Chapter One – My Mother's Room

EPOV

When I look in the mirror, I see someone other than myself. My piercing topaz eyes the only feature that stays uniform, as the rest blurs and distorts into a silhouette of my mother. It's almost funny how my eyes persist to deceive me in every way. Rapidly but subtly, my harsh jaw line softens and my eyes attain that certain glitter only mothers possess. Under the dim bathroom lights it's almost as if she's standing right in front of me.

The ache in my heart still feels fresh and brash, like it had been dappled by the marks of loss just a few minutes ago. But, truthfully I have been stuck with this growing feeling on me for years. I suck in a breath and smothered the flames as best as I could. I refuse to shed a tear; I refuse to believe that she is gone. She is still alive.

I left the bathroom and switched off the light. I walked down the hall, and knocked on Alice's door.

"Wake up! You are not skipping school again, I'm keeping my eyes on you", I shouted.

My sister Alice was fifteen and seemed to know how to break every single rule I set out for her. What more can I expect? After all, I am her eighteen-year-old brother, not the father she was supposed to have.

"Go away!" she muttered. I looked down at my watch, to only see that I was late for work. Whatever. I'm not responsible for her actions. She needs to know what it feels like to not have someone looking after her, needs to feel what I feel every moment and every second of the day.

I continued down our raggedy hallway gliding my fingers along the closed-in walls. My eyes followed across the worn carpet and to the beige door in front of me. The nooks and crevices so familiar to my eyes that I didn't even need to look to see, I could be blind for all I care and still know that door.

I closed my eyes and I felt it, deep within my chest, underneath the ache, burn, and hurting, it was all there. The need to open the door simply besieged me and took the life out of me. I stepped closer and grasped the golden knob with my hand, only to feel the coldness of it radiate throughout my body.

I did what I was supposed to do years ago; I walked in. Clothes were strewn across the floor, her makeup open on the mahogany vanity. Books, CDs, notes, pens, diaries, markers, her glasses, it was all still there. Everything was still in the places where my mother last left them, where her presence was last graced. My mother's scent was still lingering in the air, apples and homemade cookies.

In the corner of the room I caught a glance of a picture. A picture of her long bronze hair twisted in a bun and her smile as big as the photograph itself. Her arms were wrapped around my body, squishing me with all her force, like she could keep me forever. Suddenly, my heart starts to pound slowly and my hands grew sweaty. She was never here; she was never alive within me. She decided to leave and not stay back. Five years of pain, anguish, and bottled up anger slam into my body as I cried over my mother for the very first time.

My mother was really gone.


Seconds, hours, minutes, it all seemed to blur together into a blob. Laughter bubbled to my lips, who needs time? Who needs anything, when one knows their true intentions in a heartbeat? And I am that one. I am that person, who distinctly knows what he is doing.

So standing there before me was a train station. Neatly dressed businesswoman and men were rushing towards it. They were talking on their Bluetooths while walking with their confident stride, never missing a step. My jeans and polo shirt and slow saunter paled in comparison.

My heart, soul, spirit, was numb. I refused to allow rational reasons to enter my mind, let alone thoughts themselves. I reached the edge of the train station ledge and heard the nearby church bells ringing seven droning periods.

It was time.

The train hissed its way down its path, leaving no room for error or hesitation. I got down on my knees to only feel them dampen, while raindrops trickled down my face. My salty tears and the freshwater mixed together, I couldn't tell which was which. I used one of my hands as support and rested it on the ledge as I plunged down onto the surface of the train tracks. The heat of the train lights pierced its way through my shirt and onto my flesh, as it grew closer. I let my body freeze and got prepared to face my true and well-deserved end.

Time slowed. There were panicked screams and wild shouts as people realized where I placed my body. In reality I only moved a couple of yards across, but the intent behind the position of my body was clear. I wanted to die, and blatantly displayed it.

Just when I felt the rush of life about to leave my heart, I felt an arm reach out and grab mine. My first reaction was panic. I want this to end. I don't want to live. My mind was thrown in a tumultuous frenzy as my body was launched back onto the solid cement of the train station floor. I let out a growl as I realized that the train had stopped and opened its doors to let in passengers like it always had done. Like I never existed in the first place.

It was then that I realized that the hand was still clenching my arm.

"You! It was you! Can't you tell what I was doing? Can't you mind your own business?" I screeched.

My voice reached a tone of a level of fury that I never knew existed. I looked down to see that my fingers were accusing a blonde man with a cool, placid look plastered across his face.

"Just calm down and come with me", he replied as he tugged on my arm.

I fought and kicked and screamed. I looked around frantically to only see shocked faces staring at my crazed eyes. They witnessed the scene, the scene that revolved around me. God, I hated being the center of attention. But none stepped up to the plate and stopped the man. I was under his control and I had no choice but to follow him.

As I walked away from the train station one thought was clear: my one chance of doing something what I wanted to do was yanked out right from under me. Like it always has.


I was taken into a toasty warm Porsche and was seated in the passenger seat next to the mystery man. That was when I decided to accept that I would not be dying today and looked up to assess the male before me.

His eyes did not seem kind, but not cold either. He was dressed in crisp, fresh suit with his blond hair in coif. There were some lines and wrinkles sunken into his face that have marked him as a man who has been through thick and thin. However, that did not deny the fact that he irrevocably ended my plans for today. In an instant the anger and resentment flowed through my veins once again.

"What do you want?" I grunted.

"Actually young man, that is the question I should be asking you." His voice was smooth and confident. To the slightest extent he reminded me of my father, or what he once was.

"What?" My frustration and confusion was all displayed in that little word.

"My name is Carlisle, and you are?" He stuck his hand out as a friendly gesture.

"Edward. Edward Cullen. Not that you need to know"

"Actually Edward, I would like to know a lot about you." I was about to interject but he put a hand up as a sign to wait, so I obeyed.

"You see, I have been waiting to find someone like you for a while, but before I continue I would like to ask you some questions." His cobalt blue eyes looked into my emerald ones for approval and I nodded in response.

"You jumped in front of that train for the reason to end you life. But, are you still willing to die? Are you willing to die in a moments notice in the near or far future?"

"What the hell do you mean? Why are you questioning my actions? If it matters at all, then yes, I am willing."

Carlisle's stiff frown turned into a weak smile as he absorbed my words. "Now, Edward. What do you want?"

"Excuse me?"

"What do you want? There must have been several reasons behind why you planned to end your life today, but there must be at least one thing that you desire. One thing that you would do anything for, what is it?"

I was getting angrier by the minute. Who does this man think he is? Not a second ago did I know a single thing about him and now he's asking for my heart's deepest longing? Once the rage ebbed away the sadness seeped in. I chuckled manically-it has been years since someone asked me for what I wanted.

"My mother." I answered in a clipped voice.

"Is she in trouble? Where can I find her?" Carlisle asked in a hurried tone.

"No, she's dead" I said flatly.

Carlisle sighed, a heavy one too. "I am sincerely sorry for your loss, but I would like you to try again. Think about it Edward, I know its hard for you. For someone who wants to end his life there must not be many desires within you, but what do you really need right now?"

I had to take a minute and comprehend the question he was asking. There was nothing right now that I needed but darkness to take over me, something told me that Carlisle didn't want to hear that. I thought back to Alice, how we sometimes had to struggle to survive. How there would be days where we had to skip dinner just to pay the bills.

"I need…money, enough to keep my sister and I alive. Enough to live, if that is what I am doing now."

"Now, I can arrange that. I'll pull some strings and arrange you a job, I'll supply you the money to pay your bills, and more. Anything you need help with, I will assist you."

"But why? Why are you doing all this for me? I am an eighteen year old who wishes to depart this life." I questioned.

"Edward what I am asking from you is a favor. I will return you this favor on one condition. If I am to call you in the next hour, day, year, or minute, and say that you must come over to my house and die, you should be willing."

"Why would you need that? Do you find pleasure in a suicidal death?" I asked bitterly.

"No, not at all Edward. But, I'm afraid that I can't answer your first question. The deal is a favor for a favor, in this case money for your life. Here, call me when you have made your decision." Carlisle reached into his suit pocket and handed me his business card.

"I will call, when I am ready." I whispered.

"Wonderful. Now, where do you want me to drop you off?" Carlisle's face went from serious to relaxed within a second, this man had some serious mood swing issues.

Nonetheless, I numbly gave him the directions to my small apartment knowing that I was not in a position to go to work. As the Porsche jerked with a start, my mind could not help but wander back to the black obscurity it had been cloaked in only moments ago.