Disclaimer: the tv show supernatural isn't mine so please don't sue i have no money anyways... i'm just doing this for sake of destiel.

authors note: this is my first story so i will very appreciate critical comments and comments in general please rewiew since it make me know that people are interested. i deleted my prievious story love will find a way this is the same story... just changed the title.


-…Stupid…

Kensas, Texas, 2013

Dean's ~p.o.v~

"No!" with a jerk Dean woke up. Heart pounding fast . Breathing ragged . With clammy hands he wiped the sweat out of his face. it didn't help . His face is still sweaty; Dean thinks he added more. He doesn't care .

Body hunched, crossed legged, hands covering his face. Sweat filling up his nostrils . Breathing in and out trying to calm himself. It doesn't work. He smells of sweat . He doesn't care . He tries to breathe in once more, this time he achieves. Not by much.

For a moment Dean just stays like that. Face down, body hunched and he allows it. To stay like that . To shelter himself, to appear as weak, vulnerable. The moment's over . He straightens his back.

Dean's back to himself again. He looks over to the other bed and lets out a relieved sigh. Sam's still asleep; Dean didn't wake him… that's good… since he really, really doesn't want to talk about what happened... not now, or to be frank ever ... And knowing his brother he will surely want to talk about it… And that's not good… Not for Sam and especially not for Dean's emotional state. Tough to be honest Dean's emotional state has been pretty fucked up ever since Cas died four years ago. Well even more so…

Dean shakes his head, tries to clear away the direction of where his thoughts were taking him, it works. he knows that it won't last long it never does… His thought's and his thoughts in general always, always has a way of catching up to him but it's okay.. He's okay for now… And that's all it matters.

Not knowing what to do, he looks up at the ceiling for some sort of inspiration. His mind goes blank.

But he does know one thing. And that is that he shouldn't be nowhere near this place, with a grunt he moves of the bed and gets his jacket, boots as quietly as he can, not wanting to wake Sam up. With a final look at his brothers sleeping form he closes the door of some crappy motel room behind him.

Dean passes the impala and just keeps going. He's used to traveling long distances on foot, and can feel the familiar comfort of the black night covering him up like a second skin.

Head down, hands in his pockets not really paying attention of the direction of where he was heading, or to be frank not really caring. And before he knows it Dean finds himself on top of a hill, tall grass around him left to grow unattended.

He looks up at the sky and the first thought to come to mind is that it's beautiful. Clear black sky, dozens of stars shining like little diamonds.

For a brief moment, Dean wonders if Cas is up there 'watching over him' he chuckles at how silly the thought was. It really, really was stupid. But for some reason that he can't comprehend the thought is stuck there in his brain. Well it's not like it's impossible. No one does know where angels end up after they die, so ya it could be very possible for one of those stars to be Cas… Watching over 'humanity' like some creep.

And the thought makes him …

Feel …

Bitter… Angry… He wants to scream.

Dean wants to yell out. Yell out that Cas is a stupid fucking bastard. Yell out that he hates him, Hates him so soo much for leaving him like everyone else that he cares about. Yell out that he needs Cas to be here...

And you know what.

He does.

Dean screams. He screams his lungs out. He screams about everything that he thinks about. Everything he hates about Cas. Everything that could have gone alright if Cas wasn't stupid. That he was there, always there… if Cas just needed him.

Knees on the ground, body arched, face up at the sky.. a prayer position.. Dean searches and searches for the shiniest star. Dean thinks he found the one. The star is quite small he thinks but somehow it out showed every other star

"I miss you…"

His voice came out gruff, wrecked. Dean couldn't help the small smile that came up. He kinda sounds like Cas.

He's still in the same position when rain started pouring down.

Dean doesn't move, doesn't want to move. He doesn't know how long he was stayed there. Hour's maybe. Rain pounding on his head, back.. He feels cold.. He doesn't care, he feels comforted in weird sort of way.

When Dean does get up. His body is sore, everything hurts not that he was surprised.

Dean walks back to the motel, but this time he takes in the surroundings around him, it's nothing special. Bushes in his left and right, a couple of head lights on both side of the road, lots of rubbish around a rubbish bin. Cars passing on his right, it's nothing special, but it just soo normal. It gets to him, he doesn't like it. Everything is so normal… It's like nothing changed. Dean knows that in rational mind he shouldn't feel hostile about the situation.

But he does…

Mostly everyone in his life dies or leaves or is left behind. He hates it, hates being a hunter, being a hunter is the cause of basically every problem in his life, hates the situation that he's in. Since he knows that if he doesn't have hunting he doesn't have anything. Well except for Sam and Bobby other than them he would off have nothing… After all he only has six bucks to his name…

Face up looking up at the sky Dean finds that it's morning. He feels cold, he didn't notice it before but he does now and it's freezing. Rubbing his hands together, trying to get rid of the numbness in his hands, it kinds of hurts due to the how stiff they were, after a few solid minutes of intensive rubbing, Dean can start to feel his hands come back to life.

Face down, hands in his pockets, kicking a few stray rocks in path way, Dean walks back to the direction of where the motel is.

Dean finds his way back to the motel of where he and Sam were staying around seven in the morning. He reaches for the door knob and jerks back away immediately the door basically snaps open.

Sam's there, hair messed up, eyes wide... Sam looks… weird

"Where the hell have you been?!"

"No just went out for a walk" trying to walking past him but was blocked by Sam's frame, what he said was completely true but somehow he still manages to feel guilty. Great.

"Really cause you look like hell"

"It was raining when I came back .. So I'm gonna to take a shower"

"You do realise that we need to ta-"

"No. We. Don't. " Empathising each word as he stood his ground, not wanting back down from his brother who does'nt seem to be backing down at any moment. What else is he supposed to do? Since clearly he can't get take a peaceful shower like he desperately wanted to do.

Feeling like this is enough. Dean pushes past him a little bit harder than strictly necessarily, but he doesn't really care. Anything to get out of this conversation.

"Dean"

"Sam" his voice final. But he could tell that Sam wanted to argue but something stopped him.

"Yea okay…" it came out as defeated sigh

With that, Dean went straight to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He looked at the mirror in front of him and wow Sam was right. He does look like hell; Dean basically looks like a drowned rat.

He turns on the tap with a sigh, he splashed cold water on his face. Everything's mixed up in his head, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like letting his emotions control him, Dean usually always, always has a hold on his emotions, he feels like he's going to burst any moment and he'll scream, scream louder, longer than today and he's afraid that maybe next time he won't be able to stop. Ugh when did everything get so messed up… Oh right three years ago…

He steps into the shower and turns on the faucet. Warm water meets his body, the water slowly loses the muscles on his back , it's not the best water temperature but it'll do, Dean leans back on the bathroom wall, eyes closed slowly letting is mind go blank for few hours. He sighs…