is, only the second songfic I have ever done, from Zechs' point of view set between the series and
E.W. Please forgive any dates or events errors, I wrote most of this over a span of months, in
half hour bits right before sleeping. You all know what it can do to a story. >. Anywayz, enjoy
and remember all comments criticisms are greatly appreciated.
Ghost Story
I watch the western sky
The sun is sinking
The geese are flying south
It sets me thinking.
I've been a fool. And I was too blind to know it until now.
The regret crashes down on
me in wave after wave, a nauseating rhythm. Regret for all my
mistakes, all my shortcomings.
Although during the war I was too caught up to think I'd done anything
wrong. I was always
fighting for someone else's ideals. Treize's, Quinze's.
The Lightning Count's. Never mine. So
that adds another charge to the list: I've also been a coward.
I hid from my sister, I watched her
suffer. I had to hide my bloodstained hands from her, behind
that wretched mask. What an
excuse. It sounds so tired on my tongue now, as I yell it to
the expanse of trees around me. The
sound of my own voice. Its so irrelevant. At least now.
Once there were people who hung on
my every word. And one of them actually listened. Her face
forms in the flames of my small fire.
Not smiling. She went through too much to ever want to smile.
I wonder where she is now.
Maybe she is even smiling, now that the hard times are over.
The face hovering in the fire
contorts as I close my eyes. Her smile. I can barely think.
I did not miss you much
I did not suffer
What did not kill me
Just made me tougher.
Thankfully the fire crackles and I can open my eyes again.
What is this I feel when I think
of her, that renders me so immovable? I almost feel helpless.
Sad. It is not that stupid, child's
love I dared to feel for her in the past. It must be regret again.
I cover my face, elbows on my
knees. The last time I saw her I.... Oh gods. I almost
killed her. Another wave of nausea hits
me. I think my stomach wants to eat itself, and then the rest
of me. I don't blame it. And Noin
would probably want to shoot me if she somehow saw me again.
After I was so cold, so evil
even... I don't have to worry though. I'm never going to see
her again. No, I think I'll just live
out my life here in some nameless corner of Cinq. It's fitting.
I once belonged in this kingdom as
a prince, now I only belong as a refugee. So be it. It
is an existence. There is no one to be
forced to kill, no one to kill me here. So I can live, tempered
by the war, alone. Just alone. Yet
the word hardly begins to describe the situation.
I feel the winter come
His icy sinews
Now in the firelight
The case continues.
It's not just that I nearly died falling through the atmosphere
that makes me so alone. It's
not the fact that no one knows I'm alive. It's that I drove them
all away; with my words and my
actions. It is my own fault. The words hiss at me from
the surrounding trees, rain down from the
sky and smoke from the fire. Its light glares at me like a judge
on a stand. I must own up,
confess everything to my campsite court. I can just imagine the
pitiful testimony. Yes, your
honor, I admit. I sentenced my best friend to death, I nearly
killed my sister for trying to bring me
to my senses, and I almost destroyed Noin in one shot. Who was
she? A friend, a comrade in
arms, a confidante, and so many more things I cannot place. My
teeth grind as I grip the ground
in front of my fiery accuser. The soft soil is cool under my
tense fingers, I can feel my pulse
through the pressure. A pulse, just the tiniest movement to keep
a man alive. So little an action
to make it stop. How many times have I nearly died? And
how many times did I die?
Once, on earth, at Treize's command. That killed the vengeance
vow of Zechs Marquise,
Lightning Count. Twice, when Libra was completed, destroying
the pacifist prince Milliardo
Peacecraft. A cold winter on earth, and an even colder time in
space.
Another night in court
The same old trial
The same old questions asked
The same denial.
So who lives now? In all truth I have no name for myself.
Who am I then? For without a
name there is no knowing. I am not Milliardo, the name drowns
in the blood of its kills. I deny it,
and the heavy ideals borne upon it. And Zechs, the revenge driven
warrior with no past or future?
Never can I pick up the slimy title again. Besides, I have a
past. A past in which I ravaged my
surroundings, rejected all those close to me, then cheated a deserved
death to live out this future:
One of contemplation of myself and my lonely days to come. There.
My history and my future,
disown them as I may. Yet the concept draws my eyelids shut in
weariness. Why? Have I really
sentenced myself to this much? I clutch my forehead like a madman
warding off stray voices in
his head. Deny, deny.... Repent, repent. Voiceless, yet
screeching spirits surround my head.
They leer and me, flicker as the wind shifts in my hair, bringing smoke
into my face. The spirits
transfigure with a sting of smoke and tears in my eyes, and suddenly
I see them.
What was I missing then?
That whole December
I give my usual lie
I don't remember.
They do not speak, eyes closed and tranquil. Suspended,
as if waiting for a spark, a
command from my memory to make them move in a replica of what was.
Four of them. Treize,
never to move in an earthly realm again. My dear Relena, seemingly
slumbering, dreaming of a
world where her ideals are true. Quinze, perhaps dead by now,
waving a glorious victory banner
in his mind. And Noin, closed lids possibly blinking back tears.
They all ask one question,
without words. /Why?/ I rub the smoke in my eyes, and the faces
flicker out like the end of a
transmission. Over and out. Farewell. I may never see any
of them again, except as suspended
beings of a tired mind. Simply because I hurt them. They
know it; I know it. The war hurt us all.
There is your answer, you haunts! My own voice startles me, with
all the images in my head I
forget the silence of my ramshackle camp.
They appear again. /Why?/ This time the lips move, out
of sync with a cracked chorus of
voices across the trees. Why what?! I scream back.
They let one face do the talking. Noin
opens her dark eyes, peering out at me across time and space.
The voice is still disjoint with her
moving lips, and still I have no answer to her question. Strange,
it doesn't even sound like her.
/Libra, Quinze, Peacemillion, Epyon --Why, Zechs?-- One, two,
three, four, five, six shots
fired. Six of your best friend's warriors dead. Seven,
eight, nine. A glancing blow to Wing Zero
-- Why, Zechs?--/ With only the starry sky above me as a backdrop to
her face, she stands and
waits. Waits, while my hands clench, bile rises and scenes explode
in my memory; all intermingled
with her voice. More, more; Leos explode /Why, Zechs?/
My best friend dies, a soldier weeps
/Why, Zechs?/ Earth shudders under shooting stars /Why, Zechs?
Why? Why?/ Noin no longer
pleads a response, only taunts me with a question I cannot answer to
her. She must never know
my answer.
Another winter comes
His icy fingers creep
Into these bones of mine
These memories never sleep.
And all these differences
Stiffly I lay down by the fire and close my eyes. But instead
of sleep, more violent images
of my past bear down upon me. Never will I be free from them.
There is no one else for them to
taunt. The blame is entirely mine. In any other case, there
is room forgiveness, but not in mine.
Maybe I did too much, maybe no one will forgive me. But however
it turns out, the only
forgiving to me done is by me, of myself. And I can't.
I just can't. I think of them and become
nauseous at how much I put them through. The damn spirits about
my head seem to speak like a
superior, always taunting and correcting, pointing out enough to make
me feel stupid. /You don't
forgive yourself in the place of them not forgiving you./ Not true!
I whine, like a small child.
Treize would forgive me, he understood the depth of the war, but I
don't want him to. He was
my friend, I did him wrong. Relena could forgive a brother gone
crazy, but she already must
forgive the hate and wrongdoings of her own people. Noin, she....
she wouldn't forgive me. My
mental superior is correct. She would only ask me why.
A question I can't answer, not truly.
Not after sharing so much with her, as the best of friends and most
steadfast of comrades, after
the favors done and secrets kept.
A cloak I borrowed
We kept our distances
Why should it follow that
I must have loved you?
She hid me from myself like a fugitive, or a madman escaping his
prison. And the next
day it was back to working for the top, side by side but still apart.
Perfect soldier decorum, never
too close for safety and never too far for comfort. Words for
each occasion, whatever could
happen. I have helped her, she I. Yet she never came too
close, no matter how much I wished
she would. She knew more about me than any other person alive.
I knew all of her past. It was
even, trust and trust. And soon I started to see something more
in her, that I tried to deny. And
when it came to Libra and Epyon and the final battle, I felt I had
to protect her. Close to me was
dangerous. So I ran from her. And when she tried to stop
me, pull me back, I somehow thought
she would get hurt even more than me. I should have known I could
only insult her and hurt her
pride by saying that. And when I went crazy, trying to keep her
away was dangerous. I always
had trouble with underestimating Noin's loyalties and how far she would
go for any conviction.
And even when she held me to ease my fears and settle my thoughts,
she didn't know my one
loyalty was to her.
What us the force that binds the stars?
I wore this mask to hide my scars
What is the power that pulls the tide?
Never could find a place to hide
Space had always called to her, and the war in it was no matter.
She only wanted to be in
the wideness, the emptiness where no one could stake a claim and take
prisoners. Space pulled
me for different reasons. I knew space was where glory hid, for
those willing to take it. But
when I made the mistake of Epyon, space became a place waiting for
an all out massacre to me.
And earth became the evil one, going furtively about in its horrible
deeds. So the one needed a
war, the other needed to die. Stuck between, I chose to step
from myself. God, even on Libra I
wore a mask. A mask so not to see what went on right in front
of me that should have changed
me, and another mask to hide how much I had done wrong, all the still-fresh
scars and names
from past killings. Funny, I hid my past while creating even
more bloody times to add to it. And
when I was done, I ran like hell. No place to hide.
What moves the earth around the sun?
What could I do but run and run and run?
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail
I was afraid. Wreaking havoc only brings out one's weaknesses.
What else was there for
me to do but run? After I almost destroyed Noin, I saw how dangerous
it was, what I felt for her.
Either one of us could get killed any day. If I made one wrong
move, I could have died. One bit
of Zero system in the right place, and she'd have been dead too.
I was deathly afraid. Those
closest to me were in danger. So I sought to put them away from
me, doing things I never really
meant to do.
The moon's a fingernail
And slowly sinking
Another day begins
And now I'm thinking
I saw my own weaknesses and ran. I feared my feelings for
another person because they
could get killed. I drove away those close to me thinking they
would be out of danger. And I
blame myself for all of it – wait, that's not right... I cannot
forgive myself for my own deeds, and
so I am forever condemned... Oh god. My temples throb as
I look to the fire once again, the
flames burning into my memory this painful admission to myself.
I need them to forgive me. I
need it or I'll just go on endlessly, pointlessly. How can I
deny it any longer? Treize, I hope you
forgive me, because I am forever your friend. Relena, kin hardly
means anything now that I have
shed so much blood, but your heart is pure, please take my apology.
Noin, I....
My eyes close and an alien smile reaches my lips. What's
the use of dictating to a shabby
campsite what should be said to a person? One person. Noin.
I must say this to her. I need her
forgiveness in order to live. Would she understand that?
Not until I explained why. And it's
because I love her. God, how I love her. My smile doesn't
seem so alien. Her face, her voice,
enough to make me happy forever.
That this indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention
Her drive, enough to make me number one, her hope enough to drive
me to tears. Her
determination was enough to make me hope. And loving her made
me determined. Everything I
did was because of her. She helped me, healed me. I detest
now even thinking of how I treated
her, so coldly, as if she had ever done anything wrong.
You were my compass star
You were my measure
You were a pirate's map
Of buried treasure
I always knew she was right. About battles, about the war
as a whole. About Cinq, and
the Gundam pilots. She had a sense for these things, the same
way she had a sense for outer
space. Always she reached out for the right things, making the
right allies and being strong to see
the entire thing through. The statistics said I was number one,
but I learned from the best. And
my best friend. The true winner in me.
If this was all correct
The last thing I'd expect
The prosecution rests
It's time that I confessed
The winner of my heart..... Your honor, I can explain Noin
now. She was my friend, my
comrade, and the woman I love. Your honor, I have to find her.
She doesn't know. You cannot
sentence me to death just yet, not until she knows.
I must have loved you
She must know.
I must have loved you.
~~
Alright, I'm done. Please review. I need the feedback,
specially now that Kalen thinks I'm a sap.....-_- j/k. She's
awesome, in fact. Nevertheless, if you have a minute please put in
a line. Thanks!
~Mythica
