AN: I was bored and felt like writing angst. So have a short aside/introspective thing from Valon's POV.

Set in my Reminiscing the Past 'verse, shortly after Chapter 5 of my main story.


What the bloody hell had he been thinking? Of course she hadn't been interested in him! Yeah, she'd been nice to him and seemed to generally enjoy his company, but it wasn't like that was gonna necessarily mean anything. Nice wasn't the same as love, and he shoulda known better.

He took a deep breath, smelling the salt of the ocean, the way the air was just so clean out on the balcony, watching the patches of red fade over the horizon as the sun rose steadily higher into the sky. There was a reason he'd liked this safe house so much more than all the other ones, basically claimed it as his, nevermind how ridiculous Alister thought that was. Yeah, it was real close to the Paradius building, but it didn't feel like it. It felt free and open, not like he was boxed in somewhere; he'd had more than enough of that in his entire life. This place made him feel good, feel right. And he'd thought that maybe that meant something in this case.

Of course it hadn't.

Yeah, she'd opened up to him, telling him about her past, despite how much it had clearly hurt to remember. Yeah, it'd seemed like she was on the edge of remembering everything about their shared history. But still, why-why had he had to act like some blundering idiot, doing what he'd done? Why did he have to go and ruin this too?

He dropped his head, his breath shaking on its way out. Because, well, he did know why.

Because, maybe, he'd thought that he could push a little, be the one to make her remember. Maybe, he'd hoped that, after everything, she'd started to like him the way he did her. And, maybe, some small part of him had believed he wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

Of course not. Of course that wasn't the case.

As much as she'd seemed to have gotten over everything that'd happened in Paris, he shoulda known she wouldn't just be over her old boyfriend just 'cause he'd shown up all of a sudden. He was probably everything Valon wasn't anyway! He had to be smart to be at that fancy university Taylor was at. And loyal and kind and supportive and whole and not some scrappy orphan off the streets. He was probably pretty bloody attractive, too, for that matter. And what did Valon have on all that?

He clenched and unclenched his fists on the railing, feeling the prickle of tears at the corner of his eyes and pushing them back because no, he wasn't about to let himself cry like some sheila, not here, not now, that wasn't gonna happen. What would Alister say if he were here? Something about how ridiculous Valon was being and to grow up for once; she was just some girl. And the Australian felt a bitter, broken half-laugh-half-sob break through his lips because she's not just some girl, Alister! He laid his forehead fully on the banister, closing his eyes, squeezing them shut, ignoring the way they stung. She's not just some girl.

At some point, his knees gave out, and he sank to the ground, turning so his back was against the barrier. He pulled his knees up into his chest, hiding his face in that tiny bit of space, feeling small, so small, even smaller than he'd ever felt when he was a kid. It'd been a long time since he'd ever felt like this; he hadn't felt like this when it came to Mai and her constant rejection of him. There was just something different about this, something about her that made rejection hurt that much more. Made it hurt to know that he couldn't be that person that she wanted the same way he wanted her.

And it sucked that he knew exactly why, too.

He looked up, wiping away the wetness from his eyes with the palms of his hands because no, he wasn't crying, dammit! He wasn't! The light from the rising sun was seeping into the room, and he could see her sleeping outline on the far bed, though he didn't need a closer look to know the details of how she looked there. He'd seen her when he'd woken up, too troubled to sleep, and he'd stepped out because he couldn't stand the twisting longing welling up inside his chest. But his mind had already committed the details to memory: the way her features were so relaxed, devoid of her tense look of concentration; the way she was curled up protectively on her side; the occasional, slight snore. He already figured she wouldn't be up for another good while, knew from experience that she wasn't a morning person, thinking back to that time she had stumbled blearily down the stairs the morning of one of their missions. She'd earned a sarcastic remark from Alister and returned her own, equally irritably. Raph had shaken his head and Alister had rolled his eyes, but Valon had laughed, not at her predicament, but…okay, well, kinda at her. But not out of spite, and not the way he would've laughed had it been Gurimo or one of the fellas falling down the stairs with some crazy bedhead.

That'd made him start to think of something he vaguely remembered hearing Mother Mary telling one of the older kids, something about loving a person not despite their faults, but for them. Valon had thought it was ridiculous at the time, but now – now it made sense. It didn't matter to him that she wasn't perfect; he liked that she wasn't. That was how he knew he was really in love this time.

He was really in love this time. With someone who wasn't ever gonna love him back because he would never be enough for her.

And that made the tears run anew, hot and salty, as he buried his head again, trying in vain to bite back another sob. His breath came in ragged bursts and he hates how he sounds and hates even more how he must look but there isn't anything he can do about it and he just wants to disappear. Pretend like none of this is happening at all and everything is still okay and his world isn't falling apart at his feet. That's all he wants, and is it too much to ask? Is it?

In a sudden movement, he pushed to his feet with a growl, swiping his fists across his eyes and cheeks, storming back into the room, grabbing his armor, and rushing down the stairs. She wasn't gonna want to see him when she woke up, not after what he'd done. And he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to take seeing her without feeling everything crumble all over. He'd need time for everything to mend again, and he couldn't do that with her around.

Pretty soon, he was feeling his motorcycle purring beneath him, and frigid air freezing his arms as it rushed by. Maybe…maybe he could try again with Mai. She hadn't shown him much interest in him before, but…well…maybe there was still some way to get through to her. He would try, at least.

Because he needed someone in his life who wouldn't shoot through at the first chance. He'd already been alone for most of his life, and he couldn't leave that be. Not anymore.


AN: So, I'm thinking of expanding this 'verse and giving it a sequel. Thoughts? Cause I'd love to hear 'em!