SERIOUSLY

SERIOUSLY?!

Author's Note: I can NOT believe I'm starting another story. I am so sorry for anyone out there who's reading my existing stories and this one pops up virtually out of nowhere. I'm not sure whether this counts as humor or not... it was funny inside my head, but then again I guess anything could be.

So all I'm saying is that I don't really make sense and sincere (well, as sincere as I could be) apologies... for whatever you people feel like having me apologize for.

Oh, and this chapter will be in BPOV since I find Bella's perspective as the easiest one to write a story from. Anyhow... Bella and obviously all of the Cullens are vampires in this. They've all been vamps for a while now, so I'm not going to include the whole OMG!! It's a HUMAN! I gotta suck blood! thing in this. I guess I'm sort of combining the info from my pole as the vampire one and the totally stupid thing. I might be writing an AU everyone's-a-human story after this, but... yeah. The wolves aren't included AT ALL in this story, so all you Jacob lovers don't come sue me, now.

Also, if you can't handle vocabulary such as something you wouldn't find in a book that a fifth grader would read, then don't read this. Was written for my own amusement, as was that one shot on Jacob and the whole duck issue thing... go read it if you want, it's weird. This was written after too much coffee, and not a lot of sleep, combined with my whacko mind, as with Jacob and the Rubber Duck. I'm probably going to write more chapters of this, but I don't know when I'll be able to update.

I was SO sure that this wasn't a good idea. What had made me agree to this?! I am so going to... but, ugh! I am going to hit myself in the head with a book or something after this... Then again, who can resist the charm of my oh-so-wonderful-used-to-be-boyfriend-and-now-husband-who-also-happens-to-be-a-vampire, Edward Cullen?

Still, as I stared out of the window—without speaking, I might add—I was going over in my head the fact that, if I survive this, I am so going to be very pissed off at my personal Greek god. Well. That sounded rather stupid. But it WAS very hard to stay mad at him. I couldn't even hold a coherent thought in my own head, for god's sake. I felt very childish as I pouted, and glared at him.

"Bella, love, please don't be mad at me," he said. Oh lord! He was so cute... how can I...? Bella! I scolded myself.

"Humph." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I'll protect you, Bella, I swear," he smirked, "Don't tell me you're scared of big ole Tanya, now."

"No, but she'll be all... you know... she'll be trying to steal you from me!" I huffed, exasperated.

"Ahh, so you're speaking to me again?" he grinned.

"No..." he kissed me, and I forgot whatever it was that I was going to say before it was out of my mouth.

"Besides, shouldn't it be you that's scared of 'big ole Tanya'?" I asked him, "As I recall, your last visit was very..."

"Ugh... don't remind me about that," he shuddered, "I was scared."

"Aww... Eddie, I'll 'protect' you!" I smiled, turning his own words against him.

"You, Mrs. Finally-a-Cullen are a tricky one, aren't you?" he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, and I cursed myself at the effect that he still had on me. You'd think that after fifty years of being a vampire... ugh! Never mind.

"Please, please, break it up, folks!" Emmett's loud voice brought us back down to Earth, and I felt his huge jeep screech to a halt.

"Anyway—"

"EDDIE!" A skinny girl that reminded me too much of Lauren Mallory, from back at Forks, launched herself into Edward's arms as soon as we were out of the car. I was seriously annoyed, but hoped it didn't show on my face. Might as well give being diplomatic a chance.

Edward tried hard to pull himself from her iron grasp. "Uh... Irina, this is my wife Bella. Bella, Irina."

"YOU GOT MARRIED WITHOUT TELLING ME?!" she yelped, "EDDIEKINZ HOW COULD YOU?!"

I coughed to cover up a laugh, and she gave me one of those evil stares. "Ahem," I said.

"You. Seriously?! My darling Eddiekinz got married to this bit—"

"Umm... Irina," I saw Edward try very hard to control his anger; "If you would just... ahem... let me go..." he squirmed, as I laughed out loud.

"Well, don't worry, Eddie, you can always divorce her. It's quite common, nowadays, actually..."

"IRINA!" Edward screamed in her face, and for a second she looked so frightened that she let him go, "I have no intentions of EVER getting separated from Bella. And my name is Edward, thank you very much."

"But... but... how could you?!" she gasped, "We... we could've had a future together... we could've..." she sobbed.

I turned to Edward and raised an eyebrow, as he laughed. "Don't laugh at me, you little bitch!" she screamed, and waved her hands around in the air. She looked like she was SUPPOSED to be proving a point, but only succeeded in looking extremely stupid. Seriously... was this girl having a seizure?

"Irina, I'm sure that Bella and Edward would like to meet the rest of the family," Carlisle stepped in.

"Wait until I tell the sisters about you! You will NOT be welcomed here, you... you little...!" she screamed, "I can't believe... why Edward... Jeez... got no sense of..." I heard her mutter, "Humph!"

"Well..." I said uncertainly, "That was... quite a welcoming wasn't it?"

"She'll warm up to you," Edward reassured me, "She just has to get used to the idea of you and me together... Actually I found that quite entertaining."

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen... DON'T tell me that you enjoyed the sight of me in pain?!" I asked in an awed voice.

"Sorry," he laughed, "But it was just TOO funny... You should've seen your face!"

"Well don't expect me to 'protect' you again, Mr. Cullen!" I said to him, "And don't try to dazzle your way out of this! I'm mad at you!"

"Kids..." Carlisle motioned for us to get moving, with an amused expression on his face. Why was everyone finding me... funny, today?!

I grumbled my way up to the 'house.' More like a mansion! How they had managed to get a mansion in Alaska was beyond me, but, hey. I held Edward's hand as we walked, and stared down any female who looked at him. Scowling, we finally made it pass the door when—

Another one of those stupid Denali bitches arrived out of nowhere. What was her name again? God damn it I hated them so bad... Oh, right. It was Kate. She literally jumped out of nowhere, and pounced on him. Wrapping her arms around him, she plopped a big kiss on his mouth. Hugging him tightly, she whispered (though I could clearly hear) "I missed you so bad, Eddiekinz! You didn't even send me a letter! How could you?!" Again, she grabbed him and kissed him... god I was right there! WAS I INVISIBLE TODAY?! Good lord...

"Uh... I'll just um... go..." Edward said, awkwardly pulling away from her and grabbing my arm roughly. I managed to stop myself from sticking my tongue out at her like a two-year-old, but the hurt expression on her face was just hilarious.

"GOD I WILL—" I stomped off, leading Edward... then remembered that I had no idea where I would be 'sleeping.' Preferably sharing a room with Edward, but knowing those... ugh.

Turning around, I didn't resist the urge to stick my tongue out at him this time. "Bella, love that was so cute..." he laughed.

"Those stupid... I can't stand them!" I growled.

"I cannot say that I enjoy their company either, but since we will be staying with them for the next year or so..."

"No... Please..." I looked up at him with what I hoped was an expression that showed my pain. "How can you stay at a place like this where every single girl in the vicinity is flinging themselves at you so shamelessly?"

"Honestly... I have no idea," he said shaking his head, "But it's pretty much the same wherever I go... you get used to it."

"Well, I don't recall you being so cool after the whole Kyle Incident." I remembered the town we had gone to fourteen years prior... It could only be remembered as the town that the 'Kyle Incident' took place in.

I'd explain but... oh what the heck. Author's Note: You people who don't read flashbacks can skip this part. It doesn't really have to do with the plot, it was just fun to write.

FLASHBACK!

We had just arrived in the small town of (INSERT NAME OF RANDOM PLACE WHERE IT RAINS A LOT HERE) when a group of boys, probably around fifteen years old approached us with the 'omigod-she-is-so-hot' look on their faces. I almost laughed out loud. I was getting this a lot lately. Poor Edward—having to listen to all of their thoughts; I would go insane. Anyhow, a tall blond came up to me.

"Hey. I'm Nat... It's short for Nathaniel, y'know." I could tell that he was very smug about something, and I didn't need Jasper's talent to know that. What he was so happy about, I couldn't figure out.

"I'm Bella," I said, introducing myself, "And this is Edward; my boyfriend." No need to add in the fact that we were married... I was passing off as sixteen.

"Right," he said, looking down.

"Told you she was taken," I heard a boy whisper in the background.

"Well, yeah. Anyway, I was... wondering whether you wanted to go out with me... like, to a movie or something," he stuttered.

"Did you not hear her?" Edward stepped in, "She said she has a boyfriend."

"I wasn't talking to you Ed."

"Uh... sorry, I don't think I'm free from between... now, and um... forever." Smooth, Bella... So the innocent, not-getting-it thing was out.

"Move aside... Watch how a real man does it," a redhead said pushing aside his friends. He was holding a skateboard, and practically tripped over it. I suppressed a giggle—no doubt he'd get the wrong idea.

"Oomph," Nat grumbled as he, too, was pushed to the side.

"I'm Kyle... but you can call me... hmm... Ky. Yeah, Ky. That sounds okay. Yeah, anyway... babe you wanna go out?" he turned back to his friends, "They love it when you insert the word 'babe' into the sentence. Watch and learn, man."

I was seriously annoyed, now. "Excuse me?"

"Well... never mind. So... yeah; how 'bout it? I know you're not a fool to reject Nat... He's an idiot. But..."

"Ugh! Let's go, Edward," I said, pulling him with me by the arm.

"But... I used the word babe and everything!" Man, this little dude was desperate.

"Dumb ass," I muttered.

But that wasn't the end of it. During that entire week, flowers started showing up at the house. First, it was just a single blossom. By the end of those seven days, they were arriving by the dozen. In bouquets, or in bundles. Emmett sure got a laugh out of it. There were notes attached to them too. 'Wanna hang out?' was a common one, proceeded by 'You know you want me,' which was just a bust, and even some 'Bet you're sorry now's. I threw them all out, of course. In the trash can which was visible from the driveway. But did that stop this little guy? God, he was even more annoying than Mike Newton! These notes, of course, were always finished off with 'With love, from Kyle.'

Good thing Charlie wasn't around to see this... at least the Cullens understood my dilemma, having suffered through this themselves. But did this stop them from laughing their heads off with each and every set of flowers? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

By the end of that entire MONTH, I was sick and tired of it all. In the dead of the night, I crept outside, with a paintbrush, several neon bright colors, and a huge 9x9 (feet) sheet of paper. 'KYLE WHAT'S-YOUR-FACE,' I painted, 'LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU ARE AN IDIOT. GET A LIFE.' Satisfied with my work, I hung it up, supporting it with a branch from an old oak tree.

END FLASHBACK!

Author's Note: in summary, if you didn't read the flashback, it's about this kid called Kyle getting on her nerve by sending her flowers and such... you know, classic desperate-guy-chasing-after-girl-with-a-boyfriend type thing.

Now that I think about it, it was kind of funny. But it was fourteen years ago, now. I hoped that Kyle guy had taken my advice and given up the art of chasing random girls around until they paint a banner and stick it in front of their house. Maybe he even has a girlfriend, I mused, though who would go for someone like him?

Anyway, it was always a good story to tell when I wanted to remind Edward of how he had felt when bitches were going after him like their lives depended on it. He was too good for them anyway... that's not saying that he's only good enough for me. When your husband is that perfect, you've always got to watch your back to make sure that no one is about to steal him from under your nose.

"That kid was so annoying!" Edward said, "I don't see why you didn't just let me go up to him and teach him a lesson."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, Edward. Violence is not the solution to our problems! Okay, so it may be the answer to mine, but..."

"Be nice to our hosts," he said, but I could tell that he wasn't serious. Well, at least two were down, or so I hoped. It was only one more. Kate was her name. Good thing that Carmen was attached to her Eleazer... four of these... things, I don't think I could handle.

"Well... anyway..."

"Edward!" Tanya descended down the stairs gracefully, scarcely clad in a miniskirt that barely covered her butt.

"Here we go again," I rolled my eyes.

"Oh... Hello Tanya," Edward said politely.

"I was wondering when you and your family would show up here, Edward. You haven't been here to visit in such a long time!" She was reeling him in slowly. This was practically a replay of fourteen years ago. Kate and Irina would've been Nat, and Tanya was the 'Kyle.' Goodness! Their names both had two syllables, too. Oh man, I'm going insane.

"Yes, well, Tanya, Bella and I were just—"

"So this is the infamous Bella Swan," she said, her eyes giving me a once over. She was clearly happy with what she saw—a plain human turned plain vampire.

"Cullen," I said, the first word I'd uttered since Tanya had shown up.

"Hmm? What was that, Swan?"

"Her last name is Cullen," Edward said, "We got married. Fifty years ago, in fact. It's really too bad that you and your sisters couldn't come to the wedding."

"Yep! So I'm officially a Cullen, now," I said.

Her eyes scrutinized me again, as if trying to find something in me worthy of Edward's love. To be honest I didn't know what it was either, but hey. I wasn't going to complain, if the world's most gorgeous vampire was in love with me!

"Well," she huffed.

"So..." I said, noting the fact that the atmosphere was feeling very awkward. Jasper had better not be playing with our moods!

"Yes... So... Tanya. Bella and I will be going to our room."

"Your room?" she asked, "Oh... We had prepared two rooms for you two."

"Oh, well, will it be alright if we..."

"Really, it's no trouble," she glared at me, "In fact, I think some would prefer it this way."

"Scared they're going to do something naughty in your house?" Emmett showed up, laughter clear in his eyes.

"Emmett!" I shushed him. If I were human, I would've blushed.

"Tanya, I'm sure it will be alright if one of those two rooms were not in use," Edward said, trying to calm things down.

"Fine," she agreed, but I couldn't help but think that this was due to the influence of Edward's eyes staring down at her.

"So... HONEY," I said, dragging him away.

"Yes, DEAR," he asked, confused to some extent.

"Come with me," I told him, running out of the huge house.

When we were so far away that even a vampire couldn't hear us, I said softly to him, "I understand that you may have to get them to agree with you on something, but I am not allowing you to dazzle them!" Okay... that needs rewording.

"But darling Bella, you know that I can't help it," he smiled crookedly.

"Stop that!" I snarled, "Why is everyone here enjoying my agony?!"

Author's Note: So... how was that? It was kind of weird, in my opinion. But you try writing good stories when you're listening to random old songs by Avril Lavigne. This was kind of funny in my head... but anyway. I really don't know why I wrote this, but I was frickin' damn bored, okay? I think there's already a lot of Denali Clan stories like this out there, but, well... if you don't like it, just tell me. I can take a flame, lol. Again, I don't know when the next chapter of this will be up, but I'm already starting to write it, so hopefully, it will be posted soon. And with any luck, I'll be able to update my other stories, too.

Seriously, though, I think this is the longest chapter I've written to any story, ever. Seven pages, on Microsoft Word, under Tw Cen MT. (I got tired of plain old Times New Roman). Lmfao... XD I really don't get myself sometimes, so I doubt you, my readers, will.

Please review. It'll make me happy (yeah, like my happiness will make you guys review) but I WILL be able to update faster if I get some nice reviews! So yeah! Hmm... Where did that enthusiasm come from?

MoonsilverTwilight