DEEP – I. Deep Down by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. Daniel has a serious talk with Jack.
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

Deep Down

Chapter 1

Daniel had noticed before. It had been a constant in the last years and he somehow had understood it. He had tried many times to address the problem, to find a solution, to help. It had been fruitless. However, now it was affecting Sam and that he could not live with. He needed to do something.

He asked for a short leave –he did not want the SGC to find a good excuse to bring him back during the weekend– and he took a plane to D.C. He got a room in a hotel near Jack's house because he did not want to impose on his friend; he had not even called to tell him about his coming to Washington. Besides, he was not sure that Jack would still be talking to him after he confronted him.

On Friday evening he went by a local market and got a pack of Jack's favorite beer. Then, he picked up a couple of pizzas and drove his rental car toward the outskirts of town. He had already been twice to the small house Jack had bought in the tranquil neighborhood. He knew his way well.

Near 7:00 he parked his car on the opposite side of the street in front of Jack's place. He wanted to be sure that his friend had no other guests. He rang the bell and Jack's face showed how surprised he was as soon as he opened the door.

"Hey, I was driving by and-"

"Daniel? What are you doing here?"

"Just visiting. Brought some beer and pizza…"

Jack helped him with his packages and soon they were installed in the living room. For a while they talked about how everything was going at the SGC and how hard it still was for Jack to survive the every day bureaucracy at the Pentagon. They had had many talks before about why Jack thought he had to be there and how beneficial for everybody at the SGC that was, but Daniel had always thought there was something else that Jack did not want to talk about.

After a couple of beers –Daniel had not even finished the first one– Jack finally had to ask.

"Now, Daniel, are you going to tell me why you're here and why you didn't even bring any luggage?"

"I'm staying at a hotel near here." Jack did not even blink, but Daniel felt he was asking for a better explanation. "I didn't want to impose-" Jack made a small gesture to refute him, "more than I will with what I have to say." Jack sat back on the sofa and waited. "The truth is I came because I needed to talk to you, really talk to you, and I couldn't let it go any longer."

"About?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"What about me?"

"Do you remember when we were in Abydos for the first time?"

"Yes," Jack answered with a questioning look.

"When we had our little conversation," Daniel moved uncomfortably in his armchair, "about wanting to die or wanting to live…"

"Yes," Jack said again with the same look.

"I know you really wanted to die then. I know how hard it had affected you to lose Charlie, because I know by my own experience-" He sighed and looked at his hands. "I have lost much, too."

"I know," Jack said softly.

Daniel raised his head and Jack saw that he had been trying –in vain– to keep the tears from his eyes. "But when I came back, when I was so lost after Sha're was taken, you had hope again. Even after you lost Sara, you had hope, and you shared it with me. I couldn't have gone through those times on my own. You were there every time I needed someone to lean on; you-"

"Daniel," Jack interrupted, keeping his eyes on the can of beer, "we've talked about this. We don't need to-"

"Jack, let me finish, please. It's more than that." Jack nodded and kept quiet. "Something happened later; I still don't know what. For a while I thought I had hurt you badly after what happened on Shyla's planet, and at the base when we came back, but by then you were still my best friend-"

"You mean I'm not anymore?"

"I don't know, Jack. Are we still friends?"

"I don't know why you'd ask such a dumb question."

"I'm not going to let it go tonight. I'm here to talk and I'm not leaving until everything has been said."

"What else do you have to say?"

"We're still talking about our friendship. What happened? I've tried to talk about it before, but you've always been reluctant to even mention it. Now, I want to know."

"Nothing happened, Daniel. We're still friends."

"But-"

"But nothing. I changed, not our relationship."

"When I ascended, the first time, I couldn't feel the connection anymore. There was something tenuous, like a memory of what we had shared."

"It was my problem, Daniel. It's always been me."

"You what?"

"I can't take it anymore. The losing, the killing, the dying… When I was in Ba'al's prison, I really wanted to die, once and for all. I just wanted it to be someone else's problem. I was done with it. I did my part; I tried my best. Enough."

"That's why you accepted to command the SGC and why you came here?"

"That's part of it. Daniel, I'm old, I'm tired. I have this emptiness inside me and nothing will ever fill it. I may have survived Charlie, but I'm not the same. I won't be ever again."

"Nobody is asking you to be the same, but it's been getting worse-"

"You don't understand, Daniel. I don't want to see more death around me. Every time I had to lie to a mother or a father about how their son or daughter died… Every time I saw the same pain in their eyes that I had inside and I knew it would never go away- I can't do it anymore, Daniel." Daniel tried to say something, but Jack stopped him and continued. "Ah, no. You wanted to know, you'll have to listen now. Everybody thinks that all that sarcasm and that hardness is an act, but it's not, Daniel. It's how I feel. I can't see the bright side like you do. I only see the dark one and the darker, too. When you disappeared the last time, when you died the last time, I just couldn't take it. Carter thinks I was optimistic. I was in denial; there was no way I was going to let you go. As long as I didn't know, you were out there, somewhere. I wasn't going to have another service for you; it would have killed me. That's why I had to get out of there. You've become my Charlie. You'll never replace him, but you have the place in my life that he should have had-" Daniel's eyes were full of tears and he could not talk. "And I let you get out there every day and risk your life for the greater good, for a bunch of people who don't even care. Do you understand? We put our lives on the line every minute and I can't see why it's worth it anymore. I just want to go to my cabin and forget about the Goa'uld, the Ori, the SGC, and everything else. But I can't, I have a duty, so I'll do it, but don't ask me to smile and be friendly. I need to be like this. I need to shut off every day when I get out of there and lose myself in a hockey game and a beer. It's my protection against madness."

"How can I help you?" Daniel asked containing the tears.

"That's it, you can't. Nobody can. I don't want help. I just don't want to have to think about it."

"That's escapism-"

"So what?"

"You're better than that."

"That's where you're wrong!" Jack yelled. "I'm not better than that! Carter and you have all these expectations from me. Just like Charlie and Sara. And I failed all of you-"

"If you've failed us, then we've failed you, Jack. We haven't been able to get through that shell you've created and help you."

"Daniel, I said it. You can't help, because I don't want to lose my shell. I want it to stay there and protect me from the pain."

"It's also separating you from the good things, from any happiness you could get."

"Like what?"

"What about Sam?"

"What about her?"

"Oh, come on, Jack. I know how you feel about her, even if we've never talked about it. And she feels the same way about you."

"She has told you that?"

"No, not exactly. I haven't asked about that. I didn't want to interfere. We talk about everything else, but I've always avoided this subject. I thought I was too near to give any good advice."

"Well, there will never be anything to talk about."

"Why? Why do you close yourself to a chance of happiness?"

"Daniel, I like Carter." He sighed. "I like Sam. I'll admit to that. I think she's an extraordinary woman, but I could never make her happy. I know it now."

"What has changed? All these years I've seen you two playing this game of mutual attraction, the looks, the words unsaid, the pauses-"

"That was just it, for both of us."

"Have you talked about it with her?"

"No and I won't either. It was good while it lasted. I kept the hope that someday I'd do something about it, but now I know it's not possible anymore."

"Now it is possible. Things have changed."

"It really doesn't matter. Have you ever though that if we had really wanted it badly enough any of us could have resigned the commission and let it happen? But we never did; there were too many other things that we thought were more important. And then, there was Pete."

"What about Pete? She left him for you."

"Ha! That's were you're wrong, my friend. She didn't leave him for me," Jack said with a strange smile.

"What do you mean?"

"That's when I put it all together. Kerry thought that Sam and I had something, but she was wrong, too. What Sam wants is a little house with a husband and children, just like anyone else. That's what Pete would have given her. She even talked to me about having children with him."

"You're right, she wants a family, but she wants you to be the head of that family."

"I can't give her that."

"Why not?"

"I told you. I can't go through that again. I won't risk it. I wouldn't survive another hit."

"That's cowardice! You're not going to take a chance to be happy for fear of losing it?"

"You have no right to tell me that. What have you risked lately besides your life? I know for a fact that you're not grieving for Sha're anymore, especially since you came back. Why haven't you gotten in a relationship yourself?"

"I don't even know any women, Jack. I'm always at my office or off-world-"

"There are plenty of women at the SGC if you wanted to do something about it. Some of them are quite smitten with you already," Jack replied with a broad smile.

"I don't have much in common with most of them-"

"You have with Sam. You're like two drops of water."

"Sam and I are friends, that's it."

"You don't see it, do you?"

"What?"

"You'll never find another woman because no one is like Sam."

"I know that Sam is very special, but she's not-"

"What prompted you to come all the way here today?"

"What?" Daniel asked as if lost.

"Come on, Danny-boy. You've tried to talk about all this plenty of times, but, every time I stopped you, you backed off. Today, you're on a mission. What brought you here?"

Daniel sat back and sighed. He put his almost full can of beer on the table and looked at Jack. "Sam is hurting. She doesn't want to talk about it and it has to be you. That's the only thing she doesn't talk to me about."

"There's one more thing she won't talk about." Jack straightened at the edge of the sofa and looked at Daniel with a knowing look. "You."

"Me? She talks about me. She's always mothering me like if I were four. You both could adopt me. When Vala was there-"

"Ha! How did she treat Vala?"

"She was polite with her, as she's with everybody, but I know she was upset because of what Vala had done with the bracelets and-"

"She was jealous."

"No, she wasn't! Why would she be jealous? She's as bright as Vala, she's also beautiful and she's not annoying."

"So you think that Vala is beautiful and bright."

"Well, you have to admit that she's an attractive woman. She's different than Sam, but she's beautiful on her own way. Besides, she proved how bright she is when she escaped from the guards of the Prometheus, after I had captured her, and also when she destroyed the Ori beachhead."

"So, if she's all that, why were you so pissed when she got you with the bracelet-things?"

"That I consider her nice and intelligent doesn't mean that I want to be chained to her forever. It's not like I love her."

"Like you love Sam."

"Yes."

"You do love Sam."

"Of course I love her."

"You're in love with her."

"Sure. No! That's not what I meant. I'm not in love with her."

"Who do you go to see first thing every morning? With whom do you share most of your free afternoons and evenings? Who did you last take to the cinema?"

"Jack, stop it. That's true. I do all those things with Sam, but that doesn't mean I'm in love with her either."

"Yes, it does."

"Does not."

"Does too"

"No, it doesn't, Jack."

"Daniel, you can deny it as long as you want, but I know it. I know you're in love with Carter, and you've been in love with her for a long time, very long time. I don't know why you don't want to accept it, not even to yourself, but I think it's time that you admit to your feelings and do something about it."

"I've always known Sam and you would end up together."

"I know you wouldn't have gotten between us, but there's never really been an us. Why are you so unwilling to admit what you feel? You've never consciously thought about it?"

"I know how special Sam is, Jack. I just try not to think about her that way."

"You try, but you must have thought about it at least once."

Daniel had moved forward on his chair during the discussion. Now he went back on it and leaned his head on its back. "Once."

"Aha! When?"

"On Vis Uban."

"What did you think?"

"She said all these beautiful things about me… They didn't sound right; it sounded like she was biased-"

"It sounded like she loved you?"

"Like she cared very much about me."

"Did you ask her?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"She put me right back in my place. 'We were really, really good friends,' she said. Then, my memories started coming back and I knew she was right."

"Was that all?"

Daniel hesitated for a second and then he said, "No, not really. I thought I had these feelings, for a while. That I cared for her more than that. Then, I had to let them go. They weren't right."

"Then you suppressed them, you mean. You forbid yourself to go there. I know you, Daniel."

"So what? Even if I had felt that way, it's not the case now and she doesn't feel that way either."

"I think she does. Maybe we all three love her that way, even Teal'c, and maybe she loves all three of us. These last ten years have changed us and we've bonded in ways not many people ever get to be, but the truth is that if that were the case, youare the only one who could make her happy."

"Why me?"

"What do you think Sam and I could do in the afternoons? What could we share that we both care about? Don't look at me like that, Daniel. I know we could have sex, but that's not enough to make a person happy. It could help, for a little while, but then the thrill would be gone and there'd be nothing left. Besides, I mean it. I don't want to change what I have now. I won't get in any long-term relationships. This is my life now and I'm dealing with it. I need this peace. I need to be alone until I'm ready to risk again, if I ever get there. Sam can't wait for me. She needs someone who can give her that life that she wants now and she deserves it. How many years does she have left for having children? She's running out of time."

"So she should settle for me?"

"She was willing to settle for Pete and he doesn't even rise half way up to you."

"To you."

"No, I mean it. To you. She's not been looking for another me these years. She left Jonas Hansen behind-"

"You're nothing like him."

"But I'm closer to him than to all the other men we've seen her close to in these ten years. Narim, Martouf, even Joe Faxon, or Orlin, who do you think they were like? Me?"

"Jack…"

"Open your eyes, Daniel, before it's too late, before she founds another Pete and she lets go. Before you lose your chance at happiness. Go home and think about it. Then you call me and you give me some good news."