Bit of an odd one but the idea just wouldn't go away until I wrote it down!

Dream a Little Dream

Six months. Six months she'd had to sit by and watch him date somebody else. Six long months. When he'd first told her about the blind date Essie was setting up for him they'd laughed together about how awful it was going to be. It had never even crossed her mind for a second that a single blind date would turn into a serious relationship for him. She'd been jealous when he'd told her but had decided that she had no right to be. Being just friends had been her choice and she was resolute in her resolve that it was the right decision.

The first pang of fear hit her the next morning when he'd come to work and had told her that the date hadn't been awful, that that'd actually hit it off. He'd enjoyed himself. She'd silently cursed Essie for knowing him so well and for setting him up with someone he could actually like. She'd told herself over the next few weeks as he'd continued to date this woman who's name she'd discovered was Danielle, that it wouldn't last. He was only seeing her casually and it was highly unlikely that a serious relationship would develop. She'd been doing well tapering down her feelings and things had continued relatively normally. He didn't talk about Danielle often so it was easy to ignore the fact that he was seeing someone. Denial at its finest she acknowledged.

Her ability to ignore Danielle began to get decidedly more difficult around the three month mark. She'd overheard him ask Petrenko if he should buy her a gift or whether dinner somewhere nice was more appropriate. It hit her then that he'd been seeing someone else for three months. This woman was now firmly in his life and she could no longer deny it. He was no longer just dating someone he had a girlfriend. The thought had made her feel physically sick. She'd disappeared into theatre for a number hours to complete a bypass, her brain grateful for the reprieve from her own thoughts. Later that night though she'd awoken to a sound she recognised, a heart monitor. It's steady but fast beeps ringing loudly in her ears. She'd sat up and the sound had slowly dissipated. She was alone in her bedroom her heart beating wildly, anxiety washing over her. He was falling in love. Not with her but with someone else. Her heart lurched in a way that caused physical pain. She should have known he'd move on. It was pretty much a given. She just hadn't expected him to move on so soon. It had only been five months since she'd kissed him and now he was already three months deep into a new relationship.

She'd done her best to carry on and be a friend to him. Their friendship was still friendly, fun and filled with banter but she'd noticed his slow withdrawal from her. Over the next three months she watched him physically withdraw from her. There was no more fleeting touches, no more lingering eye contact and no more physical affection. He'd firmly friend zoned her, was in love with Danielle and was clearly moving on while she was stuck. She still loved him. A situation that she acknowledges is one of her own making and now she has to watch while he makes room for Danielle in his home and in his life. A place she wanted but hadn't allowed herself to have. She accepts that she is going to have to live with her decision and be as happy for him as she possibly can. It had taken her an hour to fall back to sleep.

She'd walked into work the next day resolved and totally determined to be happy for him. It'd lasted about an hour till she'd heard him speaking on the phone to Danielle about a problem with Ella. It dawned on her then that he'd stopped coming to her for advice about his kids and Steven. She had no idea what they'd been up to lately or what he had planned for them for the summer holidays. He had someone else to share his life with, and now she was becoming redundant. She knows it's not purposeful on his part, he just has someone else to discuss things with. Their previous closeness was slowly being eroded. She wishes they'd break up even though the last thing she wants is for him to be hurt. She just wants something, anything to stop the pain she's feeling right now.

She manages to find some peace over the next few months after firmly deciding it's time for her to move on too. She'd even Googled 'How to get over someone'. She had been making a genuine effort to talk to him about his life and share some of hers, not willing to totally let him go even though every website she'd visited had advised minimal contact. She feels a bit better when he opens up easily and tells her his concerns and hopes for Evie's upcoming GCSE exams.

Her world is totally shattered when he comes in on a Monday morning and announces that he and Danielle got engaged over the weekend. It feels like a dream or maybe a nightmare and she doesn't hear a single further word he says. The world around her feels distorted and blurry and she can't really comprehend what is happening. She can hear a heart monitor again distant but clear. Steady but fast beeps filling her ears. She can almost feel something holding her hand. It takes a few moments but the ward slowly comes back into view and she watches Petrenko smile broadly at him and hug him tightly to offer him congratulations. She smiles at him briefly and heads towards her office without a saying a word. She hasn't quite made it to her office when she feels an electric current pulse through her body and she steels herself by holding on to the nearest wall, an uncontrollable gasp taking hold and wracking through her entire body.

That night she lays awake staring at the ceiling wishing she could go back to that day in her office when she'd kissed him and change the outcome. She runs through a few scenario's in her head and wishes she'd made a different choice. She wants to cry but her eyes remain dry and sore.

Weeks pass and before she knows it it's the Thursday before the wedding and that means in two days she'll have to watch Fletch get married. She'd decided yesterday that tomorrow night she is going to tell him Emma has suddenly come down with an illness and that it's looking like she won't be able to attend. She knows she is capable of doing and being many things, replacing heart valves, saving lives, being a mother. The one thing she isn't able to do is watch someone she's in love with marry someone else. She truly now understands why they call it heartache. It's physical manifestation is actually painful and she hurts all over. There's a heavy weight around her heart that she isn't able to shift. She'd been sat in her office for hours going over various excuses for her non attendance to his wedding. She gets up grabs her belongings and heads for the door. The ward is mostly dark, a few scattered lights subtly lighting the ward. She spots Fletch clearing a few files around the nurses station his back to her, and she cannot stop the flood of longing that surges through her. She stands dead still her eyes firmly fixed on him. She knows if anyone saw her now they'd see everything she'd tried so hard to hide. She can feel every emotion and is frozen to the spot. She couldn't draw her eyes away from him right now even if she wanted too. He must feel her presence because he turns around and spots her, eyes locking on to hers almost immediately. She wants to mask her emotions but it's too late, he's seen it.

He like her is suddenly frozen, clearly captivated by the emotions she's letting him see.

"Are you okay?"

"You're going to be okay."

She hears Fletch's voice saying two things simultaneously. She doesn't know which one is real.

"What?" She asks confusion taking hold of her.

"Are you okay?" He asks again. This time a sad expression crosses his features and he breaks eye contact with her and she knows it's over. He has chosen someone else. He doesn't want her anymore. The regret she feels is like nothing she has ever experienced before. She knows she blew it. She knows this is her mistake, her fault. She gasps and sees his lips move as if he is saying something but she can't hear him. It's like her ears are muffled with cotton wool. The room starts to spin and blur and she can't see straight, can't focus on his face. The world distorts and she wonders if she's gonna die of a broken heart. She can feel pain, her heart hurts, her arm hurts and her head is pounding.

Her eyes open and she sees a hospital room. Darwin! She doesn't understand why she's suddenly somewhere else. She becomes aware of a hand in hers and moves her eyes to find the source. Fletch.

His hand is gripping hers while he sleeps in a chair next to her bed. She squeezes his hand as hard as she can and his eyes immediately open. A smile forming on his face immediately and a sigh of relief passes his lips.

"You've been out of it for a week. Everyone has been so worried." He tells her. He is practically beaming now. "You're going to okay." He continues. His hand stroking hers with his thumb.

"I love you." It doesn't even sound like her own voice. It's hoarse and barely a whisper but she needed to say it before the pull of sleep claims her once again. She doesn't know what day it is or what time it is, only that he is there and that it was just a dream.

Her eyelids are so heavy, she knows she isn't going to be awake for long, seconds at most but she fights to stay awake. Fights to continue to feel him holding her hand.