disclaimer: i own nothing.
story title from lykke li's "no rest for the wicked"
chapter title from lauren bacall: "I am not a has-been. I am a will be."
chapter one. not a has-been, a will be.
Bellatrix Black woke with a start, breath barely reaching her lungs as she gasped for air. Her hands clawed at her neck and her eyes bulged. She twisted wildly, her legs catching in her skirts as she thrashed around.
After what felt like an hour, she settled back against the bed.
Must have been some Quidditch party, she thought wryly, staring up at the green canopy above her bed. Her whole body ached painfully, particularly her left side, where the younger Winickus brother had accidentally redirected a bludger into her. She pushed herself into a sitting position. She'd just have to convince Andy to give her one of the good headache potions and maybe patch up her ribs.
Bellatrix glanced around the seventh year dormitory, which was strangely empty. There weren't any trunks or posters. Not even Beth's annoyingly cloying perfume hung in the air. It was just...empty.
Bellatrix dove to the ground, searching for her belongings, but there was nothing there. Biting back a vicious curse, she stormed out of the room, ready to tear into whatever idiot messed with her belongings.
But the staircase was quiet and clean. Not at all how it should be after winning the Cup. Last night there had been streamers and butterbeer bottles and snogging couples. Now it was just abandoned.
Her heart pounded uncomfortably in her throat as she emerged into the common room.
"Alright, you filthy muggle-lovers, what have you…" Bellatrix's voice faded away as she stared at the empty room. Like the staircases, it was completely abandoned. There was no trace of anybody. In fact, it seemed like how the common room looked at the beginning of the term. But it was May.
Her wand now drawn, she tore back up the stairs, first to the first year dormitory in search of Narcissa. If whoever had pulled this stunt had touched either of her sisters, she would flay them alive, without magic. But it was empty. The beds were turned up, the pillows all stacked in one corner.
"Cissy!" She screamed, her voice breaking with the anxiety of her missing sister.
She checked every corner of the room before moving up to the fifth floor.
"Andy! Andromeda! This isn't funny anymore!"
With a long string of curses, she burst back into the common room. She would just go to breakfast and then hex whoever had done this into the next millennium.
Casting a cursory glance around the empty common room, Bellatrix shook her head and left the Slytherin common room.
As the door slammed shut behind her, a newspaper fluttered down from one of the bookcases.
LORD VOLDEMORT DEAD; HARRY POTTER VICTORIOUS
Bellatrix practically sprinted up the narrow staircases that led to the Great Hall. The air was heavy with dust and magic; it crackled at her skin. It felt both unnatural and strangely familiar.
When she finally reached the Entrance Hall, her mouth fell open.
It was in ruins. Large parts of the ceiling lay broken on the ground and there was a dark smear that looked awfully like blood across the floor.
"What in Merlin's name…" She trailed off as she saw a girl about her age emerge from behind one of the pieces of masonry. Her wand was in the air, directing a series of bricks back into the entryway. Bellatrix's fingers curled around her own wand as she watched the girl. She didn't even look vaguely familiar, but Bellatrix felt drawn to her.
Bellatrix's foot caught on a bit of loose rock, causing the stone to clatter across the floor noisily.
The girl spun around sharply, her wand posed for dueling. Her eyes fell on Bellatrix and her mouth fell open. "You!" She brandished her wand violently at Bellatrix. If not for her Quidditch instincts, Bellatrix might have been another dark smear on the floor as a large piece of rock flew past where her head had been. "You are supposed to be," the girl shot a fast series of stunners towards where Bellatrix lay, "dead!" she spat the last word along with a purple jet of light.
Bellatrix rolled to the side and threw up a shield. The spell glanced off into the wall behind her. The girl continued to throw curses at her, steadily advancing on her. Bellatrix, still disoriented by the state of the entrance hall, maintained a shield in front of her.
Bellatrix came to her senses as a stunner nearly grazed her cheek. She narrowed her eyes and surged forward, casting a series of curses back at the other witch. "Who in Merlin's name are you?"
The other witch was prodigious, nearly a match to Bellatrix's own skill. The two witches exchanged curses until a particularly tricky bit of skill work ended with Bellatrix on the ground, her wand in the other girl's hand.
"Get up." The other girl jerked her wand at her violently. "I said, get up." Bellatrix slowly stood to her feet, not too fond of the dark glint in the brunette's eye. " Incarcerous. "
"What are you doing? Do you know who I am?" Bellatrix struggled against the thin ropes cutting into her wrists.
The other girl sneered at her. "Of course I do. Now walk." Bellatrix froze as the other witch brandished for her to move. "Come on. We'll go speak with McGonagall. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to see you." The other girl gripped her shoulder and dug her wand into Bellatrix's back. Bellatrix hesitated for a moment before moving forward in the direction the girl pushed her. The pair walked in silence until Bellatrix made to turn towards the Transfiguration classroom. The other girl let out a hiss and forced her the other way.
"You said McGonagall, right?"
"Yes."
"We're going the wrong way."
"No, we aren't."
"Do you even attend Hogwarts?"
"I did."
"Past tense?"
"Just shut up, okay?"
Bellatrix shrugged her shoulder, ignoring the pain shooting up her ribcage. "Whatever you want."
The other girl led her through the hallways, which looked as if it had been ravaged by war. They came to a stop in front of the headmaster's office, guarded by a gargoyle missing its beak. The other girl moved in front of Bellatrix, one hand still resting on Bellatrix's shoulder. Bellatrix took the opportunity to study her captor more closely.
She was smaller than Bellatrix in height, but of a similarly slim build. Her hair looked like it needed a good smoothing potion, but was otherwise a pretty brown color. Bellatrix traced down the girl's outstretched arm on her shoulder.
Mudblood
A chill passed down Bellatrix's spine as she studied the word. It had been carved into her skin, still pink and scabbing at points. She couldn't tear her gaze away from the girl. Was she a mudblood? But she had been such a talented duellist. Her magic had overpowered Bellatrix. That couldn't be.
The letters looked so familiar.
Why did they look...so… "Granger?" The name fell from her lips without her awareness. The girl snapped her head to stare at Bellatrix. But then she was fading away. There was black forming around the edges of her vision. She was falling. She was falling. She was falling.
Bellatrix screamed. She screamed until her voice gave out. She screamed for her master, for her sister, for the deaths of her enemies. She cursed that fucking Weasley who had hit her. She cursed the Potter boy and his inability to die.
She sobbed. Tears coursed down her cheeks. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried.
That was a lie.
She knew when the last time she had cried had been. It had been as she held Cissy when a letter arrived from her middle sister, announcing her marriage to that filthy mudblood. After that, she had forsworn tears. She would not shed tears over anybody else.
And yet here she was, surrounded by darkness, sobbing.
"Child." The voice held the multitudes of the universe in it. It was timeless and ancient and it made Bellatrix want to claw her skin off. "Welcome."
Bellatrix hissed, but it was not in anger but in fear. "Where am I?"
The ensuing chuckle felt as if it could level civilizations. "That depends I suppose, child. Do you follow a religion?"
"I know of the Old Gods and of those worshipped by foolish muggles."
"All are close in their approximation of what happens next. But none are fully correct."
"What happens next?" Bellatrix rasped out, her eyes constantly seeking out the source of the voice. "What happens to me?"
"I have long been curious about you, Bellatrix Agrippa Black. I have watched you since you were born. When you and your mother almost perished. I watched as you fought and dragged yourself back into the world of the living. Your cheeks turned pink and you wailed and I was intrigued. Your name. Bellatrix. The female warrior. You are at your core, a fighter. I have watched as you have fought through every moment of your life."
A press of images overwhelmed Bellatrix.
xx
"You fought to protect your sisters from the dangers of your father, from the darkness of your mother."
Narcissa, aged five, braided daisies into Bellatrix's dark hair while Andy wove crowns of flowers for them.
Andromeda, her face smiling and so similar to Bellatrix's own. The pair of them curled in one bed, giggling, whispering secrets.
xx
"You fought to prove yourself."
The rapid-fire images of her sorting, her first Quidditch cup, her dueling championships.
The images disappeared as a voice she had not heard in many years said, "You could be brilliant, Bellatrix, but you must choose your own path. Do not allow others to control your destiny."
"Of course not, Professor McGonagall."
"If you do not wish to go through with this wedding, you will always have a place with me."
A warm smile, a cup of tea.
xx
Then pain.
"You fought to save yourself from pain, even though it meant throwing yourself into the fire."
The burn of the dark mark. Her Lord's hissed words of praise.
But then, Rodolphus' face looming over her. She tried to scream but there was no sound.
xx
"But in your fight for survival, you have lost your soul."
"I have lost nothing, but my Lord!" Bellatrix spat out, her hands curling into fists at her side.
That laugh came again and Bellatrix wanted to curl into a ball.
"You have lost everything. But fret not, child. Of all those who have died today, you shall be the only one to receive a second chance."
"To stand by my master." She stated.
Something hissed across her cheek, leaving pain in its wake. "Foolish child. You will have a chance to redeem yourself. You have left a scar across your world. And you will repair it."
"I did my best to serve my Lord! I will not apologize for that! Release me!"
Something gripped her head tightly as if it were pressing her further into the darkness. "You will return but it will not be as you currently are. I will return you to before you were tainted, but you will not forget what you have done. You will live with the weight of your actions."
The darkness pressed down upon her, forcing her back into nothingness.
xx
"Professor! Professor! You need to come down right away!" Hermione managed between sharp breaths after her sprint up the narrow staircase.
"Miss Granger, breathe please." Professor McGonagall looked up at Hermione from behind her square glasses. "What has happened that has gotten you into this state?"
Hermione wanted to squirm under her teacher's gaze but fought the urge. "I think you need to see it to believe it. I barely believe it myself."
"I'd appreciate it if you stopped speaking in riddles, Miss Granger," said McGonagall, even as she rose and joined the young woman in the entryway. "Lead the way." She motioned for Hermione to descend and Hermione was quick to do so, leading her to where she had left Bellatrix.
"I captured her in the Entrance Hall and was in the process of taking her to you when she fainted."
There was a sharp intake of breath beside her as her professor took in the young features of Bellatrix Lestrange.
"Is that…?"
"Bellatrix Lestrange," the name hung like poison in the air.
Hermione tore her gaze away from the dark witch slumped against the wall to her professor, who looked as if she had seen a ghost. McGonagall opened her mouth as if to speak but then paused, a deep sadness in her eyes as she stared at the aristocratic features, unmarred by Azkaban and war.
"No, I believe this is Bellatrix Black. She looks as she did in her school days."
"Time Turner accident?"
"Perhaps," said McGonagall through pursed lips. "We best move her to the Hospital Wing. We'll find out more once she wakes up."
please drop a note, would love to hear from everybody about my reentry into the harry potter fandom!
also cross posted on ao3
much love,
b xx
