A/N: So this was based off of a prompt I found on LiveJournal: "Seperim_ml: Dean/Castiel. In heaven, marriages are sort of a big deal." Also, I should probably specify: Dean's on bottom. He's completely and totally and deliciously on bottom, but, because he's silly, he thinks he's not. Silly Dean, you think you're a seme. How adorable. Also, it's not Beta'd because, even though I have a beta, that's a lot of pressure and this is just for fun.

Summary: Balthazar's pranks aren't always funny. Especially when they culminate in Dean and Cas getting married.

Warning: This is meant to be harmless fun, but there are some consent issues involving Dean and Cas. Mostly with how the 'bond' manifests itself and stuff like that. I mean this to be funny and sexy but it's pretty disturbing if you really think about it. Just like SPN.

I Now Pronounce You Dean and Cas:

Balthazar watched in amusement from behind his glass of champagne, observing the men's actions. He had never expected that getting Cas drunk could be so entertaining – granted, he'd never thought he would succeed in getting Cas drunk either.

"Cas, Cas, Cas! Remember the brothel!" Dean slurred. He was hunched over in his chair, beer in hand and almost falling over as a great wave of laughter overcame him.

Cas laughed as well though Balthazar was certain he had no idea what Dean was talking about. Really, he couldn't imagine why the angel had accepted a refreshment from him so easily. A special mixture of Enochian alcohol that the angel had never indulged in mixed with water and served with as innocent a smile as Balthazar could muster. Of course he shouldn't have been so weary that the man would be suspicious. The alcohol could only be found in the Angel equivalent of a speak-easy – the higher-up angels frowned on any behavior deemed Humanesque, so intoxication was a banned pass time.

"I have the sudden urge," Castiel said, "to 'shake my groove thing.'"

Balthazar smirked at the stiff usage of slang. "Well then, perhaps some music is in order." He offered, moving to get up.

"Great idea!" Dean yelled, staggering out of his chair. Balthazar stilled and watched the hunter in interest. With his limited knowledge of the man he didn't even need to guess that Dean would pick some horrid, repetitive rock music, but, much as the music would grate on him, watching the man fumble valiantly with the radio proved to be entertaining enough to make up for it. "Stupid buttons!" Dean hissed, banging the machinery against the motel table. He was met only with the sound of static. "Mortus ad lunum ex-"

"Christo!" Sam, who'd been passed out on the table, suddenly lifted his head, looking around expectantly. "Dean, why are you exorcising the radio?" He asked hoarsely, somewhat more lucid than the others.

"It's possessed!" Dean exclaimed, grabbing the instrument and clumsily making his way back to the table. "Listen." He brought the object up to Sam's ear, letting him listen to the crackling of the speakers.

Balthazar glanced over to Cas again, observing his slouching form. The man's trench coat lay abandoned somewhere on the other side of the room, having been discarded when he'd gone to jump on the bed, and his tie was wrapped sloppily around his forehead. Balthazar smirked as a sudden idea struck him.

"How about a refill, Rambo?" He asked the angel, satisfaction filling him as that caught Dean's attention.

"Rambo?!" He said incredulously, looking at Cas. Balthazar began to nonchalantly fill the angel's cup again as Dean scoffed. "Oh please. Like Cas could fight." The hunter chuckled.

"He beat your ass once." Sam laughed, always one to rub in Dean's small failures.

"He got lucky!" Dean countered.

"Hurting you was far from luck, Dean." Castiel said seriously. Though he hadn't meant it to be an insult it was far from surprising that Dean had taken it as one.

"Okay, Stallone, let's go!"

"Go where?"

"We're going to fight. Come on!" Dean moved to the center of the room, holding his fists in a boxing pose.

"I don't wish to fight you, Dean." Cas said.

"Let's go, Angel. I'm going to beat your haloed ass!" The hunter stumbled forward, swinging his fist at the man. Cas stood up and Dean fumbled, landing on top of the table.

Balthazar and Sam leapt from their seats as glasses and alcohol spilled to the floor.

"Dude!" Sam protested. His front was soaked with beer.

Balthazar hid a smirk and sipped at his champagne. He, of course, was as spotless and composed as ever.

"Hey, I fixed the radio!" Dean exclaimed, having already forgotten his goal to beat up Castiel. He was bent over the table and staring down at the music box that was sitting on the floor, the instrument having fallen during Dean's minor incident.

The hunter stood up and Balthazar's eyes strayed downward, spotting the liquid dripping along Dean's shirt. A small bit of worry hit him when he remembered that Enochian alcohol could be absorbed through the skin but he shrugged it off. It couldn't be that bad for humans. Probably.

With the radio working and a bit of energy out of their systems everyone soon settled down at the table. A pack of cards was produced and Balthazar quickly grew bored. He wasn't a huge fan of cards to begin with and everyone else was so drop dead drunk that they couldn't even keep track of what game they were playing. Or even how to play. Or what cards were. Balthazar was just preparing to make an exit when things took a turn for the best (a.k.a Worst.)

"Go fish." Balthazar grumbled, yawning in disinterest as he stared at his cards.

"What does that even mean?" Cas muttered, voice faint and tired. Balthazar decided that Castiel was a boring drunk after all and looked at him in irritation.

"It just means 'Go fish for a matching card.'"

"No, the song." Cas protested, gesturing at the radio that was now set on the table. "'It's a nice day for a white wedding.' What does that mean?"

"It means it's a nice day for a white wedding, Cas." Dean murmured.

"Is it?" Castiel asked, perking up. "Where should we have it?"

"What? You and me?" Dean asked incredulously.

"All four of us!" The angel exclaimed, gesturing around. Balthazar felt giddy as it seemed the angel was once again becoming an Enthusiastic drunk.

"Don't be silly, Cas." Dean snapped. "Four people can't get married."

"We're getting married?" Castiel asked.

"Are we?" The hunter muttered, looking at Cas with furrowed brows. "When?"

"Today. It's a nice day for a White Wedding!" Cas sang the last sentence along with the radio.

"You can't get married!" Sam protested. "You need a license. And it takes planning."

"Not in Vegas." Dean answered.

"Yeah, but Vegas is so seedy." Sam grimaced.

"That's what makes it awesome, Sammy-boy." The hunter said with a wink.

"Then we're off to Vegas!" Cas exclaimed. As well as Cas could exclaim anything.

Balthazar snickered as Cas and Dean stood up. Deciding the angel was too drunk to transport all of them he opted to assist and snapped them all to the city in question.

In retrospect Balthazar should have taken everything more seriously, but he'd been sipping on some of the Enochian Liqueur as well and, frankly, that stuff was far more powerful than earth alcohol. This is why Balthazar managed to watch the whole marriage ceremony without even an ounce of guilt and even served as a witness, despite the fact that in heaven, marriages are sort of a big deal.

Line Break:

Dean woke up slowly, letting out a heavy groan of satisfaction as soft sheets rumpled beneath him, comfortable and warm. His morning soon turned harsh though when a sharp pain slammed through his head and had him curling up in the fetal position.

"Son of a bitch!" He cursed.

"I believe that is the right sentiment." A monotonous voice whispered from behind him. Dean whipped his head around in surprise, groaning when the pain increased. "Cas?" He croaked when he saw the angel lying in the bed beside him. "What's going on?"

"I think we're being attacked." Cas murmured, looking to be in as bad of shape as Dean felt. The angel's clothes were crumpled, his tie around his head, and his hair twisted from sleep.

"I thought angels didn't sleep." He muttered.

"I didn't. I believe I, as you would say, 'passed out' for a little while. But I woke up some hours ago." Cas explained, peering up at him slowly.

"What happened?" Dean groaned.

"Somehow, I managed to get drunk."

Dean froze and looked at the angel in shock. "Really?" He couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped him at the thought.

"Balthazar tricked me." The man stated with anger evident in his voice.

"Oh." That was less funny. "Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?"

"Why are we in the same bed?"

The angel let out a sigh. "I'm afraid my memory of last night is…limited." Castiel admitted reluctantly. Dean knew for a fact that that was very, very, very bad. He was distracted from his worried thoughts as the sound of his cell phone drew his attention. Surprisingly, he found it on the night table. He would have thought, being as drunk as he had been that he would have tossed it in some mystery location.

"Hello?"

"Dean." Sam's anxious voice sounded from the other end.

"Sammy?" He asked, sitting up and ignoring his hangover as concern for his brother took over.

"Where are you?" Sam hissed. Dean looked around for clues before finding a pamphlet on the table.

"Um, Excalibur hotel. Why, where are you?"

"I'm on the roof of…something." His younger brother said, sounding confused and disoriented.

"I'll come find you."

"No!" Sam's protest was too hasty and it made Dean anxious. "I'll come to your room."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. What room number?"

Dean slowly stood up, walking over to his door and opening it. "Oh, come on!" He muttered in irritation.

"What?"

"We're in room…666." Dean grumbled.

"Really?" Sam snickered on the other end. Dean hung up the phone quickly and slammed the door shut. A groan sounded from the bed and he looked sheepishly at the angel, reminded of his own migraine.

"Sorry, Cas." He said, looking around the room for some Advil.

There was an awkward wait as Dean and Castiel sat on the bed, completely silent. For some reason the hunter had a hard time looking at Cas, instead choosing to glance around the room. The whole place was a lot nicer than where he'd usually stay and the impeccable order of the place grated on his nerves.

A knock at the door came as a relief and Dean quickly stood up, anxious for the prospect of more company. He wasn't sure what it was about being alone with Cas that bugged him, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. He opened the door and found Sam disheveled and looking lost in the hallway. The man quickly pushed past him and into the room, appearing shaken and hesitant. He froze when he saw Castiel sitting on the bed. Dean peered at him too, finding that he looked a lot better now than he had just a few minutes ago. The way the light seemed to reflect off him - he was quite angelic, which was fitting Dean supposed.

"Who wants food?" Dean asked and Sam turned around, looking at him in exasperation. "What, I'm hungry." He shrugged.

"Look, I have some…bad news." Sam said, stopping Dean in his journey to find his wallet.

"What?" He asked in concern.

"It has to do with you and Cas." Sam stumbled a bit over the angel's name. He looked down at the floor awkwardly and rubbed a hand over the back of his head.

Dean glanced at Cas quickly and felt his stomach growl, a pang of hunger going through him. He could really go for a bacon burger.

"Do they have a diner around here?" He asked.

"Really, Dean?" Sam cried, looking at him in disbelief.

"Okay, sorry." Dean muttered. "What is it?"

"How much of last night do you remember?"

"I remember…" Dean trailed off and thought. "Challenging Cas to a fight. After that, nothing."

"I'm only getting brief glimpses." Castiel answered, voice gravelly.

"Oh!" Dean suddenly exclaimed, rushing over to the night table.

"What, do you remember something?" Sam queried.

"Yeah. Room service." The hunter smirked, ignoring Sam's glare.

"Dean, put the phone down." The younger man ordered.

"I think you should just let him get something to eat." Castiel said and Sam sighed. They gave him time to order food, but the minute Dean had put down his phone Sam started again.

"Now pay attention." Sam snapped. "How much of last night do you remember?"

"I already told you, nothing." Dean growled, beginning to get irritated. "So, what the hell is going on?"

"You and Cas…may have…sort of…" The younger man sat down and hung his head.

"Well, if it isn't the newlyweds." Everyone looked up at Balthazar who had appeared in the room. "Ah, and the maid of honour."

"Balthazar, what do you want?" Sam growled, clearly mad. Dean just chocked it up to Balthazar being a pain in the ass and went back to staring at the menu, inexplicably hungry after a night of drinking.

"Just checking in." The angel smirked. "So, how's married life?" He asked. Dean looked up curiously. He was used to being teased about his bond with Cas but today Balthazar was oddly persistent.

"Okay, we get it. Cas and I are married, would you shut up." Dean hissed.

"You're taking it better than I thought. This is no fun." Balthazar said in disappointment. Sam gave him a pointed look and the angel grinned. "Oh I see, you don't get it. Let me spell it out for you: You and Cas are married."

Dean looked at the man in confusion. "What?"

"Yes, you and the Leader got married yesterday. It was actually a beautiful ceremony. I got pictures." Balthazar produced an envelope.

Dean snapped up and rushed forward, ripping the envelope from his hands. He pulled the photos out and stared in surprise. Right there, in front of his face, he and Cas were standing at the alter with Sam and Balthazar on either side of them. They all looked basically the same except for the last one in which he and Cas were kissing. Dean blushed as anger rushed through him.

"Shit." He muttered. Dropping the photo's he dashed forward, prepared to tackle Balthazar. However, before he could even make impact, a whoosh came from behind him and he was suddenly gripped in firm arms. A small shudder went up his back and he almost fell into the touch but, instead, struggled against the hold, wanting more than anything to beat the shit out of the angel before him.

"Balthazar." Cas growled and Dean felt a spark of something go through him. The angel was so close, right behind him, and his breath was hitting his ear. "I suggest you leave." Castiel was far angrier than Dean had ever heard him.

"Oh, Cas, lighten up." Balthazar teased.

"Now!" The angel shouted and Balthazar's smirk fell and he disappeared.

"Get off me." Dean snapped, pulling away from the angel's hold. He couldn't deny the small sense of loss that went through him but it was overshadowed by the sheer magnitude of the situation. "What the fuck, Cas?!" He shouted, feeling somewhat betrayed by the angel.

"Dean, you must not get angry at me." Castiel warned. "This situation can not be helped by rashness."

Dean growled and looked away, pacing back and forth. "Look, it's not like we're legally married."

"Actually…" Sam spoke up, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a sheet of paper.

"What is that?" Dean asked.

"Marriage license."

"You've got to be kidding me!" Dean shouted.

"Nope. It's legit." Sam said.

"Real names?" Dean asked, hoping in vain that he hadn't been stupid enough to sign his real name.

Sam gave him a look that was all the answer he needed. He'd signed his real name.

"Hold on, what did Cas sign?" He asked.

"Um…" Sam pulled the paper closer to his face. "I can't read it."

"I must have signed in Enochian." Castiel sighed, looking somewhere off in the distance.

"Then it can't possibly be legal." Dean shrugged. "Problem solved."

A heavy silence hung in the air and Dean looked at Castiel in curiosity.

"That may be true in Earth law, Dean, but in angel law…"

"Angel's can't get married." Dean scoffed, all tension gone now. His hunger, for some reason, was getting worse. "Damn, where's my food?" He muttered, looking at the door longingly.

"Dean!" Sam said warningly before turning his attention to Castiel. "What do you mean "in angel law…"?"

"There is such a thing as marriage in heaven. It has a very different connotation though. I believe you would call it a 'bond.'" Dean was looking at him now, terrified.

"And this counts?" Sam questioned, gesturing at the license.

"Yes, unfortunately it does." Castiel confirmed.

"Then we'll just get an Angel Annulment. Easy Peasy." Dean said.

Castiel huffed and looked at him. "There is no such thing Dean. Only very rarely can a bond be broken and only in extremely special circumstances. This, I'm afraid, is not one of them. Angels take marriage very seriously."

"How can it be broken?" Sam queried.

"Death." Castiel stated and the room was silent.

After a few moments Dean finally spoke up again. "So we're married?" He asked.

"Not quite."

"So we're not married?"

"Not quite."

"Cas, if you don't start explaining I'm about to give you an Angel Enema."

"Funny you should mention that." Sam muttered and Dean glared.

"We have formed a bond for the most part. However, we have not completed it." Cas explained. Sort of.

"So can we get out of it?" Dean asked.

"No."

"So how do we complete it?"

Cas glanced at Sam quickly before looking back up at Dean. "Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable without Sam in the room." He said.

"Why?" Dean inquired.

"It's rather…personal."

Dean debated mentally before deciding that it couldn't get more personal than this. "No. It's Sam's business too. How do we complete the bond?"

"We have to consummate." Castiel stated.

Dean decided that it would have been better to continue the conversation without Sam in the room. Sighing he rubbed a hand over his face. Overall, the situation seemed rather simple. "So, we just won't complete the bond." Dean said. It seemed easy enough.

"It's not that easy Dean." Of course it wasn't. "I'm already bonded to you. I am incapable of being with another and you are incapable of being with another." There was something in the angels look that said there was more to the statement.

"You mean sex?" He asked.

"Yes."

Dean could live without sex. It's not like his life revolved around it. Yeah, he could do it.

"Why are angel bonds so strict?" Sam wondered.

"It is our grace. When we bond we pledge our grace to the person we are bonded with. In order to rescue Dean from hell I already had to mark him as my own and, as such, I pledged a bit of my grace to him. Now, through our wedding ceremony, I have pledged even more and, without completing the ceremony, my magic will be split in half. My magic will not work as well as it once did and, eventually, it may cease to work at all. The two sides will be fighting each other. Dean, if we do not complete the bond I will fall from heaven. And you will slowly eat yourself to death." That caught everyone's attention.

"What?!" Dean cried.

"I'm sure you are feeling it already, the hunger." Castiel said.

Dean nodded, stomach growling to confirm the angels words. He had been feeling ravenous all morning.

"The human body has a curious way of manifesting the bond. I do not know much of it but when a human is bound to an Angel their need turns into hunger. I believe your distractions this morning are an example of it. In small doses it can be quite harmless but in such a high concentration it is potentially fatal. If we do not complete our bond then you may die." Dean was getting really sick of the word bond and he had the sudden urge to punch Castiel in the face.

"How could you do this to me?!" He exclaimed. Castiel shrugged.

"I was drunk."

It was at that time that room service finally arrived. Sam got the door and a flustered attendant brought in three trays worth of food.

"How much did you order?" Sam asked, turning to look at Dean. The hunter sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm hungry."

Sam huffed and thanked the attendant. Dean grabbed a tray and sat at the table, tearing into his meal. He glared at Cas from behind his waffles, hating the angel more than he thought possible.

"I'm not gay, Cas." Dean growled through his food.

"I never thought you were." The angel stated matter-of-factly.

Sam hovered on the sidelines, watching Dean chow through his food with some concern.

"Dean, it's not-"

"Butt out, Sammy." The man ordered, staring down the angel as he shoved another bite in his mouth. It was almost comical if it weren't so…sad.

"Dean, I have no wish to force you." Cas sighed, seeing that the situation wasn't going anywhere. He got up.

"Where are you going?" Dean asked. Sam frowned. No matter how much Dean pretended to hate the circumstances it was obvious that he at least wanted Castiel around. Sam wasn't sure how he felt about that.

"There are things I must accomplish in Heaven and it is prudent that I do them while I still have the power. If you're in trouble you may call Balthazar."

"Balthazar?" Dean asked incredulously.

"Yes, it's his punishment." The angel disappeared, leaving Dean staring at empty space in protest.

here...