Here's my station (English Version)

Disclaimer : All the characters belong to CBS

Note : The story takes place between the end of season 2 and just after episode 3X11 What Went Wrong.

This fanfiction is the english translation of an original french version. English is not my mother's tongue and I apologize in advance for an eventually not correct / good english

The title of this fanfiction comes from the song « Saint Claude » performed by french singer Christine and the Queens. I probably listened to it a million times while writing.

This fic is M rated because, I confess, I can't write anything else these days -) . Seriously, it implies sex between women in future chapters and the use of sex toys.

Special thanks : My dear Jo, you're the best beta reader, ever. Thank you so much for your suggestions and for your time. I couldn't do it without you ^_^

I.

Here's my station

Here's my station

But if you say just one word

I'll stay with you

The first feeling hitting her is incomprehension. It takes her brain 30 seconds to assimilate the information, treat it, and classify it in the « High treason » category. Quickly, hate and sorrow follow. Hate for both of them, sorrow only when she thinks about what Kalinda just broke. Peter cannot make her really sad because there is nothing left to save between them. It's almost easier actually.

When she tells Kalinda she knows everything, hate and sorrow are so strong they become physical. Alicia wants to rip her throat out, to hit her, to hurt her the same way Kalinda hurt her. She wants her to bleed the same way her heart bleeds.

The days, the weeks that follow, it's not exactly as if hate disappeared, but it trails away and becomes dull anger. And despair. She feels deeply angry every time Kalinda enters her field of view. It's a strong feeling, almost palpable, which makes her feel and hear her heartbeat in her ears.

Despair is when, just after her brief relationship with Will, she is completely alone, at home, without her kids or a friend to call for a drink. Because Kalinda used to be that friend you can call anytime for a drink or two or ten. She's desperate because, if she is completely honest with herself, she must admit that she misses her. Even after all she's done.

After this despair she didn't see coming, comes two other strange feelings : Jealousy and something near gratitude. At this point, she's smart enough to understand the mourning process took a strange path. But her ego is too strong yet to admit something went the wrong way… Or the best. Who knows… ?

Jealousy, is when she suspects Cary and Kalinda could be more than just friends. She shouldn't be caring so much about them. But it hurts. And makes her angry, irrepressibly…

Gratitude, is when she discovers what Kalinda did for her, for Grace, the day her daughter disappeared for hours. It's tainted with anger because she doesn't like the importance of Kalinda, after all she did to throw her out of her life. She truly wants Kalinda far away from her family, from her life, from her thoughts. And especially from those embarrassing thoughts she experiences every night for a while now.

But, she takes Kalinda out of the police station anyway. And before that, she gets worked up against Cary, like a wolf defending her cubs. When she sees her, she feels like she's looking at her for the first time. Or as if it was…different.

There. At this specific moment, she knows they need to talk. Or at least, she needs to talk and she needs Kalinda to listen. She doesn't know why yet.

But in the car, the words she's looking for don't want to come. Instead, it's anger again, thanks from the tip of her lips, and Kalinda hurting her again when she tells her that she hasn't changed, she's still the same as « before ». Yet, the few minutes they spend together in that car comfort Alicia in the fact that despite EVERYTHING that happened, EVERYTHING she doesn't yet understand, despite anger, she needs Kalinda back in her life.

Back at the office, she is snapped up by work until 7 pm. She finds the time – actually she finds the courage – to slip into Kalinda's office and to say, as quickly as possible :

« - I'd like to talk to you.

Kalinda raises an eyebrow and looks at her silently for what seems like a whole minute. Then she sighs and simply, slightly, she nods.

Obviously, she understands that Alicia doesn't want to talk about work, and that she doesn't want to talk right here and right now but later that night, in a neutral place. Alicia is both terrified by Kalinda's silence and approval. She says, quickly again, holding her breath again :

« -What about 9 pm tonight, in that little bar we wanted to try… Before… Near the courthouse ?

-Ok. »

Kalinda is so easy to persuade it's almost shady. Alicia stop speaking, tries to smile but can't. She turns back and rejoins her office, her legs quivering just a little. She flabbily asks herself if the butterflies in her stomach are part of a mourning process. She knows they are not. Anyway, she doesn't really care. Even, she manages to smile to herself.

{…}

When they're facing each other in that just-a-little-too-silent bar, in their just-a-little-too-cozy armchairs, they both think it was not a good idea after all. They don't look at each other, they don't talk, they just keep staring at their tequila shots. Alicia knows she initiated the meeting. And she must admit it's a disaster. She drinks her first drink in one go and orders a second one immediately, changes her mind and asks for two at a time. Then she gets into the talk, because she has to.

« -Thank you for coming.

-No problem. »

Alicia feels a coil of anger wrapping around her diffuse nervosity. Kalinda won't help her tonight.

« -Look…I know that a flash back to what we had is not possible. But… Should we… Try something else ? Become Someone for each other again ?

There is a silence. So long Alicia starts to believe she spoke in her head. Kalinda has her nervous twitch biting her lower lip. She finally looks up at Alicia and says :

« -You never stopped being Someone to me. »

There. Not only doesn't she help her, but instead she makes things harder. Alicia drinks her second and third shot of tequila too fast. She orders another one, telling herself maybe it's not a good idea to drunken her mind. But she also thinks it would be easier if the waiter let the bottle on their table.

« -What I'm trying to say Kalinda… It's… Oh damn it ! »

She's angry, tired and sad. She wants to get up, to grab Kalinda's shoulders to force her into looking her in the eyes. She wants to shake her and to scream « For God's sake, help me ! » She doesn't do such. Instead, she closes her eyes, takes three deep breaths and says softly, slowly :

« -I miss you »

Kalinda's hand stops meddling nervously on her glass. She freezes outwardly while her heart implodes inside.

« I mean… I couldn't augur this Kalinda. I miss you in my life. And it's not as if it was a pleasure to admit it. To me, to you, to anyone… »

She stops because there's a sob trapped in her throat. And because she can tell Kalinda is shaken. She drinks another shot of tequila, calls the waiter and on an impulse of courage, she grabs Kalinda's hand. The touch is strange, as if snow could burn.

« -It hurts me to admit that I need you like that. Because after all that went wrong, I could only want to forget you. But it's beyond my control. I need you back in my life and I need your help to rebuild… »

Kalinda's hand is trembling lightly in her own. The same way a chin trembles when someone is about to cry. Her eyes meet Alicia's.

« -What am I supposed to do with that ? »

Her voice is not as tough as she would have wanted. Alicia says, shyly

« -Maybe the first thing to ask is : Do you miss me ? »

Kalinda sighs. It's both relief and anger. Although, Alicia can hear it in Kalinda's words :

« -Alicia… Don't you see anything ? Don't you understand anything ? Don't you even listen to signs ? Since the beginning, since before, during AND after this day, I never stopped trying to seek for your forgiveness. Since the very first day we met. »

She takes her hand back, grabs her jacket and stands up to leave. She's angry and her chin trembles slightly when she says :

«-Telling you I miss you would be below the truth… »

She has this look Alicia never saw before, expressing a thousand feelings. From the most painful to the most tender, from the brightest to the darkest. She turns and walks to the bar entrance when Alicia stands up, unsteadily, and calls her with something tipsy, something chipped in her voice :

« Kalinda, please… »

Kalinda really wants to go. To leave her there. For her to understand that, damn it, she's not the only one regretting what was lost. But here, she turns back to Alicia because she can tell by her posture and voice that Alicia is nearly drunk and almost lost. And, even if she'll never admit it, there also is the promise that things could get better. She sits, sketchs a smile – the first since before – and she says gently

« -Finish your glass, I'll drive you home. »

Alicia's gaze challenges her, and she takes another shot, because the waiter finally left them the bottle. She fills Kalinda's glass and says :

« -Just one last.»

They look at each other, without a word. Certainly, they are suffering, a lot. But they're together and it's all that matters for the moment.

Finally, after this shot, there are many others. Because Alicia needs them, and because they don't really want to go home. After what could be Alicia's 10th tequila, Kalinda pays the bill, grabs Alicia's hand and says :

« -Come on, we'd better go. »

Something in Alicia's look scares her. Too much alcohol, too many tears about to fall, and what looks like desire. She's sure about that last one, and she's frightened because Alicia is so vulnerable tonight. And Kalinda is so lost emotionally…

She helps her put on her coat, slides an arm under hers and drives her to her own car. Alicia protests mildly :

« -I can't let my car parked here…

-You'll get it back tomorrow morning.

-You're as drunk as I am.

-No I'm not. Come on, climb in the car. »

She nearly carries her to the passenger's seat

{…}

When she parks her car at Alicia's building, she's aware she'll have to help her to her apartment : Alicia is snoring softly near her, she wouldn't be able to find her keys… Inthe elevator, Alicia's entire body is pressed against Kalinda. Who is shivering while telling herself God, why, how did I put myself in this situation…

Before opening Alicia's door, she asks softly :

«- Are your kids…your husband here ? »

Alicia considers for long seconds before whispering

« -No kids… They're at Peter's place. »

She breathes with relief, opens the door and says :

« -There. You're home and safe now. I'd better go. »

Alicia fully opens her eyes. She tightens her grip on Kalinda's hand and mutters :

« -No. »

In the Tequila's mist that makes every thought hard, she can tells Kalinda is ill at ease. She tries to form a sentence in her head and says :

« -Everything's spinning… Accompany me to my room. Please… »

Kalinda sighs again and closes her eyes to manage the surge of emotions in her head. She's probably living the weirdest night of her whole life. She drags Alicia to her room. Alicia sits on the bed, takes her shoes off, rolls up on the still made bed and sighs with ease. Kalinda stays here, imagining more than watching her in the dark.

She wouldn't have believed it if someone had told her this morning. She smiles in the dark, represses the need to caress the long hair scattered on the pillow. She turns away to leave as silently as possible when a small sleepy voice stops her :

« -Kalinda ?

She mutters :

« -Yes ?

-Please… Stay.»

That neither, she wouldn't have believed it before tonight. She gets around the bed and sits. She doesn't think. About anything. She's exhausted. She takes off her leather boots and jacket, undoes her hairs and lies down on the bed. As close to the edge as possible. She rests on her back, hands on her belly. Half an hour later, she's still awake, adjusting to the dark, focused on her breathing. She doesn't want to think.

She feels a shy hand resting on hers. If she hadn't been so tired, she'd probably have jumped. With strength, Alicia catches her and holds her against her. She mutters in her ear, half sleep :

« -Thank you. »

She feels Alicia's tears on her shoulder. Kalinda surrounds her with her left arm, bringing her even closer. Alicia sighs and falls asleep instantly. A few seconds later, Kalinda joins her in a foggy but soft sleep.