Eventually

By Remi

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager™© and related properties are Registered Trademarks of CBS Studios. No copyright infringement intended.

Author Note: I know I bent Cannon a bit, but hey the show's writers did the same thing.

Summary: A secret from Janeway's past surfaces, will she come to terms with it or will she let it destroy her.

* * * * * *

The sun was slowly rising over the crop filled fields of Bloomington bathing the countryside in the warm orange-pink radiance of its rays. The aroma of maple syrup and bacon wafted up from the kitchen alerting Kathryn that the rest of the household was starting their day. She stretched and sighed before throwing the covers off rising to meet the day. She stood at the window attempting to rub the stiffness and lack of sleep from her neck. The morning sun filtering in through the window warmed Kathryn's skin as she surveyed the view out her bedroom window. She needed coffee and now to jump-start her into motion since she was due at her weekly therapy session this morning.

At the end of the debriefings Kathryn and Starfleet had come to the mutual decision that she would take a one-year leave of absence. At first Kathryn had been livid when the Admiralty had told her that they would not give her another command until a counselor cleared her for duty, but after sleeping on it for a night, or rather not sleeping, she came to understand their thinking. She had been on duty for almost seven years without any major leave time. The unrelenting pressure of getting Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant along with the losses and guilt associated with their situation had taken their toll on her. She couldn't help but recognize the need to step back and recoup now that she had brought Voyager and its crew home.

Kathryn pulled on her robe, and headed to the kitchen for coffee. As Kathryn descended the stairs she could hear her mother talking. "You didn't wake her did you?" she heard Gretchen ask.

"She awake" the little girl answered.

"Yes, you already told me that sweetie, but did you wake her up?" Kathryn heard Gretchen quizzing her three-year-old granddaughter as she quietly stood by the kitchen doorway.

"I do Gammy!" the little girl answered as the reached for the spoon Gretchen was holding.

"Okay Elle, but we need to add the eggs first." Her Grandmother instructed.

Kathryn stood discreetly outside the doorway watching her mother and Elle cooking. It reminded her of when she and Phoebe were younger and how they would stand on the same stool while their mother lovingly taught them how to cook. A hand on her shoulder brought her out of her musing. "They make quite a pair, don't they?" Kathryn turned and looked at her stepfather. Gretchen had met Trenton Hayden several years ago after Kathryn had finished Command School and Gretchen had returned to teaching part-time at Indiana University were Trent was a tenured professor. When Voyager had started receiving letters from home Kathryn had learned that Trent had supported her mother's belief that she was still alive. Her mother wrote with so much warmth and fondness about Trent that it was no surprise to Kathryn when she learned that her mother and Trent had married 6 months after receiving the news that she was alive in the Delta Quadrant.

Kathryn looked up at her stepfather and smiled. "Yes they do."

"Aunt Kate look!" Kathryn and Trent turned and looked at Elle. "I'm making pancakes!" She stated grinning from ear to ear.

Trent walked over to Gretchen and gave her a kiss on the cheek, as Kathryn walked up to the counter. "That's good because Grandpa and I are hungry." She told Elle.

"I've just brewed a fresh pot of coffee, would you like me to get you some Katie?"

"No thanks mom, I can get it myself." Kathryn walked over to the pot of coffee and poured herself a cup. "Where's Phoebe?"

"She had an early meeting with her manager. So Elle has been helping me make breakfast." Elle was Phoebe's daughter.

Kathryn turned to look at her niece and smiled. "And doing a very fine job at it too." She stated then placed her hand on top of Elle's head and slightly mussed her hair causing the girl to giggle.

"Breakfast is almost ready. You have just enough time to run upstairs and change Kathryn." Her mother commanded.

"Yes Ma'am." Kathryn said with a salute, causing Elle to giggle again. "You want to come with me squirt before the Admiral here puts you to work setting the table? Elle nodded her head, and Kathryn scooped her up and carried her out of the room.

Gretchen rolled her eyes. "Don't encourage her Kathryn." She declared.

"I am not, Admiral." Kathryn called back from the stairway causing Elle to laugh more.

"Ooooh that girl." Gretchen huffed out causing Trent to chuckle.

"Admit it sweetheart you wouldn't have her any other way."

Gretchen smiled at her husband, "You're right. Now help me set the table."

* * * * * *

Phoebe walked into the living room and saw Gretchen sitting on the couch grading papers. "Hi Mom."

Gretchen looked up from her work. "Hi, you're back early."

Phoebe noticed the slightly concerned look in her mother's eyes as she looked passed Phoebe towards the entryway before setting her work down on the low table. "The meeting didn't take as long with Chaz as I thought. Where's Elle?" Phoebe asked while taking a seat next to her mother.

"Taking a nap."

"Is Katie back from her appointment with Doctor Hartwell?"

Gretchen got a concerned look on her face. "No she isn't. I thought you were her just now."

Phoebe patted her mother on the knee. "Don't look so worried mom, Katie has come a long way in the five months since she came home, she probably decided to go shopping, you know how we Janeway woman love our retail therapy."

Gretchen chuckled and shook her head. "True."

Phoebe stood up from the couch. "Well, I am going to take advantage of the fact Elle is actually taking a nap and go down to the pond to do some sketching."

Gretchen picked up her pile of papers. "I'll let you know when Elle is up."

* * * * * *

Kathryn was sitting with her legs stretched out in front of her on the small dock letting the late afternoon sun soak it's warmth into her. She had come straight to the pond to reflect on her session with Doctor Hartwell. They had started the session with Kathryn telling Hartwell about how seeing her mother and Elle in the kitchen this morning had reminded her of doing the same thing with her mother when she was that age. From there the whole session was about children and how Kathryn felt the opportunity for a family had passed her by. She told Hartwell that she was content in the role of Elle's Aunt and Miral's Godmother, but Hartwell was good at her job and wouldn't let Kathryn avoid the subject until Kathryn admitted all of her feelings on the subject.

Kathryn heard a twig snap behind her and turned to see Phoebe walking towards her with a sketchbook in hand. She leaned back on her elbows and waited for Phoebe to approach. Once Phoebe was settled next to her, Kathryn opened her eyes and looked at her. "Hi."

"Rough session with Hartwell?"

"Eye opening is more like it."

"I'm willing to listen if you want to talk about it."

Kathryn shook her head. "I'm all talked out, thanks."

"Well it must still be bothering you if you're out here hiding."

Kathryn quickly sat up. "I'm not hiding."

Phoebe raised an eyebrow at the sister's protest.

"Okay fine, I am." Kathryn stated with a bit of defeat.

"So what did you talked about with Hartwell that you couldn't face mom afterwards?" Phoebe pushed.

Kathryn leaned back on her hands, "When did you become a Betaziod?"

"We grew up together Katie, when have we not known what the other is thinking and feeling?"

Kathryn sighed and leaned her head against Phoebe's shoulder. "Point taken."

"So…" Phoebe urged.

"Children, and my lack there of." Kathryn whispered the last part.

"That explains it."

Kathryn gave Phoebe a questioning look.

"You started thinking about Chakotay, and that's why you've been out here so long." Phoebe stated matter-of-fact.

An unexpected sadness washed over Kathryn. Chakotay, Kathryn had fleetingly clung to the idea that she and Chakotay would come together once they reached home and pick up the relationship that had grown between them. She had been sitting here thinking how she had been desperately living in denial by believing that he still might loved her or have some feelings for her, but that had come to a crashing halt after what she had done.

Phoebe's hand on her shoulder brought Kathryn back to the present. "I know that something happened between the two of you when you suddenly stopped mentioning him in your letters, and I've never pushed you about it."

"Phoebe, I-" Phoebe held her hand up stopping Kathryn.

"I know you're not ready to tell me yet because the hurt is still so fresh." Kathryn gave her a single nod. "I just want you to realize that he's not gone, he's just on Trebus with his sister."

"Oh Phoebe I feel like such a heel-"

"Don't!" Phoebe interrupted. "Look Katie I came to terms with Kirby's death a long time ago." Phoebe had been involved with Kirby for two years before he died in the Breen attack during the Dominion War. Phoebe found out she was pregnant with Elle three months later. "All I'm saying is that there is still hope for you and Chakotay to work things out, but that won't happen until you talk to him. Have you tried contacting him?"

"No," she whispered.

"You'll never come to any type of resolution until you do."

Kathryn sighed and shook her head. "Still dumping buckets of ice water over me, I see."

"Yeah, it's page 43 of the annoying little sister's handbook"

* * * * * *

A week later Kathryn came home from Doctor Hartwell's office to find her cousin Shannon sitting having coffee with her mother, Shannon Callahan was Aunt Martha's youngest daughter and a year younger then Kathryn. Shannon had come to seek her Aunt Gretchen's help in shopping for a dress to wear for Martha's up coming fund raiser. Kathryn was surprised to see them sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, she thought they would have been gone most of the day shopping. Kathryn walked over to the coffee pot and poured herself a cup. "I take it the dress shopping was successful?"

"No it wasn't." Her mother answered.

Kathryn took a seat at the table. "I can't believe you didn't find a single dress."

"Not that my mother would approve of." Shannon groaned.

Kathryn looked at her mother. "Seriously," she mouthed to her mother and Gretchen nodded. Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Well you're welcome to see if there's anything in my closet."

Shannon suddenly sat up from her slumped position causing Kathryn to jump at the sudden movement spilling her coffee on the table. "Oh Katie I could kiss you, Mother thinks so highly of you I can't go wrong wearing something of yours to her social event."

Kathryn chuckled as she stood up to get a towel to clean up the spilled coffee. "I wouldn't say that until you've seen my wardrobe, it's seven years out of date. Why don't you head up to my room and start looking and I'll be up in second." Shannon nodded and headed up the stairs as Kathryn started mopping up the spilled coffee, "I see Aunt Martha hasn't changed while I was gone."

"Not it the least." Her mother retorted. "We went to 5 stores before Shannon became so flustered that I brought her back here. I was hoping you wouldn't mind going with us."

"In need or re-enforcements, huh?"

"Something like that." Her mother smiled.

"Well I can always tell Shannon what I found out about her name sake to help ward off her mother."

"Don't you dare," came Gretchen's warning reply. Kathryn had written to Gretchen recounting the whole story about Shannon O'Donnell Janeway and Gretchen had sworn Kathryn to silence.

Kathryn kissed her mother on the top of the head. "Don't worry my lips are sealed." Kathryn laughed as she tossed the towel into the sink and headed up stairs to help Shannon.

* * * * * *

Shannon stood in front of Kathryn's bedroom mirror smoothing down the front of the dress she had on. It was a rich burgundy sleeveless with an asymmetrical neckline and Shannon thought it was perfect for the party. Shannon turned this way and that admiring the way the dress looked when she caught Kathryn entering the room out of the corner of her eye. "Oh Katie it's perfect," she said turning to face Kathryn.

"Take it off." Kathryn said in a deadly quiet voice.

Shannon saw Kathryn standing completely still in the door way her face deathly pale. "Katie?" Shannon stated taking a step towards her.

"Take. It. Off. Now," Her voice still deadly calm.

Shannon quickly unzipped the dress and slipped it off and handed it to Kathryn. "I – I don't understand what's wrong?"

Kathryn moved out of the doorway. "Leave."

Shannon was confused by Kathryn's sudden change in behavior. "Kathryn?"

"Leave. Now."

Shannon scooped her clothes off the bed and ran out of the room. As soon as she was out of the room Kathryn turned and shut the door locking it, clutching the dress to her chest she collapsing on the bed in tears.

* * * * * *

Gretchen walked up the hallway and saw Shannon frantically getting dressed outside Kathryn's door. "Shannon what's going on?"

"I'm sorry Aunt Gretchen. I didn't mean to upset her."

"What happened? Where's Katie?"

"I had one of her dresses on when she walked in and threw me out."

Gretchen started to reach for the door handle when Shannon put her hand on her arm. "She's locked it Aunt Gretchen, and I heard her crying."

Gretchen sighed, shook her head, and saw the worried look on Shannon's face. "Now don't go worrying Shannon, Katie's still finding her balance at being back home. You should have seen her reaction the first time I made dessert with para-cream sauce. You didn't do anything wrong, so don't worry okay?" Shannon hesitantly nodded her head. "I'll call you tomorrow," Gretchen patted Shannon's arm. Shannon nodded her head again and gave her Aunt a hug before silently heading down the hall to leave. Gretchen turned back to Kathryn's door and softly knocked. "Katie," She listened quietly. She could hear Kathryn's muffled crying so she knocked again. "Sweetheart, open the door." Gretchen waited patiently for Kathryn to open the door but when her plea was answered by Kathryn's continued crying she hurried down stairs to the kitchen and retrieved the key to unlock the door.

As Gretchen entered the room she found Kathryn lying across the bed on her side sobbing uncontrollably. She walked over and sat on the end of the bed leaned over and brushed Kathryn's hair away from her face causing Kathryn to turn and bury her face into the mattress. Seeing her daughter so distraught tore at Gretchen's heart. "Oh Katie, I'm here," she continued to stroke Kathryn's face. "It will be okay baby," she whispered. Kathryn just cried harder. "Please Katie try and calm down," but Kathryn just continued to cry uncontrollably. Fearing that Kathryn was going to make herself sick Gretchen started stroking her back and leaned over and just held her daughter.

* * * * * *

Trent entered the house and sat his brief case down in the hall and sat out to find Gretchen, when he didn't find her down stairs he headed up stairs. After finding their bedroom empty, Trent went down the hall to Kathryn's room. The door to Kathryn's room was open slightly so he lightly knocked before walking in. He saw Gretchen leaning over Kathryn who was lying on the bed and quietly approached them. Trent became concerned when saw that Kathryn had been crying, she was asleep now, he couldn't see Gretchen's face so he carefully reached out and shook her shoulder softly whispering her name in her ear.

Gretchen sat up and looked at Trent placing her finger to her lips at his concerned look. She carefully stood up and removed the dress that Kathryn was still holding running her hand lightly down Kathryn's arm for a moment. When she turned towards Trent her foot bumped a box on the floor that the dress was stored in. Trent reached down picked up the box and handed it to Gretchen. As Gretchen moved to the window seat to take care of the dress Trent noticed a photo on the floor where the box had been. He reached down and picked it up, when he turned it over his eyes quickly flicked to Kathryn's sleeping form then back at the photo before carefully slipping the it into his pocket. He turned and went over to Gretchen as she just finished folding the dress and placing it back into its box. "Everything okay?" he whispered as she handed him the box and pointed towards the closet. Trent put the dress box on the top shelf of Kathryn's closet and closed the door. Turning around he saw Gretchen placing a blanket she had taken out of the window seat and cover Kathryn with it. He followed Gretchen out of the room and down the hall to their bedroom down where Gretchen fell into his embrace burying her face in his chest. Trent just held Gretchen while rubbing her back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Gretchen pulled away from him slightly, "I'm not sure exactly what happened. She sent Shannon up to see if there was anything she could borrow to wear for Martha's party, when I came up a few minutes later Katie had thrown Shannon out of her room and locked the door. I sent Shannon home and tried to get Katie to open the door, but when she didn't answer I went and got the key. I found her on the bed in tears clutching that dress. I tired to get her to talk to me but…" Gretchen sighed. "Whatever's upsetting her has to do with that dress."

"What makes you say that?" Trent asked.

"She was perfectly fine before she saw Shannon wearing it. She's been in there crying for hours until she fell asleep a half hour ago. It tore my heart out to hear her hurting like that Trent."

Trent wrapped his arms around Gretchen, "I know sweetheart, I know," and kissed her on top of the head.