Trust in Love
by Joan Powers
Author's Notes:
(1) This story was written in 1995, as a sequel to A Matter of Trust.
(2) Thanks to Chris and Alyssa for their advice
Type: drama, D/D angst, D/D romance
Summary: After Uly has been taken by the Terrians, how will Devon cope?
Timeline/Spoilers: "Survival of the Fittest", follows my story "A Matter of Trust" AU
Rating: K+
Chapter 1
It was the day after the Terrians had taken Uly. A hush had fallen over the camp that morning as the Eden Advance crew anxiously awaited the rising of their leader, Devon Adair. Many had lingered about the Main Dome, drinking coffee and attempting to make small talk while furtively sneaking glances towards the entrance of the room. Other than Yale and Danziger, none of the others had spoken with Devon since it had happened. They were concerned that Devon would be angry or disappointed with them. Or worse, that she would be despondent over her absent son.
Julia considered checking on Devon herself, with the justification of examining her health, but the doctor realized that her patient needed rest. The poor woman was physically and emotionally exhausted. It had scared her to see the seemly indomitable Devon Adair in that state. An event like this could damage her psychologically. Julia shuddered to consider that option in any detail. Human emotions were not her area of expertise.
But she was learning, she thought as she smiled, gazing across the room to meet Alonzo's welcoming eyes. Last night as she lay with her body intertwined with Alonzo's, they'd reviewed the events of that day and come to the conclusion that the group couldn't have done anything differently. Evidently Devon had felt the same way, since she allowed Uly to accompany the Terrians.
Yet, how was she dealing with the absence (though only temporary) of her beloved son?
XXXXXXX
Danziger entered the Main Dome with True following close behind him. They murmured their hellos and proceeded to get some breakfast. Last night, Danziger had held Devon until she had fallen asleep in his arms, then he placed her into her bed and covered her with a blanket. He casually surveyed the Dome room to see if she'd joined the others yet. He was concerned about her.
While she seemed to have convinced herself that the Terrians weren't going to harm Uly, a gap was created in her life by his absence. A void which could overwhelm her. Danziger was all too well acquainted with this feeling. He kept a watchful eye out for her.
XXXXXX
Within a few minutes, Devon entered the Main Dome. On the surface, she appeared to be composed, her color was no longer alabaster and her hair was neatly groomed. Only her eyes were bright and she didn't hold direct eye contact with anyone to prevent them from catching a glimpse of her pain. She omitted any preamble, fully aware that all eyes in the room were all ready on her,
"Yesterday we did what was right. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. We are establishing our future on this planet here and now. We have to learn to trust those we share the planet with and also try to learn from them as well. Uly..." her voice cracked, "is a brave boy with a very special mission. I'm proud of him and he will return to us with many new thoughts and ideas. This is a wonderful opportunity for him and all of us. So we should continue with business as usual and make him proud of us as well."
Some of the crew members exchanged confused glances. This wasn't quite what they expected. But their leader had the appearance of normality which lent comfort to the colonists and eased some of the tension in the room. Before anyone could comment, she obtained a cup of coffee and moved toward the door.
Danziger grabbed her sleeve, "Are you okay?"
She avoided his gaze, "I'm fine." Then she left the room before he could say another word.
Danziger was hurt and confused by Devon's withdrawal from him. He had put himself on the line by going to her last night and this was how she responded? Frustrated, he cursed himself for his actions and decided not to deal with her.
XXXXXX
"Devon", Julia called out as she hurried to follow the woman across the camp. Devon paused and waited for her to catch up. Employing her professional demeanor she inquired, "How are you feeling? Any headache or dizziness?"
"I'm a little tired but otherwise I'm all right Julia" she replied.
Dr. Heller didn't fully believe her, but she didn't want to pry. "Do you need to talk?" the younger woman extended the invitation to her friend.
It was flatly denied. As much as Devon had grown to trust Dr. Heller's medical skills and value her friendship, she couldn't open up to her or any one else for that matter. It wasn't her way.
Julia was aware that Devon was carrying a heavy burden, yet she didn't want to share it. So she respected her privacy. "Just let me know, anytime" she emphasized. She resisted her uncharacteristic impulse to hug the older woman, sensing it would not be welcome at this time.
XXXXXX
Devon continued to wander about the perimeter of the camp, pondering how she was going to deal with Uly's absence. What she'd told the group and how she actually felt were two entirely different matters. Yet it was important to maintain a brave face for the Eden Advance crew and conceal her fears. She was their leader so she had to set a positive example.
Worries about her boy were threatening to fill her mind. How could she stop thinking about him so she wouldn't go crazy? In the past, submerging herself in her work had always helped to distract her from her worries. But life on this planet had a slightly different structure than her furiously paced station life style. She would cope as she always had by burying her fears inside of her and not sharing her feelings with anyone, except Yale.
But what should she do about Danziger?
John's gesture the night before had deeply touched her. It scared the hell out her that she'd clung to him so helplessly. She'd hurt him that morning but she was confused by the emotions he stirred up in her and horrified that he'd seen her in such a vulnerable state. She didn't want to need or depend on anybody.
Her parents had taught her to be self-reliant. She had relationships with men and enjoyed sex but she liked to be in control of her own life. She couldn't imagine anyone being in control of John Danziger. Ironically enough, she admitted that was part of the attraction to him as well.
She remembered the challenge blazing in his eyes during those first days on the planet when he objected to her decision to travel to New Pacifica and insisted that she take a vote before proceeding. At that moment she was aware that he was a force to be reckoned with. Very few people had ever questioned her authority. And a mechanic? It was impossible for her to think of him in those terms anymore. In fact, lately she'd caught herself thinking of him quite differently.
When the scouting party from the failed cargo pod #9 retrieval mission had pulled into camp, she was so overjoyed to see John alive and well that she ran straight to him and had to make a conscious effort not to throw her arms around him.
Yet, for the most part she hadn't allowed herself to consider her attraction to Danziger any further. She had too many other pressing concerns - food, shelter, Uly, the Eden Advance crew, and the colony ship. Her life was full and she didn't have time or the need to pursue romantic relationships.
Besides, the process of building those types of relationships involved taking risks. By avoiding getting closer to Danziger, she'd protected herself from getting hurt. She learned that trick early on from her parents. As a small child, she'd been crushed by their lack of attention to her. She didn't want to let anyone else have that kind of power over her again.
Memories of being held in John's strong arms flooded her mind and filled her with longing. Damn, but she had felt incredibly safe and secure in his embrace last night. As much as she loved Yale, he couldn't convey the same sense of comfort that John did. She was strongly tempted to continue what John had initiated and accept his support as she did last night but she didn't completely trust him or herself.
XXXXXX
Over a week had passed and Devon had kept true to her plan of keeping busy. She organized and accompanied groups to search for food sources and scout for passes through the mountains, inventoried stocks, supervised maintenance on the vehicles and gear electronics, and even revised her own designs for the New Pacifica colony housing. Her hard-as-nails business cover was firmly in place, though many now recognized it for the mask it was.
Her conversations were cursory, sticking to noncommittal subjects like the weather, work details, or supplies. She tended to avoid individuals, hiding within a group or traipsing off by herself. She especially avoided Bess, who gave her such pity-filled glances that Devon wanted to slap her silly.
She didn't want their pity. She didn't want anything from them except to maintain the charade that everything was normal.
Of course it wasn't.
She found herself expecting to see Uly practically every moment of the day. It was quite unnerving. She and Yale had commiserated about this. As always, Yale acted as her surrogate father, consoling her and reminding her to get proper nutrition and sleep. He encouraged her to open up to the others and share her feelings, but she was resistant to this idea.
Her Teacher had been her only confidant when she was growing up. As an adult, she rapidly discovered that most people who claimed to desire her friendship usually had ulterior motives. As a result, she was hesitant to trust others with her feelings.
Night time was better for Devon in some respects because she didn't have to deal with the other colonists - it took a lot of energy to maintain her facade of bravery. Many nights she allowed herself to give in to her fears and quietly sobbed into her pillow. Only then did she permit herself to imagine what was happening with her child. Was he safe? Were they taking good care of him. He was such a young boy - was he scared to be alone with them? Did he miss her?
She missed him terribly. She'd never been apart from him for this long and she didn't know how much more she could stand. But even when she ran out of tears, the pain was still there.
She'd been hopeful that Uly would contact her in the Dream Plane, as Sheppard had done. Much to her displeasure, she hadn't received any such messages.
She kept reminding herself that the Terrians had good intentions. It was because of them that he was alive. They weren't going to harm him because they needed him too, Uly was the link between their species. And the Terrains knew how to care for human children - they'd practically raised Mary.
Yet her brain was not completely successful in convincing her heart of this. She experienced difficulty sleeping and began to meander about the camp late at night to avoid Uly's empty bed and her disappointment that one more night had passed and Uly hadn't contacted her.
As she walked about one night, she saw John Danziger on guard duty. He raised his hand to acknowledge her presence then turned away. She fought her sudden urge to walk towards him and continued on her originally intended path.
XXXXXX
Danziger wondered what Devon was up to. It wasn't a good idea for her to be wandering around by herself late at night. But he restrained himself from approaching her, backing away to offer her privacy.
Beyond brief exchanges, she hadn't spoken with him since that night they'd spent together. It infuriated him that he still felt so drawn to her despite her recent behavior towards him. He figured it must be because he could relate to her loss as a parent and also understand the grieving process she was dealing with after his experience with Elle.
Regardless of her attempts to disguise it, her anguish over Uly was tangible and disturbing to him. He wanted to disregard Devon completely and focus only on the happiness and well-being of his little girl.
Yet, he'd promised Sheppard that he would watch out for Devon. In addition, her words "I hate to admit how much I've come to depend on that man and maybe more" had a nasty habit of sounding in his head at inopportune moments, causing his heart beat to race.
He didn't understand Devon. She was like a flame that was exciting and seductive, full of passion and beautiful to look at, but capable of burning those that came too close.
XXXXXX
Several days had passed. Funny, Devon had never really kept track of time in this fashion before. She wanted to will all the days to pass by so she could get her boy back. But that could be a long time.
It wasn't getting any easier.
She'd thought she would grow used to his absence and develop some 'scar tissue'. Instead, it still felt like a fresh wound.
After tossing and turning in her bed for a few hours, she decided to go for a walk. Generally, she was afraid of the dark but the stars and twin moons presented sufficient illumination to subdue her fears.
Once again, Danziger was on duty. Though it was against her better judgment, she gave into her inclination and approached him.
"What are you doing up?" he asked.
"Can't sleep."
They stood by the fire in silence. John continued to peer about the camp and Devon lost herself staring at the stars. It was foolish, but she felt comforted by his physical presence.
XXXXXX
Another night, she encountered Danziger again. Her mind accused her of doing this on purpose, after all she was the one who set up the guard roster. They nodded a silent greeting, then she gazed at the stars.
She wondered what was happening back at the Stations now. Would her father still be alive after she had traveled 22 light years? Who would be there to carry on her family name? Or maybe her father had finally remarried and had another heir.
Strangely enough, it didn't matter to her anymore. All the rules had changed, forever.
Her father had been furious with her to consider such an odyssey and at one point refused to support her venture to G889. When he realized she could obtain the finances without his backing, he acquiesced but never truly accepted her decision. He'd encouraged her to forget about Uly and place him in a hospital then attempt to have a normal child.
Her hands clenched as she recalled her anger at his heartless attitude. At least she was a better parent than hers had been. Or was she?
What kind of mother would let her young child go live with aliens, her thoughts taunted her.
Lack of sleep had created a crack in her confidence. Memories of John's actions that fateful night prodded her to reach out to him, "John, am I a good mother?"
Taken aback, John considered the question, "Sure. Why do you ask?"
"Because it's important." She became braver and expressed her true thoughts, "Because I never felt like my parents loved me so I wanted it to be different for my child."
"What do you consider a good parent to be?" he asked.
She boldly plowed ahead, mentioning the first example that came to her head, "Like you. You're always there for True. You protect her and have a good relationship with her. You're a team and she knows you love her."
John averted his eyes, "Don't do yourself a disservice Adair. You managed to organize a mission to travel 22 light years across the solar system because you loved your child." He continued, with conviction in his tone, "Uly knows you love him and you did what you felt was best."
Devon fled.
XXXXXX
That night Danziger was manning a later guard shift. All of the Eden Advance crew took turns at the different shifts. That way every one had an equal opportunity to disrupt a good night's sleep. Only Julia and the children were excluded, and for the time being - Devon. She'd protested this, not wanting any special privileges, but it was tacitly agreed that she was too distracted to adequately serve to protect the camp.
He was curious if his occasional night visitor would be returning. Sure enough, there she is. She must not be getting much sleep, he thought. He remained quiet and waited for her to set to the tone.
"Did you ever imagine that you would be living on a planet where you could see such beautiful stars?" she asked wistfully while scanning the panorama.
"Not really" Danziger remembered during his tour of duty in the service on Earth that a permanent haze had impeded any star gazing activity there.
Rather solemnly, Devon commented, "Nothing ever goes quite the way you plan."
John tightened his grip on the Mag-Pro to prevent himself from reaching out to her. In an attempt to bolster her spirits he encouraged her, "Don't give up Devon. Despite all the obstacles, we've made it this far." She shared a weak smile with him, appreciating his efforts. He reminded her, "And Uly's been healed."
She considered his words, "You're right. I shouldn't take that for granted. If we were still at the Stations, Uly'd be...gone." She paused, remembering those days, "You know, I think I realized that Uly wasn't healthy within days after bringing him home from the hospital. But I couldn't face it, so I denied it and tried to convince myself that he was just growing a little slower than the average child. When he was a few months old, still not putting on weight and had a continual cough, I was forced to confront my worst fears and take him to Dr. Vasquez for an exam.
Of course he confirmed what I dreaded. That Uly had the Syndrome. That there was no cure. That my baby wouldn't live past his ninth birthday and would require almost constant care... " She absently brushed away a tear that had rolled down her face then continued, "Dr. Vasquez insisted that I leave him at the hospital, but I refused. I actually grabbed Uly and ran out of the examining room like some kind of crazy lady. I wasn't about to leave my child with strangers."
This sounded like the Devon Adair he knew. He couldn't even imagine what she'd been through, "So how did you manage to care for Uly?"
Devon explained, "I hired the best help I could find, at least my money was good for something. Of course Yale and I did a lot of the work ourselves as well, monitoring Uly's life signs and maintaining his immunosuit. I don't know what I would have done without Yale."
John hadn't really thought about Devon's day to day life on the Stations, "How did you manage your companies? Doesn't seem like you'd have time."
She offhandedly mentioned, "I designated managers to head the boards and they reported back to me on a periodic basis. Most of the conferencing I could do via gear at my home. I didn't even have to leave my unit. Uly was far more important to me than any corporation." He smiled. She stated, "I knew I had to do everything I possibly could to save him."
"And you did" John added softly.
She sighed then changed gears, "Were you scared when you found out you were going to be a father?"
That one threw him for a loop. So much had been going on then. "Yeah..It was unexpected." He wasn't about to tell her about Elle but since she had access to his personal file, she probably knew some of the details.
She responded, "I was scared too. I hadn't planned on having a child at that time. Uly's father was a wonderful man, but I knew we had no future together. He wanted things I couldn't give him - a wife to devote all of her time to him and his projects and there I was at the height of my career as a station designer and the head of my own company."
"What made you decide to go through with it?"
"The minute I found out I was pregnant I felt different. Special. I was terrified of making mistakes but Uly was all ready a part of me, changing my life."
He hoped he wasn't putting his foot in his mouth but he'd been curious, "What happened with his father?"
"That relationship was essentially over before Uly was conceived. Of course I let him know, but he had moved on to another relationship and was more interested in having children with his new lover. As far as I was concerned it was great that I didn't have to share my baby with any one and I had Yale to stand by my side...What made you decide to go ahead and be a single father?"
Something in the tone of her voice indicated to Danziger that God only knows how but she knew about Elle and the accident. Since Devon had been honest with him he felt he owed her likewise. He treaded carefully and replied with some difficulty, "It was the only part of her I had left." She placed her hand over one of his larger ones and squeezed it gently. "I wouldn't trade that kid for anything in the world."
XXXXXX
During another late night guard shift, Danziger rested by the camp fire. Devon hadn't been by during his last few shifts. He wondered if it was because she was sleeping better or she regretted what she'd shared with him during her last visit.
It amazed him that during the day Devon maintained her cool front with him, as if their nocturnal conversations never existed. He berated himself for playing along with her games, but he found it difficult to resist her.
She had returned. By the light of the fire, John could see that the dark circles under her eyes were becoming permanent fixtures. "Sleeping any better?"
She shook her head. "John, does it ever get any easier?"
He knew exactly what she was talking about. He tried to reassure her, "Eventually. It takes a long time. The pain gets duller but it never completely fades away. It becomes a part of you." Feeling uncomfortable, Danziger changed the focus of their conversation, "But Uly will come back to you." He was shocked to hear the optimistic Devon Adair faintly reply,
"I hope so."
XXXXXX
Shortly before noon, Alonzo burst into the Dome screaming for Devon. He had just returned from a scouting trip.
"What is it?" Devon asked, wondering why Alonzo was so excited.
"The Terrians dreamed to me last night. They showed me where Uly was and indicated that we should come for him."
Her mouth dropped open and she stared at him in disbelief, "What? Are you sure?" She wondered why they hadn't contacted her directly. He nodded vigorously while a large grin crept across his face,
"Get ready to go and I'll get the coordinates together for you."
She rushed to her room to throw some supplies together.
Within minutes, Yale joined her with a relieved smile on his face and embraced her. "Thank God. I'm so pleased. Do you want me to come with you?" he asked.
"No, I'll bring Danziger."
After she had finished packing she hurried back to the Main Dome where the other Eden Crew members were waiting. Danziger pulled her aside as she entered and adamantly insisted, "Devon, I'm going with you."
"Of course you are" she responded to him, then turned to ask, "Alonzo, how far away is this place?"
He and Yale were consulting a holographic map projected from Yale's robotic arm. Alonzo advised, "Probably take at least a day to get there, assuming the terrain is appropriate for the Rail - we haven't scouted out some of this territory before. Devon, even though our weather has been getting warmer you might have to worry about snow, especially since it's north of here. Better bring a tent, lots of blankets, and extra rations. It could get pretty cold out there."
Devon only half listened to his warnings. Uly was coming back! Her heart was singing and she could finally smile.
Yale and Alonzo tried to convince her to wait until the next morning to begin the trip, so they'd have more daylight travel time, but their attempts were futile. Devon was going and no one could stop her. The Eden Advance crew had the Dune-Rail loaded and ready in less than fifteen minutes.
TBC
