I found this on my laptop that I wrote when I was 'in a bad place' which you can probably tell. I wrote this because it annoyed me how lots of fanfics out here (don't get me wrong, I do love them, it just irritates me a bit) have a fairy tale ending, or fairy tale middle (like Kurt having a problem and then getting with Blaine).
I decided to write a little reality.
Kurt cries every time. He can't help it.
He's slumped over a toilet, tears dripping down his nose and into the bowl as he gags. He should go back to class. Go back to pretending that he's alright, that he's not dying.
He's told Blaine, of course he has. He told him back when he was diagnosed, he told him when he started taking the radiotherapy in tablet form, he told him that he has medication that controls the side effects. He told Blaine the text book version of what he's going through.
Blaine doesn't know that Kurt cries himself to sleep after coughing up what little of his dinner he was able to eat. Blaine doesn't know that Kurt wakes up several times a night, only to collapse on the bathroom floor a few minutes later because he's just too tired to get back to his room after being sick again. Blaine doesn't know that Kurt's hair is thinning out and he has to style his hair oh so carefully in the mornings to hide the patchy areas, even though he feels so nauseous to stand for too long. Blaine doesn't know that the medication he's on to 'control' his side effects have a minimal effect on him, apart from making him sad and angry and not him.
Blaine doesn't know how terrified Kurt is. He's not terrified of dying, though. He's terrified of dying unloved and alone, just like he is now.
Would anyone mourn for him? Would anyone cry? Would Blaine?
Kurt stands shakily and flushes the toilet with a grimace. He leans heavily against the cubicle, trying to calm himself. Then he opens the door and rummages in his bag whilst walking over to the mirror mounted on the wall. Luckily, he had Glee when he began to feel ill; they wouldn't notice that he was missing. He doesn't know why he still attends Glee Club; he doesn't feel like performing anymore- he's already acting so much, pretending that he's coping. It's probable that he only goes to spend more time with Blaine- whilst he still can.
He digs out his toothbrush, toothpaste and mouth wash. Six months ago, Kurt would have found what he was doing right now disgusting- who cleans their teeth in a public bathroom?- but now, it's something he has to do. Better that than puke-breath.
Once he's cleaned his teeth and fixed his hair he wipes away stray tears and turns away from the mirror before he has the chance to see just how bad his skin has become.
Kurt strides into the choir room, smiling broadly, head held high. Blaine grins at him and his heart flip flops pathetically. Fucking Blaine and his smile. Kurt doesn't like to admit it, but he knows Blaine's the only reason he's fighting. It should be for his friends, or his dad, he knows it should, but he belongs to Blaine, well, what's left of him. The problem? Blaine doesn't want him.
Kurt had told him that he liked him, what seems like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was- Kurt feels like he's dead now. He kept the fact that he was head over heels in love with Blaine no secret- he had gone as far to hope that Blaine had feelings for Kurt but was too scared to go for it. He had convinced himself that if Blaine knew, they would get together.
He was sorely mistaken. Blaine had smiled at him but shrugged off his feelings. Kurt had thought that it would be awkward between them, but he was wrong again. They just went back to how they were before; were just friends. Kurt hated it. He wanted Blaine. Especially now. He wants Blaine to hold him, tell him that everything would be fine, that Kurt's still beautiful, that he loves him.
Instead, Kurt has to go alone. Just like ever since he can remember.
Kurt sits next to Blaine, where the only spare seat is. Blaine smiles at him and Kurt smiles back. Blaine makes him forget that he's ill. Well, he doesn't, of course he doesn't. But he makes it better. Kurt isn't crippled by tiredness, or nausea, or sadness. It's still there, but it's manageable. When Blaine pulls a face, or tells a stupid joke, he doesn't have to fake a reaction like he does with Rachel and Mercedes and Finn. It comes naturally.
Please, Blaine, just love me. Please. I already love you. Just love me back.
Kurt hates those romantic movies and books. He hates that it never works out like that. Blaine won't ever love him. He wanted Blaine and he got cancer. That's just the way the world works.
Fucking Blaine.
Fucking cancer.
Kurt and Blaine talk about their English essay that's due. It should be a small, insignificant conversation but Kurt knows that he's going to be remembering this every time he's crouched next to that damn toilet for the next week. Replaying their conversations makes things easier for Kurt. Reminds him to keep fighting. Reminds him to keep living.
Kurt is so fed up and so tired. He's seen those 'It Gets Better' videos- they kept him going when he was bullied relentlessly. They said that things would change and he'd be around to see it. He knows he won't. Blaine will. Beautiful, handsome, kind and caring Blaine. He'll find someone, fall in love, settle down. Perhaps he'll get married and adopt. He'll forget about Kurt.
One of the things that Kurt hates though, is how naive he was when he was first diagnosed. He thought that Blaine would realize that they had limited time to be together and then kiss him, profess his love, comfort him through the treatment, holding his hand, kissing away tears and then rejoice was Kurt was cured, happy that the love of his life would grow old with him.
In reality, Blaine said he didn't know what to say, hugged him and said that he hopes he gets better soon. In reality, Kurt is alone and isn't getting any better. In reality, Blaine will choose someone else. Someone better.
Kurt was disappointed, to say the least.
Now, he just wants a proper kiss, before he dies. That's not too much to ask, is it? Kurt's sure Blaine can put up with one kiss. At least he's alive and well.
"Kurt, are you alright?" Kurt tries not to get too hopeful at the concerned tone to Blaine's voice.
No. "Yeah."
"How are you doing with…" Blaine stops, and when he resumes speaking his voice is barely a whisper, "The Thing?""
Terribly. Worse than I could have imagined. I could be dead within a couple of weeks. "Fine. Better than I thought. I could be cured within a few more weeks since it was caught so early."
"That's good then."
Kurt thinks that yes, it could be good. He's had enough of this torture. Maybe dying alone is better than living like this alone.
Kurt just hopes Blaine will come to his funeral.
