1.
I'm strong enough to hold you through the winter
mean enough to stare your demons down
.
It shouldn't be this hard, Shizuo thinks. Just push the door open and walk inside. There's nothing life or death in the act of opening a door, nothing determinant, nothing final. But somehow he feels it in his bones; the mere idea of moving his hand closer to the knob makes his blood run cold, his shoulders go stiff – as if opening this door would be making a choice like any other he's made before.
His fingers twitch, itching for a cigarette.
He makes his choice, whatever that means, and pushes the door open very carefully, as carefully as his monstrous strength allows him, and walks inside.
The burst of light inside the room blinds him for a moment, and when his eyes adjust, all he sees is the pale figure lying on the bed.
I could kill him right now and get it over with. It's a thought that never crossed his mind before, to even think of killing Izaya while he's down makes him feel sick and ashamed.
Then why did he come?
Why am I here?
"Shizu-chan, I can hear you thinking."
Izaya's voice is soft and tired and wrong.
Shizuo snaps out of his reverie and looks directly at his enemy, he wishes he could smoke inside the hospital; he wishes he could turn away and leave now.
He can do neither.
"What happened to you, flea?"
"What do you think?" Izaya's voice is all wrong but his eyes hold the same mischievous glint.
Shizuo shrugs.
"Shinra says someone stabbed you."
Izaya seems pensive for a moment, tilts his head to the side.
"Hu-uh, does it make you angry it wasn't you?" He's smiling as he watches Shizuo's face contort in disgust.
"Stabbing someone when he's unaware is low." I wouldn't do that, he doesn't say, but somehow knows that Izaya knows it.
"Are you here to finish me off, then?"
Shizuo looks away; suddenly extremely uncomfortable.
"No." He breathes.
Izaya frowns, mask slipping down for a split second to show utter confusion.
"Then why are you here?"
Shizuo tries to find something to occupy his hands with, something to focus his attention on, something to look at, but realizes that, as it's always been, he can't focus on anything else when Izaya is in the room.
"Why, Shizu-chan?" Izaya presses, with something between desperation and spite. "Did you come to gloat? Is that it?"
Shizuo snaps then, taking a step forward and closing both hands into fists.
"I don't know." He spats. "I have no fucking idea what I came, stupid flea."
Izaya seems pleased at his change of temper.
"Does seeing me down gets you off?"
"I am not like you." Shizuo hisses.
Silence falls over them like snow; soft and welcoming, and it chills the both to the bone.
"No, you're not."
Izaya's voice is soft and tired and wrong.
They stare at each other in silence, neither knowing what to say or do next. Time breezes past them and leaves them feeling small and unsure.
"Why?" Shizuo asks, even though he thinks he already knows the answer.
"Why what?"
Shizuo grunts.
"Why did someone fucking stab you, bastard?" Why did you allow someone to stab you?
Izaya laughs, soft and throaty, and turns his face to stare out the window.
"I let my guard down." He admits. "It will not happen again."
Silence again. Silence; it seems to be this way with them; either chaos or silence, no in-betweens.
"Why did you come, Shizu-chan?"
Shizuo turns around and leaves the room.
Once outside, he takes a deep breath and his lungs ache with the effort, as if he had been holding his breath for too long.
A nurse approaches him carefully, staring at him with a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. Shizuo breathes again and turns to face her.
"I'm going to leave my number. Call me when he's ready to be released." He thinks about it for a second. "Call me before you actually release him, or he'll leave before I get here."
The woman's expression softens.
"Are you family?"
"No."
"A friend, then?"
"No."
"Oh." The nurse's smile broadens at Shizuo's obvious discomfort. "Something else, then."
Shizuo's eyes are focused on his feet, his fingers twitch again.
"Yeah."
An enemy.
"I'll call you." She says. "If you're here it means you care, no?"
Shizuo's voice is barely above a whisper.
"I don't know."
He leaves the hospital with the feeling that he probably just made the stupidest choice of his life.
.
It's a fear like he has never felt before; strong as a waterfall, piercing like the coldest wind, infinite like the breath he doesn't seem to be able to catch.
I refuse to die. Izaya thinks
"Shizu-chan never took it this far. He never hit this hard, he never hurt me this bad. Oh, Shizu-chan, all this time I thought it would be you the only one who could kill me and now…you surprise me even now."
It's ironic, Izaya thinks, as he lies limp on the floor, that even his last thoughts belong to the monster that wasn't able to kill him in the end.
Even gods have to fall, it seems.
There are footsteps somewhere around him, and he can hear muffled voices and raging screams -
"Oi, flea, don't you dare die on me."
He's even hearing his voice now, that low growl that's only reserved for Izaya. He's feeling his hands, hands that have punched him too many times for him not to have them memorized; they're picking him up, lifting his body from the ground with a kind of carefulness that Izaya would have never thought him capable of.
It can't be.
No one was supposed to come save him, much less him.
He opens his eyes slowly, needles of a dream still buried deep in his eyes. His surroundings are too bright and too hazy, and Izaya wonders if he's actually awake or if this is the dream, and in reality he's still laying limp in the middle of the street.
Whether this is a dream or reality, there's someone in the room with him; Izaya could distinguish that presence anywhere, that particular smell of smoke and anger, the tension in the air whenever they're around each other.
"I can hear you thinking, Shizu-chan." He speaks before his eyes have come completely into focus.
Shizuo's eyes find his; he looks unsure and nervous and something else.
Why is he here?
You surprise me even now.
"What happened to you, flea?"
"What do you think?" Why do you ask? Why do you care?
"Shinra says someone stabbed you."
Shizuo looks absolutely out of place standing in the middle of Izaya's hospital room. It's a good look, Izaya decides, he likes his monster uncomfortable.
"Hu-uh, does it make you angry it wasn't you?" He smiles as Shizuo's offended face.
"Stabbing someone when he's unaware is low."
I know. Izaya wants to say.
"Are you here to finish me off, then?" He says instead.
Shizuo looks away. Izaya can see that he's trying to focus on anything but him. As if he could, stupid protozoan.
"No."
"Then why are you here?"
Izaya can feel his calmness begin to slip. It's hard enough being defenseless in front of his enemy, the last thing he needs is a reminder of how incapable he is of reading Shizuo Heiwajima, of all people.
"Why, Shizu-chan?" He presses, trying to break whatever amiable truce seems to have grown between them "Did you come to gloat? Is that it?"
Shizuo snaps then, taking a step forward and closing both hands into fists.
"I don't know." He spats. "I have no fucking idea what I came, stupid flea."
To say Izaya is pleased at this change of attitude would be an understatement. Anger he can control; an angry Shizuo is something he can deal with.
"Does seeing me down gets you off?"
"I am not like you." Shizuo hisses.
Silence falls over them like snow; soft and welcoming, and it chills the both to the bone.
"No, you're not." Izaya doesn't know why he says that, but it feels like a truth too simple to hide.
They stare at each other in silence, neither knowing what to say or do next. Time breezes past them and leaves them feeling small and unsure.
"Why?" Shizuo's voice is ridiculously soft, as if he could break something just by raising it.
"Why what?"
Shizuo grunts.
"Why did someone fucking stab you, bastard?"
He seems disappointed. Izaya laughs as he looks away. Why are you disappointed, Shizu-chan? Why would you care?
Shizuo refuses to talk or look at him and Izaya has to suppress a laugh. He's angry at me. Izaya doesn't know if it's the painkillers or if the situation is really as surreal as it seems. He feels betrayed because I allowed someone else to almost kill me.
"I let my guard down." He admits. "It will not happen again."
He is not excusing himself. He is not.
Silence again. Silence; it seems to be this way with them; either chaos or silence, no in-betweens.
"Why did you come, Shizu-chan?"
Shizuo turns around and leaves the room.
Izaya turns to look at the closed door and wonders what did just happen. Was that all a dream? Is he still lying on the floor, bleeding out? Is he going to wake up in Hell?
As his eyes grow heavy and his head starts to spin there is just one question that keeps repeating itself; why did the monster come?
And why didn't he kill me?
Notes: Hey guys! Here I am with my first fanficion in what seems like ages... I'm a little rusty so I apologyze for any mistake this might have. I really hope I don't hurt your eyes too much hahaha. Enjoy!