First Kiss
A Stargate Atlantis Fanfic
Original Publish Date: 30 September 2008
Rewrite Publish Date: 13 November 2013
Warnings: Language, Suggestive Content
A/N: Hey all! Been a while since I've written much, I know. As you may have noted above, this story was first published five years ago; I've always meant to rewrite it, as I felt the first half of what I had written was pretty weak. If you've read this before, I highly suggest re-reading it from the beginning! The original first third has been pretty much discarded, and the rest was expanded upon. It is now broken into five chapters instead of three.
For those of you who haven't read it before: hi there! I think my original author's notes sum it up pretty well:
"Sheppard and McKay get put into an awful lot of situations where they're left to be romantically inclined towards one another. I have oft wondered: just what would Sheppard and McKay think of all of this? And… this… ensued.
It's not crack-fic. It's just warped. Enjoy. :)"
Tap.
Tap.
Ta—
"For the love of God, would you stop that?!"
Sheppard stilled just long enough to turn his flat stare on the only other occupant of the small room. Well, not really a room. Technically speaking it was a bulkhead, or even more technically, the space between bulkheads. For good measure, he tapped his boot against the wall one last time.
McKay let out a strangled sound of anger. "You are such an asshole— you do know that?"
Rolling his eyes, Sheppard returned to just staring at the wall in front of him. It wasn't really that interesting of a wall, and he was more cramped turned sideways as opposed to stretched out. It was just that he had gotten tired of staring at Rodney about three hours ago.
He didn't even respond when the radio crackled to life with Lorne's voice. "We heard that one through the door. You guys aren't killing each other, right?"
Lorne really didn't need to be there. He probably felt guilty. Or at least exasperated. You'd think he'd be used to it by now. And then there was Ronon— or at least, there had been Ronon— who had been just a few steps ahead of sharing Sheppard and McKay's personal hell. He had stayed, like Lorne, at first: loyalty, and all that.
At this point, John presumed Ronon had returned to Atlantis. Loyal or not, the Satedan just wasn't that patient.
All of this musing was lost on the scientist, of course; he responded instead to the major's question. "Please stop tempting me." It might have made John uneasy under different circumstances, but he was far beyond caring.
Perhaps he was simply desensitized to it. After all, the death threats had started about four hours ago.
And then, rounding out the conversation so perfectly was a plaintive voice: the reason they were stuck in here in the first place. "That would be counter-intuitive to the exercise."
The voice was too steady, too pitch-perfect to be human. The slightly tinny sound that came from being computer generated was a dead give away. John wasn't sure what kind of people saw need to put speakers in the cycle-locks between compartments of a ship. The same kind of people that decide to give their stupid computerized therapist control of the ship, apparently.
The inhabitants of this vessel were long dead by the time the Atlanteans discovered it. When they found that there was, in fact, a sentient computer program left in the mainframe— an AI— and it hadn't tried to kill them outright, they had dared to be cautiously optimistic. The AI was excited to be interacting with live people again, and facilitated their exploration of the ship by explaining different areas and opening doors for them. It didn't even seem too put out when Rodney began picking through its mechanical guts.
They should have known better than to be optimistic. Especially when they realized that the AI was programmed as a shipboard counselor, designed to promote mental and emotional health on long spaceflights.
They realized their mistake right around the time when, deciding that Sheppard and McKay's sniping and traded insults were harmful not only to their interpersonal relationship but to the welfare of their entire social unit, it sealed them in one of those locks between compartments. The AI had then proclaimed that it would not open the doors until the two men made an effort towards reconciliation.
The whole ordeal was having rather the opposite effect, though.
"As I have previously noted: my analysis of your behavior indicates a level of interdependency that is at odds with your current hostility." Was it possible for a computer to sound long-suffering? Perhaps it thought that with repetition, the concept might sink in. "For you to continue in this manner would be most destructive."
"Again, with the temptation."
He was met with a growl. "Just try it, McKay."
This time it was Zelenka's voice over the radio. "You know, I think them actually hurting one another is becoming an increasing risk. Like it was said, that would be counter-productive, correct?"
John snorted at Zelenka's not-so-subtle attempt at manipulation, then glanced at Rodney again, who had tensed up at the noise. "Oh, please." He actually smirked, the first time in quite a while. "If I intended to shoot you, I would have done it a while ago."
Rodney leaned back again, watching John with utter disdain. "Yeah, 'cause I'm sure no one would be able to work that one out."
A reprimanding voice cut in: "Boys."
"Just establishing," John insisted. He could imagine Carter's expression. "If you hear weapons fire, it's probably McKay."
"No jury would convict me," Rodney shot back.
John went on blithely. "I, for one, would go with something quieter." The dirty look on Rodney's face was so worth it. "The reverb in here would suck," he added, seemingly as an afterthought.
His commanding officer's voice came through again, with a forced, awkward cough, as Rodney's expression turned to a sneer. "Uh, John, you do know your radio is still broadcasting, right?"
"Oh, sure."
The plaintive, disappointed voice returned. "This is going to take a while, isn't it?"
"Wh… a while? Six hours isn't already 'a while'?" Rodney demanded.
"Just… hang on, you two." Colonel Carter's voice did have a certain calming quality, though it was mostly lost on the two men after being stuck in close quarters with one another for so long. "We'll find a solution from this side. Don't worry."
"Yes, remember who's working to get you out," Radek added.
"Yeah." Rodney jerked a thumb towards his own chest immodestly. "And who isn't working to get us out."
John just leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes.
