Waging War on Myself

Dear Beck,

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head.

They crawl in like a cockroach; leaving babies in my bed;

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone;

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.

I just feel this sense of...desperation. Like when I crawled under the shed, digging through all that dirt and mud and bone; trying to reach something precious to me...

It was cold that night, but I was sweating so much; the mud provided a cold, damp sense of comfort that left me feeling guilty and beaten.

Cover my eyes.

Cover my ears.

Tell me these words are a lie.

Things aren't the way they used to be. I never felt this way before. It's just...I don't know, it feels like I was wrong for trusting him...That I need to make this right so it can all be okay.

It doesn't work that way, though. It's over; I need to move on. If I come crawling back, I lose. I've lost too many times to ever go back. There's no love. There never was.

There's no escape now,

No mercy no more

No remorse 'cause I still remember...

The smile when you tore me apart.

I let myself fall into something; something that wasn't me. Now, things are different. I've been living in a different world;

For the first time, I feared the sunset; and, when I was alone, I felt broken.

All the colors of dusk; the yellow, the scarlet, the fiery orange; they all filled me with dread and terror. I found myself on my knees, inside my house, cradling my shoulders with my arms, and begging for it all to end.

You took my heart,

deceived me right from the start.

You showed me dreams;

I wished they turn into real.

You broke the promise and made me realize

It was all just a lie

You lied so effortlessly. I don't know why; It was like you took comfort in walking me into a hollow shell. Then, you took it all from me; started my war against myself.

My thoughts were twisted; My dreams and wishes became sins and nightmares. I hated myself, and, worst of all, I thought I was supposed to.

The worst is over now...

And we can breathe again.

I have to get back to the way things used to be. I'm better off alone. I was always so much more when it was just me.

When you were here, though, I was more alone than every; I was alone for the first time. Trapped in the blinding truth that a monster like you was in my life.

I won't shed a single tear for you; not anymore.

Goodbye forever and ever more,

Jade