Title: Never Kiss A Dead Man
Author: Shelby
Rating: T (15+)
Summary: When Ino hunts for the Immortal group terrorizing Konoha on Halloween night, she doesn't expect the evil man she finds to be . . . sexy. Influenced by Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Light Hidan/Ino.
AN: Inspired by my old favorite show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with references to the series. Mr. Pointy = Mr. Stabby :) I hope you all enjoy. I made Ino as in-character as possible; I wanted Naruto and Sakura to be part of the scooby gang, and Kakashi as Watcher just because. (I did mention Asuma though as well, since he technically is Ino's teacher.) Dedicated to all Buffy fans.
Reviews = TLC, since I have a lot of math tests coming up. :(
The rusted gates to Konoha Cemetery were closed shut. Autumn leaves carried by the wind crackled dryly against the pavement. It was Halloween, a night for children to dress up around the neighborhood and to wear a slutty costume - a perfect night for the local immortals to wreck havoc on innocent souls.
Ino walked towards the graveyard, crunching on leaves and wrapping her sweater closer to her body. She had chosen to wear her oldest shirt this time. (Last time, that new silk blouse? History, thanks to demon blood.)
This was the place. Yes, definitely. The town's historic cemetery gates were rusted but beautiful, immaculate twining metal meeting to make a cross. 'Konohagakure Cemetery' was inscribed in the arch beneath.
"Make sure you look out for anyone suspicious . . . mainly the Immortals," Kakashi had suggested off of Sakura's research. "His group - ah, what are they again? Oh, yes - the Jashinists pick a burial plot to perform the awakening rituals on All Hallow's Eve. Midnight, to be precise. They're planning to . . . resurrect a God of some sort, from one of the tombs that supposedly lies in those grounds."
Gods? Immortals? Ino shivered. She didn't like the sound of that. At least the wooden stake in the back of her jeans was comforting. Mr. Stabby was always a comfort. She couldn't help but wonder if the Immortal and his followers would even be here tonight.
I have to clear my head, Ino thought, psyching herself up for some kicking, punching, and getting some more huge bruises on her thighs that would definitely show during cheer practice.
---
Thump. Ino brushed the dirt of her thighs. Crash landing. She hadn't quite gotten that whole 'scale the fence' thing quite right yet.
Slowly she stood, wincing, already feeling seriously creeped by even being in a graveyard. She knew that Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto were hidden somewhere. Where, exactly, she didn't quite know. Thanks a lot, Kakashi. 'We'll be on the move' really explained a lot.
"Don't worry. We'll have your back," her Watcher assured her. Somehow Ino didn't feel that assured. She had only been . . . slaying - even the word felt funny on her tongue - for only a few months now, and her entire world had been literally turned inside out and upside down. Monsters, demons, lycanthropy - and finals. What more couldn't a girl want?
OK, so she was the 'chosen one'. And yes, she was the only one who was destined to save Konoha from the fiery (sort-of) figurative pit of hell it was resting on. But sneaking up to her window at 3 AM and having to take a test on chemistry the next morning so did not define 'normal'.
Ino sighed, slowly pulling Mr. Stabby out of her pocket. It was a gift from a previous watcher, a friend of Kakashi's named Asuma. He was a nice man, and had helped them during their first mission - Ino had to battle out a wiccan group, possessed from some spells gone wrong. Now, Mr. Stabby was her favorite weapon. It was carved from Snakewood, and it was the best present she had received.
Clutching the stake in her hand and double checking that she still had her cross, Ino trekked forward, stealthily scaling the graveyard, not quite sure what was going to happen, and as always, if she would come out unscathed or alive.
---
Slants of moonlight peeked through the red and brown leaves of the trees. It was almost midnight, Kakashi concluded as he glanced at his watch. Almost time for the ritual preparations to begin.
Kakashi sighed and looked at the cemetery gates from behind the ancient Jetta. He wasn't sure when they would be able to get into the graveyard, or how -
""Kakashi-sensei! What are you doing?" Naruto whispered loudly enough for the silver haired Watcher to jump.
"Naruto! Be quiet!" Sakura said angrily, flipping through the spell book and the 'Guide to Immortals and Creatures from Beyond' book taken from the magick section in Kakashi's special library at school.
Besides being a Watcher, Kakashi taught Geometry. Like that makes any sense - we know. But Kakashi was devoted to his job as a teacher, mostly. He loved torturing demons as well as children.
Naruto pouted and said, "Why couldn't I have gone with her? Isn't it my duty to be the back-up man?" The blond had first joined the gang when he found that a stake to the heart is the only way to kill your best friend-turned-bloodsucker. He had been sort of forced to go along with the whole slaying thing, after the 'monsters do exist!' secret became more than clear.
Sakura ignored him and whispered quietly to Kakashi, "Sensei, do you really know what Ino is getting into? I mean . . . these guys, these - these Jashinists, they're extremely violent, and often subject their victims to countless acts of torture before . . . before killing them."
Wringing his hands together, Kakasi said calmly, "I know. That's why we're going. I've changed my mind. We're going as close as we can."
Both teens turned to look at the math teacher.
"B-but Kakashi, I don't, I mean – I have to go into a graveyard?" Naruto said anxiously, but Sakura covered his mouth.
"I'll go, Sensei. Ino's my friend, before a Slayer. Ri-ght, Naruto?" Sakura said slowly, giving him a look. The blond sighed and nodded helplessly. Batshit crazy immortals, a mean on-and-off girlfriend, and getting to watch the high school squad captain cut off some heads. Nothing could make the night better.
---
Suddenly, there was a noise.
Ino froze, quickly ducking down behind a large grave, her heart pounding. Another noise – footsteps, then, "Where the fuck is everybody?"
She gnashed her back teeth, her grip on the stake so secure her knuckles turned white. OK. So maybe the Immortal wasn't a vampire, but she would still kick his ass with Mr. Stabby, leech or not.
More footsteps. They were getting closer. Leaves crackled underfoot. Ino closed her eyes and prepared to attack. 1, 2 . . .
3! She sprung, jumping up, ready to kill -
Only to bump into a very broad, muscled chest.
"Woah, woah, woah, Princess. Watch where you're going," A firm voice said, and Ino held back a scream in her throat as she jumped back, as Kakashi had instructed in their training, gripping Mr. Stabby with shaking hands, unwilling to give up her resolve . . . even though the Immortal was a touch good looking. And sort of sexy.
The Immortal - what had she been expecting, really? An ugly goblin with horns growing out of his head? A witch and a warlock, standing over a bubbling caldron and casting spells? Well, that was sort of what she was getting used to fighting, but still.
He stood, almost six feet tall to her 5'3, staring lazily with brilliant violet eyes, pale skin, and shiny silver hair, slicked back into a vampire-like widow peak on his forehead. Well, Ino mused, trying to ignore the sexiness, at least he looked like the undead in one way.
"You had best be warned - I'm the Slayer, and I am so going to break up . . . this . . . party . . . ." Ino trailed off as the Immortal slowly started laughing, a wheezing, low sound as he tried to control himself. Soon, it grew to a full-blown cackle, and he held his sides in pain. Ino stood, extremely annoyed, flipping her bangs out of her eyes and glowering. She had so never had this happen before.
"You - you're, you're the SLAYER? You?! You, you look like one of those prissy chicks on WTV, or whatever the hell kids call it these days," Hidan laughed, sighing and wiping a tear from his eye. If he hadn't been so . . . civilized, Ino would have already lunged forward and shoved her stake through his chest. Or maybe his eyeball.
---
"Talk. I want answers." Ino had lunged forward, shoving the Immortal up against a very large tomb stone, the stake driven through his wrist pinning him there. In this position, her knife pressed dangerously close to the vital spot her Watcher had taught her how to find, the moonlight beaming down, the Immortal looked strangely angelic.
"Hey, little girl. I didn't mean to piss you off. I talk shit. Deal. But seriously - you should've seen the broad that 'slayed' before you. She had the moves to fucking //kill//." His cheeky grin made Ino frown and press the knife a little closer to his neck.
"I said talk. I'm the one in control here."
The Immortal sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you know my bio by now. I'm Hidan, the king of virgin sacrifice, murdering, you know, that whole 'big bad immortal!' stereotype. Oh, it hurts bad, babe." Another sly grin, and he pressed himself on the knife.
Ino watched in horror as the man bled buckets out of his neck, making her gasp. He started muttering slow incantations, probably putting a curse on her, ripping his hand free of the stake and making the Slayer fumble to catch it.
When Ino looked up, the Immortal was no longer there. She turned her head, craning her neck to hear any sound -
Suddenly she felt a presence behind her and, at the last minute dodged out of the way, rolling on the ground and hearing the woosh of a very large blade nearly cut her in two.
The vampire-like man grinned cockily above her, poising a large three-bladed scythe over his head, preparing to kill.
Hiding weapons, Ino thought. Crafty – but not crafty enough. She pulled out the cross, reassured by the cool metal in her palm. The edge had been wielded to also work as a stake. Hidan scrambled back, free hand held up in a 'don't shoot' style, looking alarmed for the first time since their odd encounter.
"Alright, alright, play it cool, honey. I'm here to do business, not get my ass kicked by you," the Immortal said, sounding genuinely pissed. "Oh, and can you put that fucking thing away? It's not easy on the eyes -"
Before he could finish, Ino threw a punch, aiming for his chest. She had never like chatty cathy's, especially ones who were zombie gods.
A/N 2: Part two coming up soon (a few days). The editing process is almost finished. How did you like it? Don't forget to review. Thanks for reading and supporting my stories. I appreciate it.
-Shelby
