This is a texts-based fanfic I wrote together with Marta (coffee-mill on here, your-bespoke-psychopath on tumblr). She wrote most of this, so you should all give her a big hug if you like this fic! It's very unlike any of my other fanfics. It's a collection of texts in which Irene is flirting/sexting with (sorry, at) Sherlock. It's bordering on crack, but I hope you enjoy!
Let's have dinner.
You're dead. -SH
I could still come over. And who knows, maybe even come.
Why would you come twice? -SH
Oh, who wouldn't like to come twice, Mr. Holmes?
Ask John if you don't believe me.
John choked on his tea when I asked him. -SH
Did you set me up with that 'ask John' part? -SH
Setting you up? Don't be so suspicious, Mister Holmes. I could come over and explain it to you. I bet I could make you come within 2 minutes
Two minutes? What a ridiculous calculation. It's highly unlikely in a vast city such as London to get anywhere within two minutes. -SH
Do you want me to come or not?
Not that again. -SH
But I have not come yet. Mr. Holmes, have some mercy for a girl.
I thought you didn't like begging people. -SH
Fair point well made.
Have you ever even had anyone?
I don't understand. -SH
Oh, don't play daft. Have you ever had anyone?
I have my skull, it's good enough for me. -SH
Darling, I'm much softer than your skull and much more fun to play with.
I was past the age of playing when I turned 5. Boring. -SH
Tell me what you're wearing.
I don't see the significance nor the importance of that information -SH
If you prefer, I could tell you what I'm wearing.
You're naked, obviously. -SH
Well, I still have the radio on.
Deduce me, Mister Holmes.
You're naked. Again. It's getting predictable. –SH
Pulse elevated too, I'd imagine. –SH
Wouldn't you like to know?
Don't catch a cold, Miss Adler –SH
Don't worry, I have someone to keep me warm.
I can imagine. -SH
Oh no. You have no idea, darling.
But I could show you one day.
Let's be indelicate then.
I'm so wet.
How can you possibly be wet - it isn't raining and it's highly unlikely you're texting in the shower. You wouldn't want to ruin your phone. -SH
I'm bored tonight. Let's have dinner.
I'm not hungry. -SH
Good. I didn't mean food.
Tell me something dirty.
Mud? -SH
Are you solving a crossword? -SH
Why would I be solving a crossword?
You wanted me to find you a dirty word. -SH
Oh, Mr. Holmes. You are clueless, aren't you?
Compared to other people, I am brilliant. -SH
And modest.
Still: clueless.
Ask John to tell you something dirty.
I'm not asking John again. -SH
Quick learner, aren't you?
Yes. -SH
I wonder if you learn that quickly when it comes to other things.
Probably, yes. -SH
Would you like me to try? To test you, I mean?
I'm the most demanding teacher. I won't be satisfied easily.
Test what? -SH
Oh. Still clueless. It's rather charming, I must say.
Call it an "experiment."
For science? -SH
It certainly does involve chemicals, I'd say.
You can always leave your hat on.
Excuse me? -SH
You can leave your hat on, Mr. Holmes.
What hat? -SH
Your funny hat.
I got rid of it. -SH
Oh, that's a shame! I liked that hat.
But why would I leave the hat on? And when? -SH
Ask Joe Cocker.
You know I'm not interested in trivia. Is he a porn star? -SH
Google him.
Last time you told me to google something, John walked on me when I was reading about rampant rabbits. -SH
I knew you would be thorough, if you come over I'll show you how it works.
I understand the mechanism perfectly. -SH
Oh, I'm sure you do. But did you ever see how it works?
Goodnight, Miss Adler -SH
I'm bored. -SH
I'm busy.
BORED. -SH
BORED. -SH
Everything is boring. -SH
I'm busy, go talk to John.
You're dead. You can't be busy. -SH
And John has a date with his new girlfriend. -SH
Before you ask, I'm not jealous. -SH
And Mrs. Hudson took away my skull. -SH
BORED. -SH
What are you doing? -SH
Give me a clue. -SH
Oh, stop it, I'm busy.
I'm bored. -SH
I need a case. -SH
... -SH
Ask Lestrade for a case.
Solved them all. -SH
Even the cold cases? I could ask Greg to send them to you if you promise to stop bothering me.
Greg? -SH
GREG? -SH
How do you know his first name? -SH
Let me guess, you know what he likes. -SH
What are you doing? -SH
Who.
What? -SH
You should have asked 'who are you doing?'
Could you pick up my dress from the dry cleaners? Will repay you later.
Wrong number? -SH
Yes. Meant to sent that to Kate.
Although the last part still stands.
You're so small -SH
What?
You're tiny -SH
I bet you would fit in my pocket -SH
Are you drunk?
I'd carry you in a pocket of my coat -SH
You are drunk.
Am not -SH
You are.
Not. -SH
Maybe a bit intoxicated -SH
But you're tiny even when I'm sober -SH
And I'd keep you in my pocket -SH
I'd carry you with me all the time -SH
Oh boy, this is getting rather entertaining.
Pocket dominatrix -SH
What?
You'd be a pocket dominatrix -SH
How much did you have to drink?
Just a few beers. And then a few shots of vodka. And then tequila. -SH
Poor boy. You're going to feel that in the morning. Wish I could be there to watch you suffer.
And I am so keeping these texts.
Considering showing them to John. And Mycroft. And everyone who knows you.
Mr. Holmes?
Goodnight, Mr. Holmes.
