Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Just the same thing you read over and over again in every fic.
Warning: This takes place in Season 12, so if you don't know what happens it will ruin everything.
This is my first fic so...
Anyway, I want to thank Eva Cale for her support and help with this fic. And also Kira (elohimdancer319) for her help as well with grammar mistakes. English isn't my main language so I do apologize for any mistakes I might've missed. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy! Please review!
Sydney died. She shouldn't have died. Why didn't we stop it from happening? I shouldn't have listened to Clemente. I shouldn't have let this happen! God, why didn't I push in the saline…? As I walk from the ER into the ambulance bay all I can think of is her. The face she had when she was rolled in, her look when she spoke with her mother over the phone. Her heart in my hands… I shouldn't have to do that at all! Not with kids. Nobody should. She should have been playing with dolls not playing harlot with that psycho. And then I can only think of Luka. The anger wells inside of me. He just left me to handle the case all by myself.
I start walking to the El, oblivious to the people and cars around me. I'm too focused on the whole evening. I'm angry. Angry at Clemente, Luka and myself. I'm not going to shout at Clemente or feel miserable by myself. I head out of the El and begin to walk. And it's then I realize where I am. In front of Luka's apartment. Why am I here? And how did I get here? So is this who I want to shout at?
I get into the elevator and back out. I hear the bell ring. I wait, fidgeting. No answer. And I do it again and again. Maybe he is not home. I should've known. Probably out drinking. Maybe I just need a hot bath. I begin to walk back to the elevator when I hear the door open. I look around and there he is. Looking rather worn out. Is it sick that I'm pleased to see that?
"Hey" he says.
And I just "Hey" him back.
"Wanna come in?" I nod.
I walk down the stairs into his apartment. Where do I start? And then I just say
"You didn't, you didn't go to the debriefing?"
"Did you?"
"Yeah, it was just me, Eve and Clemente."
"Are you hungry? I've got some pizza, if you want I can warm it up in the microwave?"
No, of course I'm not hungry. Why does he think I'm here? Well, to start with I'm not sure why I'm here. So I cut him off and say
"No, I'm not hungry"
He just says ok. I guess he realizes something is wrong because after that I stay quiet and he had no better idea than to ask me if I'm mad about something. I stare at him and I can't quite believe he just asked that. Of course, I'm mad! Where has he been all day? But I guess I think better of it and say:
"What do you think?"
"Yes, look I didn't need to go to the debriefing."
What! God, that's not what this is about! I say:
"I don't care about that!"
He just doesn't get it because the next thing I know he is asking me what I'm talking about. Oh my God I can't believe this. Do I have to tell him? I just can't say it… Crap, I guess I will have to explain it all to him. And I begin… it's like a dam, I just opened the water flow and now I don't think I'm going to be able to stop it.
"I'm talking about you and Clemente and whatever is going on between the two of you. If you want to get into a pissing match with him, that's fine. Just leave me out of it."
He just has to say it, doesn't he?
"He was wrong"
What the hell! So is that what this is about? Jesus. He really doesn't get it and now I'm getting way too emotional and I hate it.
"Oh yeah… And that's the most important thing, isn't it? He was wrong and you were right. And while you were arguing about it the little girl died… As if she hadn't suffered enough."
I just did it. I said it. I can't believe I did. I guess I just blamed him for everything that happened tonight… but I can't just stop here… Now I'm almost crying… I can't look at him but I have to say it…
"God, she was 10 years old Luka! And he had her for months and I just…"
Damn it, I can't cry in front of him, but I was only gone for a few hours. Months? It makes me sick to think about it.
"I just… I just can't stop thinking about what she must've gone through and I can't stop thinking about how afraid she must've been and I can't stop thinking about why we couldn't save her"
And now I'm crying. I can't stop, and he is walking towards me looking guilty and concerned. What does he think he's doing?
"I just…"
And he takes my face in his hands and makes me look at him. I have to close my eyes. I don't want him to see the tears. When I open them again he is just inches away. And he finally kisses me. Tender. Gentle. And without thinking I kiss him back. Oh my God! I'm kissing Luka! Those lips, that feeling! I can't believe he is actually kissing me! And I'm kissing him back! Why! This isn't what was supposed to happen. He brushes his lips against mine and I have to open my eyes, I can't leave them shut forever. I look into his eyes expecting an answer for what has just happened. Is he out of his mind? And then I see it. The tender, compassionate look. There was no other way. He just explained, with his lips, what he couldn't vocalize. And I get it. And just like that, I forgive him. And then I can see the corner of his mouth flicker into a small smile and I just can't help it and do the same.
He stared at me for what seems like an eternity. Contemplating. And I'm squirming under his intense gaze but I can't look away. I don't know what to say. What should I say? He just kissed me! Though I did kiss him back. I can't do this. He moves his hands and caresses my cheek. It feels warm and comforting. And it's then when I realize where my right hand is. I just moved it to his waist and I didn't even notice it! He bends down again to kiss me. But this kiss isn't like the one before. This one is purposeful… intense. Passionate. His tongue is probing my mouth and I just can't help but welcome it. My arms move behind his head and I can feel his hands moving downwards to my waist to embrace me and pull me closer. His heart is beating against my chest. It's pounding really hard and mine seems to be about to explode out of my own. After a while, I realize what I'm doing and I just have to stop this. I came to talk about Sydney not to make out with Luka. So I gently push him away.
I look again to his eyes. And he looks back at me. We are still standing rather close and I can't seem to find any words. What is there to say? Why did he kiss me? Why did I kiss him? I guess I'm not the only one thinking that because he speaks:
"I… Abby, look… I'm sorry about what happened today with Sydney. I really am, but I…"
He has tears in his eyes now. And this time… I kiss him. I want to let him know it's okay. I understand. I know he's in pain too. He is taken aback by my sudden kiss but moments later I can feel him kissing me harder than before. His hands are under my shirt and making their way up. My hands are moving too and it looks like they have a mind of their own as they travel down to his waist pulling his shirt from the hem of his pants. He must be thinking something similar as his hands are suddenly removing my coat. I can't believe this is happening. What are we doing? Should I stop him? I can't… this feels to good, and so right. Besides I was the one that started this kiss. So I let him kiss me harder and reluctantly pull away to let him pull my shirt over my head. He's leaving a trail of kisses down my neck, onto my chest. I undo his own shirt and as I touch his bare chest the his familiar heat from his body warms my fingers. We finally part from the kiss and look at each other again.
I have to say something. I can't let him think that I'm here for this!
"Luka… I…"
My voice betrays me… I don't seem to find the words… So he moves his fingers to my lips and touches them softly. His eyes are asking me a question that he is afraid of asking. And as I still can't find the words I just nod in agreement to the unasked question. He pulls me into an embrace and I just let him hold me. I look up to him and he kisses me. I move my hands again to the back of his neck and he lifts me up. I wrap my legs around his waist instinctively. Pushing my hair to the side, he's nibbling at my neck. He's walking towards the stairs. What? We're going to his bedroom? Bad idea! But I just can't stop kissing him; this feels too good to stop him. Half way up, I find myself pressed against the wall. Jesus, he feels so good. As he makes his way up I can feel his kiss deepen and I feel my doubts receding quickly.
