Welcome to The Secret Life of the All-Akatsuki Crack Head. I started writing one about Kisame, but inspiration hit me and, well, beggars can't be choosers. I would've rather had been hit with a plot bunny about Kisame, but… Well, you'll see. I suppose this is a sequel to The Quiet Ones. I sort of hit a dead end there. Couldn't quite think of any more Naruto character's that were quiet (Actually, now that I finished this, I have thought of a few, so I might go back and add a few chapters about them in The Quiet Ones. Don't worry, if I do, I promise to let you all know in a footnote or something). And, I didn't want to leave all my beloved reviewers hanging, so I've decided to continue with bothering the Akatsuki! :D After this, I'll probably move onto torturing and bothering other characters.
Disclaimer: Nothing is owned by me, therefore there is no need to worry about me ruining the world and causing it to explode with sugar and crack-ness.
Fuckin' Unicorns and their Fuckin' Singing!
It's was a rather normal day for Kakuzu and Hidan. They were on their way back to the base after a long mission- actually, it was pretty short and easy, but Kakuzu turned in a bounty and… well, story of my life.
As they jumped branch to branch, Kakuzu paused, staring into the brush, ignoring Hidan.
"Hurry up, bastard! My fucking show is on and I'll be damned if I fucking miss it because of you, fucker!" Hidan whined, stomping his foot in his little hissy fit.
Kakuzu glared at the Jashin worshiper. "Nobody cares about you or your soap operas. So, shut the fuck up before I ram your stupid ass scythe up your asshole."
With that, Kakuzu headed in the direction he had stared at, leaving a shocked Hidan to stutter out incoherent curse words. It wasn't long before Hidan recovered, racing after Kakuzu.
"I'm going to fucking sacrifice you to Jashin-sama."
"You can try," Kakuzu replied with an apathetic murmur.
Suddenly, Kakuzu stopped causing Hidan to slam into his partner.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Hidan cursed at Kakuzu.
He would have continued, if he had the chance to, but, alas, Kakuzu wrapped his creepy black threads of darkness around Hidan's head, squeezing it, the threat of Hidan's head getting popped off constantly there with the pressure of Kakuzu's tendrils.
Without Hidan screaming his head off, he was able to hear what Kakuzu was hearing.
"Don't call me horse," a group of voices floated to them from the distance, accompanied by a strange, technologic-type music. "I'm a unicorn!"
Kakuzu exchanged a look of confusion with Hidan. Hidan shrugged and made some obscene gestures that caused Kakuzu to release him.
"Dear Jashin! I fucking swallowed a fucking fly because of you, bastard!"
Sending him a warning glare, Hidan shut his trap for a few moments.
"Mystical, magical, mysterious, not plain; got wings like Pegasus and a nice, white coat; I grant wishes and prance, in the rain. U… N… I…C…O…R…N… that's Unicorn."
"Should we follow it?" Hidan questioned, truly curious.
Kakuzu nodded. "If unicorns are truly behind this stupid song, then we should search for them. They could rake me in a huge bounty."
"Is that all you ever fucking think about?! Money? You, stupid bastard! Religion's where it's at. Those fucking unicorns would really fucking please Jashin-sama. He's never gotten such a fucking pure sacrifice before."
Without a reply, Kakuzu set off towards the song, Hidan immediately setting off after him.
"U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N, yeah. U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N."
When they arrived… well, when they spotted the source of the song, they froze, baffled. In the middle of the clearing, a plethora of white horses with horns and wings, of all shapes and sizes, prancing about, singing.
"I'm a unicorn, 8000 B.C. Noah's arc wasn't built before me! I'm friends with dragons, Bob Saget, you think I'm not real? Full House! I'm in the background, fool! Eating grass all day, party all night, I'll grant your wishes right before your eyes! I'm hiding in your hills; eating your apples, drinking water, writing facts on your Snapples!"
"What the fuck is a 'Snapples'?"
"Perhaps it is what gives these creatures their powers of magical-ality."
"…Magical-ality?"
"The Authoress ate too much candy."
"Ah. Dumb bitch."
(Me: STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! Damn bastards.)
By this time, the mythical creatures stared at the ninja's with wide eyes, each frozen in their dance positions.
Hidan whipped out his scythe. "Prepare to be sacrificed to Jashin-sama, ya dumb-ass horse creatures!"
Kakuzu didn't speak, though he had been prepared to. What stopped him? The death glares and dark aura's escaping these 'pure' creatures.
The unicorn in the middle of all the others, rolled it's eyes and gave a delicate whinny, tossing it's mane, though none of the strands of hair got caught in the crown upon its head.
"Did you not listen to the song? Now, you're in for it!" The voice of the creature was surprisingly deep.
Hidan rolled it's eyes. "I'm immortal, you fucking horse thing. I know you can't be a unicorn because first of all, you have fucking wings… and aren't unicorns supposed to be all girly and shit?"
"HOW DARE YOU!? I AM KING OF THE UNICORN PEOPLE!" Smoke bellowed out of the nostrils of the "King of the Unicorn People" and his eyes had flames in them.
"Oh shit," Kakuzu muttered, making a hands sign and disappearing in a poof of smoke.
"WTF!? Kakuzu, I'M GOING TO KILL YOUUUUUU!!"
"ATTACK!!!"
"AHHHHHHHH!" Hidan's shrieks rang though the entire forest, causing Kakuzu, wherever he was, to flinch and snicker at Hidan's misfortune, all at the same time.
Poor Hidan. He never stood a chance. Of course, he didn't die, that would be too easy; besides, he was immortal. Whenever someone mentioned the words "unicorn"… let's just say it would take a loooonnnnggggg time before Hidan would ever be deemed "okay."
Moral of the story?? Don't call a unicorn a horse. Or, sometimes it pays to be a coward like Kakuzu and run away from creatures that initially seem girly…
I know it probably could've been better. This is most likely weirder than it is funny, but alas, I really don't give a shit, let alone two shits. This is more for my entertainment than anything. I need something to keep my strange-ness at bay. I'll try to make the next one funnier for you guys, though.
Another thing I would like to mention, yes, the song above is a real song. It's "Unicorn" By 1800 Zombie. It's rather entertaining and the source of my plot bunny.
If anyone has ANY ideas for me, please share. I know kind of how I'm going to do Kisame's thing and I have a slight idea for Deidara, but I'm not exactly sure how anyone else's going to go. Most likely one of my bestest biffle's will enlighten me.
Also, if you spot any mistakes/errors, please do not pay them too much attention. I'm not re-reading this until I post it, in fear of spotting something that makes me want to scrap this entire thing and put it off and never ever never ever go back to it. Which wouldn't be fair to you guy. And it's something that I would actually do because I'm rarely happy with anything I do, do… Hehe… do-do….
Thank's for tuning in, and please bear with me. I'll try updating my Thursday. Most of the next chapter's already complete.
With much love,
Bubbles of Ebil
