A/N: I love Hanna to bits, and I feel like she might think this way since she doesn't really think about who she offends when she says certain things. Kinda short but I like it, and I hope you do too! RxR!
I really should start thinking before I talk. I'm such an idiot sometimes, it's really ridiculous.
I know I'm not always the most sensitive person but that's just who I am. You can't change me, I'm just me. Am I supposed to apologize for being a bitch half the time? Well sorry buddy, because it ain't gonna happen.
But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings at all. Sometimes I say the dumbest things- and honestly, I do like to blame it on my hair color most of the time. I admit, sometimes, I do go too far when I tease my friends. Especially Spencer. I'd never admit it to her but sometimes I get this vibe from her.
Shut up and back off. Funny, that's the same vibe she gave Ali. I always try and play it off but it makes me kind of paranoid. Maybe I am just like Ali. Maybe I'm next on A's hit list.
Oh God.
And Aria and Emily? They make me feel like an idiot sometimes. They always give me that look you know? The one when I say the first thing that pops into my head and they just look at me like I'm below them or something. Like I can't keep up with them since I said something so stupid. Sometimes the other girls make me feel like I don't belong.
Like I'm Hefty Hanna all over again.
But I'm not. I'm different now. I'm slim and healthy. I'm confident.
So why do I still feel like crap when I say these things? When I make jokes, or speak my mind? Why do I spend every night regretting the things I said to the point where it makes me sick to my stomach? To the point where I almost want to purge again?
I just feel so alone sometimes, even with the others. I can't handle being by myself very well, but being with the others isn't much of an upgrade. I always feel so small. So stupid. So alone.
It's been that way since Ali died. She was the one that understood me. She was the one who helped me fit in. She cared. She wanted me to belong.
But that bitch A went and took her away from me. At least, I think it was A who killed her.
Man, I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who understood me. Someone who didn't make me feel like every time I open my mouth I'm gonna shove my foot in it.
It's not even like I mean it, I just say these things. And it's not like no one else was thinking it right? So why should I have to keep quiet about it? Isn't it bad to do that? After all, sitting on the sidelines is how I became bulimic in the first place.
...But you see, that's what scares me. It's those hurtful things people said to me that made me want to throw up. It's the constant insensitivity from everyone that made me feel like there was something wrong with me. And when you add that to the fact that my best friends have been beautiful their whole lives, on top of them all being smarter and nicer than me? That led me to my breaking point.
But I'm getting distracted.
Like I was saying, I became the way I was because people didn't think before they said those things to me... Or maybe they did, who knows? They were cruel either way. But isn't that the same thing I'm doing? What if when I say these horrible things, I'm leading some other girl- or guy- to their breaking point? Holy shit, what if it's not an eating disorder that I drive someone to?
What if I make someone self harm?
Or anti-social?
Or even suicidal?
Oh God, I feel sick to my stomach all over again.
Wonderful.
...Maybe I should just stop talking altogether.
