"Imperfect Duality"
By GoldenGait
Disclaimer: I do not own Maya, Gabriel, Heroes, or the English language.
Author's Note: I hate song fics. So this isn't one. You will find no reprinted lyrics here. That said, this fic was inspired by a great song by Matthew Good called "Weapon." Go find it and give it a listen. Highly recommended.
This little reflection piece picks up at the end of Volume Two, after 2x11 Powerless.
Part 1
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I've been traveling with him by my side for weeks and I never knew who he really was. Gabriel, the angel, my guardian angel, the man who helped me into this country, the only person who ever saw what I could do and wasn't scared. Was not disgusted. Did not think I was evil. Even my own brother was frightened of me.
Maybe he measured me on his scale. How many people has he killed? More than I have? Certainly more intentionally. Compared to his résumé mine is probably pitifully benign. I'm not sure whether that is a comfort or not. I'm not quite as evil as my travel companion is. Does God grade on a curve?
He was so sweet, so gentle, so caring. Was it an act? The way he would touch my hair or brush my hand… He never seemed like a killer. I was shocked when he admitted killing his mother, but he justified his actions so earnestly… Everything he said echoed how I feel so perfectly, he knew exactly what I was going through, he knew exactly how other people treat me… Has he really been ostracized as I was, or did he tell me that to gain my trust?
I thought I had a friend, I thought I had a kindred spirit in this world of people who don't understand. No-one could possibly know how terrifying it is to be tied to a purely destructive force with no control over it. I'm hand-cuffed to the devil himself and the key to release me doesn't exist.
I never set out to be who I have become, and when Alejandro and I lifted Gabriel into the backseat of that car I never dreamed he would be such a blessing and curse at the same time. He set me on the exact path I asked of him, and yet I turned into more of a monster because of it. This path was supposed to bring me a cure, bring me salvation, and instead I have killed with perfect intent, and lost most of my faith in humanity along the way. If I hadn't met Gabriel, would I have made it to New York? Would I have even made it across the border? Would I be able to control my powers? Would I have lost my brother?
He knew I could kill him with my power. It almost happened several times… I think he actually died once before Alejandro took my hand. He was willing to risk dying in order to help me gain control of my power in the park that day. Or was it all an effort at self-preservation? Was he only trying to harness the loose cannon and make it safer for the operator who wants to wield the weapon? I'll never forget his determination, his resolve, even as he doubled over in pain. His whole body shook as I held him afterwards; his breathing was labored and he trembled for a long time. I know I hurt him, but he was willing to endure it. He knew I could control my ability, he knew if he taunted me he could help me rein in the effects. He had faith. In me. I have faith in a God I've never seen, and no faith in people. I wonder if Gabriel believes in anything beyond what will further his ambitions?
He looked so desperate as he explained what happened to his mother. I wonder if his story was the truth or just the truth as he remembers it. He seemed to believe every word as he told it, and my heart broke for him. I can't imagine having family turn on you when you need them most. I don't know whether his desperation stemmed from his desire to keep me on our path to New York or whether it came from a deep-seated need to explain himself and be forgiven for the one murder he did not intend to commit. This is only if he believed what he was saying. There's no way for me to tell.
He did not kiss me like a man who meant me harm. His eyes were soft, and he held me so gently… He stroked my hair, and whispered my name. Should I have been able to tell he was evil by that kiss? Was it an act, or did he have feelings for me like I had for him?
Have?
And every time I begin to remember my feelings for him, every time I start to justify his stance, his outlook on life, I always come back to the fact that he killed my brother. It's an unavoidable detail. I don't know how it happened, or exactly when, and I'm not sure I could stand to hear the story even if it were offered to me. How do you classify the man who slaughtered your twin, the only family you have left?
Had left. I don't have him anymore. I'm beginning to hate the past tense.
If I try hard enough I can even understand why he shot me. I was ready to take out everyone in that room with my grief, everyone in the entire city block, and I don't think I could have stopped myself even if I had wanted to. And I didn't want to. Really, he saved the lives of everyone in that building.
He taught me to love and hate at the same time. I was traveling with the devil long before I ever met Gabriel, and maybe his arrival was simply the form of my personal devil embodied in a man. I shouldn't have turned my back on the devil inside me, even for an instant. I underestimated him, and he asserted himself by sending me Gabriel. I feared my power, but I did not afford it the respect the devil deserves. I'll never trust a devil again.
My world at home was bright and thick with color. Crossing the border was harsh and glaring, bright without color. Now New York is dark and thick in its own way. Nothing like the comforting thickness of home, though. This city seems to stick to my legs and I'm afraid it is dragging me down.
When I think back on the last few weeks and remember the things I've done I have trouble breathing. I feel like something is sitting on my chest, and all I want is my guardian angel holding me and telling me I am safe and that everything will be okay. I'm angry at him for lying to me, I'm angry at him for killing my brother, and I'm angry at him for running out that door and leaving me here. He succeeded in making me into a weapon, in completely replacing me with someone I don't recognize, and I'll never be the girl I was.
I might as well be with him.
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Stay tuned for Part 2, and in the meantime, please R&R, and visit my profile for a link to my webpage. Happy holidays, everyone!
GG
