211 Things A Bright Shinigami Can Do
Disclaimer – I don't own Bleach, much to my great disappointment. I also don't own the 211 Things a Bright Girl/Boy Can Do, although I do own the girls version of the book. I read it recently, and it had to be the funniest 'how to' in history. Seriously. Buy it if you haven't already. It is fab and marv and also fab.
I have had this idea in my head for a while, but never quite got round to writing it. I have a few ideas in my head, but I need help – A LOT – if this thing is going to go the distance (i.e. 211 chapters.)
Yes, it's going to be a soul destroying chore. 211? I've never made it past 14… So please, help is much appreciated. Anyone has any ideas, let me know. Credit will be given – guarantees.
Right, if were doing this, let's get on with it.
A Little History, or How It All Began
Soul Society has its own version of urban legends. Some are absolute rubbish (for example, that the Squad Four captain likes to sneak into Squad Eleven in the dead of night and rough up the officers, to keep her busy – Not True). Some have a basis in fact (for example, Squad Eleven are terrified of Unohana because they hear she likes to beat them up – True to a certain extent).
But there are some that no-one really believes, but are actually true.
The Shinigami's Book of Wisdom – or 211 Things a Bright Shinigami Can Do, as it has become known – is one of them.
It is said to lurk somewhere within the Seireitei library. Where? No-one knows. Except those who have picked it up by chance. It doesn't have a library ticket either. So there's no need to check it in or out.
Rumoured to have been started by Yamamoto-soutaichou himself, it is the equivalent of the Bible for all Shinigami. Originally, it contained just 100 chapters, but some bright spark had the initiative to add their own ideas to the mix. So far it's going strong at 211 chapters, and it's said that every captain and lieutenant who's ever passed through the place has added a little of their own wisdom to it. No doubt they gained their position by paying attention to the brilliance within it's pages.
Not knowing where it is, of course, makes using it a little difficult. Once you get it, make sure the follow the Code of Conduct, clearly stated at the start –
Once you have the book, you may keep it for up to one year.
If you get transferred to another division, you must return the book.
If you get sent to the Squad Four infirmary to get healed, for whatever reason, the book must be returned.
You can't tell anyone about it. Not even if they ask you outright – 'have you got the book?' No-one must know about it, bar you.
It is forbidden to add anything to any of the pages already there, especially doodles and graffiti. (note – only one person has EVER broken this rule. See chapter 156 for the disfigurement, and a graphic description of What Happen Next.)
This book is sacred. It is as old as Soul Society itself. It also stands as lasting evidence that Yamamoto did once have a sense of humour, and was once as ordinary a Shinigmai as everyone else. If you deface, befoul, damage, mar, disfigure, crease, rip, tear, shred, or in any other way desecrate these hallowed pages, the punishment will be dire. No one has ever run the risk of The Punishment – don't be the first!
Once your time with the book is up, you must replace it. Don't even think about keeping it longer than allowed – they will know. Who are they? No one knows for certain, much less how they know. But the book is apparently tracked. Don't be the one to break the rules that govern it's use, or you may find your self lying in a ditch with your trousers round your ankles, with no memory as to how you got there (further details can be found inside)
Don't forget, you selfish beast - before the book is returned, you must add a little of you own brilliance to it. It doesn't matter that your head is as empty as a hollow walnut (although it shouldn't be after reading this) – no taking without giving. You must also, with great care, change the number at the front of the book, so that it shows the new number of chapters contained. Feel free to add more than one, if you happen to be a smarty-pants. One chapter is quite enough if you have the intelligence of a chimp.
Best handwriting only, please. If your penmanship sometimes gets confused for the random scratchings of a baboon brandishing a stick, practise before hand.
Be proper. No slang or cussing. This is a useful book of knowledge, not something from a joke shop. Did Mark, Mathew, Luke or John ever swear when they wrote the Bible? That should give you an example of how to behave.
Finally, remember – use the information in this book wisely, but do not tell anyone about it. Even if you find you best friend has contributed, it is Forbidden to discuss the content of the pages with anyone. Remember; they will know.
So enjoy. This book has fallen, quite by chance, into your lap. Don't be tempted to wolf the whole thing in one go. Like a box of chocolates, it will only leave you feeling queasy and overwhelmed. Best to sample a couple of chapters at a time to enjoy it at it's best.
So get it home, don't let anyone see, and when you have a spare minute, get ready. This book will literally change your whole outlook on life…
