "Kakashi-kun, you couldn't have known—"
"But I did. I did know. And I just let it happen. I saw it all…"
They walked along in uncomfortable silence, Kakashi going back to his book after a span of glazed, wide-eyedness that he was sure was another tramatizing memory hovering to the surface.
Jiraiya stared off into the distance as they went, then suddenly said as if off-handedly: "They passed Sandaime's bell test."
Silence.
Kakashi looked up from his book to stare hard at the Sannin, "Who gave them the bell test?"
"Me, obviously," Jiraiya snuffed then turned to the silver haired ninja almost pleadingly. He explained: "These kids Kakashi, they've been through a lot together. They remind me of Tsunade, Orochimaru and yours-truly back, in the day. They really make me think of Team Yondaime as well."
"That isn't very encouraging Jiraiya-sama…" Kakashi informed him irritably. He was trying to ignore another memory. The ANBU just managed to mentally beat the flashback into submission with a metaphorical club.
"You'll see." The pervert assured the silver-haired shinobi, "These kids are different. They'll survive where we fucked things up. You'll see."
The utter conviction with which Jiraiya said this caught the copy-nin off guard. Who were these kids to have gained Jiraiya's approval? Now he was curious…
"It seems as if you have a lot of faith in these chunin," Kakashi began carefully, (he didn't want the Sannin to think he was interested after all…), "They're new chunin you say? They don't usually let you into ANBU until you're a Jounin or at least a Tokubetsu Jounin. Usually they shuffle you off to ROOT Division…" Kakashi narrowed his eye in increasing increments, telling Jiraiya without words that he expected a straight answer: no bullshit, "Who are they?"
"I wouldn't say they're new. They have Jounin-level skills even if they lack the experience. And you've already met them at one point or another," Jiraiya said cryptically.
Even so, it was all the explanation the ANBU operative needed.
The ANBU shuddered, "No." he stated harshly.
"Huh? 'No', what?" Jiraiya's eyebrows crushed together in confusion at the single, sudden word.
"No, I can't do it, especially not if it's those three," Kakashi quickly pummeled another flashback into the recesses of his thoughts, tricking himself into forgetting what it was he had nearly remembered.
Feeling himself go weak, he suddenly wasn't that angry at Tsunade for denying him missions on account of mental instability. She was completely correct in her assessment and he had to get out of here. Now.
Oblivious to the silver-haired shinobi's internal conflict, the pervert continued, "Come on, Kakashi. You're the only one who could do them justice. If you don't accept, we can't allow them to join ANBU. We can't let them go through ROOT, it would destroy them," the Toad Hermit pleaded.
"No," Kakashi told him with an air of finality, and then, placing his book back into his flak jacket, he formed a seal with his hands and vanished in a poof of white smoke.
"Damnit," the Sannin groaned: he'd failed in his mission, "Tsunade-baba's going to be pissed at me. Not to mention the kids…"
