Author's Note: My first Degrassi story! I am SO nervous, so I really hope you enjoy!
My reason for writing this so soon, is TurboWiz- Thank you for encouraging me and writing the best Degrassi story I have read so far. You're my inspiration for this fandom.
Blessings,
Sarah.
"You're smothering me, Eli. You knew I would come. You're manipulating me."
Eli awoke abruptly, his dreams of Clare in the recent months being nothing new. In frustration, he groaned and pushed himself out of bed. Yes, the last few months had been particularly tough. He had taken his and Clare's split hard, but lately, he had been thinking of her so much more. He had never cared about Julia as much as he cared for Clare. He supposed that was because Julia had been his first real taste of what relationships were, but that it had only been puppy love. He hadn't known what love truly was until he had met Clare. Now, he knew that love meant sometimes sacrificing for the other. He knew that it meant sometimes, you had to give up who you love for their own good. With all this in mind, it had surprised him that he actually came this year. But he had come often when it first happened, and especially during her birthday month. Something inside him beckoned him back to this place over the holiday season; her birthday week. He had to visit Julia one last time. He felt remorseful for shooting her picture at the church; sorry for blaming his problems with Clare on her. Their last fight came back to him in a painful whirlwind of memories, screaming at him as she had. He wished he had gotten it then; wished he could go back and change it. But he couldn't. He couldn't go back and stop yelling at her to leave. He couldn't go back and stop her from finally going- and getting killed for it. Eli knew that Julia's death was his fault. He had always brought out the anger in her; the impulsiveness. She would still be alive if he hadn't crossed her path. He didn't want to do the same to Clare, and he hoped he already hadn't.
He leaned his folded arms against the balcony, breathing in the fresh scent of pine and feeling the cold Michigan air hit his cheeks. Julia had been buried here, alongside her biological father. She had always expressed to her mother that whenever she kicked the bucket, she wanted to be with her Dad, and not in the state her mother her dragged her too with her stepfather. She could never get along with either of them, and her father had been her only real connection in life besides Eli and his family. Bullfrog and CeCe had become the parents to her she always wished for, and Eli felt terrible for ruining that for her too. Deciding to waste no more time, and wanting to get this over with early, Eli grabbed his jeans and slipped one leg at a time into the warmth of the black denim. He took his coat off the edge of the bed and secured the heavy buttons, locking his body in warm heat to fight against the snow. It didn't take him long to take an elevator to the bottom floor of the hotel, and he walked into the chilly morning air quickly.
"You can't say I never did anything for you," he spoke to the air grimly. "God, Julia I did everything I could."
He hastened his pace, feeling a bit apprehensive about visiting the graveyard. Usually, he wasn't so edgy, but today he felt so wrong. He knew he shouldn't feel that way, because he wasn't technically dating Clare. But still, shouldn't he have told her he was visiting Julia's grave over break? He shook that thought off quickly.
"Come on, Eli, you don't have to tell her everything. That's what she called smothering."
He continued on, watching the vibrantly colored butterflies trickling in through spaces in the gate. The wrought iron bars were ajar and Eli pushed the gate open all the way before walking inside. He focused his eyes on the far end of the gravesite. He knew her plot like the back of his hand- it never moved, just like she never did. He stared at it for a few hard moments, then swallowed thickly and sunk to his knees in front of her.
"What do you want me to do, Eli, beg? I did NOTHING! I'm tired of being accused! You won't believe me unless I'm on my knees before you, will you?"
Her screams haunted him; he was sure she would never go away.
"It's me who needs to be on my knees in front of you, Julia," Eli whispered, touching his fingers to the cold marble.
"I hope you aren't cold. It's almost a few degrees below out here," he stated absentmindedly, not sure what to say.
"How would you like me to say goodbye?" He asked in desperation, hot tears bursting from his eyes. "How in the world do I say sorry to you?"
"You don't have to say sorry to her, Eli."
Eli froze, breathing out a cloud of white breath before turning his head slowly to the owner of that voice.
"Clare," he breathed against the cold, standing abruptly. "What are you doing here?"
Clare looked into his eyes, her blue orbs glistening with unshed tears. As he stared back into her eyes, the day he first met her came flooding into his memory, replacing the cold memories of Julia with warm ones of a future with Clare.
"I know I asked you not to smother me, Eli, but I guess I wanted to see what it was like for once."
Eli knew she would have chuckled to ease the tension if it wasn't a situation that did indeed call for complete seriousness.
"I asked your Dad where you were going for break, just so I knew if I could send you a text or two, and when he said you'd probably be coming here today…I had to come. For you."
"Why?" He asked, only a bit annoyed. Clare could sense the edginess in his voice, and grimaced at the obvious abandon of his medication and therapy sessions.
"You don't have to be angry, or embarrassed, or whatever you're feeli-"
"-Clare, please, I am none of those things. If we ever got a chance to start over, I'd want a completely fresh beginning."
Eli took in a deep breath and looked back at Julia's gravestone, a small smile playing on his lips.
"That's why I came here," he confessed to her. "I came to finally say goodbye."
"Eli, you know you didn't have to do this."
Eli nodded mechanically, still staring at her name.
"Julia AnnMarie," Clare quoted from the stone. "She had a beautiful name."
"She did," Eli choked out.
"Eli," Clare stepped closer to him and rested a hand on his shoulder.
Eli reached his hand up to hers and their gloves met, though against the fabric he still felt her warmth.
"How can you be so sweet, Clare? How can you always forgive?"
"It gets easier," she replied. "Especially when you love somebody."
"Do you think Julia would have forgiven me?"
Clare sucked in a deep breath of cold air, and puffed it out slowly in short wisps of smoke. Finally, her lips parted in a soft smile, her cheeks snow kissed, and nodded.
"I don't see how she wouldn't."
Eli stared ahead into the distance now, thoughts of Julia seeming to be so far in the past. With his final ounce of courage, he pressed out curiously: "Will you forgive me?"
He turned to face her now, and she took a step closer to him, filling the gap between them.
"I told you forgiving is easier when you love somebody, Eli," she leaned up on tip-toe, kissing him softly.
Eli's eyes fluttered closed at the same time as hers, loosing himself against her kiss and forgiveness. He hoped that he could always return to this moment when he felt impulsive or angry; when he was about to cross the line of protective/smothering. Clare rested her head against his chest, the chill of his metal guitar pick necklace hitting her cheek.
"I love you, Clare," he whispered into her hair as the wind kicked up.
"I love you too, Eli," she spoke quieter, closing her eyes as tears cascaded down her cheeks. "I never stopped."
Author's Note: Like I said, I am so nervous about this. I am really happy that all of this came so easily, but I hope I wrote them well and that this was believable. I absolutely LOVE Eli and Clare- I just think their flaws make them even more beautiful. I hope I can do the story I have planned for them justice. Please review! I will continue if you all like it, and I will improve on anything you all may find wrong! Thank you all in advance, and thank YOU again, Turbo!
God Bless,
Sarah.
