ab initio
prologue
"from the beginning"
No one ever seemed to believe her when she said she could remember the moment of her birth and even beyond that.
They said that she couldn't have possibly remembered anything before that —because anything before conception was simply nothing, an abysmal status of nonexistence.
After some thinking, Ikehara Yūhi bitterly decided that it seemed fitting that her past life was full of 'nothing,' kept alive by only the slightest of intuition.
So she sat there in a holding cell under the Commission of Counter Ghoul —alone, cold, and charged with treason.
.
.
.
"Maybe ya got a fifth sense or somethin'."
She looked at her squad-mate, bewildered. "Um, Shirazu, you mean sixth sense? Like ESP?" She shuddered at the very idea.
. . .
The wise always claimed that the creation of life was a beautiful process, but only the wisest knew that it was nothing short of bloody, traumatizing, and unnecessarily sticky.
It was really no wonder that the average person typically did not remember anything before the age of three.
But Yūhi was no average person, and this was no average story.
Her first memory of this life is coming out, vision foggy and disoriented, as she feels gentle, gloved hands resting on the small of her back, bringing her closer to who she later learned to be her mother.
It was easy to remember the first memory, she later testified, just as how it was always easy to remember a first friend, a first pet, or a first love. On the other hand, the next succession of months up to when her vision later cleared up seemed like just one murky, prolonged daydream —and she decides that it is undeserving of being called her second memory, so it isn't.
Her second memory is vague, but she remembers it all the same, and it is when a toddler reaches deep into the confines of Yūhi's flowery crib and taps on her tiny, pudgy arm.
"Hi, Yū-chan," the girl chirps cheerfully, "I'm Chihiro, your big sister!"
Yūhi gapes at her from beyond the soft polka dot blankets she lies in, as the girl introduces herself quickly and without a stumble.
It is like standing beside a zoo exhibit, except she's on the other side of the glass —at the mercy of a larger, unknown being.
The girl named Chihiro stands, waiting for a garble or a smile from the infant, but Yūhi only wails in confusion, (because a nagging voice in the back of her head screams at her that she is an only child).
It is only after the flustered toddler runs out of the room, panicking and screaming for the rest of the family to come inside, that Yūhi discovers she in fact has three older siblings.
She cries even louder.
.
.
.
"I always hear these voices in my head, Dr. Shiba."
. . .
She is two when she blabs her first discernible word, witnessed specially by her eight-year-old brother.
Unlike Chihiro, who is her elder by four years, Shintarō is older than Yūhi by six, and he is the younger of two brothers.
"What is this, Yū-chan?" Her brother asks, his warm hands grasping the sleeves of Yūhi's pajamas so gently, as though he could shatter her with just the slightest force.
She ignores the stickiness of his fingers, because his favorite snack was jam, and she had not the heart to tell him to go and wash his hands.
He wouldn't have understood her string of babbles anyhow.
Shintarō holds up a puppet, brushing it enthusiastically against Yūhi's cheek as he encourages his little sister to answer, letting out a soft, comedic bark. "Ruff, ruff!"
Yūhi opens her mouth hesitantly, the movements of her tongue seemingly foreign as he gestures for her to continue, "... dog."
She watches as her brother's face contorts into an indescribable expression, one of turmoil and foreboding apprehension.
"Daw… ugh?" Shintarō, confused, brings the puppet's dancing to a stop. "Where did you learn English? We're Japanese! This is inu, Yū-chan. Can you say inu?"
Yūhi lets out a gargled cackle. "No!" She grabs at the puppet with her small hands and throws it at her brother's nose.
"Oh no. She's at that stubborn age. I better tell Mama." The boy mutters to himself, catching the toy as it slides down his face and into his lap. He got up from his seat so quickly that he nearly falls over Yūhi's nearby crib, making a swift exit into the next room where their mother lies resting.
Yūhi stares at the open door, waiting for her brother's return.
Her family later tries to pretend that 'dog' had been her first word, but Yūhi knows better.
Everyone knew that her first word had been 'no', and that in itself should have been a precursor for trouble.
.
.
.
"I'm sure it's just an aftermath of the operation, Yūhi."
. . .
"Do I have to be a ghoul investigator?"
Yūhi asks the big question suddenly and in the middle of a family dinner, lowering her spoon of soup from her mouth to speak loudly as she splashes around her mother's homemade soup. Chihiro, without missing a beat, wipes diligently at the soup stain on the cotton tablecloth.
Her father is the first to break the ensuing silence, coughing violently as he pounds on his struggling windpipe. Her mother, who sits on the other side of him, pats his back dispassionately, as if choking on a baby back rib were a normal occurrence for family dinner time.
After he recovers from his earlier ordeal, he gruffly readdresses his youngest daughter. "There's this rookie that my colleague works with —the kid has no arms. And he still wants to be a ghoul investigator. What excuse do you have?"
Hideki, who is the eldest and fourteen at the time, speaks up. "What does having no arms got to do with anything?" He turns to look at the rest of his younger siblings, and Chihiro shrugs. As children coming from a long line of renowned ghoul investigators, the older two are already well-involved in the CCG academy's training curriculum.
"Everything," Her father's authoritative voice booms across the table. "Yūhi, you're entering the academy next year, and that is final. Any words, Akane?" He looks at his wife for affirmation, and his question sounds more like a statement than anything else.
"You know," her mother hums in amusement as she eyes her husband, "Kasuka and Kureo just moved in next door." (Yūhi flinches, as though two names she had never heard in her entire life bear a sudden heaviness within her chest, threatening to throttle her in its course. The bowl of soup in front of her begins to look like a taunting, singular eye, and Yūhi pushes it away from herself uncomfortably.)
Yūhi's mother continues, a pleased pair of hands resting above her lap. "I know they have a daughter around Yū-chan's age who is planning on enrolling in the CCG academy as well." Yūhi already sees the gears running in her maternal figure's head, schemes and plans running amok. The five-year-old groans.
"Oh!" Chihiro pitches in, suddenly excited. "We could set up a playdate for them! Maybe Yū-chan can take this chance to figure out if being a boring, normal civilian is really what she wants."
"Thanks, sis," Yūhi looks at her disdainfully. For a nine-year-old, Chihiro tended to be really pushy.
"What?!" Her older sister bellows. "It's true! Being a normie is Boooring with a capital B."
Hideki, who sits smirking in the seat across from the two, snarkily remarks, "Do you even know how to spell 'boring', idiot Chihiro?"
"Ask that again, you butt! I dare you!"
The two begin to fight, and everyone else at the table grows quiet and disinterested, for arguments between the arrogant Hideki and the happy-go-lucky Chihiro were normal occurrence –normal occurrence like their dad choking on a baby back rib or their mother cooking foul-smelling French onion soup.
As it turned out, Yūhi's mother had never exactly shot down Chihiro's idea of setting up a play date between her youngest child and the next-door-neighbor's daughter, and the next week, the five-year-old dismally finds herself in front of a shy, hesitant new playmate.
The two mothers quickly exchange conversation and take it to themselves to have their own outing in the shopping district's monthly flea market. Meanwhile, Chihiro, whose strict schooling was currently on summer break, is left to watch the children on her own.
"Are you nervous about starting the academy next year?" Yūhi asks curiously, as the two play together under the blazing sun in the Ikehara household's backyard.
The other girl, who had been silent, moves her attention away from the careful braid she had made in Yūhi's dark, burgundy hair. "A little," she admits softly, looking off to the side in embarrassment, "but I really do want to make my parents proud."
"Yeah?" The brunette folds her arms, startling the blonde kneeling beside her. "Well, don't be! You know, there's a guy with no arms, running around and being an investigator! And you have, like, both of your arms."
Akira, as Yūhi later learned her name to be, looks bewildered. "How does he use a quinque without hands?"
"Dunno, but he manages," Yūhi shrugs. "Or so my dad says. I'm sure he's somewhere out on the streets, kicking total ghoul ass."
The blonde toddler gasps, prying her hands off Yūhi's hair faster than lightning. "You said a no-no word!"
Yūhi jumps to cover the girl's mouth, papping her as she turns back to watch her older sister, who is leaning against the side of the fence in a daydream. The last thing she needs is another hour-long lecture from Chihiro, whose main hobby is being a complete stick-in-the-mud.
Even as Akira yells a muffled "mh avin ah pami ah ack," Yūhi keeps her chubby hand against the girl's face.
That day, she learns the meaning of several new grown-up words: 'panic attack', 'endangerment to others', and 'banned from ever speaking to my daughter Akira again'.
.
.
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"No, you don't understand, Dr. Shiba. It's been like this since I was born, but the voices just keep getting worse."
. . .
The next time the two meet, it is the day after the One-Eyed Owl has attacked in 24th. They are 11, and it is noon break at the CCG academy. Yūhi sits on the lawn by the East Building, her lunch waiting quietly in her lap —a handful of rice sandwiched between two white wheat slices, and the only meal she could come up with for the first lunch made without her mother's touch.
No words are exchanged at first when Akira plops onto the ground beside her, and she has brought her own horribly-made boxed lunch. Akira's hair is no longer in its usual neat fold, and instead, baby hairs peek out from her messy bun at the back of her neck, like grasses of wheat drinking in the warm, enveloping sun. Together, they watch the blades of green roll mournfully in the wind.
"That looks terrible," the blonde girl finally tells her, gesturing to the unwrapped sandwich in Yūhi's hands.
Yūhi falls back onto the lawn, all the while keeping her eyes on the girl resting tiredly beside her. "Your hair looks like a sandstorm." Yūhi swears that she sees a hint of the faintest smile on the other girl's round, flushed face, and she almost smiles, too.
"My dad did it for me this morning," she says, but Yūhi doesn't need to hear it to understand.
.
.
.
"I think I'm going insane."
. . .
"Congratulations on finally graduating, Yū."
Yūhi looks over at the open doorway, glancing curiously at her older sister from her seat on the bed. Chihiro's hair has grown from the curt bob it had been years ago, and her sister's flowing tresses are now groomed into a neatly braided pleat. It frames the oval face of a seasoned ghoul investigator —one who has run through hell and back.
"Thank you," Yūhi replies, hasty fingers buttoning up her dark blouse as she tries desperately to smooth her crinkled and worn uniform. After a few minutes of watching her sister's pathetic attempts to clean up, Chihiro makes her way over and promptly pats down the younger girl's mousy hair.
"You're the last of us four to graduate —and our parents' final legacy, Yūhi," Chihiro reminds her.
"Don't make them curse us from the grave."
Author's note: I wanted to try my hand at a self-insert fic where reincarnation doesn't explicitly guide the character on what to do in the Tokyo Ghoul universe. I also kind of wanted to explore the role of CCG investigators and their social importance, if that makes sense… which is kind of why the fic takes place in Tokyo Ghoul:re and not in the original manga?!
There'll be a time skip between this prologue and the next chapter, and the next chapter should take place right after chapter 11 of tkg:re, so it'll be pretty much kind of semi-AU… since I'm just adding my own extra storylines in-between canon plots and all.
Anyway, thank you for reading! :)
