Memento Mori

By Rainy D

A/N - Woo, another Gravi fic! I am trying to make this not total angst, though it will be in places. It's all about my fave character TOHMA! He rules! Everyone should love him lots, like me XD Oh, and it's about Mika too _ I hope you like it, please please please review it!

Chapter One

1995

I'm at a wedding. There is young man sitting at one of the tables chatting quietly to my little brother. It looks like they're sharing a joke. He is swirling a glass of red wine in his slender hands. His suit is new and crisp and dark. His glasses perch on the bridge of his nose, sparkling slightly, illuminating his pale face. I'm make my way over to him slowly. Somebody gets in my way. I push them back, not gently. I have to meet this man, because it seems like he might disappear. He turns and spots me. He must recognise me, even though I've never seen him before. He smiles at me gently.

"Useugi Mika-san? Your brother was just telling me about you."

Said brother jumps up from his seat. Even though he is obviously older, in his twenties, this other man is not a lot taller than him.

"Mika-neechan, this is Tohma." He says. His voice still hasn't broken, and he still sounds about 8. I smile at them both.

"Nice to meet you, Tohma-san." I shake his hand. It's warm and soft, just like I would have thought. I decide I want to get to know him better. I ask him out on a date. He looks a little surprised, but agrees. I start to sit down, but mother calls me over to help get Tatsuha, my other brother, into the car. He's only 10 and it's getting late, so he wants to go home. I go to her, but not with one last look at this mysterious man who, if I'm feeling right, has already stolen my heart.

*

She was pretty, I won't deny that. I liked the way her coffee hair fell in front of her face neatly, and I liked her perfume. But really, if she hadn't of asked to see me again, I probably would have never got in contact with her again.

I'm talking to her brother again now. Eiri, his name is. It's a nice name. I like the way it rolls off my tongue. He's talking, but I'm not really listening to what he's saying. I'm more looking at his eyes. They're blue like the sea, and they sparkle too. He's stopped talking now, just smiling at me. I think he's gathered I wasn't paying attention. He puts his head to the side and giggles a little, then puts his hand over mine on top of the table.

I sit up dead straight.

I move my hand away slowly.

"Eiri...I have to go."

His smile droops, the sparkle fades. I congratulate the bride and groom, then leave. The air is fresh and hits my face in a cool blast. I touch the back of my hand. Where his was. I pause for what must have been a long time, because when I look up, he's there sitting on the wall. His legs are swinging slightly and the wind blows his hair. The light from the reception shines on one side of him; the other is dark. He looks really beautiful like this.

"Eiri, go back. Your parents will be looking for you."

"They took Tatsuha back, remember?"

I walk past him, not intending to stop, but he grabs my wrist.

"I wanna see you again, too, Tohma."

"...You can't."

"Why not?"

I can't look him in the eye. "Just because."

He lets go. I walk away. I thought that would be the last of it.

Hah.

*

"Mika-neechan, I'm going out!" And he's gone, just like that. I don't even have time to ask where. But I trust the kid. And besides, this gives me time to use the phone alone. I take a piece of paper off the table and dial the number on it. It rings a few times.

"Moshi, moshi?"

"Ah, Seguchi-san, it's Mika."

"...Mika?"

"...Usuegi...?"

I twiddle with the phone wire. Has he forgotten me?

"Oh! Gomen, I had forgotten. It's been a few days, I have the most atrocious memory." He's so well spoken, yet not stuck up. I love the sound of his voice. I can picture his face as he speaks to me. Just as handsome as I remember...

"Do you still want to meet up?"

"Of course, I'd be delighted. I know a great little place outside the town centre. If you've got a pen, I'll tell you where to meet me."

He gives me the address. We agree to meet at eleven in the morning tomorrow. My hand is tingling when I put the phone down. He's so...perfect...

*

I put the phone down a little worriedly. I hope I didn't give her the wrong impression...

"Who was that Tohma-chan?"

I flop on the sofa next to Ryuichi. "Just a girl I met. No one special." And that's right. I think I'd like to be friends with Mika, but nothing more than that. Besides...

"Ok, Tohma-chan!"

I already have someone.

As if to prove this point, he kisses my cheek, a little embarassed. It's strange, we've been together for nearly a year now, but he still seems embarassed when we kiss. I kiss him back; I can feel him smiling under my lips.

Annoyingly, the doorbell rings. I decide I'm too busy with Ryuichi to deal with such trivialities, so I shout "Noriko! Please will you get that?" then turn my attention back to my boyfriend.

"You fecking get it, lover boy! I'm BUSY!"

I sigh, straighten my jacket and attempt to get off the sofa, which is no easy feat when someone is still trying to make out with you. I half drag Ryuichi to the door and open it just as he plants a kiss on my lips.

"...Tohma?"

I shove Ryuichi off violently. "Eiri! What...what are you doing here?"

He grips his backpack's shoulder strap tightly. "I just...came to see if you were busy...It seems you are." He whispers the last bit. I feel awful. But then again, I DID tell him not to come see me. So it was his fault. Then why do I feel so bad?

"OW TOHMA-CHAN! THAT HURT!" Ryuichi screams at me. Now everyone's mad at me. At least Ryuichi never stays angry long. He bounces behind up behind me and wraps his arms round my neck, peering over my shoulder at Eiri. "Oh, he's pretty Tohma-chan!" Eiri blushes bright red, but doesn't smile.

"I should go."

"Eiri...You got me at a bad time...Maybe...come back in a few days?"

He shuts the door for me. His face is so sad, and just feel like the worst person alive. Now Ryuichi is frowning at me too. "WHO...was that?!" He says, sounding peeved.

"Just...some boy I met..."

"What, like the girl you met?"

"...I guess so..."

I slump on the sofa and don't look at him. I can hear Noriko banging around in the music room, occasionally dropping things and swearing loudly. I dread to think what she's doing to my keyboard.

"Tohma-chan!"

"Huh? G-gomen, Ryuichi..."

He puts his hands on my knees and looks at me earnestly. "Tohma...I don't want to lose you. You do still...love me, right?"

"Of course I do." And it's so true. I keep telling myself that. I do love him, I do...I kiss his forehead and hug him tightly. A loud "FUCKITY FUCK!" from Noriko spoils our moment, and Ryuichi giggles, back to normal. I smile at him. He's so cute.

"Come on," I say, "Let's see what Noriko's up to."

You may have guessed by now that I share a flat with two other people; Ryuichi, my boyfriend, and Noriko, Ryuichi's best friend. There's six big rooms, four on the ground floor, two upstairs. At first we all had a room, then there was the lounge, the kitchen and the bathroom, but after me and Ryuichi started dating, he moved into my room. So we invested some money, and split the other room, which is the biggest, into two. The smaller bit is for my piano. No one's allowed in there except me. The bigger one became our music room. Or 'crap corner' as we affectionately call it. The floor is a jungle of wires and assorted mikes, two keyboards, one in each corner and Ryuichi's guitar cupboard, as well as all the recording material. A bit of a squash, but we manage. Noriko in lying in a tangled heap on the wires. She is laughing quite manically.

"I've finally finished!" She says in a cracking voice. "It's DONE!"

No, she hasn't murdered someone. We've been recording a set of sound effects, rifts, scales, arrpegios and apeach samples for over a month now, and, with over 30 of each, Noriko has finished. She is currently jobless and had been spending all her time doing that.

"Let's celebrate!" She cried, trying to put her hands up, but failing because of the wires wrapped round them.

And so, we do. We order a huge indian take away, a few bottles of wine, and drag the hi fi into the lounge. We treat it as if we were going out somewhere posh, and all dress up for the occasion. Noriko wears the slinky dress I got her for her birthday for the first time. She looks stunning in it. Ryuichi wears a blood red shirt (open) and a pair of tight black trousers, and I have to stop myself from drooling. Even Noriko looks like she wants to eat him or something. I wear a black sleeveless top and black gloves that nearly reach my shoulder, and some blue leather trousers. It's almost a shame we aren't going out; we're wasting these clothes on ourselves. I suppose there's always next time.

A few hours later, we are all considerably...drunk. Noriko is crawling around on the floor laughing at anything. Ryuichi has turned into a giggling heap in my lap. He was stoned after the first glass, let alone bottle. There seems to be two of everything, and I can't quite remember where I am or who I am, but I'm happy enough.

The night is rather a blur, but I presume there was much sex, as I wake up naked in bed with equally naked Noriko and Ryuichi, both drooling on my chest. I hug them both, not so tight as to wake them, then get up carefully to get dressed. The headache kicks in as I drink my coffee. Ryuichi wanders in with his dressing gown on, rubbing his eyes and his head. "I don't...feel so good, Tohma-chan..." he moans groggily. Unlike most men his age (24), Ryuichi is rarely drunk. I think I've only ever seen him totally out of it twice, not including last night. His drops into a chair and thumps his head on the kitchen table. I stroke his hair softly.

"It'll go away soon. Don't worry, you just had a bit too much to drink. We all did."

He giggles, then grimaces in pain. "Ugh...I must have drunk a whole OCEAN of wine..." I kindly give him my coffee to sip on, then go find Noriko. She is sitting on the bed in her bra and knickers, trying to put her foot into her sleeve hole. I help her get dressed, guide her to the kitchen and make some strong, black coffee. She mumbles something I can't understand, but presume is thanks and walks shakily to the sofa. I look at Noriko's retreating form and at Ryuichi, each sip bringing more life into his eyes.

Sure, this life isn't perfect. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

*

I stand on the street corner, nervously. He's late. He didn't look like the kind of person who is late. But he is, and this makes me worried.

Oh god, I'm being so stupid. He's only ten minutes late. The traffic's probably bad or something. Yeah that's it. But even so, when I see him running down the street, I can't help thinking 'He didn't stand me up.'.

"I am SO sorry!" He cries, running up to me, clutching his hat so it doesn't fall off. I give him a minute to catch his breath when he reaches me. He bends over, panting hard. Even though he looks thin, he probably doesn't work out much. I help him back up, but...I pull my hand away from his coat suddenly. Fur...what kind of guy wears black fur coats? I shrug it off. It actually looks really good on him. The black is such a stark contrast from the pale blonde of his hair. He smiles that pretty smile of his and offers his arm. I take it gladly and he walks me to this restaurant. We chat on the way, but he is still a bit breathless, so I do most of the talking. I tell him about my family, my friends, what I want in life, hobbies. Stuff like that. He tells me about his life and his love of music. He sounds just so...perfect! There is no other word I can describe him with!

The restaurant is practically empty, and it's more of a bar really. There is just one other couple. I look at them and think 'I hope me and Tohma will be like that one day...'.

"They're cute, aren't they?"

"Hmm?"

He nods in the couple's direction. "They come in here everyday, and always order the same drink. One large pina colada with two straws. It's sweet."

I decide to go straight in. I'll start off with...subtle hints. "Yeah," I say dreamily, "Wouldn't it be nice to have that kind of relationship with someone? It must be very special." He nods. I don't think he's getting it. "Do you think it was love at first sight?"

"Oh, I don't believe in that! I think people need to get to know each other before they fall in love." I sit up straight. So...he wants to be friends first? Ok, so I can live with that. I can wait.

I can wait...

*

A few months pass. Eiri does not come to see me anymore, after that first disastrous visit, and this I am glad of. Mika, however, continues to meet up with me on a regular basis. I don't mind at all. In fact, I like it, and her, very much. She always has a lot to talk about. Unlike Ryuichi, she does not get bored with intelectual conversation, and unlike Noriko, she does not litter every sentence with a variety of swear words. Yes...I like her a lot.

But I think she likes me too much.

I think she's trying to flirt with me sometimes.

Not all the time.

But sometimes.

It's...off-putting, to say the least.

*

A few months pass. Every time I see Tohma I fall deeper in love with him. He's so gorgeous and smart and polite...I love him. I think he might be starting to love me back. I can't be sure though. We see each other more now. It's great. I love every second I spend with him.

However. Home life is not going so well. Eiri is slipping away. Something, soon after the wedding, happened to him, and he's changed. He's growing further and further away from his family, including me, and becoming more cold towards everyone. He sits in his room all day, writing stuff (he won't let anyone see), and he doesn't ever go out with his friends from school. In fact, I don't think he has any friends anymore. And I think he's started smoking. I saw him out in town on his own lighting up, but it was only a glance. It might not even have been him.

Oh god.

I should be paying more attention to Eiri.

But all I can think about is Tohma.

All the time everyday.

Seguchi Tohma...I love you.

*

I trust Ryuichi with my life. But, up until now, I didn't trust him with my piano. So one day, I say, "Ryu-chan, would you like me to teach you how to play?"

He looks at me, increduously. "But...I'm not allowed to touch your piano."

"I'm asking you now. Yes or no."

"H-hai! Of course!"

I unlock the door to my own little music room (I have to only key), and let him in. He almost gasps. The walls are pure white, and the piano is jet black. I polish it every week, even though no one sees it. I let him sit on my bench, next to me and tech him all the notes ( he can already read music because of his guitar), and show him how to play the really easy stuff like When the Saints Go Marching In. He picks it up quickly. By the end of an hour, he can play that, Twinkle Twinkle, Jingle Bells and Happy Birthday. He looks like he's about to explode with joy.

"Play me something!" He says happily.

"Me?" I'm very shy about playing in front of people. I could barely learn because I didn't want to play for my teacher. But this is Ryuichi. This is different. "Ok."

I play. I play Clair de Lune. I play The Heart Asks Pleasure First. I play Gnossienne No. 1. I play all my favourite songs. Ryuichi sits in the corner, with a glazed look on his face. When I stop, it doesn't leave.

"Ryuichi..."

He doesn't answer.

"Ryu-chan!" I say louder. He snaps out of it.

"Oh! S-sorry, I was just...That was so good Tohma."

"Yeah well...There are people much better than me." I look at my watch. "It's late. Come on, we'd better go to bed."

We do so. He lies, staring at the ceiling for a long time, before saying suddenly, "Do you love that other girl?"

I sit up. "I love her like I love Noriko. Like a friend."

He turns over, not wanting to look at me. His voice is quiet and childish. "You're always going out with her." I couldn't think of anything to say, so waited for him to go on. "You don't go out with me anymore."

I wrap my arms around him and kiss the back of his neck. "Ryuichi...I'm sorry. Tomorrow, we'll go out then. And how about you come out with Mika- san and me one day, to get to know her? How does that sound?"

"Ok...It sounds Ok."

But he still doesn't sound so sure.

Ryuichi...

How could you doubt me?

I trust you with my life.

I trust you with my piano.

*

I haven't seen Tohma for a few days, until he calls up out of the blue. He asks me if I want to go have dinner tomorrow night. He's never asked me to dinner before, always lunch. It's seems like a...a real date, until

"Is it alright if I bring along a friend?"

"Uh...Yeah, of course, that's fine."

We arrange it all.

I spent all the next day wondering who this mysterious friend is. Even Eiri, who barely talks to anyone now, asks me why I'm being so distance. I am inclined to laugh, as he is the most distant person I've ever met now, but refrain for fear of upsetting him.

The evening comes, at last, and I get really dressed up. I even wear earrings, which I never do normally. But this is special. My special date with Tohma.

He picks me up at seven in his new red sports car, which I helped him pick out. I ask him where his friend is. He says he's meeting us at the restaurant because he wasn't ready in time to go. I let out a slight sigh of relief. I was a bit worried that he was bringing his girlfriend along. Thank god I was wrong.

We pull into the posh side of town and up to a restaurant that looks like you have to pay to wipe your feet on the mat. I ask Tohma if this isn't a bit expensive. He smiles and says of course not. I smile back. This really must be a date.

The friend is waiting nervously outside. His stance reminds me of myself when I though Tohma was late for our first meeting. He is dressed up too, although his fashion sense is different from Tohma's. At first I think his hair is black, but when he moves into the light, I can see it's a dark olive colour. He seems quite nice.

He and Tohma greet each other with a hug. I hang back, unsure what to make of this. They must be very close friends. I see the other man smile for the first time. Tohma pulls him over by the hand towards me.

"Mika-san, this is Sakuma Ryuichi. Ryu-chan, Useugi Mika."

Ryu...chan...? Whoa, whoa, did I hear him right?

Ok, calm down Mika. It's really common to say that to your friends. Nothing to worry about. God, I'm being so stupid! This is my date with Tohma. Because he loves me. Of course he does. We walk in. It's even more glamorous inside than I though. Tohma and Ryuichi don't seem to think it's anything out of the ordinary. They are talking between themselves. Ignoring me. I can't help wishing I'd said no when Tohma asked if he could bring someone.

We sit at the table and I am now included in the conversation. Tohma does most of the talking. He tells Ryuichi about me and me about Ryuichi. We order starters. Tohma tells us an amusing thing that happened to him at work yesterday. Neither of us laugh. We both seem very apprehensive about all this. Tohma's laughing fades out nervously. We all sit and stare at the table until the starters come.

Then everything happens.

Ryuichi seems to cheer up at the sight of food and shovels his prawns into his mouth, but not messily. Tohma and I eat our melon and berries and talk about shopping. It's weird that Tohma likes all the things I like (even the girly things), but then again, it's great, because he doesn't object when we go shopping or see chick flicks at the cinema and things like that. It makes him even more perfect.

Tohma gets a bit of raspberry sauce on his cheek. He doesn't seem to notice. I'm about to point it out, when Ryuichi says, "Oh, Tohma-chan, you got food on you. Here." and he licks it off.

My mind is screaming.

Did I miss something here?!

And the thing that shocks me most is that Tohma doesn't move!

He even says thank you!

I look at him, then Ryuichi, then back at Tohma. They are tucking into their food again as if nothing has happened.

No. Wait. Back up. Maybe nothing has happened. Maybe...maybe this Ryuichi always acts like this. I mean, he probably thinks it's alright. He's probably gay. That doesn't mean Tohma is too. Of course. Of course, yes, that must be it.

I pop a piece of melon into my mouth with a satisfied smile.

The rest of the starters and the gap between meals is uneventful. With food in his stomach, Ryuichi is more lively. Through his gabbled conversation, I pick up that they live together. Explains why they're so close. Ryuichi warms to me and starts telling me embarrassing stories about Tohma, who goes bright red and tries to stop him. Even though I try not to, he's quite funny, and I laugh. I almost forget when happened before, until the main meal comes. We are all sharing a big, set meal, and Ryuichi gets stuck right in, piling the food up on his plate. Tohma takes a little of everything, and I take the stuff that doesn't look really disgusting. I'm not very used to posh food. There are only bits of lemon chicken though, so Tohma says we can have them. Ryuichi cuts a bit off and chews on it thoughtfully. I wonder what he's thinking about. Then he smiles at me and at Tohma. We smile back. Ryuichi is nice but...a little odd. He cuts another piece of chicken and says to Tohma, "Do you want to try it?" Tohma says, "If you don't mind.". I think Ryuichi is going to give him the fork, but instead, Tohma leans over and bites it off slowly. "It's nice." He says. I stare for a bit, then shrug it off.

Everything goes back to normal. The food is nice, so is the dessert. I have a nice time with Tohma and Ryuichi. I think it'd be good to do this again sometimes. But not all the time. I like Ryuichi, but he's a bit weird, and I'd rather have Tohma on my own.

It's cold outside and I pull my jacket around me tightly. Tohma is talking to Ryuichi.

"I'll meet you back at the flat, ne?"

"Are you taking her home?"

"Yes, I'll only be a minute."

"Ok, Tohma-chan."

I go over to the car, thinking Tohma is behind me, but he's not. He's still with Ryuichi. He's got his hands on Ryuichi's waist and Ryuichi's got his around Tohma's neck. I stare. They are talking again, but I can't hear them.

Ryuichi kisses Tohma.

On the lips.

Twice.

Then Tohma kisses Ryuichi. A proper kiss.

I stare.

I can't quite take it all in.

My Tohma is...kissing another guy?

But...why?

I...He...

He doesn't love me...?

*

Ryuichi's giggling again. He always giggles when I kiss him. But then he suddenly stops. "Should...you be kissing me in front of her?"

"I doesn't matter. She's only a friend." I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't. I knew she liked me as more than that. But I just...I was caught up in the moment. I kissed him again, but, surprisingly, he pushed me away.

"No, Tohma. Not in front of her."

I pause, then nod. We say a quick goodbye, then part ways.

I know Mika saw. I feel terrible, because I can see the tears in her eyes. And yet I didn't stop. I was just caught up in the moment I suppose, without a consideration for her feelings. I'm...horrible...

But still I manage to smile.

"Come on, Mika-san, let's get you home."

*

It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself he doesn't love me, I can't stop loving Tohma. I tell myself he's got Ryuichi and that I'm just his friend, but...god, it drives me to tears.

I should hate Ryuichi too. But I can't even do that. He's cute and funny...How can I hate him? Every time I see him and Tohma holding hands or laughing together, this seething rage bubbles inside me, but as soon as either of them turns and smiles at me, it melts away and I come and join them.

The weather turns cold. It starts to snow every so often. December comes. And the wonderful happens.

"Mika-san, we're having a Christmas party. Would you like to come?"

Of course I agree! It'll mean more time with Tohma, I'll finally get to meet Noriko, and, guilty though I am with thinking about it, I do quite like the whole present side of Christmas. I spend the next week deciding what to get everyone.

Eiri is easy.

I buy him a new fountain pen and a pot of refill ink, a pad of high quality paper, and a chunky novel I saw him looking at a few days ago.

Tohma is quite easy too.

I was browsing and stumbled across a glove and scarf set I think he'll love. They were quite expensive; on import from Britain, but I heard it was a really popular make over there. Burberry, it's called. Brown with a tartan pattern. They'll look great on him.

Ryuichi is a little more difficult.

At first I wondered about getting him a cuddly toy; he's childish like that. But then I though even though he acts young, he's a grown man, and that would be a little patronising. So I settle for a pin badge of a pink rabbit, his favourite animal.

Noriko is the hardest. I know almost nothing about her, apart from that she swears a lot. I buy her a rock CD from America. I don't understand most of it, but it has a good beat.

I settle for the usual set of sandals for my father. So. That's me done. All that's left now is to wait for that party...

Surprisingly, Christmas comes very soon. The morning and afternoon are fairly dull. Eiri seems pleased with his presents and grants me one of his rare smiles. He got me a new dress. It's not quite what I would have chosen, but it's alright, and I'll make sure to wear it when he's around so he can see I appreciate it. We have lunch, then later dinner, and after that I go out. Tohma's flat isn't too far, so I walk.

A red faced, purple haired girl around my age opens the door. "You selling anything?" She says warily.

"No, I-"

"Great! Come on in!"

I am slightly surprised, but let her guide me in. I presume I have met Noriko. She shouts into a room that someone's here, and I hear Tohma cry back, "Mika-san! We're in the lounge, come through!"

Tohma and Ryuichi are sitting around in their pyjamas on the lounge floor. I suddenly realise Noriko is in her nightdress too. I suddenly feel overdressed and very aware of the half naked, possible tipsy people around me. I take in my surroundings. The room is quite big, with a TV, sofa and two armchairs. There is a glass table pushed to one side, and a Christmas tree in another corner. The walls and floor are scattered with tinsel, baubles and, to my slight dismay, clothes. It's so...free. I feel like anything could happen here. It's such a different feeling than the one I get at home. I can't help grinning.

Tohma takes my coat, shoes and gloves and I join them on the floor. "We waited for you to come until we opened our presents." Ryuichi said happily. He's holding a glass of wine, but sipping it cautiously as if he is wary of getting drunk. Maybe he gets bad hangovers. I take the three small parcels out of my bag and hand them around. Noriko looks at hers in surprise.

"Oh hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't get you anything cos, you know, I don't really know you..." I had expected that. I tell her it's ok and that I'm sorry her present is quite small as I didn't know what to get. She opens her first. "Wow! Hey, good pick, this is one of my favourite bands! Thanks Mika!" I'm glad and relieved I got her the right thing. She opens her other presents too. Tohma and Ryuichi both got her punky clothes. She hugs them tightly. I can tell they're all really good friends. I hope I'm that tight knit with them one day.

Tohma comes next. He really loves his gloves and scarf, which is great. Noriko got him something new for his keyboard; I'm not sure what. Ryuichi got him a classical CD and a new hat. Tohma gives him a big kiss as thanks. Something jealous sparks in my and I clench my fist, but after a while it passes.

I'm next. Tohma and Ryuichi both go into one of the other rooms and come back with a really big present. They say it's from both of them. I open it, feeling as excited as I used to when I was a little girl.

"Oh my..."

It's a large photo of the three of us outside the fountain at Odiaba Park. We went there one day for a bit of fun, and some tourist took our photo...And they mounted and framed it and everything...I feel breathless. They both hug me, one on each side. I squeak a thank you, then wait for Ryuichi to open his present.

Noriko got him a leather jacket, but it's mine and Tohma's presents that surprise all of us. Tohma got him a pink rabbit plushie, the exact same one that is on the pin badge I gave him.

"Hey! Was that a set or something?" Noriko asks. We shake our heads. I didn't know there was a toy of it too. "Well!" Noriko purs her hands on her hips. "What a coinkydink!"

I burst out laughing. Everyone stares at me. "S-sorry...But, coinkydink? I've just never heard anyone say that." We all laugh; Noriko mock pouts. I look around me. These people...they live their lives like this...I wish...I wish I'd always known them...

The night goes on. We watch tacky Christmas films. We talk about our childhood Christmases. We talk about future Christmases. Ryuichi and Tohma kiss under the mistletoe. Even though I still love him so much, I don't feel jealous. It might be the wine talking, but I think I've finally accepted that if Tohma is happy, then I'm happy. And that's the kind of love that some people only dream about.

We sit around at midnight, eating party sausages, and Tohma suddenly says, "A toast!" He holds up his wine glass. "A toast to old friends and new friends." Noriko and I hold our glasses up. "A toast to love." Ryuichi puts his up too, even though it's only got water in it. "A toast to what has come and what will come." He talks seriously now. "A toast that is a promise. A promise to stay friends forever." We clink out glasses together and all cry, "Forever!"

And as I drink, I get the most incredible feeling.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I really belong.

And it's the best feeling I've had in ages.

I'm young, I'm in love, and I've got the best friends anyone could ask for.

Ok, so I still have problems. The man I love is gay. Can't be helped.

Sure, this life isn't perfect.

But I wouldn't trade it for the world.