INSANITY! The story finally comes! Yay! One chapter will be publish every four weeks, on the full moon! CHEESE!
Insanity Versus the Mary-Sues!
Chapter 1:
The Start of the Unions
"I hope that thee wouldst have fair and kindly deeds fall upon thou's head, mine friend!" cried someone.
"Meh," said the other.
"Silly, thou art, and your language decidedly needs working, but I shall come back for thee, mine friend!"
"Meh."
line
"This MUST stop!" screamed someone. It was a small baby with diapers. Err, diaper. Singular. "This is an atrocious beating on our own land! THEY deserve to DIE!" There was a cheer. The crowd of babies cheered. They stood (more like squatted) over a field. A field covered with cows. A fat lady slowly wobbled up. (hey, she's actually cool! Fat people are awesome! They don't need a house! They've already got one! Ehehehe! Just kidding.)
"Pooky, what are you doing?" she asked, petting one of her cows.
"Nothing whatsoever, madam! Just go about your atrocious beating duties, as will we," answered the not-ten-month-old diaperling.
"We?"
"My diapermen and I."
"I thought it was countrymen."
"It's diapermen." The lady shook her head, but went about her "atrocious beating duties".
"Thou art safe! Whenst I heardeth last, thou wast attacked by horrendous beings!" cried out someone.
"Yeah, but, me and my army of cows kicked them Sue's butts to smithereens," answered the lady.
"That is good news and great tidings that thou's quarry's buttox hast been beaten to smithereens, but the quarry of yours was only a small portion of the great quarry that is raging in this green land!"
"I know, Hamlet, but if you eat a piece of pie everyday, it'll eventually be gone."
"Except pies are tasty," interrupted Pooky.
"Vachel, you must prepare an army worthy of such a great cause as to defeat our quarry! We will need everyone we can to defeat these beasts!"
"I will assemble my cows, and order more, if need be," answered Vachel. (who was, in fact, the lady's name)
"Young Pooky, I ask that thee wouldst helpeth us in our dire time of need?" asked (yeah, you know who!) Hamlet.
"I suppose I could ask my diapermen if they would like to help beat Mary-Sues."
"Who wouldn't?" asked Vachel.
"Meet me and mine comrade at the Green Dragon in one day with as many as you can spare. We must make haste!" Hamlet waved her hand over to the east. "Travel out of forests and woods of any sort, as those art hiding places for the wretched Sues. And be SURE never to go even within a hundreth miles of a hot bath! Is all that clear?"
"Very good."
"Okey." Hamlet smiled, and nodded them farewell, and skipped off to find armies.
line
"Okay, so, the diaperlings are in, and the cows are in, but we don't have a clue about the Men, Elves, or the Dwarves! They could be on the other side, for all we know."
"Calm down, Aidan, we needn't worry. We have HIM. There is no possible way to defeat him, and the Sues will use up all their power to consume him if we send him in first, and then we will strike. They will be so stripped of their power that they won't be able to even flick a finger at us.
"It's a fool-proof plan. He has no weakness to Sues, and he already has all the pleasures he actually wants, so there's no way to bribe him, and he's already married, and he's definitely not going to dirt on HER."
"Heck no he wouldn't! Just imagine the LECTURE..."
"What dost thou talkest about? He wouldst never desert me, not even for the most gorgeous woman to walk the planet! He vowed so to me."
"I know, Hamlet, that's why it's a fool-proof plan." The trio paused for a moment, musing over their plans, making sure there was no chink nor a hole that might be used against them.
"I must to say, thou's tongue has greatly improved from the "Meh" tongue since last I saw you, friend of mine."
"Meh." Hamlet laughed.
The other (known as Aidan) looked at the first (who was NOT Hamlet), and asked, "Didn't you say some of my kind were coming?"
"Yes. The four of them started out from Bywater yesterday, and by their speed, they'll probably be here tomorrow afternoon."
"Tomorrow!?" exclaimed Aidan. "It's a six hour journey-there and back! Are they so stupid that they can't even make it within a day!?"
"Apparently not." The first sighed. "They're a particularly slow group, but they're plenty insane enough to drive the Sues mad within a first glance."
"Well, that's a plus," Aidan said, trying to look at the bright side.
"Mine friends, we needstest more people!" Hamlet cried suddenly. The other two looked up quickly from their map.
"Why? The plan is fool-proof. We all just agreed on that," Aidan said.
"Nay! It is nay a fool-proof plan! I have found the chink in our armor, the hole in our mountain, the imprint in our cookie!" The other two just stared blankly. "He might be able to suck the power from SOME of the nasty beings, but I am but certain that not ALL of the beings will taketh the duty upon themselves to trance him!
"And when we got there, there would still be some hundreds of the beasts just waiting for us to show up, and they would immediately trance the babies with warm milk and green fluffy bears!" The reality dawned on them. Sues were annoying, but they weren't stupid enough to fall for just one diversion.
"We need more bait. Ask him if he has any relatives, or friends, and gather the camels, the Elves, anyone you know who could resist the temptation of the dreaded Sues. Then we attack. We will slice from all sides, starting with us from the north side of the Brandywine, and we'll have the Ents come in from the south-east, and the diaperlings and cows will come from the east, and then if we can find someone from the west..." the person (who is still not revealed yet) put his/her finger on his/her chin.
"Ol' Tom!" exclaimed Hamlet. "Tom Bombadil will help us! I know he will!"
"Good idea, Hamlet. We can send a few of the hobbits to go and ask for his aid, while I'm POSITIVE that Gondor will help us."
"Gondor? They shall fall easily to the spell of the Mary-Sues. They art cunning, and havest the means and mind to bribe and coax the men of Gondor into their spells. Men wouldst nay stand and fight for an hour ere the Sues should catch and make fools out of them." Aidan snorted. And coughed. And hacked!
"True, Hamlet, Men would disappoint us. But-" Aidan interrupted her.
"PSHH! Men!? It would be the Elves that would fall short of the…cliff. Or something."
"That's true…but I don't want just a few drunkards from The Prancing Pony! I want Gondor! I want Rohan! I want Men that would stand against the evil Sues! I want the Dunadain. I want...Aragorn."
line
A woman, very fair and very thin, cooed to anyone near she could snatch. "Oh, my dearest Legolas, come to me!" she called, and the foolish princeling was too stupid (and half-Stuish himself!) to resist.
"I would follow thee to the depths of Mordor if it pleased you, my love!" Yesh, Legolas sucks. And yesh, I meant to say yesh. Thrice.
line
"Milandu! Milandu!" came a scream from outside the tent. The trio of planners looked up.
"What?" asked the first (who to you is know known as Milandu.).
"Sues invade our eastern border! They have started in Rivendell, and I have word that a few of them found Legolas at The Green Dragon, and they were easily able to enSue him!" the scout shouted, and he raced in the door.
"Legolas always was a wimp..." mumbled Milandu. She coughed. "That is good. Elrond will defeat them easily. His Elf countrymen are not as weak as pathetic Legolas of Mirkwood. His Elves are intelligent, and they will counteract the Sues' evilness with their own Elf-glory."
"But, mine friend, dost thou forget that Bilbo the hobbit ist there? He could change the entire course of our battle, for ill or for good!"
"No, Hamlet, Bilbo has a strong will, and he would not let the Sues get to him. He has everything he wants: friends, family-though he might NOT want that-, he gets to stay in Rivendell, and he even has the opportunity to go to the Gray Havens! Who wouldn't want to be in his shoes?" Milandu shook her head. "If Bilbo made a difference in our war, it would be for good. The Sues wouldn't think to take an old man, and he would easily laugh at them and insult them, which can harm them as much as a sword-blow." They all thought about that for a minute. "No. Bilbo would make a turn for the better." The scout nodded, and ran out of the tent and off to tell others of this plan, but he quickly ran back.
"Milandu! They are coming! They are coming!"
"Be specific! "They" could mean ANYONE!"
"The Its are coming!"
"Thank goodness." Milandu exited the tent, her/his two friends behind her/him.
"So, those four are my kin?" asked Aidan, pointing to four figures who were playing a racing game to see who would get to the tent first.
"Yes they are. And-" he/she paused. "Aidan, do you have any powers?"
"Yeah. I'm an It! Of course I do!"
"What?"
"Um...I can make small earthquakes start under anyone I choose!"
"Show me." Aidan sighed, but looked for a person he could torment that would not kill him and that wasn't standing next to him. He found someone. It was one of his kin, the lead. (to us, it was known as-)
BOOOM!
Mizel went flying as the earth under him lurched quickly, and he landed head-first about three feet away from the trio of planners.
"Very nice." Milandu nodded, decidedly deciding that Aidan would be a deciding helpful decided person.
"Ow...my butt hurts..."
"Stop your whining, Mizel. It was just a perfectly placed geyser."
"It was MEAN!" Mal rolled her eyes at his "whining" and moved on. Tristan and Tayten followed close behind. If they were gonna get hit, they ALL would suffer the humiliation together. (happy luncheon with friends!) Mal suddenly stopped. Aidan was speechless.
"Oh, great, now It's can fall in love!?" shouted Mizel, who was pulling his legs out of the dirt. Hamlet smiled and started to clap, but Milandu slapped her. Aidan was staring at Mal, who was staring back at him. You could see the mischievous smile forming on her lips, and he seemed to be trying to figure her out. She cut the silence.
"Hi! I'm Mal," said she, and she abruptly stuck out her hand. He took it, and she grinned.
"Aidan." Tayten giggled.
"Mal's crushing!" she laughed. Mal rolled her eyes, and Aidan smiled.
"Can It's crush?" whispered Milandu to Hamlet. Hamlet merely shrugged.
A swift "AHAHA!" broke the silence.
"Oh, great, he decided to grace us with his presence..." Aidan mumbled. A giggling Elf appeared. He soon saw the four strangers, and quickly greeted them.
"I am Zayit, Elf of the WORLD!" he laughed hysterically, and fell down. Then suddenly they all noticed that he was wearing clothes made completely out of garland. All of a sudden, Milandu jerked his/her head up towards the sky.
"Get under cover." She/he re-adjusted her hood and stepped inside the tent. He/she beckoned to Hamlet, and Aidan.
"FELL BEASTS!" screamed Mal, who dashed under another tent. Mizel and Tayten and Tristan followed her.
Mizel asked, "Which are the fell beasts: the Sues, or the dragon-thingys?"
"Both." Mizel nodded, understanding finally deciding to nest on his frizzy hair. Meanwhile, inside the plan tent...
"I'm going." The other two just stared blankly.
"What?" asked Aidan.
"I'm going to the battle-line. Boxy and the Camels and Crevan and Kaden and Kiley will be going with me, and whoever else-" Hamlet quickly interrupted.
"I will! I want to be bait-" she was re-interrupted by Milandu.
"No, Hamlet. You need to meet the cows and diaperlings at The Green Dragon."
"Nay! I senteth out a person to meet them in mine place!" Hamlet exclaimed.
"Who?" Milandu asked.
"Legolas, about an hour ago!"
"Ooohh..." Milandu made a deep grumbling noise in his/her stomach. She banged his/her head against the desk. "Bad idea...bad idea...BAD IDEA!" He/she lurched his/her head up, and headbutted Hamlet. "REALLY BAD IDEA!"
"Why?" Hamlet asked, rubbing her head.
"Legolas is a fag; Legolas is a wimp! EVERYTHING! Argg, our entire future could depend on the bad idea..." She/he sighed. "Let's go."
YAY! I know, I promised you guys this MONTHS ago, but now all the ideas are coming back to me! This is so easy to write! I've had so many ideas clogged up in my head (I can't honestly say my brain) and now they're all being unleashed into pieces that fit together into a story! YAY! Umm, for those of you who are waiting for The Dead, The Dying, and the Very Tan updates (no one...), you are going to kill me. I'm not in the mood to write any anytime soon, soo...yeah. They aren't coming for a while. Okay. BYE!
