31 December, 2011 – 1 January, 2012

Another new year and here I am still in the hospital. I can now say my resolution of last year (to get out of the hospital) was a complete and total bust. Alice called a little while ago from a club taking advantage of our 21st birthday last September and drinking champagne. I could barely hear her over the music. She sounded so happy, but as a shopping pixie, I think she's always happy, it's just who Alice is.

So regrets of this year, I know I'm not the only one out there that has them and it's only fair I write them down. . .

One. . . I didn't get to say good-bye to the little boy from down the hall before he died. I must have cried forever after that. Brian was so sweet and 100% cancer free. He died from complications from the surgery that got the cancer out. Just thinking about it is enough to choke me with tears.

Two. . . My father is still by himself in that tiny house three hours away from me, eating at the diner every night except when he brings fish home from his fishing trips with Billy and Harry. I want to be with Charlie and help him. I was a really good cook before I got put in the hospital six years ago. Six years, that's depressing to think about, moving on.

Three. . . I only emailed Renee when Carlisle reminded me to, but I talked to Esme every day and Charlie at least twice a week. What can I say, I love Renee, I really do, she's where Alice gets her crazy personality, but she hasn't really been my mother since I was four years old and she took Alice and left me with Charlie.

Four. . . All the clothes Alice sends me just hang in the closet except for the fashionable lounge wear, because God forbid that any sister of Charlotte Alice Swan-Brandon not be fashionable even in the hospital. *Note: This was only included in case Alice gets a hold of my journal. It will annoy her to no end and I have to do something for fun around here. Evil laughter here.*

Now that last year's regrets are done and gone through on to the revolutions.

One. . . Gain back ten pounds. Why the laughter? With all the medication I'm on this is actually a hard thing to accomplish. I did it last year and the lost it again after my last surgery. Life is vastly unfair.

Two. . . Finish the book I started writing last year. What else am I going to do in my spare time. There are only so many correspondence courses I can take and so many books I can read. The other activity I would do, namely sitting with the younger patients and making sure they have fun is out for a while. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet after Brian's death.

Three. . . Wear one of the cocktail dresses hanging in the closet. I don't know what for yet, but I will wear one. *Note: Again only for Alice's benefit, but it got written on the official list so I have to do it. Heavy sigh.*

Ah, here we are 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Years!

Let's hope this year brings, well, hope.

Felicity Isabella Swan