Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, etc.

Warnings: Spoilers for past events referred to in PoA, OotP, and HBP (I think… -not too sure about the last one).

Mild language.

Note that the sub-genre is romance. Notice that the main characters are males. Read the summary. Put two and two together (I have every confidence that you can).

When two people fall in love gradually over the course of many years, there are three steps that must be taken before anything can become of it.

Step One: Both parties involved must realise their true feelings.

Step Two: Each party involved must embrace their true feelings.

Step Three: The parties involved must express their true feelings.

Step One:

Sirius and Remus were always close. They had been the best of friends since their first year at Hogwarts, along with James and Peter.

James and Sirius were the ringleaders of their little group. They were inseparable, thick as thieves, and were often mistaken for brothers due to the way they acted and thought alike. James was athletic, self confident, and forward. Sirius was charming, self-assured, and stubborn. Peter, who was nowhere near their league, admired them, followed them, and practically worshiped them. He was always good for a laugh, and a constant boost for the inseparable pair's egos, not that they needed it. Remus on the other hand, could match their wit, strength, and power, even their charm if he wanted to. However, he always preferred to keep a low profile, had no ego to speak of, and did not find the embarrassment or suffering of others to be the least bit amusing.

Therefore, Remus was the perfect ballast for Sirius. He was also the one that arrogant, pig-headed, short-tempered Sirius would go to when he needed to talk about something sincere, or to seek comfort from when he was feeling low. James would tease Sirius if he approached him at these times, and Peter would be too shocked that one of his heroes was not as perfect as they appeared, to be of any use. Remus was sympathetic, courteous, and understanding. He did not judge, assume, or idolise.

Likewise, Sirius was the person whom Remus felt the most secure in turning to when the burdens he was forced to carry simply became too much, when he could not be calm, mild, polite Remus Lupin for a while. When he needed to lower the carefully constructed walls that kept others from learning what he truly was, and could not hide his weaknesses anymore. No human could understand what it meant to be a monster. Still, Sirius could comprehend (with little stretch of the imagination) what it meant to loathe your very being for something that you had no control over, yet felt shamed and disgusted by everyday; to fear that something dark had tainted you and to know that you could never escape it.

So, if Sirius and Remus at times seemed closer then two friends normally would, if they behaved in ways that two male best friends normally do not, why should they, or their friends, find it particularly odd?

In addition, if, during the full moons, the wolf seemed more focused on Padfoot then the others, why should they think anything of it? After all, Padfoot is an exceptionally large, bear-like dog, who can pin the wolf down as well as any of its own kind could; and is therefore, much more likely to be considered a companion then a stag and a rat, whom by rights would be looked upon as prey instead of pack mates, were it a normal wolf.

Taking all of this (as well as their youth, and the times and world they lived in) into consideration, it really made perfect sense that they would not notice the emotions they had developed for each other. In fact, it would probably take a very significant and probably life-altering incident to make them aware of these emotions.

Such an incident presented itself in their sixth year at Hogwarts, when Sirius decided to play a rather ill-conspired trick on one Severus Snape.

Some weeks later finds Sirius storming through the school, because Remus, who has seemingly retreated into himself and who has barely spoken since the incident, has disappeared again, and skipped yet another meal that he could barely afford to miss. Remus may not look his friends in the eyes anymore, laugh at their jokes, or join in their conversations, but he is still their friend. Moreover, it is all Sirius' fault that the boy has become so introverted, and he is worried sick about the lycanthrope.

Sirius sees a familiar form moving across the hall ahead of him, but not the one he is searching for at present. This one is taller, larger, and stronger in appearance, with dark messy hair and hazel bespectacled eyes. James has not been the same since that night either. It is as if he caught up in years of maturity the moment he realised the danger a 'simple trick' could cause. He has also been furious at Sirius, but right now, Sirius is not concerned with that; James will come around, he will be all right, and they will be all right. Remus on the other hand… he is not so sure about…

"James!" Sirius breaks into a run to catch up with his best friend as he calls out.

James stops and turns in Sirius' direction, but he does not head towards him with a grin as he would have mere weeks ago. Instead, he simply waits for the other boy to reach him. "What do you want?" James does not say this cruelly, but the mere lack of pleasantry is enough of a grim reminder that this situation is all Sirius' fault.

By this time, Sirius has caught up to him, and Peter has approached from the same direction that James came from, having clearly been following the other boy.

"Have either of you seen Remus since last period?" Sirius asks, and the mere fact that he goes straight to the point is a sign of how different things are between them all… how different they all are.

"Why are you looking for him?" asks Peter, in a clearly irritated tone.

Sirius shoots him a glare before answering. "He missed dinner, in case you didn't notice, and he's not in our dorm, the common room, or the library."

"He missed breakfast, too," responds James wearily. "I found him out by the lake after dinner. He said he's just not very hungry today, and that he's fine, but he'd rather be alone for a little while."

"He's been alone for far more then a bloody while." Sirius sighs in irritation. "It's been nearly two months. He can't keep skipping meals like this, and going off on his own, why can't he just yell at me, or hit me, anything would better then this."

"Because that's not Remus," answers James. "He's not the explosive type, he's the implosive type."

"James is right," Sirius glares at Peter again, wondering why they ever found the dumpy boy's hero worship to be amusing. This did not stop Peter from continuing, however. "Remus doesn't yell, or hit, or even get angry, really. He just gets all quiet and introspective."

"I know how Remus is, thank you very much." Sirius retorts bitterly. "I just… I don't know how to handle this. If he were angry, I would know what to do. Hell, if he broke down and cried, then I could at least figure something out, but this…? How do I fix this?"

"You should have thought of that before you pulled that stunt two months ago, then." James' voice was low and hostel. "You should have thought, period. Do you know what they could do to him if anyone found out? I know that you know what it would have done to him if things had gone worse. If he had bitten Snape, or killed him, there would be no Remus to worry about right now."

"I know, I know, I wasn't thinking. I know it would have devastated Remus if he had hurt Snape or worse…" Sirius says bitterly, and then adds in a quiet, disgusted tone, "and I know better then either of you what the Ministry, or the pure bloods, or the Slytherins -hell, any of the other students-, would do to him if word got out."

Sirius has spent a lot of time thinking about the possible repercussions to his actions since the incident took place. His heart clenches at the thought of his friend in a cage like an animal, or worse, put down as a beast not fit to live, because he simply did not think before acting; a trait that Remus has long warned him would lead to trouble. Even if by some miracle Dumbledore was able to prevent this, his friend would have to face ostracism and the possibly of being killed by the rest of wizarding society. Moreover, if Remus had bitten or otherwise seriously injured Snape, they would not have to; Remus very well might have ended the matter himself in the most permanent of ways.

"Or what he might have done to himself it had gone worse," Sirius says in barely a whisper. He could scarcely imagine his life without Remus Lupin in it. Let alone to know that he was the reason why his innocent friend was taken from him.

"And yet, you wonder why he's not speaking to you…" Peter says sarcastically, which Sirius finds slightly comforting… at least it is a start towards normality.

"He's not just avoiding speaking to me; he's not speaking to, or even looking at, anyone!" Sirius fumes, though who or what he is angry at, he could not say.

"Well, instead of wallowing in guilt and self pity, why don't you go and handle this." James held up a hand before Sirius could argue the statement. "Don't try to convince him that you didn't do anything terrible, or that Snape deserved it, or that he should forgive you, like you have since it happened. Just try to figure out what's wrong with him and then fix that. The rest will work out later."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Sirius admits softly. He refuses to acknowledge how close to whining his voice sounds. "I don't know what's wrong, other then it obviously has to do with what I did that night. What if I make it worse? What if I hurt him more? I want him to forgive me, but I want him to be okay even more."

Something in James' face softened as he released a heavy sigh. "Why don't you say that to him? Remus has always been reasonable, and as honest as his condition will allow; he'll probably talk it out with you if you just give him a reason to."

Peter crossed his arms and looked at Sirius. "What is the worst that could happen? Like you said, he's already as introverted as he could get, short of the folks in the spell damage ward at St. Mungo's. You also said you would rather he yell at you; hit you, or just cry. What else do you think is going to happen?"

James ran a hand through his hair, making it even more unruly then before. "Look, I've got Quidditch practice, Peter has detention, and Remus has been alone out there for long enough. Do you what you want, but at least try to get him to come inside."

After a pointed look from James and a small wave from Peter, the two left Sirius alone in the corridor. After a moment, Sirius decides that his friends are correct. Right now, the important thing is to make certain that Remus will be all right. He stops by the kitchens to gets some scones and cocoa from the eager to please house elves before heading out to the grounds.

It does not take long for his feet to lead him to a path that he can spot Remus from. The slight boy is sitting under a tree beside the lake, nearer to the dark forest then most students are comfortable with remaining. He is somewhat huddled around himself, and is leaning over one of the old tomes that he enjoys poring over. The other students have already headed inside the castle, no one seeming to notice the lone figure they were leaving alone on the quickly cooling grounds. Sometimes Sirius wonders if it just their closeness that makes it easy for him to find his modest friend, or if others would notice the unobtrusive boy as well if he did not try so hard to remain unseen.

Remus can hear better then most people, the other marauders have long wondered if this was a werewolf trait or a Remus trait. However, Remus does not look up to see who is approaching him as most anybody else would. That is another skill his friends have often debated the origins of; Remus always seems to be able to tell when one of the other marauders is near. What they have failed to notice is that this ability seems slightly more attuned to Sirius then the others.

Sirius seats himself beside his friend, closer then James or Peter would, but not as close as he would have a few weeks before. Without preamble, he sets down the mugs of cocoa and the bag of scones. "It's getting bloody chilly out here mate," Sirius says, but not in the light tones he would normally have used to make such a statement. "I brought some of those cranberry orange scones you like," he says as he takes one out of the bag and holds it out in front of his silent companion. "You can't just nibble at lunchtime and not eat for the rest of the day. You'll get sick. The last couple moons have taken enough out of you and the next one is getting close."

Remus folds something he had been writing before the interruption, tucks it into the book, and takes the proffered scone with a murmured 'thank you', but he does not look at his friend or attempt any further conversation.

"Moony," Sirius begins without knowing where he intends this conversation to lead. However, this time Remus turns his bowed head and slowly raises his eyes to meet the grey ones that are demanding him to listen.

Most people consider Remus to be a closed book. He is always mild and well mannered. He does not wear his emotions out for anyone to read them and it is usually impossible to tell what he is thinking. Sirius however, has always been able to tell if the werewolf was calm, sad, happy, nervous, afraid, or feeling particularly mischievous, by looking into his eyes. He used to consider the warm orbs as his own private window into his friend's psyche. Now the curtains behind those windows are drawn closed tightly, and that fact hurts Sirius more then any look or glare ever could.

It did however give him a direction. "Moony, I know I messed up, and I know I can't expect you to just forgive me, but you can't just close yourself off like this. No one else is going to find out while we're here. I don't know if it means anything to you, but I swear that I will never do anything like this again, you have to know that James and Peter won't, and Dumbledore won't let Snape tell."

"Do you really think that matters anymore?" Remus' voice is so soft that Sirius almost misses the question.

"What? Of course it matters." Sirius realises that this may be his only chance to find out what is truly bothering his friend and so he quickly adds, "Why wouldn't it matter anymore?"

The other boy's eyes drop back down to the ground in front of him, although he clearly is not seeing it. "Why should it matter if they know that I'm a monster or not, when the fact remains that I am?" Remus answers, his voice just as quiet as before.

"Moony, no… don't say that; you're not a monster." Sirius states firmly as he reaches out to place an equally firm hand on his friend's slender arm. "You're the best of any of us. You're kind and patient; you put just as much effort and care into your schoolwork and prefect responsibilities as you do marauder-ing and playing. You're always so careful in what you do and say, so that you don't hurt or offend anyone. You actually listen to what people say to you, and you try to understand everyone, even people who would just as soon see you put down, like Snape or that awful woman from the Ministry. You're more humane then any of those gits who claim you're less then human."

Sirius places his other hand under Remus' chin and raises his friend's face to look into it. There are two new scars, which run parallel to each other across the lycanthrope's kind, pale face. One begins over his left eye and crosses diagonally over the bridge of his nose and across his right cheek. The other begins above his left cheekbone and passes over his mouth to end on the right side of his chin. Remus once told Sirius, when the grey-eyed boy caught sight of his sensitive friend's scarred torso by accident one day, that he was just glad the wolf had yet to leave any obvious scars that he could not hide. Sirius knows that the evident claw marks on his friend's face will forever cause his already low self-image to plummet even further, and for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with vanity.

Sirius also realises with a new pang of regret, just how fortunate his friend had been that he did not lose his left eye, or at least the ability to see with it; and that the injury blessedly and narrowly avoided mangling his mouth as well, allowing him to speak just as clearly as he had before. The wolf generally avoided mutilating its face in the past, and a couple days after the incident at the willow, Sirius heard James sand Peter discussing whether the change that night was due to the presence of human scent, or the lack of the wolf's pack mates.

Sirius is of the opinion that, despite the scars and the wan features caused by his monthly ordeals, Remus is one of the loveliest creatures on this earth. Of course, he has never said this to anyone… that could lead to uncomfortable assumptions.

However, now Sirius' attention is on Remus' eyes, which have finally ventured to meet his own. Sirius almost wishes that he had not, because the curtains have been pushed aside to reveal the barest glimpse of what's inside… and it hurts just to see that much.

Pain, fear, sorrow, disappointment, and self disgust, such as Sirius has never imagined, are all there; blending and twisting in a kaleidoscope of torment where a pool of serenity and gentleness normally exists.

Several things occur to Sirius just now. That, even if Snape deserves any fright he may have received in that passageway, it was certainly not worth the price that Sirius had made Remus pay for it. That Remus was no longer keeping Sirius out, which meant that he had already forgiven his rash friend for his cruel and foolish trick, and that his current isolation had nothing to do with anger towards Sirius. Sirius also realises for the first time that he does not consider Remus the same as James or Peter, as he would and could not lose himself staring into either of their eyes. Nor would the sudden notice of such a close proximity and intimate position cause his insides to quiver or his heart to speed up if it were either of the other marauders.

Sirius manages to pull his mind, which has always favoured meandering, back to focus on the reality of the moment when Remus hesitantly places one of his pale, small, and scarred hands over Sirius' own larger, tanner, and flawless one that is still on his scarred but gentle face. "If it makes you feel any better," Remus begins in a voice that has been too hoarse for months, as if it is not accustomed to use. Both boys have privately wondered if the hoarseness in his soft voice was going to be permanent. "You would be the only one to make me believe that I'm not a monster, had it been anyone else who proved the fact."

Sirius almost turns his head to check the lake, because surly the giant squid, or James, or some Slytherin or another, has doused him with its icy water. He does not however, because somewhere in his mind (or maybe it is his heart, since that is where the feeling began) he knows that the sudden numbness he feels is the result of his dear friend's words.

"It's not a fact, Moony." Sirius prevents the other boy from turning his face away again by silently refusing to release his hold on said face. Remus' own hand had fallen away sometime during Sirius' musings. "No, Remus, look at me. You are not a monster; there is nothing to prove. Why would you say such a thing? How could you even think that…?"

"Padfoot…" Remus wants to shake his head, but cannot to due the fact that Sirius is still holding him. He settles with a defeated sigh and squeezes his eyes closed for a second before attempting to explain the obvious to the oblivious. "I would rather die then inflict this curse on someone else, you know that. I cannot stand the thought of causing someone else to suffer like this. I would never willing harm anyone if I could prevent it, and I certainly never want to kill anyone."

"I know that, Remus," Sirius assures his friend as he rubs the arm he has been holding too tightly in a comforting manner. "You haven't harmed anyone."

"But I would have," Remus says in such a pained tone that Sirius instantly decides he would rather die then hear it pass from the vulnerable boy's lips again. "Don't you see? I would have harmed Snape. Iwould never forgive myself for it, but that would not undo the damage I would have inflicted. I could have bitten him or James. I would have… and I would not even know what I had done until the following day! It would not have mattered to the wolf that James and Snape are innocent schoolchildren. I could have k-killed them. I would have done that. We keep referring to the wolf as if it's a separate being, just because I can't control it, but that only makes it worse. It is a part of me, and I hate it! It's disgusting and horrid, but it's still me! I am a monster."

Remus is looking at Sirius again, and now, along with everything else Sirius can see in those warm, tortured eyes, Sirius can see that his friend is pleading with him to understand something, only he isn't sure what he's supposed to understand… or do about it. Therefore, Sirius does the only thing he can do, he pulls Remus close and holds him tightly. He is so focused on the svelte boy, whom he is certain is crying silently now, that he can not and does not spare a thought that he would not have this reaction if it were anyone other then Remus.

"I'm so sorry, Moony. I only meant to teach Snape a lesson," Sirius says remorsefully as the thought drifts through his mind.

"I'm sure you did," Remus replies weakly, and Sirius can feel the lycanthrope's shaky breaths against his clavicle, "and the rest of us as well."

That much is true; all of the marauders seem to have learned a great deal from Sirius' folly. He only wished that Remus did not have such a price to pay for those lessons.

Sirius felt more then he heard the next word to fall from Remus' mouth, "Why…?"

"The creep deserved it," Sirius sneers and is thankful that Remus is not in a potion to see it. "Always trying to find out where you go every month, and trying to get us in trouble all the time. I just never thought about the consequences to you… I never would do anything that I know would hurt you, Moony. You…" Sirius stops when he becomes aware that the movement against his chest is Remus shaking his head.

"No, I understand of all that." Sirius wonders if the Remus is aware of how much it means to him that he says this so offhandedly, as if it was never questionable at all. "I meant why did it have to be you? If it were James or Peter, I would believe you now."

"Why?" Sirius asks, although something warm is swelling in his chest and he is not sure why these words cause such a reaction. "Why does it mean more coming from me?"

"I don't think you're going to like hearing this," Remus says meekly as he nervously fidgets with the clasp of Sirius' robe.

"I want to hear it anyway," answers Sirius firmly. He is determined to fix this, and the only way to do that is to understand.

"I… heard of your family before coming to Hogwarts… from my father," Remus admits quietly, and Sirius knows that his poor, half blood, half-breed friend could not have heard anything good given the circumstances. "I was terrified of how you might react when you found out what I am. Not because I thought you were like them," Remus hastens to add. "But… you were raised by them; I know you couldn't have heard anything remotely fair about creatures like me. It would have been completely understandable for you to form a lynch mob and try to have me thrown out of school…or worse."

Sirius subconsciously tightens his hold at the mental image. He realises that he could have been the cause of such a reaction, if Dumbledore had not prevented it. As if sensing his friend's thoughts, Remus responds to the protective embrace with his own comforting one. "But you didn't. You were wonderful, you've made my time here bearable… more then that. My time here with you has been the best of my life. Did you know that you were the first person to hug me after I received the bite?"

"What!? But… But you were only five when you were bitten!" Sirius is seething now. He loosens his hold on Remus, and the other boy pulls away enough to look at him. "How could your parents not hug you during all that you've had to go through?!"

"It's alright Sirius." Remus says mildly. "You know how my father feels about werewolves, and my mother is a Muggle; most would have expected them to put me down or leave me in the woods. They've done better for me then I have any right to expect and I love them, but you…" Remus shakes his head slowly. "You honestly don't care… you never have."

Sirius' eyes widen as he again tightens his hold on his friend, whom he vaguely realised he should not be man handling this way, but he is too concerned with what has just been said to worry about that now. "Moony! How can you think that? Of course, I care! Who yelled at James for watching you like some sort of DADA specimen after we found out? Who do you think it was that first brought up the crazy notion of becoming Animagi? How-"

Remus places his hands against Sirius chest and regards him with a shocked and ashamed expression. "Padfoot, no! I know, I know; that isn't what I meant at all. I'm sorry, I should have chosen my words more carefully. I meant that you've never been bothered by me being a werewolf other then the pain it causes me. You have never treated me as if I was something abnormal… until recently. It's meant the world to me. You've made me feel almost… human."

"You are human!" Sirius fights the urge to shake his friend.

"You wouldn't have used a human like that, Sirius." Remus murmurs sadly. "You wouldn't have thought to exploit James or Peter."

"That's just it, Remus, I wasn't thinking! If I had been, I never would have done it." Now it is Sirius' eyes that are pleading for his friend to understand. Not only that he never meant to hurt or use him, but also that he is not the monster he believes himself to be. "What I did does not make you a monster Remus. Please…" Sirius never begs, his breeding insist that he never demeans himself so, but for Remus, he will beg. Now he is realising that he does feel very differently toward the boy before him then he does toward James, whom he loves as a brother, Peter, whom he loves as a friend, or Regulus, whom he loves more out of requirement then fondness. However, now is not the time to worry about what that leaves, because he knows it will take a long time to remove the hurt from Remus' eyes… if that ever can be accomplished. However, right now he has to try to remove the new level of self-depreciation… before it becomes a permanent part of his wonderful friend.

"You didn't make me a monster, Sirius. You didn't make anyone believe that I am, not even me." Remus answers wearily. "Greyback made me a monster, years before I even met you. He is also one of the beasts that made people believe us to be just that. What I become every month is what makes me believe it. What you did only proves that they are right to call me a monster. It's not your fault, it would have happened eventually, only…"

"Only if it had happened differently, I could have made it better," Sirius finished for his friend, who nods and whose expression is an odd mix of anguish and relief.

The light is fading quickly now, and it has gotten far too cold to be out on the grounds. Sirius realises that Remus is not sufficiently dressed for the cold either, probably due to his haste to leave the school population and his lack of concern for his own welfare. Sirius pulls Remus up with him as he stands, and then he removes his own winter cloak and pulls it around the other boy's slight shoulders. This time he certainly realises that he would not do this if it were James or Peter.

Because he does not love James or Peter, not in the way that he loves Remus.

He does not, however, realise that Remus would not have reacted the way that he did to anything Sirius has said and done if it were anyone other then Sirius.

Because Remus does not love anyone the way he loves Sirius.

That is why it hurt so much that Sirius was the one to betray him. That is why Sirius is the only one who could ever make it right. That is why he admitted all of the things that he has to Sirius. That is why he is now allowing himself to be led back to the castle, with Sirius' cloak and arm wrapped around his thin shoulders.

Sirius has always been stubborn and self-assured. Remus has always been patient and passive. Therefore, it comes as little surprise that Sirius determinedly tries to make Remus all right over the next several months. Nor is it shocking that Remus begins to respond to Sirius' efforts.

Remus will always think of himself as a monster, but that does not mean he cannot learn to live with it.

Sirius will never think of Remus as anything less then human, but that does not mean that he cannot accept his lycanthropy as a part of him.

Remus will always love Sirius. He realises this, he just cannot embrace those feelings, for befriending a monster and falling in love with one are two very different conditions.

Sirius will never stop loving Remus. He realises this, he just cannot embrace those feelings because hurting a friend and hurting a lover are two completely different circumstances.

Step one completed…