JP/Craig, JP/Kieron
I do not own Hollyoaks. If I did there would be much more of John Paul in it and Craig would actually visit!
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It used to be me looking at you looking at her. Me feeling the guilt for the both of us and you tearing yourself apart and taking me along for the ride. It used to be me wondering if you even cared. If I was just a fuck-buddy, your dirty little secret and she was your pride, your straight-success story.
It used to be me crying alone because I hated how I felt – how you made me feel.
Worthless and wanted.
An accessory to cheating and being cheated on.
Hated… and loved.
So loved that I wanted to risk it all. Risk everyone hating me, risk you hating me. And eventually it got too much. You got ENGAGED to her – and it nearly killed me. It certainly killed any naivety I had at the time.
So I became something hateful. I broke Sarah's heart, a year on and she still can't bear to be in the same room as me! I outed you and made things very uncomfortable for me for a while (in an 'that's the understatement of the century' kind of way')!
Where did it get me?
I'm still the same person, for all the wrong reasons.
Only, now it's me looking at him who is looking at Him. I can't compete with God, with a ton of parishioners and my mother, my mother who would lose the only constant in her whole life, her faith.
But still I steal away with him, clandestine meetings and sordid sleepovers that leave guilt and pain churning in my gut. Still I love him. Still I watch him as he watches God and then he remembers me, guilt flashes across his face as he leans in to kiss me, but it's gone by the time we part, gasping for air and aching with lust.
Craig taught me that it is worth it – if you find someone you truly love, male, female, or undecided!, then you should take every chance you can to be with them, before they are gone leaving you alone with only the bittersweet memories.
"I love you,"
I say, and I know I mean it. In the end it won't be enough, I know it, he knows it, Craig knew it, but for now it helps squash the guilt and sooth the pain as we take comfort in each other, secretly.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Please comment. My very first Hollyoaks fanfiction ever! So please tell me what you think! PLEASE!!
