My Dear Father Christmas,
Rarely has a reason for a letter such a
necessary. I understand you only handle human requests normally.
Since I hold human level wisdom I should very much fancy a
miniature controller death ray. If I have not been 'good' enough for
such a gift, a catnip mouse and a day when I needn't reside at the
top of a tree courtesy of the local dogs will do.
Sensibility,
White Cat
Dear Santa,
No one wants to talk to me! I have no
idea why! I'm so good at talking even if I'm not at driving. (Sorry I
ruined those hubcaps I asked for last year really I am. It was White
Cat in that fancy other car. I'm only human!)
That's why this year if everyone
doesn't want to talk to me so much and hear all the interesting
things I have to say about the tin cans on 5th street or
how they're potting their azaleas wrong, I'd really like internet for
Christmas. Internet faster than White Cats' humans' dial up if you
could. I hear tumblr's all the rage for us talkers!
Thanks Santa!
You're a Pal!
Sincerely,
Best Regards,
Your's Truly,
Talking Dog
Santa Baby,
I never forgot last year.
Hope you haven't ether, sugar cookie.
One am, my place.
You bring the tinsel and the oh so
pretty ancient ruby of Carlyle, and I'll be sure all the unwrapping
is already done on my sheepskin rug by the fire.
XOXO,
Sedusa
Dear Santa,
A monomolecular DNA splicer would be so
cool!...
Not that I'm writing to ask for one but
you know if you happen to have one just sitting around and it needs
a good home...well you know.
Happy Holidays,
Professor Utonium
P.S. My girls' letters are attached.
They are very sorry for their part in Princess destroying the North
Pole workshop last year. Blossom even thinks you wouldn't answer a
letter from her now, but a collection of classic novels would be a
safe bet. Kids will be kids!
Dear Santa,
Okay, okay I know what you're gonna
say. I haven't been good all year, but they were asking for it. Well,
maybe not Mitch but he tired to kiss me! There's a line Santa, a
line! Anyway, I'd really like a Beefy Betty Goes Bonkers action
figure, and a new friend for Chompy, my stuffed alligator. He'd
really like a hippo buddy to drag unsuspecting victims into the the
amazon with...
(I baked the cookies this year, sorry
if they suck)
Love,
Buttercup
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is your wife? Are all
your reindeer okay? Do you have to brush their coats everyday to keep
them shiny?
Professor helped me make the reindeer
food this year. Does it really make them fly?
'Holly, tinsel, and Christmas cheer,
these were the ingredients used to make Santa's deer' our narrator
says. I don't know if I believe him, but I've been really really
good!
I'd like a Lulu Loopsy Lucy, the one
with blue hair and star on her cheek and new hair ribbons. Octi would
like a new hat.
Thank you!
Love,
Bubbles
(Dear) Santa,
toy truck (He'll just brake it like the
last one)
St. Grudge BB gun (shoot his eye out)
paper jams guitar (please god no, our
ears man)
a kitty (if you bring it you'd better
be doing the poop scooping)
(Love)
Big Billy
(and his brother from another mother
Ace. You know the drill, some clothes , a stuffed animal or somethin',
maybe a goldfish. Anything that don't kill him if he decides it looks
tasty.)
Dear old Fat Guy,
I was going to ask for a Lulu Loopsy
doll this year like all the other poor girls but who cares? My daddy
can buy me ten in the time it takes for you to get off your fat
tucus!
I'm glad I'm on the naughty list! You
heard me, glad! It means our maid doesn't have to give you any of my
Christmas cookies or clean your slimy fat roll marks off the front of
my genuine velvet stocking.
I've been making a killing selling the
coal at twice the market value. So keep it coming, I don't care!
Sit on it,
Princess Anne Morbucks III
Santa,
A magical hair growing sparkle pony
Apricot with real galloping action!
Please?
From the desk of His Honor the Mayor of
Townsville
Dear Mr. Kringle,
I feel a bit silly writing you this as
I understand your target demographic after all reaches a much younger
audience. Actually, that is the main reason I thought to write you.
Having gone down every other avenue I can think of. On behalf of my
fellow teachers and the children of Townsville if there is anything
you could do to recover the art and physical education funding to
our distinct you would be sending not only a merry Christmas but
countless years of fostered hope and joy.
Any help is always welcome. Perhaps you
might like to join the volunteer grandparents program at least?
Best Wishes,
Mr. Avery Green
Dearest Pere Noel,
I couldn't help but notice you still
haven't taken my generous advice.
Such a shame you've decided to remain so portly.
You know it's only a matter of time before a sweet belly
of jelly turns into bitter preserve thighs of regret. Oh well. I
realize I am but a fabulously underrepresented cultural minority in
Townsville but I am very sure I don't need to remind you to fill both
boots to the top with only the highest quality gifts.
Eternal Love,
Him
