A/N: Hey duckies! This is my first fanfic. Hope you like!
A/N #2: Edited and more details (10/10/17)
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Good Lord. Good Lord.
Was this how I died? In this pathetic way? God, is this your way to kill me when I didn't go to church, used your name in vain and spray painted the cat and that one time… Okay, I can see why I am dying this way.
But can you really blame me for what I did as a teen? I'm 24 for Rachel's sake. A 24 year old woman who works at McDonald with divorced partents and a dog.
Well at least I will be dead when people found me. I could hide my shame that way.
Hello there world, my name is Elise Volendo and I am dying of being suffocated by my dead, 267 lb. English Mastiff, Georgie.
Mama did always tell me Georgie would bite me in the ass…
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Georgie was a pretty old dog when I got him at 11 years of age. Mama wanted me to get a cute little puppy the supposedly 'spoke' to her. But, I didn't listen. I wanted the old pooch with sad browm eyes and droopy ears. Refusing to listen to Mama, I got Georgie from the shelter for the low low price of free.
(They said he was getting in on his years, and planned to put him to sleep the next day. Those non-belivers of hope.)
That was 3 years ago. And man, should I have listed to her now because, my now 14 year old English Mastiff just died on top of me (May he rest in peace).
Was it the burritos we had for dinner? Maybe he ate out of the trash agian. I did smell something funny...
With these thoughts, I started to feel faint and decided when I made it to the pearly gates, I would give God a stern talking too. Who else do you know died by a dead animal?
But, no one ever told me that when I die by suffication due to a beloved pet, your guardian angel grants you a wish because he feels you are a 'pathetic mortal who needs my amazing skills' and 'you had a sad life with no action' and 'what kind of person dies by a dead dog'.
Within a few moments from meeting the angel who suposedly protected me, I felt the tight restrecting walls of someting soft and wet. Immedietly, I thought I was going to hell. Looking back at the coversation I had with the holy being, I wasn't that surprised.
Flashback (provided by Mr. Angel)
My eyes flew open ,as I started to gasp for breath, due to feeling like I had a thousand pounds on my chest. My hand grasped my shirt, wrinkling it while my heard pouned in my chest. A groan came out of my mouth as I felt a familar feeling in my stomach. Turning my head to the side, I vomited, accidently landing some of the chunky mess on a blond man's feet.
"You twit! What the everlasting hell do you think you're doing?! Do you think these are cheap?! They're not for your information! Holy Hell, these shoes are from the 2005 Fall Prada Menswear! Custom made for my feet! GUH!"
Snapping my head to the side I saw a very familiar pale blond man. And I gasped. Really. Like some type of lovesick school girl when she sees the object of her affection. It did a lot to boost his ego I was later told.
Until I opened my mouth.
"Wha-, who a-, yo-"
"Stop being a blubbering idiot and spit it out."
"Are you Draco Malfoy?"
"Are you?"
"I'M NOT SOME FREAKING TWIT WHO DOESN'T KNOW AN ATTRACTIVE MAN AND IGNORES HIM FOR HIS WHOLE LIFE! DRACO FREAKING MALFORY CAN GO ROT…."
It seemed this man had a hatred for Draco.
Shaking my head as I got up, I looked around as the strange man was still ranting about how 'he was better than that Malfory twit.' On my left was some dark pit where green fire would occasionally spit out of with screams coming out of the strange fire. On my right was some clouds that clustered together what looked like stairs.
"ARE YOU EVEN LISTING YOU IDJOT!"
Looking back at the man, he looked like he could take on some pro wrestlers and still have time to give Hitler a spanking. His blond hair that was at first neat, was messy from tugging at it, pale skin was blotchy from yelling and sharp blue eyes, had a film over them.
"Who are you? Where am I?" I innocently asked, pretending that his now frazzeled appearence had nothing to do with me.
The man snorted at me, giving me a look that I had gotten from my mother alot: 'Are you an idiot? Or stupid?'
"…What?"
"You mortals are idiots."
"Anyways, welcome to Hevell. Where people who had BORING LIVES end up. I know the name is idiotic, but God and the Devil came to an agreement on it…I belive you puny things call it Purgatory but that led to cats being here all the time...The summer of 1954 was not one to be remembered..."
"Uh, why am I here?"
"Your dead stupid."
Processing this information, I remember being suffocated by Georgie. Oh.
"Honestly, you mortals always ask the same questions. 'Why am I here? Who is that? Whats hell? How are you so beautiful?' Well I'll tell you. It takes at least two hours every day to end up with perfect skin like mine..."
The man was rambling about his skin routine as I was having an external crisis. The dick. Can't he see I'm suffering?!
"My dog killed me. My FREAKING dog killed me!" It seems that I have slipped into a panic attack.
"Calm down. I'm here because God has decided to let me grant you a wish as your Guardian Angel."
"Georgie KILLED ME! I died PATHETICALLY! My own baby KILLED ME!"
Growing a tick mark my supposed 'Guardian Angel' bitch slapped me.
"You calmed your tits down yet? Good."
Giving him a shocked look, my body froze up, autopilot taking control of me body.
"Good girl. I am here to grant you one wish. Any wish at all, go for it. I hope you wish for a good one since you were SO pathetic in this life. Maybe you can wish to get laid or to live as a princess when you get recreated by my Lord..."
As Mr. Angel was ranting, I was still panicking internally. Let me in on some information about myself. I have two auto pilot modes, sassy or robot. And due to me panicking about leaving my poor manga behind and dying because of my dog, MacSassy decided to come out and play
"I wish to go to the Narutoverse, you blond headed dick."
Flashback End
Seeing as McSassy thought everything was a hoax (the taco living bitch), she sarcastically wished to be born into the Narutoverse.
Turns out this angel listens to sarcastic wishes. Which is how I ended up being pushed out of a bloody tunnel which I'm pretty sure leads to hell (or the Narutoverse) screaming a Bloody Halleluiah.
God damn the angels.
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TBC
