Are We Done Yet?

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This is the third (and final...?) installment in the One Mixed Up Mary-Sue series.

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Emily sat in front of the television, a bowl of cereal in her hands. She was trying her best to ignore the chattering idiot beside her. Apparently Arimirandrisleahsparkle wasn't too happy about the entire situation, what with being deprived of meeting her one true love and all.

"Please be quiet, you stupid brat!" Emily shouted. Her parents had gone out a few hours ago. They had sensed the tension between the two, and had figured that they had some childhood memories or something like that to sort out (they had gotten along very well when they were six and nine. But now, ten years later, they weren't doing so well.)

"You stole my boyfriends and you want me to be calm about it?" The younger teenager pointed an accusatory finger at the elder of them.

"First, why don't you settle for one stupid, zombie boy?" Emily was livid, and she had the perfect person to take out all her frustrations on. "Second, try finding a real person to be in love with. Third, I did not steal those fucking lunatic losers from you, they were practically attacking me!"

"Excuse me?" The girl's jaw dropped. "So now you think you're all high and mighty? Trust me, no man would attack you."

"You little bitch!" Emily yelled. She was standing now, looking down on her cousin. "Just because I'm not a whore like you-"

Arimirandrisleahsparkle got to her feet. "What did you just call me? I am not a whore!"

"This is ridiculous," Emily said, putting down her cereal bowl. "I'm arguing with a child about the boy she has a crush on." She turned away and walked upstairs to her room, where she promptly shut the door.

"Excuse me, I'm not finished," the persistent brat said, pushing the door open. "What the hell is this? This was supposed to be mine!" She grabbed the old copy of The Lord of the Rings from Emily's bookshelf.

"Put that down right now!" Emily yelled, remembering what had happened last time she had touched that book. "Drop the fucking book!"

"You want your book?" The girl yelled. "You've wrecked my story already, you can have it!" In her vast intelligence, she threw the book at Emily. It hit her square in the head, and then the room was filled with pink and purple lights, as well as yellow stars and sparkles. It would be something like what a person on acid would see when you throw confetti at them.

Needless to say, Emily was yelling and swearing up a storm.

-

The sensation was something like falling. It wasn't unpleasant, but you knew that it would be when you hit the ground. Emily just so happened to be lucky enough not to hit the ground. Instead, she had landed in the lap of a rather intoxicated elf. It took him a moment to register what had just happened.

"E-Emily… I thought you were dead…" Legolas said, pronouncing all of his words properly despite the large number of empty ale mugs on the table that he was seated at. He took a drink from the mug in his hand and set it back on the table. Emily was a bit suspicious. In fact, he smelt of breath mints and flowers. Not a single hair on his head was out of place (Emily noted that now it seemed to be an even lighter shade of blonde than it had been before.)

He drained the drink that he was working on at the moment and reached for another; they just seemed to be available when the need was there. Emily realized that she had been sitting in his lap for the past few minutes. Angry at herself, she grabbed the drink from his hand.

"I love you," was the only thing that he said when she pinched the drink from him.

"How much have you had to drink you idiot?" Emily asked, getting up out of his lap.

"Not a lot," he said, shrugging, "twelve maybe, thirteen tops. We elves are renowned around the world for our livers of steel." He looked up at her and took her free hand in his. "I missed you. I wanted to drown my sorrows in liquor. Sadly there was no tequila, so I'm drinking this."

"I drank more!" Gimli yelled, running across the room, carrying two mugs of ale. As he ran, he tripped and fell forward onto his face. Emily flinched and turned away.

"I win," Legolas yelled, jumping to his feet. He became lost in his own world as he broke out in a victory dance.

"Eww, gross," Arimirandrisleahsparkle said, wrinkling her small nose. She walked up to Emily; apparently she had forgotten their earlier hostility. "This place smells like throw up."

"Yeah, that's because everyone's drunk and throwing up." Emily pointed out. She rolled her eyes. She was stuck here, and just to add insult to injury, the brat had been brought here with her.

"Emily," the younger girl whispered. Lifting a shaky hand, she pointed at the dancing elf. "It's him, it's Legolas! Oh my God, I love him!"

"He's all yours," Emily said, pushing her cousin away from her. She had to work hard to hold back her laughter as the two tried to communicate; both being dumber than a pile of bricks.

"Who are you?" Legolas asked.

"I am Princess Arimirandrisleahsparkle, ruler of Colozreo, the land of beauty and magic," she exclaimed. Clearly she had rehearsed this line a few times. "You can call me just Sparkle, though, if you want." Blushing, she looked down at her feet.

"Cool! Do you have a castle?" Legolas asked. "I have one. It's really, really nice. There are windows and paintings and a big kitchen with lots of food and…" It took him a good minute to list off all of the things that were apparently in this castle. Some of the more unexpected things that he had mentioned were the parking garage and a home theatre system.

"That does sound impressive. My castle, however, has unicorns and walk-in closets." Arimirandrisleahsparkle smiled smugly, but it quickly faded to a frown. "But my family kicked me out because I wanted to go out on my own adventures. They wanted me to marry some evil, ugly suitor and be a housewife. I would much rather marry someone like you…"

"Emily, who is this?" he asked.

"I love you! We were meant to be together! You're so hot…" Her voice gradually went from happy and upbeat to an annoying whine.

"This is my cousin," she said.

"Oh, it's nice to meet any of Emily's relatives," Legolas said, smiling and shaking her hand. "You can be our firstborn child's godmother!"

"Excuse me?" both girls demanded.

"I thought we've already gone over this," Emily said. "I am not having your children."

It was Arimirandrisleahsparkle, though, who looked more distressed. "But… what about me?" she asked quietly.

Emily laughed and decided to leave the two to sort out their difference of opinion. If that involved 'Sparkle' and her designer skinny jeans getting shot down, so be it. Anyways, she had her own situation to deal with when she was pushed to the ground. She was hit from behind, but had managed to catch a quick glimpse of the two flying, drunken hobbits as they leaped off a table and onto her back.

"Get the hell off of me," she yelled, but they were too intoxicated to tell. But after a moment, one of them was heaved off, and then the other. Emily rolled over onto her sore back and looked up in surprise at the elf who had helped her.

"I think I may be in need of another drink, after all," Haldir said. He grabbed her wrists and pulled her to her feet. "You can not even die properly!"

"Good to know that you were concerned," Emily said sarcastically. "Or were you actually making an attempt at a joke?"

"I must learn to cut down on the drinking," he said, almost smiling.

"Oh, you're fine," Emily said. "Have you seen Legolas?"

"Everyone in this hall has seen, and heard, that dolt." Haldir shook his head. "Something is very wrong with him."

"Tell me about it.," Emily said. "I've been putting up with his bullshit for a while. Now… where would one find a drink around here?"

"Come," Haldir said. "We will find you a drink, and then you can explain your return from death... Stranger things have happened recently."

-

A solid half of an hour later, Emily was feeling rather well. She finally took the decision upon herself to go to bed. First, though, she went to make sure that her cousin wasn't doing anything too stupid.

"We can buy a house," she was rattling off to Legolas, who looked ready to pass out. "It will be so pretty. There will be a pond with fish in it, and a guest room because we'll have so many friends. We'll need to make sure that it's in a good neighbourhood, though."

"Legolas," Emily said with minimal slurring, placing an arm around her cousin's shoulders. She felt the girl tighten in annoyance. "I need to steal my cousin from you, it's quite late, and we have some... chatting to do." She leaned close to Sparkle in order to whisper in her ear. "Make him wait a while; it'll be better that way."

Arimirandrisleahsparkle frowned as if in deep thought, and then smiled slyly. She relaxed a bit under her intoxicated cousin's arm, and placed her hands confidently on her hips. With a small wave at Legolas, she turned to head for bed.

"Goodnight," both girls chimed. Emily smiled smugly, that was one disaster that had been narrowly avoided.