Have you ever gone to any particular category on this site, and used the filter function to isolate everything under the Humour/Parody genres? I recently decided to try that for Kingdom Hearts, and found that, of over 73,000 stories for the franchise, fewer than 1,000 matched that combination. I concluded that there were two possible reasons for this, then immediately lost my train of thought and forgot the first one.
The second conclusion I reached, is that the Kingdom Hearts fanbase takes the franchise very seriously. If that is the case, then posting this is probably a truly awful idea, and will result in me getting figuratively eaten alive, so it will, at least, make for an interesting experiment.
Despite what the title implies, this won't be entirely about the universe trying its best to kill Sora.
I don't own Kingdom Hearts.
Rated T for censored language, and that "Square Softcore Bondage" joke that you can probably see from here.
Dark clouds gather against a black background, and in the middle of them, a logo appears:
Disney Interactive
Just in case you forgot who made this.
It disappears shortly after, then another takes its place:
Square Softcore Bondage
ALL the belts and zippers.
That disappears too, and is replaced by:
KINGDOM HEARTS
Because apparently, the beta testers forgot what they were playing 15 seconds in.
The screen zooms into middle, and the words and clouds fade to black.
Some Sort of Infinite Abyss, Possibly the Internet
Black fades into a closeup of someone's eye. As it begins zooming out, we see brown hair. …That's it? Really? Just brown? No abnormal hair color? No color gradients? No neon streaks? Are we sure that he's the protagonist? Anyway, this is Sora, because I'm not going to spend the entire time calling him "brown-haired kid".
His eyes drift open, then closed again, and he's lying on his back, floating. Text appears on screen, presumably transcribing his thoughts,
"Where am I," he thinks,
"Maybe eating the mushrooms inside that cave wasn't such a good idea,"
Some odd clicking and swishing begins starting up in the background, and now he's floating in what is probably water, but you can never be too sure. He starts to fall headfirst, and veers to the side, then back to the middle. He's so intoxicated that he can't even fall in a straight line.
Just before he runs headfirst into the camera, he opens his eyes, and suddenly he's on a beach.
"Whoa. How did I get here?" Sora thinks to himself.
From where he stands, he looks out to the water to see a white-haired teenager standing knee-deep in said water, looking out at the horizon. He probably cast Meteor earlier, and now he's waiting for it to start. He wouldn't be the first white-haired person to do that.
Right before Sora steps into the water, it all pulls away. After the water gets about three feet away from him, a disembodied voice begins singing.
Two minutes in, and a song starts; this is definitely a Disney production.
The water gathers into a tidal wave that approaches, heedless of the white-haired kid standing in the way, and white-hair doesn't seem to care about the incoming danger.
"Why aren't you running away, Riku? There's a giant tidal wave coming directly toward you!" Sora thought.
The now named Riku tilts his head slightly toward Sora, then turns around, placing his back to the incoming wave.
You're giving mead,
Too many thinks, lately,
With his back to the oncoming wave, Riku stretches his hand out to Sora, who runs toward him.
"Wait?! Why am I running toward him? I don't want to do this! That thing is taller than both of us put together!" Sora thought, frantically, but apparently he had no control over his body right then.
You're all I need,
You smiled at meat,
NSAID*,
The wave crashes down, and sweeps Sora back, preventing him from reaching, Riku, who is floating leisurely, apparently not worried about drowning. Riku continues holding his hand outstretched.
Don't let Big Mona love you,
But does that mean I have to beat,
Your father?
Sora begins swimming toward Riku, but the water begins pushing him back again.
"How is this possible?" Sora asked himself, "The water just used all of its momentum on that tidal wave. None of this makes any sense!"
The momentum that the water generated from nowhere finally overtakes Sora, and he loses his balance. The water pulls him away from Riku, and backward through itself until he breaks through the surface. Also, it's now evening, somehow.
When we are older you'll under Stan,
What I'm in, when I said "nose",
I doled thing life is quite that symbol,
On the shore, which is farther away from him than it was when he went under, despite the water pushing him toward the shore, even in defiance of physics, is another brown-haired person, this one female. She's calling to him, but he can't hear over the music in the background,
"I can't hear you, Kairi," Sora says, "the music is too loud." And now she's introduced, as well.
He begins walking toward her, and when he arrives she laughs at something we couldn't hear because of the music.
When you wok a whey,
You don't hear meat say,
Please, old baby,
Don't go,
Symbol and cleat is the way that you're making me feel, denied,
It's hard to let Ed go,
Then she stops laughing, and looks up, with Sora following suit. In the sky, they see bluish things, presumably rocks, falling diagonally toward the ground. Called it!
Amidst the meteors falling diagonally, is a person falling vertically, and periodically getting pelted by meteors. Don't fall from the sky in a meteor shower, kids; it's not safe.
Whole meat, whatever lies beyond this mourning,
Is a little late, her old,
Regardless of warnings, the few jerk doesn't scare me at all,
Nothing's like bee fort,
Sora looks closer at the falling person, and realises that it's him. Look at the ground Sora, now look at the sky Sora, now back at the ground Sora, now back at the sky Sora. Suddenly ground Sora is in the sky and falling. Also he's still getting pelted by meteors.
"What did I do to deserve this?!" he asks, but no one can hear his suffering over the music.
He slips underneath the ground that the girl is standing on, and she can see him through it, which is odd, considering that not five seconds go, it was sand.
Hold meat, whatever lies beyond this more knee,
Is a little later oh,
Regardless of warnings, the few germ does it scare me a doll?
Nothing's like bee fork
Still the Same Place, Maybe?
Sora continues falling downward, until he nears a cylindrical platform. The platform is just floating, suspended somehow, in the air…or water, whatever he's supposed to be floating in. Its surface is dark, until suddenly a series of explosions occurs in the distance, and the surface of the platform begins rising up, breaking apart, and flying away. Turns out there were pigeons all over the surface of the platform. They fly in synchronicity toward Sora, murder in their beady little eyes at being disturbed.
"Wait, no, please, it wasn't me!" Sora yells, but the pigeons don't care. Someone has to pay for disturbing their slumber.
His already meteor-battered body is subjected to full wrath of the devil birds, then they fly off, looking for someone else wholly undeserving of their unbridled fury. Those are the best kinds of victims, you see.
Gentle fall now gone, Sora sped headfirst toward the surface of the platform, now revealed to be what appears to be stained glass, adorned with a picture of a woman eating an apple. As he is about to land on the platform a loud, orange-haired girl comes careening in out of nowhere, and body checks him away from it. She continues flying off in another direction, propelled by periodic explosions, and can be heard speaking,
"Oops. I hope he wasn't too important."
Sora missed the platform, and continued falling until he looped back around to the top of wherever he is. This time he landed headfirst on the platform.
He got up, groaning, and looked around at the black… wait, where did all the blue go? As he wondered where he was, voices spoke, their words appearing in text because the entire budget went on that FMV, and no one could hire a voice actor for the mysterious voice. Since it's all text though, we can assume that there are multiple voices, since that's what most of the jokes were written for, and make them fight with each other.
"So much to do," one voice whispered.
"So little time," another said, softly.
"Take your time," whispered a third, the groaning of old wood can be heard, as though someone were rising from sitting on a piece of furniture, followed by the sound of footsteps on a hardwood floor.
"Don't be afraid," a fourth.
"Hoagies," whispered a fifth. Wait, what?
"That's just Jennifer's kid. She doesn't trust the daycare to keep him," one of the voices whispered
Oh. The voices resumed their whispered guidance.
"The door is still shut."
"Now, step forward. Can you-?"
"Hoagies."
"Jennifer! Come find your son something to do, so we can guide the Keyblade's chosen," one of the voices whisper-yelled. They conversed among themselves for a few minutes, then one spoke up, having apparently decided that the situation was no longer suited for mysterious whispers,
"Here, take this," the voice told what is assumed to be the kid. There is a rustling of paper. When no further hoagie comments come, Sora assumes that the matter is dealt with. One of the voices clears their disembodied throat, and resumes speaking,
"Now, step forward. Can you do it?"
Sora complies, walking to the middle of the platform then, from various positions on the outside of the platform, three pedestals rise. An item appears atop each one, all sharing a similar motif. Once all three platforms are present, and each has an item on them, the voices speak again,
"Power sleeps within you. If you give it form, it will give you hoagies. That's…not right. What happened to the… Jerry, did you give him the script?"
"Hoagies."
"What the h**l! We've been rehearsing this for six days. If something was going to go wrong, why couldn't it go wrong on one of those days?" Two sets of footsteps, one quiet, as if coming from a child, and another, louder, can be heard, along with rustling of paper, and Sora assumes that someone is chasing the kid with the script. The steps continue, varying in pace and loudness, until suddenly,
"OW!" says one of the voices, followed by a *Thud* of someone falling over
"What happened?" asked another voice.
"Ha! You got outrun by a kid."
"Shut up, Jerry. Someone spilled Legos...all over the floor."
"Oh. Kids will be kids, I guess."
"Jen didn't buy him any Legos."
"The whose were they? ...Mike?"
"..."
The small footsteps continue for some time, then a click can be heard, like someone uncapping something.
"Here, take this, and give me that script," one of the voices says. Paper can be heard rustling once more, followed by small footsteps that slowly get quieter,
"There. That should keep him busy," the voice continues, "Now, back to where we left off."
"Power sleeps within you. If you give it form, it will give you, er...strength, that's what it was. Choose well."
He walked to the first platform and, upon grabbing the sword, the voices spoke again,
"The power of the warrior." said the same voice that took the script,
"Invincible courage." said a different one,
"A hoagie of terrible destruction…How far did he get before you took the script away, Jerry?" said the third,
"I don't know. I didn't look at it before you grabbed it from me."
"Guys, can we just focus? Sora's still waiting for us," interjected the second voice,
"Yeah, fine," the first voice said, "Is this the form you choose?"
"Wait, hold on. He didn't choose anything yet."
The pedestals all simultaneously fall into the surface of the platform, then the platform begins breaking into glass shards that fall down into the void. Sora runs to the middle of the platform, in an attempt to escape the inevitable fall, but it is for nothing, and the ground falls away from his feet again, leaving him in free fall.
He falls through the black again, until another platform becomes visible beneath him, and he lands on his back on this one. Unfortunately, he also lands on the glass shards from the previous platform, so he lays there, whimpering, for a bit, until the voices speak up again,
"You've gained the power to fight," a voice said. As Sora was attempting to rise, a shield appeared in the air, and fell on his head, knocking him back into the broken glass. Today is not Sora's day.
Why did he get a shield? He never even got to that platform.
"Did you want us to drop a sword on his head?"
Fair enough.
Groaning some more, Sora eventually managed to get up again, shield in hand. At this time a black box appeared in front of him, telling him how to attack.
Of course, "the X Button" doesn't mean anything to Sora, so he just did what he could. After a few experimental swipes at the air, and only hitting his shin once, the voices resumed speaking
"All right! You've got it."
"Use this power to protect yourself and others."
More black boxes followed, with more information that Sora isn't expected to understand. They explained how there was a green gauge that showed his remaining HP, but he couldn't see anything of the sort around him.
He got quite excited though, when the boxes said that if the HP runs out, he would be taken to the "Continue" screen,
"You mean I can't die?" Sora asked.
"Well, you can't stay dead," one of the voices said.
The next box told him that there was a blue gauge showing his MP, but that magic was a mystery to him. It then proceeded to taunt him with all of the spells that he couldn't cast, because magic is still a mystery to him. This prompted the voices to get into an argument with the text boxes over who had the most authority.
As Sora waited patiently for the voices and text boxes to agree, a small, flat thing crawled in from nowhere, and began moving toward him. It appeared to be inside the floor.
Since Sora was locked in place until the voices ran through their next lines, he was unable to even move, let alone defend himself. The creature pulled itself free of the floor, becoming three-dimensional, and began scratching at Sora, while the voices argued with the text boxes. Eventually, one of the voices noticed his pained cries, and pointed it out to the others, then they all scrambled to get to their lines.
"There will be times you have to fight," one of them said.
"Keep your light burning strong," another said. After those words were spoken, Sora found himself able to move again, and began attacking the creatures.
He ran toward one, and struck it repeatedly with the shield he had been given. After the third strike connected, it exploded into black mist.
Upon seeing one of their own destroyed, the creatures sank back into the ground and disappeared.
Unbeknownst to Sora, one of the creatures had moved to his back while he was distracted. The voices warned him of the impending attack.
…
…
I said, the voices warned him of the impending- too late.
The creature scratched Sora, then the ones who had disappeared returned, forcing Sora to resume combat against them.
In the midst of the fight, one of them produced a puddle of black something by its feet, because apparently these heartless aren't house-trained. It's all over Sora's heart and/or mind, and I'm pretty sure that there's at least one other person's heart connected to Sora's right now. That's going to take a while to clean. The heartless, aware that it's a very bad boy, sank in to the puddle, and more puddles began appearing. At this point, it's probably best just to throw this one away, and get a replacement. You can do that, right?
Sora ran to the middle of the platform to get away from the spreading puddles, but that was for nothing too. Eventually he fell knee deep into it, and apparently, it's a lot deeper than it looks because he's still sinking. He's going to need a shower when this is over.
He opens his eyes to find that he is on yet another platform, flailing about randomly. Sora is not happy. Nothing makes sense in this messed up world, and it all seems to be out for his blood. He's endured numerous long falls, meteor batterings, pigeon attacks, getting stabbed in the back by broken glass, getting hit in the head with a shield, which knocked him back into the broken glass, getting scratched up by beady-eyed proto-human monstrosities while voices in his head forced him to sit there and listen to them arguing with text boxes, and now he's got heartless goo all over his favorite belts and zippers.
He gets up, and stomps to the middle of this platform to find a transparent door. The text boxes tell him to examine it, and he does, noting that he can't open it. Then he looks behind him and sees a small box,
Sora walks up to the box, and lightly taps it with his shield. When nothing happens, he tries a bit more firmly. Still, nothing happens, and Sora takes the shield in both hands, and begins aggressively beating the box with it.
*Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk*
*Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk*
*Thunk*
*Thunk* *Thunk*
*Thunk* *Thunk*
*Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk*...*Thunk*...*Thunk*...
"Dude, what are you doing? It's not locked! Just open it." one of the voices says.
*Thunk*...*Thunk*...*Thunk*
Breathing heavily from his exertion, Sora reaches down to open the box, but puts his face too close, and the light that escapes from it blinds him and burns his eyes.
When his vision clears, he sees a crate. The text box tells him that he can push crates, and when he does that, it proceeds to tell him that he can destroy them. Sora attacks the crate with the same aggression as he did the box, destroying said crate, and picking up the item that dropped. It was a potion, which he used to cure the burning in his eyes from the blinding light. Then a barrel appears, along with a text box that Sora promptly ignores. In a violence-fueled rage, he destroys the barrel, as well.
The voices planned a few more tutorial sections, but Sora's sudden aggression scared them so much that they decided to just make the entire door appear. Upon noticing the completely solid door, Sora ran toward it, screaming, and began attacking it as well. His attacks just kept bouncing off, though, and eventually he settled down and opened it. Once again, a light blinded him, and once again, it burned his eyes. When he was able to open his eyes again, he was standing on a wooden structure, surrounded on all sides by three people.
"Hold on. The door won't open just yet," a voice said, "First, tell me more about yourself."
Sora walked up to the first person, and he spoke,
"What is your name?" the kid asked.
"Uh…Sora," he responded, then walked to the next person.
"What is your quest?"
"To…get out of here?" on to the third.
"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"I don't-"
Too late, reference over.
"Your adventure begins in the dead of night. And stays in the dead of night the entire time. There isn't a sun, the stars are behind clouds, and your light just died. Like you will. Several times. Painfully."
"Wait, that's not how it's supposed to work," Sora said, "This is supposed to make leveling up easier at later-"
"The day you will open the door is both far off and very near," the voice says, as the screen fades into white, blinding Sora yet again.
There haven't been any hoagie incidents in a while.
"Yeah, I gave the kid a crayon, and he's been drawing on Jen's walls for the past 15 minutes,"
"It was a permanent marker, you a*****e."
"I didn't know that when I gave it to him!"
"Sam told me that she saw you uncap it!"
"Then why didn't she take it from him?"
"Hey, I was on the floor, writhing in pain, from the Legos that Mike left out."
The argument continues, eventually derailing to something about the color of some sort of dress. We're just going to move along to the next scene. They'll get here when they sort their differences out.
What do you mean those aren't the words to it?
Like I said at the top, I'm not sure how the general population of the Internet is going to react to a parody of this franchise, so maybe I'll work on the rest of the tutorial later, if I'm not bludgeoned to death by model Keyblades within the next 24 hours.
