DISCLAIMER: All of the characters in this fic are not mine. They are the property of BIOWARE. Hope you enjoy! Comments and complaints welcomed! :-)

Author's Note: Warning! I've been a very very bad author!anon on the kink meme. I hijacked an OP anon's prompt. I blame plotbunny!Javik. He refused to shut up until I wrote this. I'm sorry!

Also, there will be dark humor and hints/mentions of Female Shepard With Liara T'Soni ahead! If this offends you press the back button now!

An anon prompted this:

masseffectkink. livejournal . c o m 6609. html ? thread = 29493713 # t29493713 (Don't forget to remove spaces and add a slash between the com and the 6609.)

Thing is, I didn't meet with Javik until after the party and I had a quiet party. Thus, in my play through, Zaeed and Garrus got bored. And when Zaeed and Garrus get bored, this happens:

www. youtube . c o m watch ? v = 53mMTV0MxN0 (Don't forget to remove spaces and add a slash between the com and the watch.)

i

Surprise! Buttse - Or Not...

By SpaceRanger

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For once the walkways of the Silversun Strip seemed pretty empty and most shops were closed. The cause of this? A highly anticipated event going on in the Armax Arsenal Arena.

Thus, it was to no surprised that this well known figure was not noticed "sneaking in" to another well known figure's apartment. Though, saying that this being was "sneaking in" is an untrue statement. The way this figure was talking loudly to itself in an angry manner and not bothering with an attempt to disguise itself or even hide its blinking lights, it would've failed Thieving 101 right away.

"This one is angry with Commander Shepard and her prothean partner! Commander Shepard may have been in the Spectre club for three years, but she is not special! She does not even have this one's Ultra Spectre Elite 7000 much less the 4000 Deluxe!"

The hanar flashed its lights faster as it walked through the apartment, the doors sliding shut behind it.

"This one will have revenge! Oh yes, this one will! This one will Enkindle you in so many ways you will not even remember your name!"

The hanar continued up the stairs and barges into the master bedroom.

"And when this one is done with you Commander Shepard, you will learn why this one is the true Hero of the Citadel and the Hero of the Citadel does not share top billing!"

The hanar's proclamation is greeted only by silence.

"She is not here. This one was told that she would be here! This one shall punish the lying informant!"

The hanar turned to leave but before it could, it noticed something in the adjourning bathroom.

"Oh… she has a hot tub."


Blurry eyed, exhausted, and sore all over despite having one of the best uninterrupted by nightmares sleep not induced by alcohol, Shepard stumbled out of the only bedroom in Anderson's apartment (even after weeks, she could still never think of this lavish place as hers) that had a shower dressed in only a black T-shirt and cargos with only one thought in mind: Coffeecoffeecoffee.

The Charity Reaper Challenge that she had done several times had taken a lot out of her. She thought she had enough strength to make it to the master bedroom but she found out how very wrong she was as soon as she made it to the doorway of the secondary bedroom. As it was, she barely made it to that room's bed before she collapsed.

She walked past the zen-ish tree Samara liked using as her meditation spot, heading towards the only coffee table on the top floor and pulled out the backpack she had dropped off there before yesterday's challenge in order to get her things. A strange smell hit her nostrils, making her gag and drop her pack.

"What the hell?!" Shepard croaked, her voice disused from sleep. She rubbed her eyes, dislodging eye crusts and trying to unblur her vision.

When she could finally see, she shifted the collar of her T-shirt to cover her nose and mouth and held one hand over them. She used the other to picked up her extra pistol, disengaging the safety. Extending the arm with the pistol out, Shepard activated her cloak, her eyes flitting around the apartment, looking for anomalies as she walked.

She didn't have to search long. The smell was the strongest in the master bedroom and she found the reason as soon as she walked in.

She could only stare, dumbfounded for several minutes after her cloak faded away. Finally she called out, as loud as she could,

"Love, can you come in here please? And bring your omni-tool… and maybe mine too… and a couple of oxygen masks... and make sure you're wearing one of them."

After what seemed like a very long time - but was in actuality probably only ten Earth minutes at most - Liara walked in, wearing the uniform Shepard had left in the other bathroom with a mask over her face, and the requested items in her arms.

"Shepard, what is - that… is… disturbing…"

Shepard rubbed her face before plucking the oxygen mask from Liara's arms. "So I'm not the only one seeing a dead hanar then right?"

"Yes."

"Shit… I'm never gonna be able to hear the end of it from Zaeed and Garrus. Smug basterds."

"You don't have to tell them."

Shepard raised an eyebrow as she looked over at Liara. "And I could call up Javik and tell him Dinner's Ready. But you know that's not my way."

Liara sighed resignedly before engaging her omnitool. "Glyph, could you run a DNA analysis on the hanar in the water?"

"Certainly, Dr. T'Soni… Analysis complete, this is Blasto, the hanar portraying the first hanar Spectre. "

"Huh… Well… Shit… guess Javik's not getting his dinner after all."

"Shepard!"


Slight AU of this AU - Where Shepard does end up calling up Javik and telling him "Dinner's Ready."

Javik stared, Liara stared, and Shepard stared down at the hot tub.

Javik: "Commander, there's no sauce to this."