Author's Note: So, chapter one of my first story! This was brief, I know, just an introduction-the chapters get longer, I promise. And, the M rating is for later chapters. I worked on this story for over a year-not diligently, obviously, but I can promise if you stick with it, it's already done, with a beginning, a middle, and an ending. I don't own these characters, but boy, if I did! Also, the title and a bit of the plot was adapted from the author of the Anne books-don't want to say much more to alert the plagiarism police, because let me assure you, that author did not write about man on man slash (there's some foreshadowing for you-if you're not into that, please give this story a miss)-and I no more "stole" from her than I did from Scott Fellows. Her Blue Castle is in a picture-when you read about mine, a lot of you will know where the inspiration for that detail came from. Anyway, to cover my own butt, anything you may recognize isn't mine. Happy reading!

"Logan, what's taking you so long? Everybody's already down at the car ready to go," Kendall said upon finding Logan just standing in the middle of the kitchen up in their apartment. Mama Knight had sent Kendall up to retrieve Logan so they could all go mini-golfing together: Katie, Kendall's mom, and the four boys. Logan was just supposed to run the day's mail up to the apartment and come right back down, but he'd been gone a good ten minutes.

Logan was a million miles away. "Huh? Oh, you all go on, I think I'd rather stay home…I'm not feeling so…"

"Do you feel faint again?" Kendall was by Logan's side in an instant, in case he was about to fall down. For the past month and a bit, Logan had been experiencing dizziness whenever Big Time Rush would do any dance practice. It was happening so frequently Griffin sent him to his own physician for tests, and that doctor in turn had referred Logan to the top cardiologist in Los Angeles for a consult.

"Kendall, if I tell you something, can it just stay between us for now?" Logan asked.

"Of course, but do you need to sit…?" Kendall stopped speaking as Logan pressed a piece of paper into his hand.

"Read this and I'll text your mom that they can go without us," Logan said.

Kendall gave him a puzzled look, but unfolded the paper and proceeded to do as Logan asked. Logan quickly typed a couple of lines and got an answer back in the time it took Kendall to take in the letterhead on the heavy stationery showing that the letter was from the cardiologist Logan had been to see.

"Ms. Hortense L. Mitchel?" Kendall said, raising his eyebrows and looking at Logan.

"Settle down, it's just a typo," Logan said, his voice uncharacteristically tense.

"Well, actually, it's TWO…" Kendall began, but stopped as soon as he saw Logan's eyes flash. He turned his attention back to the letter. His eyes scanned back and forth quickly at first, as he read the doctor's opening comments apologizing for not seeing "Hortense" in person to give the results of the tests he had run, but a family medical emergency had required him to return to his native home in India. The doctor went on to apologize profusely for a few lines, saying normally he'd never burden a patient with details from his personal life, but his eldest son had been severely injured in a train accident and the doctor had to leave his practice and his patients to go try to help his son. Kendall could tell from the anguish in the doctor's comments that he had been extremely upset when he wrote this letter.

Once Kendall got to the part that actually pertained to Logan, his eyes slowed down as he tried to comprehend what he was reading. The doctor had written some long words that looked like Latin to Kendall-whatever Logan had, it looked big and scary. Kendall just sort of skimmed over that, since those words were meaningless to him.

"I am very sorry to inform you, and again let me reiterate how much I regret that I have to break this news to you in a letter and not in person, but I am afraid your condition is quite serious indeed. As I had feared upon examining you, your tests have confirmed that you have an extremely rare heart defect that is virtually inoperable." Kendall's hand holding the letter began shaking so badly he couldn't even read anymore. Logan gently led Kendall over to the counter and guided his hand down so the letter lay upon its surface. Logan sat on one of the counter stools while Kendall smoothed out the letter and finally read on. The doctor went on to encourage Hortense to continue to live life as normally as possible, saying exercise would be quite beneficial in keeping spirits up, and that "your dancing will probably be the best way for you to take care of yourself in the coming months and won't do your heart any harm. But by all means necessary, you must avoid being shocked or suddenly upset; a jolt like that to your system could literally prove fatal."

The last paragraph of the letter listed three other doctors the cardiologist could refer Hortense to, with the doctor urging the patient to schedule an appointment at the earliest convenience. He summed up the letter by saying, "I'm so very sorry, but the best prognosis I can give you is nine months to a year. I hope you find some comfort in the fact that you will not suffer, nor will your health noticeably deteriorate in that time. You have time to get your affairs in order, and you will feel well enough to do nearly anything you wish to accomplish before your time ends. Any time you feel dizzy or faint, just sit down for a few moments and those spells will pass. Get plenty of rest, keep yourself hydrated, and try to enjoy the months you have left."

Kendall had had to go back and reread so many of the passages-there was a roaring sound in his ears and he just couldn't comprehend what he was seeing on the page in front of him. Nine months to a year? So there was a very good chance Logan wouldn't see his twenty-first birthday. Technically, he'd never be an adult.

Kendall kept his head bent over the paper, even though he wasn't reading it anymore. He was trying to pull himself together before he looked up at Logan again-he was pretty sure when he did look at Logan, he was going to want to cry, and Logan didn't need that right now.

Just as Kendall was wondering what on earth to say to Logan, Logan began speaking quietly.

"I'm going to break things off, for good this time, with Camille." It's not what Kendall expected to hear, but he lets Logan talk without interruption. "I don't want anyone to love me just to lose me, plus I'm not going to waste a minute of my life with someone I'm not in love with."

Kendall asked, "How will she handle that? You've been together together since you became a couple again…"

"No-not like you mean-we've never…" Logan is trying to get too many thoughts out at once and slows himself down and tries to find a starting point to explain things to Kendall. "I've never really been able to trust her with my heart since she kissed James. And, uh, she actually confessed to me that she and James had sex at a party before we left on our last tour. She admitted it meant nothing to her except at the time she wasn't thinking clearly and had just wanted to hurt me for not fighting for her. And to that she added that she told me about it to prove that she didn't want there to be any secrets between us. I think she REALLY told me to make me crazy jealous and it almost worked- it made me think of her almost nonstop on the tour and hence my trying to get her to tackle me when we got back. But now I realize none of it is about love-it was all jealousy and possessiveness and I'm not going to waste any time playing her games anymore."

"Okay, Logan. It sounds like you know what's best for you guys. Um, do you want me to go with you when you tell her?" Kendall just wanted to do anything to be helpful.

"No, that's okay. It'll be fine. I think she's noticed I've been growing apart from her for a while now."

Kendall was at least relieved that he was now able to look at Logan without tears springing into his eyes. But he glanced back down at the letter lying on the countertop worriedly.

"Do you want to talk about the letter?" Kendall whispered, risking bringing his eyes back up to meet Logan's.

Logan just shook his head from side to side once.

"Can I beg you to do one favor for me, Kendall?" Logan asked, his voice shaky and pleading. Kendall's heart broke to hear it like that, but he solemnly nodded for Logan to go ahead with his request. "PLEASE don't tell anyone I'm dying."

Kendall swallowed hard, then squared his shoulders.

"I think I can do that for you."