A/N:so I went through and re-wrote a lot of this. I didn't originally plan to make thstory longer story, but how have a plot, thanks to a friend who bounced around ideas with me for a while. Expect sporadic updates...I hope...

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It wasn't the sort of place Samantha would have expected. Small, located between alleys, and looking as though it was on the verge of giving up and collapsing she found The Good Shepard.

No one could say the commander hadn't retained her sense of humor.

She supposed the only good thing you could say about the place was that it was busy. She had been camped out for nearly an hour working up her courage and nursing the worlds largest cup of pond scum. There was a rumor the locals called it coffee. Every few seconds since she had arrived someone was always walking in or out. Generally, those walking out looked marginally happier then those walking in. These days you took happiness where you could find it.

Earth was recovering from it's near death experience, but it was by no means there yet. For the most part, rebuilding was slowly but surely progressing everywhere. This city was no different, but still- what was that quote?- the poor will always be with us? And these days the destitute were plentiful.

Sam took another sip and frowned. The pond scum was getting cold. Time to take the plunge. Samantha tossed the foam cup in a nearby garbage can, crossed the alley and entered the building.

Inside, she found herself at a crossroads. The small lobby had two doors, one to the kitchen, the other to the medical station. She decided on the medical area and made a sharp left turn.

It was a rush of warmth after the nearly freezing alley and she pulled her hat off. She had been hoping, sans her uniform, she wouldn't be recognized. The Normandy Crew, one and all, were considered heros these days. If this was indeed the right place, she wondered how Shepard had avoided detection.

The medical station appeared to be a sort of makeshift ER. In the entry way nearly every chair was filled. People with hopeless faces filled nearly every seat. Samantha felt out of place. After the war, she had been treated as a hero. Given an apartment, a lead position in a lab. These people had been left with nothing, less then nothing. No house, no friends. No place to go.

A woman with a thin but friendly face approached her, "welcome to the Good Shepard, the line today is long. Would you like anything to drink while you wait? Steven makes an excellent cup of coffee."

Samantha shook her head, "no, no thank you, actually, I- I'm looking for a woman named Melody. Melody Shepard. Have you heard of her?"

The woman shook her head, "The war hero? I'm sorry, I don't- Perhaps you'd like to speak with the owner?"

"Lucy, I'll handle this."

Shepard might be able to change her hair and face, but the voice was unmistakeable. It was the same one that was slightly hoarse from screaming at battlefields and so steady you couldn't argue with it. The voice of a commander.

The woman hadn't made an anxious, dismissive gesture with her hands as she stepped forward. The last time Traynor had seen Shepard she was covered in scars from her cybernetics and her eyes had been hollow, red, and bruised looking from exhaustion. Her scars had healed, the skin of her face was smoother than Sam had ever seen it, but she walked with a slight limp that hadn't existed before.

"My name is Bri Slater, I own the shelter. What can I do for you...?" The sentence trailed into a question.

So that was how she wanted to play it. Samantha extended a hand, "Samantha Traynor, would you mind speaking privately with me?"

Melody-Shepard-Bri pursed her lips then nodded, "give me a minute." She tilted her head, indicating Samantha follow. They walked through the waiting room into the halls of curtained off areas for patient rooms. There was soft moaning behind on and Rizpah pushed the curtain out of the way.

"Ali, how we doing?"

Ali couldn't have been much older then sixteen and she was sitting on a hospital bed holding a very pregnant belly. The mother gave a breathy laugh, "think he's going to be a handful."

Bri smiled gently, "doc said it'll be another few hours, they're going to call me. I Have some business to take care of."

"Ok, just promise you'll be here."

With one hand holding the young mother's cheek and the other brushing sweaty hair from her forehead Shepard nodded, "promise."

With that, Sheaprd led her back through the clinic with another aide by her side, giving rapid fire orders, "Make sure the Ortega family eats. Worry is no excuse. If our visitor from last night wakes up, notify me. We're going to need more soup and more coffee, it's cold out and that means we're working overtime. Find people to work the kitchen through the night. Notify me if there are any problems." Bri glanced at Sam, "this might take a while."

The walked back through the clinic and into the lobby, step into the kitchen. The hungry eyes of the people followed her. Sometimes Shepard stopped, touching an arm, giving a smile, shaking a hand. Sometimes people stopped her, a thank you, an update on a sick family member. She had an ear for everyone. Shepard used to do this for her crew.

"Are you hungry? The kitchen has chili today."

"I just ate, thank you."

"Suit yourself."

They stepped through a tiny side door and up a flight of stairs. Her room was smaller then her captains cabin. A twin sized bed, made neatly, a dresser, and a desk with a computer. Shepard sat on a chair in front of the desk and gestured towards the bed.

"I apologize, I don't receive guests often."

Samantha took a deep breath and looked around the room. "Commander-"

"Bri. Shepard, in private, if you must. And how the hell did you find me?"

Samantha smiled, "you're a difficult woman to track down."

"Did Liara give me away? She promised she wouldn't send anyone after me."

"No," Samantha had forgotten how disconcerting Shepard could be, "no, I found you myself. Finding things has become a bit of a specialty."

"I suppose it is. Why me?"

"It's been five years. There's a memorial in London. I thought you would want to come. Maybe say a few words. You knew so many of them."

Shepard stood, "not interested. I'll show you out."

"Wait," Shepard paused, raising an eyebrow. "I wanted to talk, no one has seen you since you left the hospital. We. The Normandy came back we all thought you were dead. You just vanished and now..."

The woman who was once the single most important person in the galaxy sat back down looking distinctly nervous. She wrung her hands nervously and focused on her lap. "Traynor, that was a long time ago. I've started over."

"I can see that, it looks as if you're doing well."

"I think I deserve a little peace, a little happiness."

"Are you? Happy, I mean?"

"I never had a family, Traynor. Don't know what happened to them. The crew of the Normandy was as close as I got."

"Some of them are still alive. They miss you."

"The key word some. Do you know how many of them died?"

Traynor paused, "there was Mordin."

Shepard nodded, "yes, but before him there was Kaidan on Virmire. Ashley later, because I was too much of a bitch to let the past be the past. I shot her on the citadel. Thane died there too. Then, in the battle for earth there were Garrus and Tali," Shepard swallowed, "I held Tali while she died. Garrus, I had to leave behind. He was wounded, held off forces until he couldn't. Then he shot himself so they wouldn't turn him. An then there was Anderson...," Shepard shivered suddenly, as if she were cold.

Traynor glanced out the window, "and Edi."'

"Joker wouldn't speak with me after I told him I knew what would happen when I fired the catalyst. Is he still angry with me?"

"No."

"You're a shitty liar Traynor."

"He's thought about forgiving you. He nearly came with me."

Shepard paced the room, "he shouldn't. I Knew what would happen to Edi and the Geth. It was my fault. I led my team into a death trap and I didn't give a damn. All I cared about was winning the war. You remember Ann Bryson?"

"From the Leviathon Project."

"Permanant vegetative state because of me."

"I'm sorry."

Shepard snorted, "I wasn't. Didn't give a damn. If it won us the war it was worth it."

"It worked."

"At what cost?" Shepard was nearly shouting, "I treated the people I loved as expendable. Won the war for humanity and lost my soul in the process. I saved this chunk of rock, but how many people died for it?" Shepard sank to the bed, next to Traynor, her energy spent, "I'm trying to gain my soul back. Make peace with the dead."

Whoever this woman was, she wasn't the same Commander that Traynor had fallen for. She didn't blame her for changing. No one could be the same after everything she had been through. Maybe that was why she put her arms around her. Shepard stiffened a moment and then lay her head against Traynors shoulder and took a deep, shuddering breath. For a little while the room was filled only with the ragged sounds of Shepard's breath.

An omni-tool beeped and Shepard straightened and tapped at it. "What is it?" She was calm now, no evidence of her former outburst showed on her face.

"No, Lucy, no mechs will be needed to chase away my visitor." Her mouth twitched upwards, "I'll be down shortly."

Traynor laughed weakly as Shepard hung up, "thanks for not putting your boot in my ass."

Shepard shook her head, "I have to convince you to leave me alone," she said bluntly, "otherwise you'll come back and bring someone else with you and convince me to save the world again. Now, I have a prayer to say."

"A what?" Traynor stared at the woman wide eyed, "I didn't know you were religious."

"I wasn't."

Samantha realized how little she knew about this woman. Every man, woman, and child on earth owed thier lives to her. Shepard had made the ruthless calls that were needed in the situations she was put in. The world hadn't needed her compassion, it had needed someone who made the hard choices. The only people Shepard extended empathy for were members of her crew. And yet, she kept to herself. She never gave the same personal information or confidences to her crew that they gave to her.

The trip down the stairs and back through the clinic flew by. They made thier way back through the partitioned areas. Somewhere along the way Lucy was back beside them with an update that must have warmed Shepard's ex-military heart with the style it was delivered in.

When Sam heard a scream she guessed where they were headed. Shepard smirked at her, "ever seen a childbirth, Traynor?" Then she was in the partitioned area. Shepard stood by the teen's leg listening to Lucy rail off details about dialation and contractions. Shepard nodded, "alright kiddo, ready to meet your baby?"

The whole process was faster then Traynor would have expected and later she would remember, it in blurs. Blood, and screams, and Shepard calling encouragement and then a new sound like squawking or meowing and Shepard was laughing and saying, "it's a boy, Ash," and holding something that was flailing. "It's a slippery one to." The one absurd, and concrete fact that Samantha remembered was that never had she seen the commander smile like that on the Normandy.

Five minutes later she was looking at a squawking baby boy as Shepard swaddled him with practiced ease. "He's beautiful," Samantha said.

Shepard grinned, "isn't he?" She held him close to her, "It's nice to be the be who brings life for once. I brought so much death. It takes something from you when you kill. I didn't know until I got here. I didn't think I could do this at first. Now.." Shepard trailed off and placed her hands on either side of the child's head. Her next words were soft and low like a chant. It was, Samantha realized, a prayer, "Arashu, mother of our souls and protector of our hearths, this one is newly born. Guide this one, Arashu. Let him remain pure though beset by wickedness. Protect this one, Arashu. Let him be your companion in this life and the next."

"Amen," Samantha added uncertantly. "Drell?"

Shepard nodded, "from Thane's prayer book."

"I understand why you won't come back." Samantha blurted out. Right or wrong Shepard was keeping the memory of the fallen alive like this. Because in the end they hadn't died for the chunk of rock, they had died for the people living on it, the homeless men and pregnant girls. "Could I stay for a while, maybe I could help?"

Shepard looked down at the baby for a moment and then nodded, "yes, I think I would like that."