Hairballs
By Leif Johnson

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Spaceballs, or the
characters from Ranma 1/2. Although, technically, these characters are
from neither (different names, ya see). Well, they're mostly not my
creation.

***

A long, long, long, time into the future, (which means this hasn't
happened yet, but just might) in a galaxy within eyesight, Chaos was
stirring. But the soup had just finished, so further stirring was
unnecessary.
A race known as the FaceFaults was facing a looming threat. Unable
to assume a defense, they were soon assaulted with sweaters.
There was a shortage on Planet FaceFault, a dangerous one. The
race was rapidly losing its supply of hair.
It was known that the peaceful planet 'Do-idia was the only planet
in the galaxy that owned the most famous artifact ever known. This
artifact was known as the Mountain 'Do. It was a mysterious strand of
hair that only grew at the very tops of mountains. Once the hair was
consumed, the consumer would gain the ability to shape their own hair
in any way they wished. It could speed up hair growth to 20 times the
normal rate, if the person wanted it so.
As this was the perfect solution to the FaceFault's problem, they
immediately began scheming to steal the planet's supply of Mountain
'Dos. But, they needed the combination to the lock on the planetary
shield surrounding 'Do-idia, and decided to capture Princess Vexed, who
was about to be wed to Prince Nyquil, the last remaining prince in the
galaxy.
Planet 'Do-idia would soon wish it had never been heard of by the
race that caused unwanted facial bruises every time one uttered their
name...

***

Aboard the FaceFault's most prized ship, one man stood, alert. He
was dressed in a silver and yellow uniform, and wore a yellow and black
bandana over his head. However, it was now worn fully covering his
head, gangster style, rather than the headband style he usually wore it
in. When asked why, he merely stammered nervously, and conveniently had
a coughing fit. At the moment, he was gazing at the beautiful display
before him. Space was such an amazing thing, he thought.
The rest of the men in the bridge tried to ignore their commander,
who was intensely staring at a large-screen computer's screensaver.
One man carefully read the readings on the screen before him, then
swiveled his chair to face his commander. "Colonel Headbare!"
The colonel twitched, then immediately kicked the speaker into the
ceiling. "That's HEADWEAR, you idiot!" he shouted angrily.
The other man fell to the floor with an ungraceful *fwump*, then
sprang up and said, "Sorry sir. But, you told me to tell you when..."
he trailed off.
"We..." a man three terminals down continued.
"Were..."
"Approaching..."
"Planet..."
"'Do-idia."
Colonel Headwear nervously glanced around at all the men who had
spoken, and reminded himself to try not to wander while giving orders.
Regaining his composure, he replied, "So?"
"We..." the first man started.
"Are..." continued the next man.
"All right!" Headwear yelled. "I get it!"
Suddenly, klaxons blared and a trumpet fanfare was heard. Lights
flashed and a holographic helmet flickered around the ceiling before
disappearing.
"All rise in the presence of Thunder Helmet," Colonel Headwear
said, not-so-proudly. The door at the end of the room began to rise
slowly, revealing a tall man standing there, dressed in a blue and
black Kendo outfit with a black cape dragging on the floor. An enormous
samurai helmet sat atop his head, with a visor that had one-way glass
covering his face. He walked proudly between the row of computers,
ignoring the nervous-looking men standing to his sides. Reaching
Colonel Headwear, he nodded curtly and reached to lift his visor. When
it refused to budge, he shoved harder. Losing his temper, he smacked it
with his fist. It flew up and he rammed his fist into his face, falling
backwards. The men snickered.
He stood up angrily and thundered, "Hey, shut up!" The men placed
hands over their mouths and tried to ignore his bloody nose and black
eye.
"Good. Now, I heard that the Planet 'Do-iddysomething is in sight.
I'm gonna alert President Scourge." Thunder Helmet pulled a cell phone
shaped like a sword hilt and flipped it open.
"I've already alerted him, sir!" Poor Foolish Idiot announced.
Thunder Helmet turned on Poor Idiot with anger clear on his face.
"You dare attempt to go over the helmet of the GREAT THUNDEROUS
FACEFAULT!" No sooner had he uttered these words than he lurched
forward and slammed his face onto the deck. He quickly stood up
muttering about the curse of their race. A man in the background held
up a cardboard cutout of a lightning bolt.
"Um... I... didn't... mean to..." Idiot stammered, cowering.
Headwear rolled his eyes, while Thunder Helmet reached under his cape
and pulled out a ring and slipped in on his finger. "Aw, shit!" Idiot
cried. "Not that!"
"Yes," Thunder replied ominously, slapping down his visor, "that." So saying, he pointed the ring at Idiot, and a light shot from
it, straight at his head. The other men watched in horror as all of his
hair was dissolved before their very eyes. Idiot screamed and held his
hands to his dome.
"NOOO!!!" he cried, falling to his knees. "NO!"
After he had been hauled off to be put in hairapy, Thunder Helmet
turned to face Colonel Headwear. "Now that yonder poor, foolish idiot
has been taken care of, how much closer to Planet 'Do-idia be we?"
Headwear shrugged and gestured to the exit. "You'd have to check
the radar."
Helmet glanced at the door, then turned back to the colonel.
"Where be-eth it?" he demanded.
"Right this way, Helmet," Headwear replied, walking towards his
destination. Helmet followed, not noticing the technician's worried
expressions.
Several hours later...
"What iseth that ridiculous noise? You calleth this a radar
machine?" Helmet demanded, standing in front of a contraption decorated
with displays, lights, and switches.
"Actually..." Headwear answered, tapping his finger against it.
"We call it Mr. Word Processor. It's one of the most important machines
on this ship. In fact, we wouldn't even exist if it weren't for-"
"Who cares?!" Helmet cried, flipping up his visor. "We've been
wandering all over this miserable ship for the past three hours, and
you STILL haven't found the radar! We've been to the engine room, the
mess hall, the locker room, the dormitories, and the lavatories!" he
cried, ticking off the various locations on his fingers.
"Sir?" a nearby technician ventured hesitantly.
Helmet and Headwear turned to him, and asked, "Yes?"
"You're back on the bridge. The radar is right there," he
answered, pointing at a machine three feet from where the two had
started.
Thunder Helmet turned towards Headwear slowly, slipping his visor
down as he did so. "WHO HAST MADE THOU THE COMMANDER OF THIS SHIP, YOU
INCOMPE-" He was interrupted when Headwear flipped his visor up and
stuffed a bandanna in his mouth.
"Sir!" one man cried. "We're close to planet 'Do-idia! You might
want to watch!"
Helmet turned towards the view port. "Nymph? Ohmff! Off crshh."
Headwear simply held his hands to his injured eardrums.

***

"Daddy," Princess Vexed said anxiously to her father, who was
decked in the finest velvet and silk dougi in the land. "Do I really
have to do this?"
King Tendo nodded. "Of course! He's the only prince left, and you
have to marry a prince! Besides, his family owns the largest hair-care
company in the galaxy."
"But I don't want to!" she cried indignantly, stamping her foot. A
faint cracking sound could be heard.
"Ve... vexed..." Tendo said, tears welling up in his eyes... "You
HAVE to!" As he said the last bit, he burst into tears. "The school of
Anything-Goes Hair Styling must go on!"
Vexed sighed and rolled her eyes in an irritated manner. King
Tendo swiftly recovered and called for the droid of honor. "Herba!
Herba Lessences!"
The droid swiftly bounced into the room, showing off the most
developed technology in droid-making, among other things. "King call?
Is wedding already?" she inquired, glancing at the princess's dress.
"Of course! Starting on the left... or is it right? Ve-"
"Forget it, daddy!" Vexed grumbled, angrily striding forward. The
king was hard pressed to keep up. "Here Comes the Bride" was sped up to
four times the original speed to match the princess's marching pace.
Prince Nyquil bore a happy, dreamy expression on his face as he
seemed to watch the princess with a half-lidded stare. The priest,
seeing this, quickly nudged him awake.
"Here comes Princess Vexed, knocking the groom's lights out,
throwing me into the organ, and punching through the wall," the priest
announced clearly, passing out after finishing.
"Vexed! No!" King Tendo cried, rushing through the newly formed
doorway.
"Aiyah! What Princess do?" Herba cried, rushing after her.
"Just get in!" Vexed shouted, jumping into a getawa- er,
conveniently-located space car, and hitting the 'launch' button. Herba
did as she was told.
"Veeeexed!" Tendo cried, leaping after the car. Before he got very
high into the air, however, he was tackled by one of his counselors.
"What did you do that for?!" the king shouted.
"But your majesty!" the counselor cried in a stricken voice. "What
if you got exhaust in your hair?"
"Oh," said King Tendo, blinking. "I guess you're right."

***

Herba Lessences glanced over at the princess. Her hair was done up
in a huge bun, while much of it also hung down to her waist. There were
two buns on the sides of her head, too. "Princess?" Herba inquired,
staring at her from across the cockpit. "What you do that for?"
Vexed didn't reply.
"Vexed?" Herba repeated. The princess still didn't say anything.
Herba sighed. "VEXED!" she shouted, cupping her hands to her mouth.
Vexed shook her head, then lifted her entire hairdo off of her head,
revealing hair that actually didn't quite go to her shoulders. Faint
music could be heard from the two small buns, and the quiet whir of a
CD came from the larger one.
"Hm?" Vexed asked, tilting her head forward.
"I ask, why you do that?" Herba repeated.
"Because," the princess replied, "I hate him."
"Oh," the droid said, blinking. "Won't you get in trouble?"
Vexed shrugged. "Maybe. What's the worst that could happen?"
"Haircut?" Herba suggested, absently fingering her own flowing
artificial hair, which was nearly identical to the real stuff.
Vexed shuddered, reaching back and feeling her own short hair.
"No, not again. He wouldn't be able to deal with it."
The faithful droid nodded in agreement, recollecting how it took
all of the king's self control, as well as 592 pounds of concrete, to
keep him from stopping the punishment.

***

"Eh? Of course there's no shortage of hair! Yes, of course of I'm
sure. Yes, I'm positive. Yes, I swear by the Holy Face Bruise. Yes, I'm
glad you know the truth, too." The president slapped the phone into the
cradle and muttered, "Ingrate." Leaning back in his chair, the two-
foot-high man stretched and yawned. After glancing around quickly to
make sure no one was watching, he pulled one of the tufts of hair from
the side of his head and scratched an itch it had covered. Suddenly,
the view screen on his office wall flickered to life and he quickly
slapped his hand to his head, fearfully staring at the face that had
appeared.
"President Scourge," the woman said briskly, ignoring his obscure
pose, "We have word that Princess Vexed's car is within range. Would
you like to step onto the bridge to view the happenings?"
"Why sure, my pretty little... mind if I call you Ucchan?" Scourge
said, grinning lecherously. The woman frowned, and Scourge had to jump
back quickly to avoid the giant spatula that swung down from the
ceiling. He briefly wondered how she had gotten one of this is his own
office without him knowing. They seemed to be popping up everywhere.
As the spatula raised back up, he snatched a panty that he had
dropped under it. "Why thanks, now I don't have to iron these!"
Lieutenant Kuonji stared bug eyed at the undergarment, then cried,
"Hey, that's mine!" She quickly regained her composure and pushed a
nearby Shiny Red Button. The spatula crackled, then promptly turned
Scourge into charcoal.
Terminating the connection, she turned to the rest of the crew and
ordered, "When the president is feeling better, please lock him in a
safe with a view port so that he may witness the capture of the
princess without causing any trouble."
"Aye, sir!"

***

"Sir, Princess Vexed's shuttle is right in front of us!" one man
cried, pointing out the view port. Thunder Helmet turned to the window,
while Colonel Headwear turned to the bathroom.
"Excellent!" Helmet cried, jabbing a finger forward. "Fire a
warning shot across her bow!"
"But sir," one man said, peering out the window. "It doesn't have
a bow."
"Eh?" Headwear said, scratching his head. "Why not?"
"It's a Mercedes, sir."
"So what DOES it have?!" Thunder Helmet thundered from under his
helmet at the informer.
"Well, it has two drink holders, all-leather interior, a CD
player, AM/FM radio..." the man said, ticking off on his fingers.
Thunder Helmet and Colonel Headwear smacked him across the head.
"I meant, instead of a bow!" Helmet roared. Headwear smacked
Helmet across the head.
"Stop roaring and thundering in my ear!" he grumbled, poking his
left ear.
Helmet was about to reply when he saw that the lasers were going
everywhere except at the car. So were the rockets, fishing nets, and
sumo pigs. "Hey!" he shouted, lifting his visor. "Who's wasting our
livestock?!"
"Sorry sir, doin' the best I can!" one man said, turning around.
Helmet and Headwear saw that long chains hung from his sleeves and were
intertwined with all the controls in front of him, and thick glasses
were perched on top of his head. His most startling feature, however,
was his long, flowing, dark hair.
"Who is he?" Helmet demanded, whispering to Headwear.
"Mousse, sir."
"No, he's not."
"Yes, sir, he is."
"I can see clearly-" Helmet started angrily.
"Now your hair is gone?" Headwear finished. Helmet snapped his
teeth together and glared at the colonel.
"Don't do that! I mean he's obviously a FaceFault-" *WHACK* Helmet
quickly jumped up and wiped the blood away from his nose. "NOT a
moose!"
"That's his name, sir. And it's Mousse, not Moose," Headwear
informed him.
"Eh?" Thunder inquired, tilting his head to the side.
"It's Mousse, not Moose, as in hear, not here, or heir, not air,"
Headwear explained.
Thunder Helmet scratched his helmet in obvious understanding.
"Well, who made him a gunner, anyway?" he asked, glancing over at the
man who was still waiting for an order.
"I did sir," another man answered, talking to Mr. E-mail. "He's my
brother." He too had long robes with chains hanging from the sleeves
and oversized glasses on his forehead.
"How many Mooses do we have on this ship, anyway?" Thunder Helmet
inquired helplessly, looking around.
"'Lo!" said nearly all the men in the room as they stood up,
facing all different directions, all of them with glasses on their
foreheads and loose sleeves.
"Great," Helmet said in an exasperated tone, "I'm surrounded by
Moose!"
"I TOLD you," Headwear cried in an exasperated manner. "It's
MOUSSE!"
"That's what I SAID!" Thunder Helmet yelled.
Headwear shook his head. "But we're all just a bunch of words!
It's spelled out!"
Helmet smacked the colonel over the head. "Dont preetend too hav
mor nollij thann mee!" he growled dangerously.

***

Vexed and Herba jerked in surprise as lasers, rockets and farm
animals flew past them.
"Aiyah!" Herba exclaimed. "We is shotting at!" Vexed wondered for
a second why they could create a droid that was nearly impossible to
distinguish from a human, but they couldn't even install the voice
chips facing the proper direction.
Vexed quickly reached for a phone and dialed her home number. "Why
can't I just escape from the planet in peace?" she lamented, while
Herba shook her head.

***

Meanwhile, in a Winnebago, a young man was asleep at the wheel.
It's not such a big issue in space, as there's not really much to run
into. He was awakened from his slumber by the ringing that signaled an
incoming video call. "Pop..." he muttered, shaking his head. "Pop!" he
called, louder.
In the back of the Winnebago, a panda was practicing a kata in a
small room with black and white ceiling-to-floor carpeting.. He had the
word "Belch" dyed into the fur of his chest. Hearing the boy's voice
call him from the front of the bus, he stopped and grunted in
frustration. He lumbered up into the cockpit and flicked the "Receive"
switch, but not without attempting to stuff the boy into the glove
compartment.
The image of a tanned man in large red sunglasses and a small palm
tree on his head appeared on the screen. [Whoops,] Belch's sign read.
[Wrong switch.]
"'Ey, keiki, 'ow you doin'?" the man greeted cheerfully.
"Whatta ya want, Ninny?" the boy inquired impatiently.
"Oh, but it not 'bout what I wan', it what SHE wan'," Ninny said,
pointing to the side.
The view scrolled over to reveal a woman sitting on a pile of
velvet cushions with a wine glass in her hand.
"BAKA THE HUTT!" the boy exclaimed, Belch's sign bearing the same
message.
"That's BIKI!" the woman shouted, then her eyes widened as a hair
flew out of place. She snapped her fingers, and a servant instantly
appeared with a tray of hair-care products. "Any way," she said drolly,
"If it isn't Lone Stallion and his partner Burp."
[That's Belch.]
"When will you two be delivering the money which you owe me?" Biki
inquired, ignoring the sign. She casually held her hand out for a
manicure as she waited for a reply.
"Aw, we'll get the ten-thousand to you next week," Lone Stallion
said off-handedly, smirking.
"Ten-thousand?" Biki questioned with raised eyebrows. "Haven't you
ever heard of interest? If you factor that in, you owe me..." She
stopped and placed her pinky to her lips. "One hundred-million
spaceyen."
"One hundred-million!?" Lone Stallion cried, jerking backwards.
"Are you crazy?"
"Of course not, dear," Biki said, sipping from her drink. "Why do
you ask?" She held out her hand and Ninny instantly handed her a
coconut with an umbrella and straw in it. Smiling, she terminated the
connection.
Lone Stallion and Belch stared at the now-blank screen. Belch's
sign pretty much summed up both their thoughts right then. [Shit.]
Stallion nodded.
Just then, the ringing started again, and Belch hesitantly flipped
the switch. To their relief, it was only a king. A king?
"Please, Lone Stallion!" King Tendo cried, tears pouring from his
eyes. "My daughter needs your help! You're the only one who is close
enough to rescue her!"
Stallion held up his hands. "Waitaminute, back up. Rescue who from
who?"
"My daughter from the FaceFaults!" *WHAP*
[The FaceFaults?] *WHACK* Belch's face accidentally hit a button,
and King Tendo's face was replaced by a war scene, the Ewoks versus the
Pokemon. Quickly hitting the button again, and the king returned.
"I don't know," Stallion said carefully, "About that. After all, I
am number one on Thunder Helmet's hit list. And you know what happens
to his victims." King Tendo shudder and ran a hand through his flowing
locks.
"But Lone Stallion!" he insisted. "I'll give you ANYTHING! Did you
hear me? ANY..."
[Even one of the famous Mountain 'Dos?] Belch inquired hopefully.
"Well..." Tendo said, dropping his gaze.
"How 'bout a hundred-million-spaceyen?" Stallion quickly
suggested, glaring at the panda.
"WHAT?" Tendo cried, and the screen was filled with a ghastly
image of his face, with the inclusion of a forked tongue and glowing
eyes.
"AAUUUGGHHH!!!" Stallion cried, jumping backwards. "You SAID
_anything_!"
Tendo's head returned to normal, and he nodded reluctantly. "I...
guess I did. Well, Lone Stallion, I'm counting on you!" With a tearful
nod, he terminated the connection.
Belch whirled upon Stallion. [You fool! Do you have any idea how
badly I wanted the 'Do?!]

***

[Look! They're locked in the tractor beam of that ship!] Belch
exclaimed, pointing at the scene in front of them. Lone Stallion nodded
absent-mindedly.
"We'll have to go in there and take them out in our Winnebago," he
announced.
Belch's eyes widened. [But they'll sense us!] he insisted,
pointing at the millions of thin hairs that stuck out from the ship.
Lone Stallion grinned. "I got everything under control," he said
with a confident wave of his hand. Grinning, he pulled a pill-bottle
out of his pocket and took one pill out. Glowing slightly, he tossed
the pill at the FaceFault ship through a hole that had opened up in the
windshield. When it impacted, every single hair on the ship dissolved.
Belch whirled upon the boy. [What was THAT?] he demanded.
"Oh, that?" Lone Stallion replied while pushing the cannon back
down. "Just an anti-'dopressant."

***

Back on the FaceFault ship, one man blinked as the radar display
was instantly replaced with static. Glancing around nervously, he
looked back at the fuzzy display, and tapped the screen just as it
stopped. He shrugged and reached for an microphone.
At the front of the room, Helmet and Headwear heard the words,
"Szlt! Crsht Ishr avsht yourshzz ttnnshins forst aminshppt?" They both
turned in confusion to a large, yellow, plastic M with a speaker below
it.
Colonel Headwear glanced at Thunder Helmet. "Is that what you
ordered?"
"Nope," Helmet replied, shaking his head.
"Shclr!" buzzed the speaker again.
Helmet smacked his hand against the side of it in frustration.
"NO!" he yelled. "I hate Coke! I want Pepsi!"
Headwear tapped his shoulder and gestured at a man in front of a
terminal waving to them. Helmet glanced back at the speaker, then
shrugged and advanced upon the other man.
"Yes?" he inquired, reaching him.
"Weffl sklshm tz bszkt hvnn teshzzlkt..." the man explained.
Helmet smacked him across the head and turned off the microphone.
"We seem to be having trouble with the radar!" the man repeated.
Helmet and Headwear peered at the empty screen.
"What's wrong with it?" Helmet asked.
The other man pointed at the screen, which was now filled with
crazy displays of color, and clips of objects moving in slow-motion.
"It's high."
Helmet stared at the screen, before replying, "So it is."
The man at the next terminal suddenly cried, "Sir! I'm getting a
reading that our radar was destroyed be an anti-'dopressant! And that
it's flight was powered by... arrogance!"
Thunder Helmet jerked his head up at the last word. Slipping the
visor over his eyes, he announced, "Only ONE man owneth such a
ridiculous amount of arrogance...
A man held up a cardboard cut-out of a lightning bolt above
Thunder Helmet's head. However, it also closely resembled an arrow.
"...and that man beeth LONE STALLION! I shall destroy that
arrogant fiend!"
"Fight fire with fire, I suppose," Headwear remarked thoughtfully.
"Be quiet, or else I might smite thee," Helmet warned, then tried
to lift his visor. "Now, how doseeth this confounded thing work again?"

***

"What that?" Herba cried as both she and Vexed heard a loud thump
from the top of the car. Vexed looked upward as the top slid open,
revealing a large, fat, black and white creature! Vexed, using the sort
of logic she had used all of her life, punched its face in.
The creature shook its head and fumbled around, eventually holding
up a sign. [Owpth! Thapth hurpth!]
Vexed pulled her fist back again. The creature's eyes widened and
another sign popped up, revealing its true, good-hearted intentions.
[DON'T HURT ME!!!] She planted her fist in its left eye.
[We're here to help you!] the creature insisted, eyeing the
princess's fist warily. She lowered it and removed the brass knuckles.
"In that case, get out of my way!" she growled, shoving it aside
and hopping out. Placing a foot on the ladder leading to the Winnebago,
she paused and added, "Whatever you are."
[I AM A PAN] its sign read in large, bold letters.
Vexed blinked. "What's a pan?" she asked quizzically.
*Fwip* [-DA]
"Oh," Vexed said tonelessly. As Herba began climbing out, she
said, "Well, if you're not doing anything, bring my bags, will you?"
The panda sighed wearily.

***

Lone Stallion glanced backward and jerked in surprise. Belch was
carrying several boxes and bags, and the strain on him was obvious to
Stallion's highly-trained eye. All the signs were there; tripping over
the tongue, eyes protruding four inches, dripping with sweat, shaking
legs, and the wooden sigh reading, [HEAVY!!]
"What the heck is that?" he exclaimed, watching as Belch collapsed
under the bags with a crunching sound.
[The princess's luggage,] Belch answered, the writing barely
legible.
"Jeee-zus! ALL that junk?" Stallion muttered, flipping the
intercom switch. "Listen up!" he called arrogantly, "I'm the captain of
this ship, and I say that that baggage is a hazard to my patience. It's
going."
In the rear, Vexed glowed brightly. "How DARE you say that! That's
MY luggage and it STAYS!"
"The ship steers like a beached whale with that junk in here!"
Stallion shouted. "It's not stayin' here long..." he searched his mind
for a proper way to address a true-blue princess. "...Tomboy!"
"TOMBOY!?" Vexed fairly screamed. "I'll show YOU tomboy, you..."
"Easily, no doubt," Stallion retorted.
"Grrr..." Vexed ended the conversation by punching in the
intercom. Herba stared at her with wide eyes.
"That not good for health," she remarked sagely.

***

In a large room located near the bottom of the FaceFault ship, a
large dishonor guard was standing around Thunder Helmet, watching
alertly as the princess's car slowly rose up through a docking hatch in
the floor. The men could practically FEEL the arrogant and victorious
expression on Thunder Helmet's face, much to their pride. They could
also SMELL what he had eaten for lunch, much to their anguish.
"Princess Vixen," he started, stepping forward. One of the men
looked like he was about to say something, then apparently changed his
mind. "Thou art no doubt marveling at the skill we have presented in
capturing thee. Our clever scheme to take thy planet's supply of hair
is truly the greatest ever devised! None can defy the FACE- ah- Fa-
um..." he faltered, glancing around. "...Us." He glanced over his
shoulder, and gestured angrily at his most dishonored guard. The man
blinked, then suddenly dropped his gun and lifted up a cardboard cut-
out of a rabbit.
He was later evicted from Thunder Helmet's dishonor guard.
Finishing his speech, Helmet stepped up to the car and fumbled
with the latch. He looked up at the men surrounding him and fumbled
with it some more. After banging on the door a few times, he flipped
his visor up and asked, "Has anyone got a key??"
Colonel Headwear sighed and stepped up. After a careful analysis
of the door and it's entire surface area, he held up a straight finger.
Thunder Helmet's eyes widened and he started to shout, "NOT TH-" but
never managed to finish.
After the dust cloud settled, Headwear glanced at the twitching
figure on the floor. "It's open," he offered. Helmet grumbled a reply
that caused all men in the room to slap their hands over their heads.
Once he stood up, he looked inside the car and shouted, "She's not
in here! Dammit, you guys are supposed to be skillful!" The men glanced
at each other and decided it would be best to not remind him who had
been instructing them at the time.
Suddenly, a technician ran into the room with news. "Sir, a
Winnebago has been spotted to our port side!"
"A... Winnebago...?" Thunder Helmet repeated, placing a hand to
his chin. Suddenly, his head snapped up, and he shouted, "Aw man, it's
that stupid Lone Stallion!" He blinked and glanced around at the un-
awed faces. He quickly slapped his visor down and re-shouted, "Curses!
It must be-eth that fiend, Lone Stallion!"
The soon-to-be-evicted dishonor guard held up a cardboard cut-out
of an ass.


End Chapter 1