This is a texts-based fanfic I wrote together with Marta (coffee-mill on here, your-bespoke-psychopath on tumblr). She wrote most of this, so you should all give her a big hug if you like this fic! It's very unlike any of my other fanfics. It's a collection of texts in which Irene is flirting/sexting with (sorry, at) Sherlock. It's bordering on crack, but I hope you enjoy!


Let's have dinner.

You're dead. -SH

I could still come over. And who knows, maybe even come.

Why would you come twice? -SH

Oh, who wouldn't like to come twice, Mr. Holmes?

Ask John if you don't believe me.

John choked on his tea when I asked him. -SH

Did you set me up with that 'ask John' part? -SH

Setting you up? Don't be so suspicious, Mister Holmes. I could come over and explain it to you. I bet I could make you come within 2 minutes

Two minutes? What a ridiculous calculation. It's highly unlikely in a vast city such as London to get anywhere within two minutes. -SH

Do you want me to come or not?

Not that again. -SH

But I have not come yet. Mr. Holmes, have some mercy for a girl.

I thought you didn't like begging people. -SH

Fair point well made.


Have you ever even had anyone?

I don't understand. -SH

Oh, don't play daft. Have you ever had anyone?

I have my skull, it's good enough for me. -SH

Darling, I'm much softer than your skull and much more fun to play with.

I was past the age of playing when I turned 5. Boring. -SH


Tell me what you're wearing.

I don't see the significance nor the importance of that information -SH

If you prefer, I could tell you what I'm wearing.

You're naked, obviously. -SH

Well, I still have the radio on.


Deduce me, Mister Holmes.

You're naked. Again. It's getting predictable. –SH

Pulse elevated too, I'd imagine. –SH

Wouldn't you like to know?

Don't catch a cold, Miss Adler –SH

Don't worry, I have someone to keep me warm.

I can imagine. -SH

Oh no. You have no idea, darling.

But I could show you one day.


Let's be indelicate then.

I'm so wet.

How can you possibly be wet - it isn't raining and it's highly unlikely you're texting in the shower. You wouldn't want to ruin your phone. -SH


I'm bored tonight. Let's have dinner.

I'm not hungry. -SH

Good. I didn't mean food.

Tell me something dirty.

Mud? -SH

Are you solving a crossword? -SH

Why would I be solving a crossword?

You wanted me to find you a dirty word. -SH

Oh, Mr. Holmes. You are clueless, aren't you?

Compared to other people, I am brilliant. -SH

And modest.

Still: clueless.

Ask John to tell you something dirty.

I'm not asking John again. -SH

Quick learner, aren't you?

Yes. -SH

I wonder if you learn that quickly when it comes to other things.

Probably, yes. -SH

Would you like me to try? To test you, I mean?

I'm the most demanding teacher. I won't be satisfied easily.

Test what? -SH

Oh. Still clueless. It's rather charming, I must say.

Call it an "experiment."

For science? -SH

It certainly does involve chemicals, I'd say.


You can always leave your hat on.

Excuse me? -SH

You can leave your hat on, Mr. Holmes.

What hat? -SH

Your funny hat.

I got rid of it. -SH

Oh, that's a shame! I liked that hat.

But why would I leave the hat on? And when? -SH

Ask Joe Cocker.

You know I'm not interested in trivia. Is he a porn star? -SH

Google him.

Last time you told me to google something, John walked on me when I was reading about rampant rabbits. -SH

I knew you would be thorough, if you come over I'll show you how it works.

I understand the mechanism perfectly. -SH

Oh, I'm sure you do. But did you ever see how it works?

Goodnight, Miss Adler -SH


I'm bored. -SH

I'm busy.

BORED. -SH

BORED. -SH

Everything is boring. -SH

I'm busy, go talk to John.

You're dead. You can't be busy. -SH

And John has a date with his new girlfriend. -SH

Before you ask, I'm not jealous. -SH

And Mrs. Hudson took away my skull. -SH

BORED. -SH

What are you doing? -SH

Give me a clue. -SH

Oh, stop it, I'm busy.

I'm bored. -SH

I need a case. -SH

... -SH

Ask Lestrade for a case.

Solved them all. -SH

Even the cold cases? I could ask Greg to send them to you if you promise to stop bothering me.

Greg? -SH

GREG? -SH

How do you know his first name? -SH

Let me guess, you know what he likes. -SH

What are you doing? -SH

Who.

What? -SH

You should have asked 'who are you doing?'


Could you pick up my dress from the dry cleaners? Will repay you later.

Wrong number? -SH

Yes. Meant to sent that to Kate.

Although the last part still stands.


You're so small -SH

What?

You're tiny -SH

I bet you would fit in my pocket -SH

Are you drunk?

I'd carry you in a pocket of my coat -SH

You are drunk.

Am not -SH

You are.

Not. -SH

Maybe a bit intoxicated -SH

But you're tiny even when I'm sober -SH

And I'd keep you in my pocket -SH

I'd carry you with me all the time -SH

Oh boy, this is getting rather entertaining.

Pocket dominatrix -SH

What?

You'd be a pocket dominatrix -SH

How much did you have to drink?

Just a few beers. And then a few shots of vodka. And then tequila. -SH

Poor boy. You're going to feel that in the morning. Wish I could be there to watch you suffer.

And I am so keeping these texts.

Considering showing them to John. And Mycroft. And everyone who knows you.

Mr. Holmes?

Goodnight, Mr. Holmes.