Black Magician Parody: Christmas Special

Thanks very much to Deidara the Arrancar Alchemist for reading through my drafts and giving terrific suggestions & ideas. Without her I wouldn't have been able to post this at all. She's a very talented addition to the Dan/Tay fanfic ranks, so go check out what she's written so far!

WARNING: Do not read if you are allergic to my parodies.


Dannyl awakens to find Tayend excitedly jumping up and down on the bed.

Tayend: Wake up Dannyl, it's Christmas!

Dannyl: Chris- what? Is this another holiday you've made up?

Tayend: No no, this one's real- it's the time of year when people pretend to like each other and exchange terrible presents.

Dannyl: Sounds like a typical Elyne party.

Tayend: But I've so many happy memories of Christmas from when I was a kid; my parents used to buy me loads of expensive gifts to make up for the fact that they didn't like me!

Dannyl: That's nice and all, but I don't see what it's got to do with- where'd he go?

Tayend vanishes and reappears in Lorlen's office.

Lorlen: Bah, humbug.

Osen: Please sir, can I have some more?

Tayend: … did I just walk in on a Charles Dickens mash-up performance?

Lorlen: Ah… yes. That's it.

Tayend: I can't believe you and Osen are working on Christmas Day!

Lorlen: Well, someone's got to sort out this paperwork. Can you believe some idiot hired out a troupe of acrobats and put the expense under the Magician Welfare fund?

Tayend: Well… watching acrobats is really important… for um… blood circulation… or something…

Osen: :O

Lorlen: Close your mouth Osen, there's a good fellow.

Osen: :I

Tayend: So I'm organising a Christmas party for this evening, are you two lovebirds coming?

Lorlen: Don't you have to ask my permission first?

Tayend: Hmm. No, I don't think so.

Osen: *unzips his mouth* Please can we go Lorlen, please? We haven't left this office in a month!

Lorlen: Oh, alright then.

Tayend: Yay!


Tayend goes around the Guild handing out invitations for his party.

Rothen: A party, eh? Haven't heard of one of those before.

Tayend: Come on old man, it'll do you good to get out!

Rothen: … old man?

Tayend: … Oh I'm sorry, I just always assumed you were a man!

Rothen: One of these days, I'm going to beat you so hard with my walking stick-

Dorrien: I'll come to the party.

Tayend: You do know that Akkarin will probably be there?

Dorrien: It's fine; I've accepted that Sonea is with him now, and that she'll realise in her own time that she's with a complete son of a b-

Tayend: Shh! Don't swear, there's a little kid right behind you.

Regin: Little kid? I'm the same height as you!

Tayend: OMG I recognise that sneer. You must be Draco Malfoy!

Regin: Yeah, Harry cursed me with a permanent sneering jinx so I decided to change my identity and join the Guild.

Tayend: You coming to my Christmas bash?

Regin: Who exactly are you?

Rothen: *mutters* some minx Dannyl picked up in Elyne.

Tayend: You know, I like you better when you're high on nemmin.

Rothen: That's it, I've had enough. *grumbles and fetches his walking stick*


Later, at the party in the Night Room…

Tayend: *hobbles slightly after being beaten by Rothen's infamous walking stick* Do mine eyes deceive me? Are you doing paperwork Lorlen?

Dannyl: No, he's doing Osen.

Tayend: How come you're not this dirty in the books?

Dannyl: Cos I've just drunk five glasses of wine. Don't make any sudden movements or I might explode into fireworks or something. Wanna dance?

Tayend: *edges away from Dannyl*

Osen: Ah… Lorlen? I-I made you a present.

Lorlen: What's this? "A Collection of Lorlen & Osen's Fanfic-tastic Adventures in Lorlen's Office"?

Osen: *blush* I wrote it secretly when I was supposed to be working…

Lorlen: Oh Osen, I love it! Here's you present.

Tayend: *peeks over Osen's shoulder* An Elyne maid's outfit? I wish Dannyl was that imaginative!

Lorlen: Let's go back to my office and make out.

Tayend: Can I come?

Lorlen & Osen: NO!

Tayend: D:

Rothen: Oh there you are Tayend, I got you a present.

Tayend: :D

Tayend opens the present.

Tayend: :S

Rothen: I thought you could do with some decent clothes.

Tayend: But… but these are at least a size too big for me!

Rothen: You're not in Elyne anymore, Tayend of Tremmelin!

Tayend: *cries*

Dorrien: Father, leave him alone. Just because he's a self-absorbed slut who's leading Dannyl astray, doesn't mean he's not a nice guy!

Tayend: Why thank you Dorrien. You can have a threesome with me and Dan anytime you like.

Dorrien: … *edges away, and then sees Akkarin and Sonea*

Dorrien: Akkarin.

Akkarin: Dorrien.

Awkward pause.

Dorrien: I got you a present.

Akkarin: *opens present* … you got me condoms?

Dorrien: Yeah, and don't forget to use them. I don't want your brats running around the place when I'm married to Sonea.

Rothen: *horrified* Are you all talking about contraception? That's illegal!

Sonea: Yeah, that sort of sums up why this country sucks. Oh, and speaking of illegal, I got you some nemmin from the Thieves Rothen!

Rothen: *slips nemmin into his pocket* I'll mix this in with my hot milk later to help me sleep.

Dannyl: I can't believe the author neglected me for 30 lines. So much for favouritism.

Fergun: You should think of how the secondary characters feel.

Dannyl: Fergun? I thought they sent you to Azkaban!

Fergun: I got you a present.

Dannyl: Oh… these are really nice socks and all… but they're pink. Are you colour-blind or something? And what's this sticky stuff all over them?

Fergun: Um… hair gel.

Tayend: I'd put those in the wash first if I were you Dannyl.

Fergun: You filthy little Mudblood!

Tayend: *shrugs* I've been called worse.

Fergun: I got you something too.

Tayend opens the present.

Tayend: Oh, books! The Traitor Spy Trilogy. Never heard of it before…

Flicks through the first book with increasing disdain.

Tayend: What is this rubbish? It's completely unrealistic and clearly prejudiced against me.

Dannyl: Oh, it's just that uncanon series Trudi wrote for a laugh.

Tayend: I've read fanfiction better than this. Honest to god, fanfiction.

Fergun: *arrogant* Actually, I'm sure the author was quite serious when she wrote about me and Dannyl hooking up in the last book.

Tayend: Let me guess, and Sonea gets with Regin?

Fergun: Um… yeah.

Dannyl: I reckon Trudi read so many fanfictions, she got confused and wrote one herself. That's her only excuse for misspelling Sonea's uncle's name.

Two Dementors swoop into the room, and drag Fergun away for breaking the terms of his parole.

Dementor #1: We told you, no partiesssss!

Dementor #2: *waves goodbye* Merry Crissssstmassssss folkssssss!

Tayend: … Does anyone else get the feeling the author secretly wants to write Harry Potter fics?

There's a loud banging on the door.

Tayend: I bet five gold it's a Harry Potter character.

Cery and his pickpocketing slum-dwelling pals break down the door.

Cery: ARE YOU READY TO PARTY?

Tayend: I do believe it's pronounced par- TAY. After all, I did invent the word.

Cery: Hey, I didn't realise there was a new female character in this fandom!

Tayend: Are you looking for a fight, ratboy? Cos my boyfriend's twice as tall as you.

Cery: I'm just here to PARTY!

Tayend: Urgh. The sooner this scene ends, the better.


Dannyl and Tayend exit the Night Room and go back to Dannyl's rooms, leaving the Thieves and magicians to rock out for the night.

Dannyl: I should give you your present before I fall into a drunken stupor.

Tayend: Oooh! Is it a unicorn?

Dannyl: How would that even fit in a box? Anyway, I think you'll like it.

Tayend: *rips open present excitedly* I… ah… What is it?

Dannyl: I call it the eReader! I spent the last year inventing it. Now you can carry all your favourite books around wherever you go!

Tayend: Nice sales pitch, I'm sold.

Tayend gives Dannyl his present and he opens it.

Dannyl: Oh my god Tayend, you didn't!

Tayend: Well, I haven't seen you this excited since Armje.

Dannyl: Two tickets to the Harry Potter Theme Park in Elyne! How could you afford this?

Tayend: Don't worry, I didn't use your credit card this time.

Dannyl: Good.

Tayend: I used Rothen's instead.

Dannyl: *chooses to ignore this* Oh Tayend, this is the best present ever! We should celebrate Christmas every year!

Author: And so it came to pass that Christmas was celebrated at the Guild every year, all thanks to the impulsive actions of an Elyne scholar.

Tayend: Oh god she's back. Get out of our room you pervert!

Dannyl: Don't make me use my pepper spray! *waves pepper spray threateningly*

Author: Merry Christmas to all!