Scott Pilgrim
Slightly less fine hours
We start off with our hero (Scott, a nerdy Canadian twenty something) awesomely making out with his girlfriend Ramona at his new place after defeating the last of her evil ex's (for more details, read the damn books before you start reading some idiot's fanfic). All is not how it seems however, as Scott will soon come to learn the true magnitude of what he has just done...
"RING RING MOTHER F-ERS!" Scott's phone chirps. Scott, his tongue trying furiously to leap down Ramona's throat, doesn't even notice and continues to make out. A few moments later it curses at him again, this time getting Scott to elicit an annoyed grunt as he continues to totally devour her mouth like a super stud. Another ring and he breaks off of Rammy' s face and pulls the phone out of his pocket. "Ugh, What?! I'm busy trying to score!" Ramona turns red at this and leaves the room "WAIT! It... That... It totally wasn't..."
The man on the other end speaks up, "No sir, this can't wait" "NOT YOU! MY GIRLFRIEND... ugh, what do you want?" The man can be heard typing, then he speaks again, his cold calculated voice sounding like he had already said this kind of thing a million times "According to our records, at around midnight two months ago you killed Gideon Gordon Graves, head of Gideon enterprises, is that correct Mr. Pilgrim?"
Scott's face got paler, his expression getting graver (see what I did their?... Ah screw you, that was gold) "Uh, I defeated him... and he like... Blew up into coins... I never really thought of it like I... Killed him...or anything.." the phone guy spoke up again "In the censored European version you did. Now, we're very sorry we hadn't called you sooner to tell you this but-" he was cut off by Scott, now in a totally manly state of pure panic and pants shitting terror "OH GOD AM I GOING TO JAIL?! IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?! OH GOD I'M GONNA GET SHANKED AND THEN I'LL GO TO THE SHOWERS AND-" Scott was then cut off by the phone dude, who was seriously trying to not laugh... err, cry at this display of manly weeping "No, I'm not calling to arrest you... I'm not even sure that's a thing you can do... Anyway, I'm calling to inform you that you have killed Gideon Gordon Graves, a genius, a millionaire, a inventor, and the world's seventh greatest assassin. Do you know what this means for you?"
Scott didn't wipe a few tears from his manly face before speaking into the phone "Do I get a medal? or like... a plaque honoring the service I did for humanity? Or a Nobel prize?" Scott was already thinking of an awesome speech that would totally blow the socks off of those close minded Swiss (Note: I am highly aware that the Nobel prize committee is a Swedish institution, but he isn't) "No. Being the person who killed the seventh greatest assassin makes YOU the new seventh greatest assassin. As a new member of the UAA you have been sent an official UAA credit card, a license to kill, and a complementary 1-up. Any questions Mr. Pilgrim?"
Scott was so confused right now, he felt like this was a dream, or a really bad scene written by a talentless hack (hey! I try my hardest! and these meta references don't make sense, so you [I?] should probably stop making them) or... "excuse me, sir?... are you fucking with me?" a pause "Cuz it seems like this is something someone would say to fuck with... someone. Did Wallace put you up to this? Are you one of his gay friends?" another awkward pause before the UAA man spoke "No, I'm not, and I'd like to ask that you keep the language civilized. You're an assassin, not a barbarian. Also if I was gay how could I have BANGED YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT! SERVED, BOY!" the phone slammed into the receiver loudly and Scott was left with an empty dial tone.
Scott sat their a few more moments, staring emptily into space before closing his phone, setting it down on the table and heading to his bedroom. He found Ramona, sitting on his bed reading a book. "Who was that?" she asked, not looking up from her gripping tale of suspense and mystery. Scott raised his hand and put a smile on his face, then sighed and slumped "I dunno. Some guy. Says I'm an assassin working for the USA or something... Did Gideon ever mention that he was one of the worlds best assassins?" Ramona thought for a moment, before replying "World's*. And maybe. He probably said something about it, and I probably wasn't listening." Scott opened his idiot mouth and uttered "Wow, that last sentence made you sound like kind of a bitch."
Ramona rolled her eyes "Call your girlfriend a bitch. Great way to make up for telling a stranger your trying to screw her." Scott scrambled for a reply. "Ha-ha, I just said it made you SOUND like a bitch, I never called you... y'know... wanna make out again?". Ramona stared blankly at him for what felt MINUTES. Finally "Fine.".
NIGHT SALVAGED!
+1 BARTER
Scott wakes up to a smiling pip boy, telling him "you are now well rested". He yawns, stretches, and then gets out of bed, censor bar over his now totally exposed junk (I could have him in boxers, but screw you reader, that's unrealistic) before he slips on some underwear and pants (HA!). He walks into the kitchen and pulls out the box of store brand fruit flavored rings, simultaneously opening the fridge to get his weird Canadian bagged milk. He pours them both into a bowl and digs in, chewing loudly. He flips his phone open and nearly spits out his cereal. The screen reads "You have: 17 new messages from WALLACE WELLS, you're cool gay former roommate." He hits playback and is greeted to Wallace's oddly shaky voice "Hey, guy. Uh, could you call me back? Because, for some reason my computer says you're like, now registered with the UAA. Crazy right? So yeah, call me back real soon, all right?" the next message starts "Hey, hi, uh, still haven't heard from you... I REALLY need you to call me back mkay, just to... y'know, sort all this out. So yeah, call me back." next one "SCOTT CALL ME! CALL ME AND TELL ME THIS IS A MISTAKE! JUST CALL AND SAY SOMETHING YOU SON OF A BITCH!" the next fourteen get progressively less understandable, with Wallace sounding drunk by the 7th and straight up sh*t faced by the 13th.
All Scott is able to discern is that apparently he is in danger, and that some guy would be coming later to take his rank... that's a little foreboding. Scott hits callback and waits... for a full .02 seconds before Wallace picks up and blurts right into Scott's ear "WTF MAN?! I CALLED YOU A BAZILLION TIMES! I THOUGHT YOU WHERE DEAD ALLREADY! WTF!" unsettling pause before Scott speaks up "nice to hear from you too... So, what exactly is this all about? Like, what is... what is this? And how do you know about this?" -Audible sigh from Wallace- "How many times have I told you this, I WORK FOR UAA! I've said it like, a lot." Scott's eyes nearly bulge out of his head at this shocking development "YOU'RE AN ASSASSIN? I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU?! ARE YOU GOOD?" Wallace face palms so hard he leaves an anime style red outline on his head "NO. I work in the financing department. I work at a desk you... look, all I wanted to tell you was that you have $25,000 Canadian dollars added to you UAA credit card... I can hear you fist pumping through the phone. That's BAD. That means someone paid the fee to fight you! They could be their any minute!"
Scott speaks up "My life is only worth $25,000 Canadian money's? I thought it would be at LEAST $450,000... maybe even $500,000... How much is your life worth?" "First off your life ain't worth jack, he paid around 55,000 and most of that money goes to his travel fees or to the UAA. Second, FOCUS! I'm trying to make sure you DON'T DIE. LIKE A GOOD FORMER ROOMMATE. Listen, I stayed up all night and have a bunch of fake identities set up for you, we can pick one, you can hide out and..." he's cutoff "RELAX. I GOT this. I'll beat this poser, tell the URA I'm not interested, and then I'll add 'totally badass ninja assassin' onto my resume and chalk this whole misunderstanding up as a win." he defiantly slaps the phone shut and pours his soggy cereal in the drain like a boss. "I got $25,000 richer, I can coat my whole PAD in cereal." He's about to wake up Rammy and tell her the good news when he hears a knock at the door. He puts on an ironic wolf shirt and opens the door.
