Merry Christmas Everyone! My semester is almost over, which means I promise I will update every story of mine. However, I drank way too much caffeine tonight and also watched the Christmas episode which resulted in this- my take on what I wish would happen after the Christmas episode. This is dedicated to kayweston as a late birthday present :) Enjoy!

xxx

"Merry Christmas Bitches, -A," Emily reads the sign out loud. And for once she's not afraid of A. Betrayal and pain run through her blood and she's furious.

She feels a light touch on her arm and she turns to see Paige's concerned face, and her heart feels a heavy sadness that she can't believe she has to bear on her favorite day of the year. First she lost Alison, then Maya, then Paige betrayed her with Ali, and then Ali betrayed her, and now Paige is leaving- it's too much for Emily's exhausted soul. She doesn't want to keep building homes in people who are going to leave her. Granted, it's not Paige's fault that she's leaving. But it's happening nonetheless.

And as she stands here looking at what she perceives to be Alison's latest scare tactic, her heart beats rapidly as she thinks as to how she could ever have loved a monster like Alison.

"Emily," she hears Hanna's voice call her softly from the side and she sees the spunky blonde looking at her with such worry.

"What?" she asks hoarsely.

"You look like you're going to have a meltdown or something," Aria says in a hushed voice. Emily realizes all eyes are on her and that she's zoned out the last few minutes.

"This doesn't bother you guys?" Emily asks dryly. "Look at this. Snow is falling, the sky is filled with stars, there's a beautifully decorated tree and then there's a fucking psycho note left for us from Alison trying to ruin our Christmas!"

Her voice escalated quickly to a state of anger and hurt that none of the girls have heard from Emily before.

"Emily you need to calm down. We don't know it was Alison-" Spencer tries to interject but Emily cuts her off.

"Of course it was Alison. Only someone as twisted as her would do this. This is just as messed up as killing Mona or stalking us or spreading her legs for Holbrook."

A silence falls over the group and Emily realizes what she's just said. She sees Paige staring at her sympathetically out of the corner of her eye and she shakes her head and stalks back towards the house, disgusted with Alison. But mostly she hates herself for still caring.

Paige runs after her, calling for her to calm down, and the other six remain outside.

"Is that what this is about?" Toby asks with a sigh. He cares for the sweet brunette as much as all the girls do.

"Holbrook and Ali playing naughty and nice? Probably," Spencer replies as she looks towards the eerily cheery yet threatening note from their nemesis.

"Poor Em," Aria muses sadly as Ezra wraps his arms around her.

"She plays it off like she's over Alison, but I think it's going to be a long time before she moves on," Hanna tells them with a sigh. They all look at her questioningly. She looks at them hesitatingly before continuing. "After Mona died, Emily and I talked about the possibility of Alison being A. She told me that when Ali first came back, they got a little too close in Alison's bed."

"How close?" Aria asks with wide eyes.

"I don't know, she didn't want to elaborate."

From the bushes, cerulean blue eyes peer out and Alison's tiny body shivers in the cold. Her shallow breaths can be seen in front of her as she tries to remain silent. She doesn't know what's worse- her nightmare with Mona earlier, or listening to her old friends discuss her as the villain. It hurts knowing that they don't believe her, but hearing it blatantly discussed in front of her is a whole different story.

She'd seen the look on her mermaid's face when she'd ranted about her- the look made Alison shiver with fear and heartbreak because if looks could kill, Alison would be now brutally murdered by her sweet killer.

The pang of sadness that had hit her when she had seen their happy Christmas dinner was still settling in her like the death of a close friend. There they were- the four girls she had given up everything to protect, risked her life to come back for, and brought together initially. They were together, like a family, and they had abandoned her.

For the longest time, they had been her family. And now, she has nobody, save Cece who is merely fleeting. Her own father didn't attend the ball, he was busy at work and is now currently locked in his home office. Jason is away, her mother is dead, her friends all hate her- and worst of all, Emily would love to see her in her grave.

Emily. The look on her mermaid's face when she mentioned Holbrook had shocked Ali. She's never seen Emily look so vicious. The blonde wants to tell Emily she couldn't possibly care about anyone as much as she cares about her, and that Holbrook is just a blanket of security- someone to protect her from all the people in this town who want to seriously harm her. She wouldn't need Holbrook if she still had the brunette's trust because she knows Emily would kill for her. But she needs to keep with the dirty detective because he's her way in to the investigation, and he can give her access to files she needs to figure out once and for all who this crazy bitch is.

But it kills her that Emily thinks so lowly of her, that she's 'spreading her legs for Holbrook'. She wonders if that night they spent together meant anything to Emily, and at least she had the good sense to not tell Hanna the details of it.

Alison shakes as a cold shiver runs through her body and she realizes she's crying as a cold tear reaches her lip. Christmas has never been her favorite, and it looks like it's yet another year she's spending it alone.

x-x-x

Spencer's house is quiet. Not a sound is heard except for the dying crackle of the fireplace. Emily lies still, her eyes dead open. She's never felt more alone, even with the seven others spread out in the living room in various positions and with Paige loosely wrapped around her.

She remembers a time when she spent hours, days even, trying to plan and put Alison's Christmas presents together. There was even a time during the last few years, when nobody was looking or listening, that she'd wish for Alison to be alive. She's not sure why she wished for that, it all feels rather childish now.

Emily doesn't want to admit it to her friends-it would crush them- but this Christmas sucked. She wasn't with her family, Paige disclosed her leaving, and the blonde of her dreams just wrote them a snarky, bitchy Christmas message after shoving her tongue down detective Holbrook's throat.

She can't get over how angry she is- how hurt she feels. And she doesn't know what comes over her, but suddenly she decides that Alison should hurt too. She's not sure Alison's capable of feeling hurt, but goddamn it she's going to try.

x-x-x

Alison wakes up to a shuffling sound. Her eyes widen in panic and she pinches herself to make sure she's not dreaming again.

"Hello?" her voice calls out shakily and she begins to tremble. She's not safe, she knows that- she found broken glass in her house last night and she knows somebody is just waiting for the right moment to kill her.

The sounds are coming from outside her room, as if someone is walking up the stairs.

"Who's there?" she asks in a tiny voice that she knows sounds pathetic. But really, when she thinks about it, she is pathetic.

But suddenly her door is thrown open and she yelps as she flinches only to see Emily standing there, her eyes dark and stormy. She closes her eyes for a moment.

"Em, god, you scared me," Alison breathes nervously and tries to catch her breath.

"Good, for once you're the one that's scared," Emily growls as she shoves aside the fact that she sees real terror in Alison's eyes. Knowing she has this power over Alison gives her guilty pleasure.

As the blonde looks at Emily, she tries to find the girl she fell in love with so long ago- the kind one, the one who believed in her no matter what. But right now all she sees is a pained, damaged and spiteful young woman.

"Can we not do this right now? You should go back to your friends," Alison tries to say coolly but she gasps as Emily narrows her eyes and marches right up to her bed and pulls the covers off of Alison and yanks her up off the bed so that they're standing face to face as Emily basically throws her against the wall.

The swimmer is caught off guard by the fact that Ali is sleeping in such little clothing- the blonde is only wearing a baggy shirt and panties, despite the frigid weather. But, the brunette thinks for a brief second, her house temperature is pretty cozy right now. She forces herself to look at Alison's face.

(and fuck, she hates that she still wants her)

"Where do you get off on leaving us stupid light up -A messages on Christmas of all days? You must be really sick in the head," Emily accuses her and Alison looks away, not wanting to face Emily's wrath.

"If you really think I did that, then I don't think you ever knew me," Alison says in a quiet biting voice, trying to mask the hurt caused by Emily's cruel words.

"No I never knew you. One minute you were this nice person and the next you were a monster, and now you lead like seven different secret lives and I'm starting to think you have a mad case of personality disorder," Emily sneers.

"When did you become so mean?" Alison asks in disbelief as she stares sadly at Emily's steeled face. This isn't the girl she's in love with.

"I just learned from the best," Emily says so smugly that it causes Alison's stomach to flip unpleasantly.

"Emily listen to me," Alison begins to order her in a stern voice but she's startled when Emily steps into her, their faces inches apart and she can feel just how angry and torn apart the brunette is.

"No, you listen to me," Emily begins, her eyes glowing with pain. "I'm done with your bullying, Ali. I'm done with you ordering me around, and lying to me and messing with my feelings. I may have been naïve once and believed you but I'm not that girl anymore. Why don't you just kill me now Alison? That's your intent right? To torture us and then kill us? Why don't you just-"

"Shut up," Alison seethes with emotion and pushes Emily backwards so hard the brunette almost falls over. "Get the fuck out of my house."

"Make me," Emily retorts.

"You don't fucking understand," Alison begins as she grabs Emily by the shirt and shakes her as she speaks. "Everything I've done is to keep you safe. How many times do I have to say that for you to get it through your head?"

"Oh really? Did you kill Mona to keep me safe?"

"I didn't kill her!" Ali almost screeches and then remembers her father is asleep down the hall.

"Like I believe you," Emily huffs crossing her arms and stepping backwards from Alison.

"Believe what you want," Alison hisses frustrated and running a hand through her hair. "I came back for you. You begged me to stay, remember?"

"Did you ever really love me?" Emily blurts out, wanting the truth. She's tired of fighting all of a sudden- she can't stand this. She's not a brutal person, she's just hurt. She just wants the truth. Her body sags suddenly, drooping with the weight of their fucked up relationship.

"Of course I did," Alison replies incredulously. "I made a lot of mistakes and the worst was convincing you I didn't have feelings for you. Because I do, I swear to god Em I do. I might never be able to convince you, but I care a lot more than you think. I know Christmas is your favorite holiday, and I remember every single present you ever got me. I would never ruin today for you. You're the only person I would want to spend today with because you're the only person who's ever shown me what it's like to be really loved."

Emily doesn't know what to think all of a sudden. Looking into those swirling blue eyes and hearing the sincere tone has the brunette feeling like a lost puppy again, like she's fifteen and so sick in love with Alison that it hurts. She wants to believe the blonde, wants to forgive her and wants to just collapse into her arms because she's so damn tired of this battle.

"Why do you lie to me then?" Emily asks and she's shocked to hear how tiny her voice come out as, how it wavers unsurely.

"Because I don't know how else to protect you," Alison squeaks out apologetically. "I'm not lying about my feelings Emily. I lied once, when I told you those kisses were for practice."

"How can I ever believe you?" Emily asks, and her voice sounds as broken as she looks, her eyes filled with a never ending sadness and all Alison wants to do is make her feel loved, the way she did for her.

"Let me give you a Christmas present," Alison says quietly, daring herself to be bold and to prove to Emily just how much she loves her.

"What present?" Emily asks with confusion and she knows she's fucked- she feels her heart softening for the blonde in front of her.

Alison wordlessly leads Emily to her bed and has her sit on the edge before she goes and stands in between her legs.

She takes both her hands and lets one play with Emily's gorgeous locks of hair as the other caresses her face gently.

"My sweet Emily," she whispers gently and as the brunette looks up, she sees pain in Alison's eyes. "You deserve far better than me."

"Wait," Emily leans back away from the blonde's touch and frowns. Alison looks at her patiently. "You…I can't…you were kissing Holbrook."

Her voice is strangled and Alison can see the blatant disgust and jealousy that is brewing within her mermaid.

"Yes, I was kissing Holbrook," Alison admits because there is no sense in trying to hide anything. "And you were kissing Paige."

"That's different," Emily retorts, wary and suddenly putting her walls back up.

"It is," Alison agrees as she tries to console her by rubbing her thumb gently across her face.

"The difference is you love Paige, and I'm just using Holbrook as a means to an end. To figure out who A is. Again I know you can't just believe me, but it's the truth. I have nothing to lose with you anymore Emily, I'm not lying. I think Holbrook is nice, and he is protecting me. But he could never make me feel the way you make me feel."

"And how's that?" Emily asks, her eyes avoiding Ali's as she looks down.

"Like I'm worth something, like I have a chance to actually be a good person," Alison admits quietly. "You make me feel like I have value."

The blonde watches as Emily's face struggles against all the emotion within her, and she lets her fingers trail down to her chin and tilt her head upward.

"I want to make you feel something too," Alison whispers as her lips hover over Emily's and she wastes no time in pressing her lips against hers. Emily's hands instantly land on her hips, and she's very aware that the blonde is wearing so little clothing.

Soft lips move desperately against Emily's and the brunette whimpers as Ali's tongue begs for entrance and she grants it, allowing the blonde to deepen the kiss. Alison climbs on Emily and straddles her with both knees on either side of her as her hands slide into the brunette's hair.

"I can't," Emily pulls away, suddenly remembering Paige back at Spencer's and Alison looks at her sadly.

"Why not?" Alison asks dejectedly, like a wounded puppy.

"Paige…"

"You're not officially dating," Alison points out and Emily raises her eyebrow, surprised that the blonde has kept up with their relationship. She merely shrugs.

"But still-"

"Let's be real," Alison says in a calm voice but she feels the weight of her words begin to sink in. "Tomorrow you're going to go back to them. You're not going to really believe me. You're going to question everything I say, A is going to threaten us or tear us apart somehow, and I'm going to lose you again."

She hates that she feels the pressure building in her head, feels tears rising up and she forces them to stay down but Emily can hear the painful truth in her words and it stings her.

"So please, Emily," Alison tries to start but she can't finish as she chokes on her words.

The brunette understands and nods, in a daze. She honestly doesn't know what to think.

But Alison's lips are quickly on hers again, and she's lost in everything that is Alison. She feels the heart shaped lips momentarily leave hers and begin to kiss her all over her face, little fluttering kisses over her eyes, cheeks, nose, down her chin, and then back to her lips, an obvious sadness present. And if you had told Emily that Christmas would end with Alison peppering kisses all over her face, she would have scoffed and said there was a better chance of Aria dancing on dead monkeys.

But this feels like heaven- this is all she craves. Alison slowly guides her back and Emily lets herself lie backwards on the bed with Alison on top of her.

Alison's fingers dance underneath the hem of Emily's shirt, not daring to move up though Emily's hands are rubbing up and down Alison's back as they kiss.

Alison drags her lips down from Emily's to her neck and kisses softly before sucking harder and nipping, causing a small moan to emit from the back of Emily's throat and Alison rocks against Emily's hips at the erotic sound.

She feels Emily's hands slip from her back around to her breasts and a strangled moan leaves her throat as the brunette eyes her while squeezing them and pinching her nipples between her thumb and forefinger.

"Fuck," Alison curses and Emily finally smiles, happy to be the reason for Alison's labored breathing.

The brunette lets her hands wander back to the bottom of Ali's shirt and she pulls it off hurriedly, eager to see the blonde topless and her mouth goes dry at the sight.

Alison looks at her with an amused twinkle in her eye as she flips them over and lies on her back, her hair spread out below her as she stares up at her mermaid. Her pale skin is illuminated by the moonlight through the window and Emily can't stop staring at the beautiful sight below her. Her hard nipples on her perfectly round breasts, above her soft tummy, make Emily's center throb with need.

"Can you take yours off too?" Ali asks innocently, though she's dying to see Emily.

Emily complies and strips herself of her jacket and shirt, and is left in her lacy bra though Alison doesn't complain.

"You've only gotten more gorgeous," Alison breathes and Emily blushes. It warms her heart that her mermaid will still blush for her, after all this time. "I mean it Em."

"I used to dream about this," Emily whispers as she stares affectionately into those blue eyes. She's definitely fifteen again and so painfully in love that she can physically feel it. But she can also feel Alison's heat pressed against her thigh, and that just makes her core throb painfully.

"You won't believe me, but I did too," Alison tells her gently.

"I never thought I had a chance with someone so beautiful," Emily admits and Alison shakes her head.

"You were the only one that ever had a chance."

Emily leans down to capture her lips once more, their breasts pressed together and Ali can only whimper as Emily sucks on her bottom lip and rolls her hips so that her thigh hits her center.

"I need you," Alison whimpers as she guides Emily's hand towards her center and the brunette's eyes widen at how incredibly wet Alison is and they have barely done anything. She looks up into Emily's dark eyes. "I wasn't lying. Those kisses weren't for practice."

"Ali," Emily merely says and guides the blonde's hand down her toned stomach and the blonde whimpers because this is what she's waited for. She loves Emily's flat tummy- fuck it she loves everything about Emily.

Her eyes almost bulge as she realizes Emily is trailing her hand into her sweats, past her lace panties, and she moans involuntarily as she feels slick heat between Emily's folds.

"Em, shit," Ali breathes.

"I want you too," Emily admits shyly and Alison is finally seeing the girl she fell for.

Alison nods and kisses her, wanting to please Emily. She gets Emily out of the rest of her clothes, and then pushes her naked mermaid onto her back and gets between her legs.

She brings her hands around to hold her thighs down and she sees Emily's nervous face as she looks up.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," Alison says quietly but the brunette shakes her head vehemently.

"I want to," Emily pants and Alison smiles before she kisses her way up Emily's thigh and lets her tongue swipe at the slick folds and Emily whimpers as her thighs begin to tremble.

"Shh, we have to be quiet okay? My dad's sleeping," Alison warns and before Emily can get so much as an "okay" out, Alison closes her lips around Emily's clit and the brunette jerks her hips upward with a sharp gasp. This is everything she ever dreamed of- and it feels like pleasure she's never been able to achieve before. Alison's mouth on her dripping center sends waves of pleasure shooting through her body.

She feels Ali's hands roam up her body and grab at her breasts as her tongue flicks back and forth across the swollen bud and she has to bite her lip to keep from moaning. The blonde brings her hands back down and uses one to slip two fingers inside of Emily, causing the brunette to arch her back and thrust her hips into Ali's face.

It doesn't take much for Emily to cum, but when she does her body arches up off the bed and is shaking violently, little moans pouring out from her mouth desperately.

As she falls back against the bed, panting and trying to catch her breath, Alison slides up her body and kisses her slowly, lazily almost.

"Please don't doubt how I feel for you," she whispers a final plea. "You can do whatever you want, but please don't ever doubt how I feel."

Emily simply nods, and Alison kisses her forehead. "Merry Christmas Em."

"What about you?" Emily asks, her body still twitching from the mind-numbing orgasm that Alison just gave her. This all feels so strange, like an alternate universe.

"You're tired," Alison says with a sad smile. "I figure one day, if you forgive me, we can do this again."

Emily smiles shakily and sits up, but Alison is looking at her with these sad puppy eyes and she can't bring herself to say she should leave. Not yet.

"What?" Alison asks as she sees Emily looking at her.

"I believe you."

Those three words cause Alison to break into a faltering smile as tears well behind her eyes and she nods appreciatively.

She's well aware she's still in bed, with Emily, completely naked- this is the most vulnerable position she could be in. But it doesn't matter to her- none of it matters to her except Emily, who pulls her in close and lies them back down. So she curls up at her side and lets herself silently cry while Emily has her arms around her.

Maybe she won't go to hell, she thinks, before she falls asleep, because Emily is an angel. And maybe Emily can show her how to be a better person, help her to get back on the right track. Maybe Emily will come back soon, and maybe in this life of mistakes that Alison's made Emily won't be one of them.

But at seven thirty am, Alison pretends to remain sleeping as she feels Emily stir and get up to get dressed and leave. She opens one eye just a crack to see Emily's face one last time in the protected privacy of their secret affair.

"Ali," she hears the brunette whisper.

"Hm?" she pretends to wake up sleepily and Emily is kneeling by her bedside, staring at her intently.

"I'll come back, I promise," Emily says solemnly and the blonde nods.

"When?"

"I don't know," Emily shakes her head and the both of them know it could be today- it could be next week, it could be in three months. Their one night together doesn't undo years of pain, doesn't undo all their mistrust- it adds to their confusion, but it pushes them a step in the right direction, they hope. And that's all Alison can really ask for, it's the only thing she wants for Christmas- a fighting chance with Emily Fields.

The brunette kisses her forehead and leaves swiftly, otherwise she'd be tempted to stay longer.

Emily trudges back to Spencer's through the snow and shudders as she steps in the house, only to be greeted with Hanna's frowning face.

"I don't want to talk about it," Emily mumbles as she gets a glass of water.

"I won't tell," Hanna sighs, sipping on her own glass.

"Han," Emily says pensively as she stands with the glass and then looks at the blonde, a pained expression on her face.

"Yeah?"

"I can't do this anymore."

"I know," Hanna replies softly. Her snarky attitude is gone, and this is the kind, sensitive side to Hanna Marin.

"Promise you won't tell anyone?" Emily asks, her eyes begging.

"What are you two doing up?" The two hear a sleepy Aria from behind them and they share a glance before Emily goes over to the living room, telling Aria it's nothing and they were just thirsty.

Hanna watches Emily, and then turns towards the sink to put her glass in. It's then she sees the other blonde watching from her window, a sad look on her face. She looks towards Emily, and then back to the window- but Alison is gone. And Hanna is left to wonder if Emily will ever get her happily ever after.