So... i'm back with a new one-shot and this one was supposed to be made for Suicide Prevention Day, but my computer was broken and I couldn't update or write anything,( except my A Deadly Love one which I had on a flashdrive). So, this deals with the subject of suicide/depression, so please be warned.
I'm sure it's pretty obvious the story line. It shows the 2 POV's- the victim and the families and I hope I did a good job portraying their confusion/emotions.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All rights belong to ABC family.
"People who die by suicide don't want to end their lives, they want to end their pain." - Unknown
It was late at night and the Fosters were just getting home from going out to dinner, but one person was missing: Callie.
Everyone convinced her to go out, but she said "no" thousands of times, and eventually, they gave up and left without her. When they got home and closed the door, Brandon entered the house shouting Callie's name. "Callie, we're home!" Brandon shouted then added, "We got you food!"
When the rest of the family came in, Stef just said, "She's probably asleep. She's tired, and has been lately." Brandon nodded, putting the food away and then going upstairs to check on Callie while the whole family was downstairs doing their own little thing.
Brandon walked up the stairs into Callie's room, and once he opened the door, he thought he was in a nightmare.
A viscous, evil nightmare.
Because what he saw would scar him for life.
Because he saw Callie, laid out on the floor, blood in a pool around her, and a bloody note in her hand, one that was too ruined to read. Brandon rushed towards her and then yelled for his moms while dialing 9-1-1. His moms came up and they were shocked at what they saw.
While his moms decided to help Callie, he was talking to the police.
"911, what is your emergency?"
Brandon panicked, "My... Sister is laying on the floor surrounded by blood. I think she's... She's... Dead." He choked on the words.
The operator nodded, "Alright. The authorities are on their way. Is she breathing? Does she have a pulse?"
Brandon put the phone on speaker and then pushed his moms out of the way, who were cradling Callie's head and then put 2 hands on her neck, and felt a slight, but beating, pulse. He told the operator and she just told him to keep her calm, and stop the bleeding.
He totally forgot about the rest of his family when Mariana came in and screamed.
They all looked at each other, and they silently decided to let Stef talk to her.
Mariana didn't see much, just a glimpse of Callie surrounded in a pool of blood. She had tears in her eyes, "Mom, what happened?" Her mom cradled her and sucked her, not wanting to tell her what they discovered yet, still trying to comprehend it herself.
"She... Let's just wait till she gets better, alright? Hmm... Why don't you distract Jude by playing with him or something, alright? He doesn't need to see his sister like this."
Mariana nodded, rushing downstairs, trying to distract Jude and all of his endless questions. Eventually, they got to playing super smash bros, a game which she didn't know how to play.
She heard the sirens before she saw them, and then she saw a mirage of flashing lights, all mixed up. She opened the door and 2 paramedics came in with a stretcher; Jesus held Jude's hand while Mariana led them to their bedroom.
She let them in and then they got straight to work. They put her on the stretcher and then hooked up a bunch of things to her, and then put a mask over her, pumping air into her. The EMT said they were taking her to the nearest hospital, and that the police would question them later. They rushed to the car and drove like crazy to the hospital. Once they were there, one of the doctors took her into the room, to get operated on, closing the curtain.
Someone-a nurse- saw them and led them to the waiting too with a sad look on her face, "Don't worry. She seems like a strong girl." And then left to go see her patient.
The whole family was so confused as to what just happened, Stef and Lena had an idea, but the rest of them-especially Jude- didn't know what happened, or didn't really know what she did.
Jude spoke up first, "What happened to my sister, moms?" He asked them with tears in his eyes, Lena picked him up and cradled him in her arms.
"I don't know, Baby. I don't know." She said into her ear, and then whispered, "Try to get some sleep." Jude kept crying until, eventually, he wearied himself out and passed out on Lena's chest. She continued to rub soothing circles on her back.
Mariana sat right next to the moms, looking at them intensely, "Now that Jude is asleep. What happened with Callie?" Mariana asked, really wanting to know what happened.
The moms looked at each other, thinking about what to tell them. The truth or a lie, because even though they saw the evidence, they didn't fully comprehend it.
"Um..." Stef said uncomfortably but figured they needed to hear it anyways, "Callie, she cut her wrists and bled out." Stef didn't want to sugarcoat the truth from them, after all they were teenagers/almost adults.
They all just looked shocked, but Brandon the most. He almost never cried. Ever. But seeing Callie on the floor- her skin as cold as ice- and the crimson pool of blood soaking his knees, surrounding her, he just lost it. He didn't know why Callie would do this. And why he didn't see the signs? He was getting mad at himself for not seeing the signs sooner. She was isolating herself from her family, she was not eating, claiming she was sick. She looked... Sadder, as if she aged a million years in one day.
She was agitated easily, and spoke about death like it was nothing. How could he not see the signs!? He didn't know he was mad until he hit the armrest on the chair, his family turned to look at him and Stef went up and took his hand in her own. "Brandon, it's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault, alright? Don't be mad at yourself, it won't help anyone. The truth is, we should have all seen the signs but we just thought that she was being emotional. It's all of our faults." Stef told him with tears in her eye, and then gave him a big hug. Jude was still asleep on Lena's lap, and Jesus was comforting a crying Mariana. They all looked up when the doctor came in. "Are you the family of Callie Jacob?"
They nodded and they all stood up, looking at him with tears in their eyes. The doctor sighed, "Callie is stable, but suffered a lot of blood loss- we fixed it and she should wake up by tomorrow at the latest. But once she wakes up, its hospital procedure to get her checked out by a psychologist. She was bleeding out because on both of her wrists there were long vertical lines going down, splitting open a vein, we stitched it up but when she wakes up, she's going to be a little out of it and might be a little mad, and then after that we're putting her on a 24/7 suicide watch. You guys may see her, and I'm truly sorry." The doctor nodded, showing them to Callie's room.
When they got in, Callie was laying on the bed like a zombie, all pale and sweaty. Brandon got a closer look and saw 2 white bandages covering her wrists, he let out a deep son, knowing what was under there. He sat down on the chair and took one to Callie's hand into his own. "Callie, why?" He choked settling his puffy eyes on her bandages, "why? Why didn't you tell us, Callie? We could have helped you!" He said to her, his voice barley an over a whisper.
"How could you do this to me, your family, and your brother? Did we really not mean that much to you?" He knew he was crazy for getting mad at Callie, but too many emotions were going through his mind and it was scaring the shit out of him. "Why?" Was all he asked as he sat down, checking his phone for any missed messages. Lena sat Jude down on the couch, laying him down while still petting his hair. A nurse came in and have him a blanket, and he continued to sleep, which the family was thankful for.
After Brandon was done, Mariana came and sat by her. "I, um, know we didn't talk much, but you could have told me you were feeling like this? What caused you to do something crazy like this? Was it me? If so, I'm so sorry. Was it someone at school? Was it someone in this family? About life in general? Why did you do this Callie? Why? Causing your family -yes family- so much pain and grief. I know you called me selfish and yes, I did do some selfish things, but what you did was kind of selfish, ya know? I understand, and not mad at you- alright a little mad for cashing all this pain to the people I love, but yeah.. I'm going to sit back with my moms. Hope you get better." Mariana sat back down, playing with her fingers.
Next was Jesus, he laughed awkwardly, "Callie, I'm sorry you felt like this, ya know. I know you're life wasn't easy- but when is it for us kids in the system? Anyways, I hope you get better and... Yeah." Jesus really didn't know what to say, he and Callie were never particularly close, but he felt like he had to say something. "Don't worry, we're taking good care of Jude." Then sat back down, taking his sisters hand.
Stef was next, and just said, "You could have told us Callie. We would have understand, you should have told us. We love you like our own and you just have to get better, not for us, but for Jude. He'll be heartbroken without you. Please get better soon." She kissed her forehead and they waited until she woke up, which seemed like forever.
Callie felt groggy and then smelt some strong disinfectants. She could remember what happened, but then it all came back to her. What she did. How when no one was home, she took apart her x-acto knife and drew a big, deep line on her wrists, watching her blood seep out onto the dry carpet, which felt a little bit wet when he blood was dripping on it. She then remembered some flashing lights, and then blacked out.
She assumed she was in the hospital, and she was kind of disappointed. She wished that she would have died, to end her pain. After all, she would be doing the world a favor. She could feel the doctors fixing up her wrists, the thread going through effortlessly and then she could hear footsteps. She wanted to open her eyes, but she couldn't. It took too much strength, she tried to move her hands -something- but couldn't and she was getting madder at herself and decided to just listen to people talking to her.
She heard some of the main words like "why" or "selfish" and what not and she was thinking about it, but it took too much out of her.
She knew that she wasn't being selfish. In her mind, she was being selfless. She knew the world would be better off without her, I mean, who needs Callie Jacob anyways? It's not like she made a difference in anyone's lives. She thought as she heard people talk to her. She couldn't hear anymore talking, and for that she was grateful. She wanted to respond to the voices, but she couldn't and a little part of her wished she never woke up, because she didn't want to answer questions, and feel the disappointment in people's eyes, to see the pity, the anger, in their eyes.
She never wanted any of this. She just wanted to get rid of her pain and this was the best way to do it- well, that she thought of. She didn't feel like talking to anyone because no one would ever understand what it felt like to be numb and in pain. Nobody would understand why it felt like to be depressed and wanting to get better, but not succeeding, like a black hole dragging you back in. Nobody would understand and she didn't have the energy to explain to them. A part of her wanted to wake up, but the other part didn't- wanting to stay in this dark, horrid- yet safe- place. A place where she could just exist, -not live, exist.
How could they understand something she still couldn't?
Her eyes started getting heavy and her eyes started to flutter, much to her own annoyance, and she caught a sliver of a face- one that looked familiar but she couldn't make out.
"Callie? Did you open your eyes?" Someone said to her in a voice that seemed familiar but couldn't place. She liked the voice, it was calm, and with his encouragement, she opened her eyes.
Her vision was still blurry, but she could see a bunch of people staring at her. She turned her head into the pillow, not wanting to face them.
She could probably tell why she was trying to hide, but they didn't leave her alone. She looked out of the corner of her eye and saw that her foster family was still looking at her, and she didn't want to see their facial expressions.
But… she knew she couldn't play dead forever, so she opened her eyes again and then spoke, "Hi." She said it nervously, afraid of what they would say- the unknown.
They all turned to look at each other, then at her. Their expressions were some of madness, pity, sadness, anger, every single emotion that ever existed showed on their unreadable faces. Stef, to her disbelief, came up to her and took her hand into her own.
She looked down at their entwined hands and saw Stef running her hands over her white bandages with a small spot of blood at the top. "Why, Callie?" Was all she said and it was filled with so much emotion that Callie wanted to cry right there; but she couldn't. She couldn't show weakness.
Callie didn't look at her when she asked that question and put her head down. "I don't want to talk about this now, Stef. Please." She begged her with hopeful eyes, Stef was thinking about not talking about it when Brandon –of all people- stood up.
"No, Callie. We're talking about this now." His voice was sharp, but wasn't mad at her, just mad at the situation.
Brandon walked slowly to Callie's bed and then used his hand and caressed her cheek, "Callie, why did you do this?" He eyed her bandages vaguely and Callie knew what he wanted the answer to.
And honestly, she didn't know what her answer was. Why did she do it? She thought about it and she guessed it was for different reasons. She felt numb, felt empty, as if her whole world suddenly turned to black while she could see everyone else's lives in full color. She just couldn't do it anymore. She tried everything to get rid of the numbness she was feeling. She cut herself, just to see if she could feel anything. She didn't.
She swallowed a couple of pills a day, hoping to feel something. She didn't.
She made herself throw up to feel something. She didn't.
And everything she tried didn't work.
And she just wanted the pain, the misery, the numbness to end.
And she thought ending her life was the only way out to her messed up, black, destroyed life.
So, she told that to Brandon, struggling along the way. She tried to read the expressions on his face- his family's faces- and they were all a mixture of emotions, but most of all – confused.
Brandon shed a quick tear but wiped it off, "Callie, why didn't you tell us? Did you not trust us?" Brandon asked her, his voice still hoarse.
Callie just shrugged, taking her hand and running her fingers over her rough, white bandages. "I don't know. I felt like you wouldn't care, and you wouldn't understand. It's just easier this way."
Brandon looked a little angry and then said, "We would have understand, you could have come to us" He said in defeat.
And with that sentence, she lost all of her cool, her calmness, and just yelled in his face, "You wouldn't understand, Brandon. Never. Not with your perfect life. You don't know what it's like to spend almost your whole life in a foster home, in families, that didn't care about you. You don't know anything, you wouldn't understand what it's like to feel numb, to feel pain. You don't know what it's like to feel all of that and never escaping it, it following you everywhere, laughing in your face until you just give into it, and give up. You don't understand. You will never understand. So stop acting like you would!" She took a deep breath after all of this, and she had to admit, she felt good after getting all her emotions out- although she knew she shouldn't have taken it out all on Brandon.
The rest of their faces were in disbelief, and apparently all the yelling woke Jude up- which she was surprised it didn't earlier. When he woke up he looked at Lena and then saw Callie. He jumped off her lap and then ran into the bed and lifted himself up, hugging his sister as best as he could. "Callie! What happened? We came home and next thing I know, you're being taken away in the ambulance- just like mom. Why, Callie?" His voice broke, and Callie to the best of her ability, hugged Jude back, letting him cry.
Callie looked at everyone and then at her brother, the one person she loved more than anything in this world- even herself. She felt guilt for causing her brother this pain, yeah, she's sorry she caused her foster family –especially Brandon- this pain, but majorly Jude. She couldn't leave him family-less.
"It's okay, Jude. It's alright. I'm not going anywhere." Callie comforted her brother and then he peeked his head up and nodded, hugging Callie back tightly.
Jude stepped down when 2 people came in- a doctor and a girl with a clipboard. The doctor cleared his throat, "Okay. Um… we're going need to talk to Callie, and Callie's family, the police are ready to speak with you." They nodded, and Jesus took Jude to go get something from the cafeteria since he was starving.
They all kissed Callie goodbye and then closed the curtain, leaving Callie and the 2 doctors in silence. "Callie, I assumed you know what happened?"
Callie nodded, and the doctor continued on, "Well, because you came in her with a suicide attempt, it's hospital protocol to get you checked out by a psychologist; so that's what she's going to do, examine you. You should be out of here today or tomorrow, but where you go will depend on her." He walked up to her and whispered in her ear, "You're too beautiful to do this to yourself. You have so much to live for." Then walked away.
Callie nodded, and then the doctor closed the curtain leaving Callie and the psychologist in awkwardness.
The psychologist sat down and started the questioning. "Callie, why did you try to kill yourself?" She asked bluntly.
She just shrugged and continued answering all the questions silently and vaguely.
After what felt like an hour, to Callie, the psychologist nodded and then walked out, probably talking to her parents- her foster parents. Not her real ones.
The psychologist closed the door and then went to talk to Lena and Stef Foster and telling them the worse news, ever. "Hi, I'm Robin Hominy, and I evaluated your foster daughter, Callie. And after asking her a couple of questions, I'm recommending her to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital- Two Rivers Children's psychiatric hospital. It's close to here, only 20 minutes away, and they will help her get better. I strongly recommend it. What Callie has –clinical depression- isn't easy to treat, it takes intensive therapy and medication. I've called Two Rivers to let them know you're coming with Callie. I'm sorry." She said to them and then left them alone to bask in the knowledge that they just got.
They turned to look at each other, glad the kids were out of the room, "Have you heard of Two Rivers?" Lena asked Stef.
Stef nodded, "Yeah. It looks like a nice place. I had to pick a kid up from there once because of a major fight that escalated into someone being in a coma." Lena nodded, and then took her hand.
"How are we going to tell the kids?"
Stef thought about it for a moment and then said, "The truth, Lena. They deserve to know. Well the older 3, I don't know about Jude."
Lena nodded, agreeing with her and then seeing the children walking back from the cafeteria with food. "Mom, what happened?" Mariana asked, sensing the tension in the room, one she could cut with a knife.
They looked at each other and sighed, asking Jude to go get something at the gift shop for Callie, with a nurse escorting him.
Jude knew something was up, but decided to let the adults talk about it. He didn't really want to know. He just wanted Callie to get better.
"Guys, Callie is going to be gone for a while- she's going to a psychiatric hospital-"
Mariana interrupted, "Like a mental hospital? For the insane. For the people that hear voices and think that they're God. That hospital?" Mariana said.
They sighed, "Yes, a mental hospital as some would call it. But they specialize in the illness Callie has, Depression. It's the best for all of us, alright? She's leaving tomorrow, so take your time to say your goodbyes, for now." Stef and Lena left them alone, by Callie's room and went to go get something from the vending machine.
Jesus and Mariana went at the same time, holding hands, both nervous as what to say.
Callie was laying in her bed, playing with her bandages. "Let me guess, the moms told you I'm going to a psychiatric hospital?" Callie said bluntly, taking them by surprise.
Jesus nodded, "Yeah. How did you know?" He sat on the chair.
Callie scoffed, "I've seen people from the system get taken there. I've been there once." Callie whispered the last part, making the twins wonder what she was there for. But they didn't ask.
Mariana nodded awkwardly, "Don't worry, we didn't tell Jude about what you did- done. He's oblivious, for now. It's up to you if you want to tell him the truth or not."
Callie thought about it for a minute then shook her head, "No. He doesn't- shouldn't- need to know."
Mariana nodded and then Jesus said something, "Callie. I'll miss you, I hope you get better soon. Not just for us, but for Jude. He's an awesome, little dude, but he'll be so lost without you. Get better for him." Jesus reminded her and then patted her arm and then left.
Mariana said, "Yeah, what Jesus said. Get better, Callie. Don't worry, no one at school will know- I'll make up a lie."
"Thanks" Callie said, giving her a quick hug.
When they left, Callie got a drink of water and then Brandon came into the room. Sitting down by her bed, "So… I guess you heard the news?" He asked her. She nodded. "Well, I'm glad you're getting help." Callie's lip tensed but didn't say anything, letting Brandon take the reins on this talk.
Brandon saw her face, "Callie, you need help. A normal person wouldn't have tried to kill themselves. There is nothing wrong with getting help; you'll still always have a place in my heart." Brandon teased, putting her damaged hand on his heart. "You'll always be my Callie, no matter what."
Callie had tears in her eyes and one fell down her cheek, he wiped it away. "I'm sorry, Brandon. I'm so, so sorry." And when Brandon responded back to her in such a calm, understanding voice that she broke, her wall crumbled down; as if Brandon was finally the one to break it down, unleashing all of her inner demons. Brandon held her while she cried, whispering sweet nothings into her ear.
Brandon comforted her until she cried herself to sleep. Brandon gently laid her head back down and then kissed her forehead before leaving the room, and waiting for his family in the waiting room. "She's asleep. She's making progress." He spoke, before hugging all of them.
Jude interrupted, "Can I see Callie, or at least give her my bear I got for her?" Jude held up a small, brown furry teddy bear with a heart shirt with a fake card saying, Get better soon. Brandon nodded, opening the door for Jude. Letting him get some time alone with his older sister- his idol.
They all looked as tired as heck, as if they just ran a 100 mile marathon. "Let's wait till Jude finish up and then go home. Callie will be fine, guys." Stef reminded them, giving them a big group hug.
Jude walked in and joined the hug, "Why are we hugging?" He asked them, Brandon picking him up.
Brandon replied, "Because we're happy that we're alive." Jude smiled, hugging him and then engaging in another big family hug.
They broke apart and then made their way to the car, "No matter what, we will be with Callie no matter what. We're her family and we'll help her through this and all her demons." Lena spoke to them with finality and they all smiled, getting into their van and driving home, ready for the long road ahead for them.
"You think you want to die when in reality you want to be saved."
There it is... my story. To everyone who is thinking that Suicide is the answer, or is suffering from depression, self-harm, etc... I want you to know that you're not alone, and that there is always hope, no matter how bleak it may seem. I know suicide seems like a liable option- but it's not. It will impact your family, your friends, your community. It affects more people than you realize. I want you to know that you're never alone. I'm always here. Someone is ready to listen, to hear you vent.
If you feel like your life is in jepordy, or you just want to vent, to talk to something, please don't be afraid to call this number: 1-800.273.8255. They are always there to answer your call.
Your life is more important than you realize. I love you all and if you're going through any of these things- I'm sorry. I've known what you've gone through since i've been through it also. I'm always here to talk. Always. No matter how small/big your problems are.
I love you all and thank you for reading this long authors note.
Love, always.
Lauren.
