Let's Make Hell For a Dark Lord!
======================

The announcer clears his throat.

"Aaaaaand now, it's tiiiime to pllaaaaaay..."

The audience rises to their feet.

"LET'S MAKE HELL FOR A DARK LORD!"

"Thaaaat's right! And now, meet our host,
Haaaaarry Potttttttter!"

Harry walks on, the audience claps seriously
like in Oprah. Harry begins to speak.

"Getting to the top. Being at the top. Staying at the top.
Is it worth the climb? Is climbing worth it? Does it take
*special* shoes? Find out today- on-"

"LET'S MAKE HELL FOR A DARK LORD!"

The announcer talks again.

"Let's Make Hell For a Dark Lord, today featuring Voldemort
and the world- the *whole* scummy story. The story that
perspiring minds want to know. Now, back to your host."

Voldemort enters, scattered clapping. Harry puts on a
concerned expression.

"Voldemort- may I call you Voldemort?"

Several gasps from the audience.

"That *is* my name."

"So I'm told. But we'll leave that question for later."

"What question?"

Harry ignores him.

"You've been at the top a long time, scratching and clawing
your nasty way up there. Would you call that a fair statement?"

Voldemort looks proud.

"Yes."

"Let's take a look at a film clip from your youth."

***
Dumbledore pulls Tom aside after class.

"I must say Tom, I've never seen such fine work from a third
year."

"Thank you, Professor Dumbledore."

"Well, your class has a break now. Why don't you go out and
talk to your friends?"

"I'll just stay inside and do some work."

"You need to do something besides study. Other things are
important too."

"I'll just take some of my papers with me..."

"Whatever you think, Tom."
***

"And here's another scene."

***

"It was Hagrid, sir. I'm sure of it."

"If you're sure of this..."

***

"And isn't it so easy to betray someone's trust? Hagrid
wasn't the heir of Slytherin, *you* were. He thought you
were his friend. Do you know what that means, audience?"

The audience stands up again.

"SING ALONG TIME!"

*evil Britney Spears music begins to play*

Harry grins.

"And one of our trained professionals will be in charge
of Voldemort's actions."

"IMPERIO!"

Voldemort begins to sing and dance. Harry does his
part by providing the revealing costume.

"Oh baby baby..."

The announcer smiles and talks again.

"Join us next time on..."

"LET'S MAKE HELL FOR A DARK LORD!"

Wild applause.