Title: Still Holding Out For You

Author: Orasa Nekuma

Warnings: angst, sorta messin w/ Duo's childhood, implied sexual things, angsty Heero POV…

Disclaimer: I don't own the show or any of the kawaii characters from it *dammit*…I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue. You wouldn't get anything if u did, so just don't bother…I also don't own the song, which is "Still Holding Out For You" by SheDaisy.

Pairings: 1x2 sorta, 3x4

Note: This is set after the war, and assumes Heero and Duo got together at some point. And does anyone else think this song makes a _perfect_ angst songfic? It just _works_…incredibly well. Read and see what I mean…

"blah blah"=spoken words

'blah blah'=past spoken words

//blah blah//=thoughts

{blah blah}=song lyrics

~*~*~*~*~= time interval

"Good-bye, Heero," you said coldly. "I knew you could never love someone like me." Sadly, you turned and walked away, your braid—that long beautiful braid of hair that I had so loved—swinging behind you like a tail. I held my hand out, my mouth open, but no sound came out. //Come back! I didn't mean it!! Please come back!!!// I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell you I loved you, that I always had, and always would. But the words would not come. After your walking form had faded into the snowfall, I slowly turned and walked back into the empty house.

//Why did he have to hit with that today?// I asked myself. I had come home and you were sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with near lifeless eyes. Your normally sparkling violet eyes had turned gray and dull.

"Duo?" I said. "What's wrong?" You said that I wouldn't understand, and I said that I would, that no matter what it was, I would still love you. And I still do. But you surprised me. When you told me…I just…froze. I didn't know what to say or do.

Then, the first thing that came to my mind…was anger…my own emotions betrayed me. I yelled at you. At you…my love, my sweet angel…my salvation. If it was possible, your eyes got even worse and you went upstairs and started packing your stuff. Without one word, without giving me a chance to explain. I didn't say a word either. I didn't know what to say. How to make it right again. And now you're gone. Now it's too late.

Slowly, I walked up to our room and dropped myself onto the bed. I grabbed your pillow and pressed it to my face, breathing in your scent. And then, I started to cry, which is something I _do not_ do. But…for you…I cried. I cried myself to sleep, your pillow clutched in my arms, wishing it was you.

~*~*~*~*~3 years later~*~*~*~*~

I woke up with your old pillow in my arms, just as I had for three years. I still lived in the same house…our house. I refused to sell it, even when I had no job and no money. I never thought there would be a need for me to get a job. Quatre always sent us a bit of money, and with you getting money from his salvage business, it was more than enough. But…after you left…the little that Quatre sent wasn't enough.

For about a year…I almost didn't make it. I almost got the house taken away. But I refused to give up. I wanted…no _needed_ to stay here, in this house. I need the memories of you…I need them to stay alive. I held on to this place hoping you would come back. Hoping I could tell you what I couldn't say before. "Duo…it's ok…I forgive you…I still love you…" I whispered, but only the wind heard me.

{Never thought I'd be in this place

It's someone else's life I'm living

Wish I were living a lie

The hardest part is when the bough breaks

Falling down and then forgiving

You didn't kiss me good-bye

I'm choking on words I didn't get to say

And pray I get the chance one day}

Yesterday, someone knocked on the door…I thought for a moment that it was you. I practically ran to the door. But when I opened it, it was just Quatre and Trowa. They came to visit…and tell me they were getting married. They invited me to the wedding, but I said no. I have to be here when…if…you come back. That's what I told Quatre. He gave me a look full of such pity that I wanted to scream at him, to defend my Duo…to tell him that my love _would_ return to me. But how could I do that…when I don't know myself if you will?

{I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think, you'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holding out for you}

Last night…last night I dreamed you were beside me. I could almost hear your breathing, feel your arms around me. I could smell your sweet scent. But then I woke up and it was just your pillow, crushed in my thin arms. I've lost weight since you left. Eating…just doesn't seem so important anymore…not without you. I was cleaning out the closet the other day and I found your favorite leather jacket…you know, the one you thought you lost. I found it for you, love. Come back and get it…please…

I walked past it hanging on the coat rack this morning. I stopped dead in my tracks and went over, just to smell it, to see if it still smelled like _you_. It did. I cried again. I sat there on the floor and sobbed, holding your jacket in my arms. I know that if you were here, you would yell at me for crying over you. You would tell me to get on with my own life and forget you. But you're not here. And I can't forget.

{I can hear you smile in the dark

I can even feel your breathing

But daylight chases the ghosts

I see your coat and I fall apart

To those hints of you I'm clinging

Now's when I need them most

I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead

At least that's what you would have said}

When are you coming back, my love? I baked your favorite cookies. The ones with peanut butter and chocolate chips. Today is the three year anniversary of the day you left. Every year, on this day, I prepare myself for your return. You haven't come back yet. Maybe the third time is the charm? I hope so. I don't know if I can go on like this for much longer.

{I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think, you'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holding out for you}

I'm laying in bed, your pillow clutched to my chest, tears streaming down my cheeks. The plate of cold cookies is still sitting on the table. Tomorrow, maybe I'll give them to the kids next door. They love those cookies almost as much as you did. You didn't come. I want to scream and tear things. I want to hate you for leaving me like this. But I can't. Slowly, just as I have every night since you left, I trace your name onto my pillow, hoping…fearing…thinking irrationally that if I do it enough times, you will return.

{Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep

It's the only comfort I feel

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think you'll be here like before}

I dreamed of you again. I dreamed we made love. Just like we used to. And then we were talking…and you told me. You told me—just as you did on the day you left—what they did to you…what happened to you as an orphan on the streets of L2. And…instead of getting angry and then not knowing what to do, I held you, comforted you. And you didn't leave. You stayed here, with me. I wish…oh how I wish…that that dream could come true. Where are you? Come back please…

{I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think, you'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holding out for you

Holding out

Holding out for you}

I thought I heard a knock on the door, just before I fell asleep. Was it you? I don't know. I didn't get up to check. Maybe…maybe I'm finally getting over you. It's been three years now. Isn't it time to let go? To stop hoping…stop dreaming…stop wishing? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Except that I love you. And I will never stop waiting on you…to come home.

*~Owari~*

*SSSNNNIIIIIIIFFF*…ok…that's my dose of angst for the night. *big sigh* Small question…should I just leave it here, or write a sequel where Duo comes back? Lemme kno what ya think, for now, I gtg to sleep! My mom has already yelled at me 4 stayin up too late…I went and turned the light off and kept working so I could finish this. But _anywayz_…I am goin now, bye!!