Disclaimer: I don't own anything…well, except for that bag of rice over there, and that garbage can lid. Harry Potter and all the characters in this story belong to J.K.R unless I say otherwise. Otherwise- Shakespeare owns Romeo and Juliet, of course! Well, you get it, standard disclaimer stuff should be in here, because my thing doesn't really make sense.
Title- A Most Unfortunate Tale
Summary- Hogwarts is staging a play: Romeo and Juliet! Amazing how much the lives of many in the castle walls parallel the story of the star-crossed lovers! Funny? Who'd a thunk? HG/SS n' H/D
Rating: R, cuz of language, mild violence and sexual innuendo… innuendo? *wink wink* Strange bedfellows indeed…
~~~~~~~~
"Mmhmm…" She agreed nonchalantly to his ranting. She sat there, listening to Harry Potter argue with himself for the umpteenth time about the best way to go about castrating their favorite Blond Slytherin.
"It's not as if he … Anybody could do that by accident!" She nodded in assent and peered over at Ron, who was listening intently.
"So Harry, how'll you get back at him?" Ron chimed in, he just had to see a shamed Draco Malfoy.
"Ugh, I don't think so. He'll probably see anything I do as flirting," he let out a shudder, "Nuh uh, He's not going down THERE again."
Hermione giggled, and the two boys turned to stare at her. She shrugged, "What's the harm in it, Harry? We're graduating in less than half a year; we're probably never going to have to deal with him again. Get him back, while you still can."
They couldn't respond. They stared at her, visibly repulsed and trying to hold back gags. The only reason she'd suggested exacting revenge on Malfoy was because she was tired of listening to Harry gripe.
Draco had openly flirted with Harry for the entire year, which ironically enough was the year after Voldemort and his Death Eaters were uncovered and, many of them, killed; Lucius including. Harry was repulsed, of course, but was able to ward off the other boy by running away or ignoring him. It was only during that morning that Malfoy had dared to pounce on Harry, leaving him too shocked to move and get out of groping range. Tonight's tirade was the result, and to Hermione's great chagrin, Harry had decided to unleash his pent up frustration and horror on his two best friends.
Harry made it a point to ignore what she had just said, and so continued with his speech, "Draco Malfoy cannot get away with this! I'll have to tell the Headmaster, maybe I can get him expelled! Maybe…maybe he'll have to serve a week's worth of detentions!"
Hermione decided to wedge in another comment, "Maybe, Harry, maybe you're actually enjoying Malfoy's attentions. Maybe that's why you're so worked up over him. Hmm?"
She eyed him with a lifted eyebrow and an innocent little smile. He glared at her.
"Maybe I don't like men's hands touching my…touching my…down my pants!" Harry couldn't let the words out, and was granted with disgusted looks from Ron and peals of laughter from Hermione.
"Alright, Harry, you win. I guess Ron'll do for you, then?" She laughed again as the boys looked fearfully toward one another, and she left the room before they could scream at her.
~~~~
There wasn't much to do for the rest of the night. She couldn't visit the library, as Madam Pince wasn't anywhere to be seen and she didn't want to risk getting yelled at by the books in the Restricted Section.
She decided to simply roam the halls, Head Girl badge in place, and try to find students breaking rules. It was oh-so-much fun to catch them snogging behind statues or in empty classrooms and assign detentions. She loved the rush of the chase, the triumph of watching their horrified little faces peering fearfully up at her, hoping to be let go with only a stern reprimand.
She was blessed with Slytherins tonight. She tried sneaking up to them, to scare them before they realized that they'd been caught. To her great misfortune, Severus Snape was also trying to do just that. They ended up spotting each other before the two happily snogging Slytherins could see either of them.
Severus, upon finding her lurking behind a column, put up his hands to her, peacefully allowing her this kill. She smiled wickedly at him and accepted the gift.
Walking into the meager light emitted by the small candles scattered here and there, she let her face glow menacingly down at the couple. "Mm, I think a detention is in order for fornicating in the hallways, and, of course, for staying out past curfew."
She grinned, once again, wickedly at Snape and let her voice drop to an ominous pitch, "That'll be eight o' clock, tomorrow in Professor Snape's office, of course. And," she added, for extra measure, "for every second you two stare at me like that, it's ten points from Slytherin."
They quickly scurried, holding their robes to their almost-naked bodies, toward the general direction of the Slytherin Common room before Hermione decided to torture them further. "Hmm, that's thirty points now, you realize!"
They ran faster, and Hermione turned her head purposefully in Snape's direction. He stared at her dubiously.
"Miss Granger, that was most impressive. No simple reprimand should be that menacing." He glared when she tried to cover up a laugh, "But it's a detention for you too, I'm afraid. You must know by now that supervising detentions is tedious at best, it hurts that you think I have nothing better to do than to punish hormone-ridden teenagers. Tomorrow night, eight, don't be late." and he walked off.
She stood there waiting for him to turn around and fart lightning bolts or something, as she had never seen him quite so playful when assigning a detention. She shuddered and turned around, looking for more victims to share the detention that she was forced into. If she was going to have to face the sadistic punishment of Severus Snape, she wouldn't go without victims.
~~~
"Harry.. Harry, what do you think Hermione meant about …us?" Ron peered up at his friend from behind a Transfigurations text and squirmed under Harry's piercing stare.
"Uh…Ron? She was joking, just joking. What's wrong with you?" Harry was utterly perplexed, and Ron had to bury his face in the book to hide his getting-redder-by-the-moment face.
"N-never mind. Nothing….No really, nothing! I'm…gonna go up and sleep now…see…see you tomorrow, Harry." He tried to hide his face, which was unfortunately growing almost as red as his hair, and ran towards the steps to the dorms.
Harry looked up towards the staircase and shuddered as to what could possibly lead Ron to blush on his account. He was interrupted by a crisp voice.
"I told you he liked you." Ginny, this time, and Harry became even more tense.
"That's…disgusting, repulsive, horrifying… can't think of any more words for it, but you get my point. Ew…" He slumped over and mock-gagged over the armrest of his sofa.
"I don't know, Harry, gross as it is to you, I think Ron's fancied you since fifth year. There's no other explanation for the way he's been acting." Ginny walked over to sit herself opposite Harry, and she was trying to suppress laughter.
"This is getting weird, Malfoy and Ron? They should just… I don't know, get together or something, if they're so infatuated with men. Ugh, I don't want to think about it." He let out an audible sigh, and turned to stare at Ginny. "You, of course, are another story entirely."
She looked up wide eyed at him, "Are you FLIRTING with me, Harry Potter?"
"Uh…" He really had no response to her loud and unflattering inquiry, "uh…"
"I didn't think so. 'Night, Harry." She nodded curtly at him, and added as an afterthought, "Well, if you like Weasleys, I know a Ron who might take an interest in you." She grinned at his stunned expression and flounced up the stairs to the girls' dormitory.
"Good God, what is happening to this school?" Harry buried his head in his hands and tried to cry.
~~~~
Albus Dumbledore sat up in his study and was holding a very merry conversation with his portraits.
"Yes, well, then it's agreed. We're to hold a play at Hogwarts! Which will it be?"
"Westside Story!" roared the painting of Armando Dippet.
"Why not the original?" complained Derwent's painting.
Phineas Nigellus snorted, but tactfully remained out of the conversation.
"Calm down, we'll put up the flyers for Romeo and Juliet tomorrow morning! Nothing better than the story of a love that cannot be!" Albus looked thoroughly excited as he put on his nightcap and thought about the auditions for the play and who would show up.
~~~~
Weird? Likely! Sad? Maybe! Fun? Definitely! Fucked up? Most Assuredly! The most carbonation you can get out of a can of soda? HELL YES! Logical? ….er..what?
R n' R please! I appreciate any and all comments, as long as it's not a pointless flame. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy this suitably crazy story!
