Authors note:

I warn you now, this is my attempt at writing a dark story. Content might include things like: Self harm, abuse, depression and sexual themes.

Its based on my own experiences with depression. Both by myself, and people I call friends and family.

This entire story is written in first person and from Blake's PoV.

Now with warning out of the way: This is a sequel to "Pancake day"

I felt numb. As I opened my eyes I could see that it was yet for any natural light to sneak into our room. I rolled onto my side to check the clock. Almost four. I rolled back to my back, observing the ceiling. I miss having dreamless nights. Just to go to sleep, and then wake up after a certain amount of hours. But that would not be the case for the past few nights. Nightmares.

The worst thing was, that I never would consider such dreams to be nightmares. At least if someone told me about them in the past. But now they haunted me. Lost possibilities I had in the past. Not far past, mind you. Things that happened but a month ago. Opportunities I decided not to take. People fear the grimm, but in the end its our own fears of everyday life that make the scariest nightmares.

You can stab a grim, slash it, smash it. You can set it on fire, freeze it. I'm afraid nothing like that could be done about my problems. I smiled to myself. Technically I could, but it wouldn't really solve anything. I tilted my head to the side. There she laid. My own grimm. Ruby. She was curled in a small ball around the lion plushy I won her that day. How I would love to be in the place of that lion.

My gaze then moved lower. Schnee heiress would sleep soundly, a small smile on her lips. She was happy. Why wouldn't she be. She had everything. Money, place in the future, motivations. Ruby. I let out a deep sigh and my gaze returned to the ceiling. I wasn't mad at her. I came to understand that. I came in peace with my emotions. With the fact that I could never be in her position.

I could get up and just wander around. I could read a book. But that would make them suspicious. That would make her suspicious. I found out I enjoy sleeping. As long as it was dreamless, dark void that would greet me each time I've fallen asleep. Its the dreams I hated. I couldn't dream, neither if awake or asleep. Dreams of both world would never come true, after all. Only nightmares.

They noticed. Yang started calling them catnaps. Weiss tried to convince me to perhaps change some of my diet or exercise, since that could be the reason for my sleeping problem. I said its normal for a faunus cats. I played the same dirty card with Ruby. The faunus card.

She approached me. She didn't assume anything. She couldn't. She was too perfect for that. She asked if something was wrong. If I had issues. I couldn't sleep at night. If I was hurt. All her worries made me so happy. But at the same time? It gave me that weird uncomfortable feeling. Like a thorn at my side. I brushed her off, making up a story about finally accepting them as my team and simply trusting them enough to lower my guard. And it was normal for a cat faunus to nap a lot in a spot they considered safe.

She believed. She did even more. She seemed fascinated. She asked me all those questions. Most of them would be so inappropriate to ask a faunus. But I knew she wasn't mocking me. And I knew that it was just her innocent curiosity that was speaking. I answered every one of them. And I never felt mad. I couldn't feel mad. I lied to her. But I had to. If she was ever to know the truth, it would make her small heart bleed. It would create a situation that she could not find a solution to. And I would spare her that pain.

That pain belonged to me. Some part of me, that little voice at the back of my head told me that I was once more running away. I was making illusions around myself. Maybe I did. But I thought of it as a fight. An endless fight that I hoped I could endure till the timer runs out. Running, or rather avoiding your enemy in such encounters was part of the tactic, was it not?

I let out a soft sigh and closed my eyes. I was exhausted. Just thinking about it made me so exhausted. I sometimes hoped that I could sleep forever. Never wake up. Be embraced by the void. But I knew that wouldn't happen. And then it came. The sweet slumber devoided of any dreams.

Loud noise woke me up. My ears twitched as I heard two people arguing. I opened my eyes and rolled to the side. It was Weiss and Ruby. Both seemed quite frustrated at whatever topic they were discussing.

"Weiss, its been a month. One day won't make a difference. And I'd simply like to celebrate it with you"

"Ruby, I appreciate your memory of our monthly anniversary. But exams are slowly creeping up at us. Its important that we take every opportunity to gain as much advantage as possible."

"Ugh fine! Lets make our next date a study session as well!" Ruby flailed her arms which was...quite Comical, at least for me. If I was in Weiss position I assume it wouldn't be as amusing as it was for me. Ruby stomped her feet and went to the door. Weiss reached out towards her but soon her arm slowly moved down. She didn't even bother to call after her. I heard a deep sigh as the white haired girl slouched a bit.

I slipped down and stretched, before placing a hand on top of the Heiress arm. The girl jumped a little, her body tensing as she felt my touch. Her head snapped towards me, her face having an angry frown painted on it. Yet when she saw me, her expression shifted, now simply looking tired.

"Rough morning?" I smiled softly, deciding to not immediately approach the issue at hand.

"Yes, it seems so. I apologize that we woke you up with our...disagreement." Weiss gave me a small apologetic smile. I shook my head and looked around, not spotting a certain someone, I turned my attention back to the Schnee. "Where's Yang?" It was quite suspicious for her to not be there in the morning. She didn't really belong to the morning bird category.

"She left saying something about coffee. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, as when asked she simply winked at me." The Heiress shrug. That was odd. Wake up early to get coffee was strange enough, but there could be some logical reasoning. But why be mysteriously vague about it.

"Hey, Weiss?" I decided to spare her any nicknames. She already had a lot on her mind. She looked up at me, waiting for me to continue. "I'll talk to Ruby, alright? And don't worry, I'm on your side on this. Exams are coming, and while Ruby is a smart girl, she could use some more discipline around specific periods in time."

I could see some relief in the Heiress eyes. "Its not that I don't want to celebrate with her. Its just that we could wait two days, have a free day and spend it properly together, instead of skipping classes and having to catch up. Its not like its some rule set in stone to celebrate things exactly one month after, right?" It was clear that Weiss was conflicted about it herself. She wasn't sure. What if Ruby was right? But I decided once more, to play the good guy in this little show and nodded. "I know, Weiss. I know. I'll talk to her. Now let me grab a quick shower and I'll see what I can do." I winked at her and she smiled. "Thanks Blake, You're a true friend for both me and Ruby."

As I moved towards the shower, I could feel my smile die quickly. I wanted to scream. I wanted to just fall onto my knees and scream. Raise my arms up and scream for any god, any divine entity. Scream if they exist. And if they exist, why are they tormenting me. But I pushed myself forward. I had a job to do. I had to fix Ruby's problem. My pain could wait. I was but a side character in this story, after all.

The shower didn't take me long. When I was back at our room, Weiss was already gone. But she wasn't the one I wanted to see now anyway. My next objective was to find Ruby before classes started. And fate was nice to me for once. As I heard a familiar voice let out an annoyed grunt.

I turned left, to the source of the voice, and saw Ruby sitting on a bench. Assuming I found her here, where not many people went through at this hour, she wanted to be alone. Or at least seeked some short lived solitude before classes.

"Someone's grumpy." I smiled as I approached her. She looked up and I saw the grimace she had for but a brief moment, before offering me a warm smile. It made me wonder, was it because of her current mood. Or was that grimace because of me? Or did she expect to see Weiss and hence the face she made.

"Hey Blake, just a little bit. Had some disagreement with Weiss." She explained, it was clear she was trying to brush it aside. With her tone of voice, and her waving a hand as if nothing happened. But Ruby was too pure to be a good liar. Even if I didn't wake up from their voices I would know something was up.

"Mmm...I Know, woke me up. Your little disagreement." I smirked, and I saw her mood drop immediately. I sat next to her and wrapped an arm around her. How I wanted to just hug her. To drag her closer and feel her body against mine. To wrap my arms around her. To kiss her.

"Sorry Blake. Its just that. Its important to celebrate things like this! Otherwise its going all to waste. They said that if a pair forgets about things like that, it'll all turn into a disaster sooner or later and..." 'They' ? I let her ramble on, but I didn't really listen. I heard her voice, but I was more curious what they were. Suddenly I couldn't hear her anymore. And I took a glance at her. She was just looking at the ground, her bangs covering her eyes as she sat there slumped.

"Ruby, what..."They" are you referring to?" I blinked, did she take some dating tips? Relationship tips? If so, from who.

"o-oh! Erm. Well, I kind of...well I kind of scrolled for some...for Some stuff. About relationships and dating." She blushed and smiled sheepishly, reaching to rub her own arm with her left hand. "And I found that site, it looked really smart. It had all those advices and those small numbers that were hotlinks to like, books. Like in the books we read, but better because selecting it made you go to them and they were all smart books about like, psychology and stuff." The more she spoke, the more excitement filled her voice. I was afraid if I let her go on too long, she'd explode at some point.

"You mean annotations?" I asked suddenly, stopping her rambling as she looked at me, confused what I was talking about. "The small numbers near some sentences or words. Annotations." Its like I could see through her silver eyes. And notice the thought process inside her brain. I smiled as something finally dinged inside her head. "Yeah! That's the thing." She nodded eagerly.

"Ruby, you know that there are no date rules or relationship rules. And even if there are, they don't always apply." I started softly, peeking at her. She seemed...troubled? Confused perhaps. Her gaze drifted away from me. I was already missing seeing those beautiful silver orbs. "I just...I Just don't want to screw up, Blake." I let out a sigh.

"Ruby, You know what's important in a relationship? Communication. Really, communication is the basic thing that helps in any kind of relationship. Both romantic or platonic. So lovers, dating, friends? Just...talking And being honest, is what matter." You're so full of shit, Belladona. "And just think about it. How much Weiss changed since you two started dating. How much she agreed to follow things your way. Or dust, how much she changed since she meet all of us and since we formed a team."

I saw her peer at me curiously. I smiled, I had her attention. I simply needed to do the finishing touch. "I'm not saying you're being pushy towards her. Its not that Ruby. But all you need to do, is talk. Not keep some tight rules about anniversaries and all that stuff. It has mostly symbolic meaning." I saw her nod her head, she furrowed her brow. I could stop at this, but I had to make sure she fully understood. "Besides, Weiss isn't trying to ignore your anniversary. She is just trying to make sure you don't have issues with passing your classes and exams later." And there it was again. Another groan from the young redhead. I let out a chuckle at that.

"Ugh, you're right Blake. I'm so stupid. I should just talk to Weiss. Not...not Research it." I wanted to answer her but I heard a familiar voice, which made me glance at that direction. It was Weiss, as she was about to turn around.

"O-Oh I didn't mean to interrupt you two. Please, carry on with your chat." She simply stated and was about to leave. I jumped a little and had to close my eyes as Ruby hoped into action, her semblance in play as she startled the white haired girl by appearing in front of her. "Weiss, please wait. I...I Mean. We need to talk. I'm sorry." I smiled. It was good that those two fixed their issues this early on. This saved us some awkward mood later in the cafeteria or in our room.

I stood up, interrupting their little exchange as I ruffled Ruby's hair. "Just remember not to get into too long make out session. Classes will start soon." I grinned down at them. It took both of them a moment before they realized what I just assumed. "B-Blake!" They yelled after me in unison. I barked out a laugh at that, leaving the two girls to their embarrassment and the talk they should have.

As I entered the cafeteria I felt exhausted. Even before the two started dating. Even before I found out I like Ruby that way. Even back then, it was exhausting to be so...social. And it became even more exhausting after that. I already wanted to go back to our room and sleep for the rest of the day. But I knew I couldn't. I got myself some tea, opted to skip any food. And simply sat there. I still haven't either seen or heard Yang. But right now I was happy about that. I don't think I could stomach her right now.

And then fate decided to do its part once more. The doors to cafeteria opened, and I saw team CFVY walk in together with Yang. Coco was having her arm around the bunny faunus, who seemed more then a little...perplexed. Yang was scanning the room, and once her eyes meet mine, she pointed in my direction. I let out a deep, tired sigh. I already knew I would regret this.

"Yo! Blakey, what you doing sitting all alone? Where's our white rose combo?" She grinned as the entire group approached me. I gave a shrug. "Sorting out their marriage issues I guess." I let out a smirk, trying to seem as casual as I normally would. Even if all I wanted was to curl up and sulk alone in my bed. I had to keep the illusion.

"Well, Velvet here had a business to you." I turned my attention to Coco and Velvet. The bunny girl seemed to want nothing more then what I had in my mind. Run away and hide somewhere. But the iron arm of the beret wearing girl kept her in place. "And we all came here to cheer her up on that but oh gosh look at the time." She didn't even pretend to make any pause between those two sentences. Subtle, really subtle Coco. "I guess we'll have to leave Velvet here alone with you. Oh and Yang uh, you should come with us for...stuff!" Both the Blond and the dark haired girl shared a grin, and the leader of team CFVY started to lead them out of the cafeteria the same way they came. At the last glance I saw Yatsuhashi send me an icey glare, only to take a more soft and warm glance at Velvet.

Speaking of hare, dust damn you Yang for your infectious puns, my attention turned towards her. She seemed to be frozen in place. Looking down at her own feet, her ears flopped forward as she fiddled with her school uniform. I let out a sigh. This was already starting to be a lovely day.

"So..." I started, which made her jump, she looked around quickly, then focused her gaze on me. She looked like she was about to cry. I just wanted to slam my head against the table. Or just stand up and leave. But I know why they dragged her here. It was obvious. And if I did any of those things, that would crush her bunny heart. My pain could wait. It always could wait.

"I know what'll help you. Come on." I stood up and took her hand. She was startled when I touched her, and while tense, she complied and followed me. I lead her outside of the cafeteria and behind it. There I let go of her hand and stood in front of her. I tried to put on as friendly smile as possible. While succeeding, my guts felt like I was about to throw up. But I endured it. I had to.

"Well, we're out of the public eye. So now you can tell me what business you had to me. Or was Coco lying and they just wanted to ditch you?" I had to provoke her to speak somehow. And this was the best idea I had. Which seemed to work. Her ears perked high up. An adorable gesture if I might add.

"N-No, no! They...I Mean. Coco just wanted to...to Help me. I guess." She started and looked at me. But once she saw my face, each of her word seemed more and more timid in nature. Till her ears deflated once more. I couldn't help but take notice of her heavy accent. It was...interesting, In a good way.

"Alright, so just ask." I wanted to put my hand on her arm to try and encourage her. But I knew it would just make her situation that much harder. My patience was running out. While I didn't want to hurt her in anyway, I was already getting tired of this. In any other day, her shy act would be endearing. But I wasn't in the mood.

"I...Would You. I mean. If that's okay that is. With me. Go out." She managed to mumble out. Her feet drawing circles on the ground as she kept her hands before her. Gazing at the circles her foot made.

"Are you asking me out on a date, Velvet?" I raised a brow. I know she wanted to do that. Deep down I knew it. But still, hearing it directly...kinda Surprised me.

"Y-Yes...if You like to? I...we Could go see a movie. Or eat something. Together." She looked up timidly. Although she had a small smile. Hope written all over her face. I felt sick. Now I really wanted to throw up. I could feel my throat get dry. I had to say no. I wasn't interested. I didn't want to. Not now. I could use less of an emotional rollercoaster.

"Velvet, of course I'll go out with you." My lips curved into a smile. Why did I agree. Why did I say yes. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. But instead I smiled. I observed as the other girls face shifted from a hopeful smile, to confusion, and finally to realization. She beamed me a warm, bright smile.

"Do you like books? Its fine if you don't. Trust me, I have three friends that don't. But I'm just curious." I suddenly asked. I had to stop her from smiling at me like that. It filled me with disgust. Not to this creature before me. But I was disgusted with myself. And it worked. Her expression became first confused, then curious. She nodded. "I don't mind reading. Although I am a bit...spastic You could say? My mood for different genres shift on a daily basis. So I often have a few books I read. Not at the same time! But I jump between them. It helps to have a good memory. Could say its photographic." She let out a giggle at that.

That sound filled me with such contempt. Contempt to myself. Why was I doing this. She didn't deserve it. A quick stab to her heart. By saying no. She would take a week or two to get better, and then she could go on with her life. But I decided to torment her. Why. Was it pity for her? Or was I seeking to make myself feel better.

"How about this. I'll convince my team to give us a room for the evening. I know Ruby and Weiss plan to go celebrate their one month anniversary. And Yang...I'll Just kick her out. And we'll have a book evening. Just you, me, some blanket and a good book. And maybe some tea. Your pick what book we'll go through. Although spare me mystery novels. Its not my type of books." I smiled as I explained. It was the least harm that could be done. It would be how I would usually spend my time anyway. Just...with Her.

Her lips formed into an "o" as she heard my proposition. Then she smiled brightly at me once more and nodded so quick it made her ears flop. "That sounds lovely! Its true what Yang said. You really are a romantic Blake. I can't wait." And then the bell rang, announcing that the classes started. "Alright, just come over to our place Saturday evening. I'd walk with you towards classes but I need to go somewhere before that. Nature's call and all that." I winked at her and started to quickly move towards the nearest toilet. I saw her blush at my words. I waved as I departed, to which she answered with another smile and a short wave.

Once I lost her out of my view I began to ran. I slammed myself into the nearest toilet and went to the stall at the very end. I pushed it open and collapsed to my knees. I threw up. It wasn't much. Some left over after yesterday and the tea from this morning. It smelled disgusting. I felt each wave come which left my throat burning with my stomach acid.

It continued for a few long moments. Even after I emptied my stomach completely, the motion still went on. And as it ended, tears dripped into the toilet bowl below me. I curled up next to it and began to sob. My mind was empty. No thoughts. No immediate reason to cry. To worry. I don't know how much time I spent just crying on the bathroom floor. And then darkness embraced me, as I slowly lost my consciousness.