She sat in the locker room, slouched forward with her elbows resting on her knees, staring into nothingness. The quiet was strangely comforting but short lived as her colleague entered the room, oblivious to her desperation for some time alone to think.
"Hey Sara." It was Catherine. Upon hearing no reply from the younger CSI she turned from her locker to face Sara and repeat her greeting. On noticing the defeated posture and the pale skin of the girl on the bench, she instead walked towards her and asked if she was ok.
"Oh hey Catherine. Yeah I'm, um, fine" Sara forced a weak smile and stood up, running her hand through her hair. As she did so, another wave of nausea swept over her and she stumbled slightly to one side, only to be steadied by Catherine who hadn't failed to notice the colour drain from Saras' face even further as she came to stand.
"Your not fine. Come on sit down" The women moved back to sit on the bench and Catherines' hand moved to Saras' back. Sara drew in a deep, shaky breath.
"Sorry."
"It's ok, there is no need to apologise. You want me to get you a glass of water?"
"No it's ok." She glanced at Catherines concerned face and forced another smile. "Thanks."
"You know if not feeling well, you should go home. I'm sure we can cope here for the next couple of hours."
"Oh no really Catherine it's ok. I'm not ill. It just…" She hesitated and looked at the ground drawing in another deep breath as the feeling of nausea crept back through her body. Catherine leaded in closer and moved her hand up to Saras' shoulder, encouraging the girl to continue to talk.
"I think I might be pregnant." It was almost a whisper. Silence followed as neither woman said anything. This was the last thing Catherine had expected. A tear began to roll down Saras cheek.
"How long?"
"I'm not sure." Sara shrugged. "I'm nearly two weeks late." Sara finally met the older woman's gaze, hoping for some kind of comfort or reassurance.
"And is it Hanks?" Sara nodded and looked back at the floor. She could no longer hold back the tears.
"What am I going to do? He wont want anything to do with it I know he wont!" She was sobbing now. "I mean he was cheating on me. No worse than that, he was using me to cheat on someone else!"
"Shhh Sara, it's going to be ok." Pulling Sara towards her she kissed the top of her head and waited for the tears to subside.
"Do you know for sure? I mean have you taken a test?"
"Not yet."
"Ok, well lets get that sorted shall we?" Sara nodded in response. "I'll tell Grissom your not feeling well and that I'm going to take you home."
"You don't have to do that."
"I know. But I can't let you drive in this state and you certainly can't stay here. I don't have to stay with you, just let me drive you to the store. You look like you could use someone right now." Sara knew she was right. She just hated feeling so vulnerable in front of her colleagues. She knew they were more than collegues, they were her friends, even if they didn't always see eye to eye. If anything though, that only seem to make it harder. Before Sara had a chance to protest, Catherine drew her to her feet, handing her the car keys and telling her to wait outside while she found Grissom. Sara nodded, gathered her things from her locker and headed outside, all the time hoping that nobody would see her tear stained face.
The test confirmed it. She couldn't fight the nausea anymore and Sara fell to her knees and threw up in the toilet. She felt Catherines hand on her back, the other pulling her hair away from her face. When she had finished, she slowly drew herself up to took a deep breath. Catherine didn't know what to say. She had never seen Sara like this. So upset and so insecure. It was Sara that spoke first.
"So that's it then."
"Yeah." What else was there to say? Sara brushed pass Catherines shoulder and headed to her kitchen to get a glass of water.
"Can I get you anything?"
"Um, no I'm ok thank you." Sara busied herself with filling a glass form the bottle in the fridge, slowing screwing the lid back on the bottle and closing the fridge door. Catherine watched her, a look of puzzlement and concern on her face. She could tell Sara was holding back, trying to distract herself.
"Sara?" Her tone almost questioning. In response to her name Sara turned and looked up from her glass. She felt herself crumble.
"What am I going to do?" The tears started again and Catherine quickly came to comfort her, taking the glass from her hand and placing it on the kitchen counter. She wrapped her arms around Saras slim figure allowing her to rest her head on her shoulder, the tears now falling readily.
"It's ok Sara, its ok. You don't have to decide now. Just take your time ok." She continued with her words of comfort until the tears had relented and Sara drew away.
"Thank you." What else was there to say?
Catherine spent the next couple of weeks keeping a close eye on Sara. She knew she was still confused: She hadn't told Hank and she certainly hadn't told the rest of the team. Catherine was eager to ensure that Sara didn't take any risks at work and was taking good care of herself, because whatever she decided to do about the baby, she was going to need all the strength she had.
Nobody else seemed to notice anything was different about Sara, or at least they didn't say anything if they did. That is except Greg, who expressed his concern to Catherine over Sara almost fainting in his lab. Catherine had told him not to worry, that Sara was probably just tired, but reassuring him that she would check to see that it was nothing more serious.
She had found Sara in the toilets, her hormones causing her to bring up everything she had eaten since getting out of bed that day.
"Sara?" She bent down next to the shaking form placing a hand on her back.
"I hate this." She managed to get got before gagging again.
"I know." Said Catherine sympathetically, remembering her own bouts of morning sickness. "They don't tell you it doesn't only happen in the morning do they?" This statement had the desired effect, causing Sara to smile and lean back against the wall with a sigh.
"No they don't." she closed her eyes and let her head fall into her hands.
"I don't know if I can handle this for nine months?" she said shaking her head and positioning herself closer to the toilet again. Catherine drew Saras hair away form her face just in time as the nausea got the better of her.
"Finished?" she asked.
"I hope so" Sara leaned back against the wall again and looked up to meet Catherines eyes. She had been so helpful over the past weeks and their friendship had certainly grown. The relationship between the two women had not always been great: Catherine sometimes perceiving Sara as a threat to her position in the team and her relationships with the men she worked with. None of that seem to matter though now.
Sara bit her bottom lip before speaking. "I made a decision."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I can't get rid of this baby Catherine. I just can't. I don't know what I'm going to tell Hank yet, if I tell him, but I know I want to keep this baby." She paused, "I guess he has the right to know." The last line was mumbled as she dropped her head, speaking to herself as much as to Catherine.
"That's great Sara." Catherine smiled and placed a reassuring hand on Saras right shoulder. "And whatever you decide about Hank, you know I will be here to support you. We all will." Sara knew she was referring to the rest of the nightshift.
"I don't want to tell them. Not just yet. I need to decide what I'm going to do about Hank first." Her words were quick and she a pleading look in her eye. She knew that her friends should know about this but she just didn't have the courage to tell them yet.
"That's ok. It's up to you when you tell people about this. Don't feel any pressure."
"I know. I wont."
"And you know if you need me, I'm right here."
"Yeah I know that too. Thanks Catherine." They smiled at each other.
"Now come on. Lets get you off this floor and get some tea into you. That always seemed to do the trick for me!"
Nick and Sara had been working at the scene for nearly two hours. An elderly couple killed in what seem like a home invasion gone wrong. Nick had though it strange when she had said she was going to get some air. He knew that she had sometimes been upset by cases, they all were, but this didn't seem like the type of situation that would normally affect her. When she had been gone for almost ten minutes he began to worry and headed out the back door to find her.
He found her sitting on the back door step, her body hunched forward and shaking slightly.
"Sara. You ok?" he sat down next to her and placed a hand on her back.
"Not really." This shocked Nick, as Sara rarely admitted that something was wrong.
"I think I need to go to the hospital."
"The hospital?" He was confused. He took in her pale skin, the beads of sweat on her forehead and his concern began to grow. "Sara what's wrong?"
Where to begin?
"Please don't be angry." She continued to stare at the floor, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Angry? Why Would I be angry? If…" She cut him off.
"I'm pregnant. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you its just that it's still so early…" her voice trailed off.
"Hey it's ok." He reassured her, sensing the panic in her voice.
"I think there's something wrong."
"Ok." He paused for a moment. There were so many questions he wanted to ask but now didn't seem like the right time. "Are you in pain, is that why you think that?" She nodded. "Look, I'll go tell Brass and…"
"No Nick, no please. I don't want him to know!" The panic rose in her voice again and a tear spilled from her eye.
"Ok, ok." He tried to calm her by placing his other hand on her shoulder and turning her to face him. "I will just say that… your not feeling well and that I'm going to take you home." She nodded and opened her mouth to speak but as she did so a pain shot through her abdomen, causing her to lurch forward and gasp. "Ok Sara, you alright? Just stay calm ok. I'm just going to find Brass and I will be right back. Is that ok?" With out waiting for a reply her rose to his feet and quickly ran around to the front of the hose to explain the situation to the detective. Arranging for Brass to contact Grissom and organize for someone else to finish processing the scene he returned to Sara. She was sat, taking slow deep breaths, trying to stop the world form spinning around her. Nick didn't think it possible, but even more colour had drained from her cheeks. He knelt in front of her and encouraged her shaking form to stand. Her knees were weak and he had to support her weight to stop her from falling. Nick couldn't help but notice the anxious look on the detectives face as they passed him on the way to the car. It was clearly more than a stomach bug as Nick had professed.
Once in the car Nick kept steeling nervous looks at his companion, worried she would loose consciousness.
"How far along are you Sara?" he asked, worried that she wouldn't be able to answer for herself by the time they arrived at the hospital.
"Nearly eight weeks" came the weak reply.
"And is it…" He had to know.
"Hanks? Yeah."
"Do you want me to call him?"
"He doesn't know." She gasped again as the pain resonated in her body.
"Ok, ok Sara just take it easy" he reach out his hand to touch her forearm. "We're nearly there just hang on for me ok." He fought back the tears and continued to offer words of comfort until they arrived at the hospital and the doctor took her away. But his words were not enough. When the doctor returned, he regretfully informed Nick that although Sara was fine, she had lost the baby. The CSI could not fight anymore and he cried for the suffering of his best friend.
She had asked Nick to call Catherine who immediately came to offer her support. "I'm so sorry Sara." The words of condolence seeming like such a small token. Sara asked them if they would mind telling the rest of the team what had happened. She would need some time off and it felt it right that they should all know why.
Nick gathered Grissom, Warrick and Greg (on Saras' request) in the break room where Catherine was already waiting, positioned on a chair by the door.
"What's going on?" Asked Warrick, confused as to what Nick could have to say that was so important.
"It's about Sara." Nick paused. Grissoms' head shot up to look at the younger man, a strange sense of panic washing over him.
"At the scene yesterday, she wasn't feeling to well." He paused again, not sure how best to continue.
"Yeah we know. I came out there when you drove her home."
"Well you see that's the thing. I didn't drive her home, I took her to the hospital." Catherine looked up at Nick as he stopped again, wondering if she should intervene.
"Hospital?" It was Greg this time. The concern evident in his voice.
"She had a miscarriage."
"What?"
"I don't understand." Only Grissom remained silent.
"She didn't tell us she was pregnant because she hadn't told the father yet and it was still early so…"
"Hank?" Greg interrupted.
"Yeah. She wasn't sure he would want to be involved. After what happened." Catherine took over as she sensed Nick was struggling to hold back his emotions. He gave her a grateful look and sat down, his gaze on the floor.
Sara hadn't wanted to tell everyone that she and Hank had split up but Nick had sensed there was something wrong and she saw little point in lying to him. He had then told Greg and eventually almost everyone in the lab knew. Initially she thought she should have been angry, but then she hadn't told Nick to keep it a secret and she was sure that people would have found out eventually anyway.
"Is there anything we can do?" Warrick broke to stunned silence that filled the room. Catherine shrugged. "Just let us know that we are her for her I guess."
"Is she still in the hospital?" Greg asked after a moment.
"Yeah. I'm going to take her home after the shift has ended." Said Catherine. As she finished speaking Grissom, who had still not said a word, turned and left the room. Catherine watched him leave and then turned her gaze back to the solemn faces of the younger men.
"I better go see that he's ok." She finally said, turning to follow the supervisor out of the room, leaving Nick to answer the questions she knew would inevitably come from Warrick and Greg when the news had time to sink in fully.
"Grissom!" She called after him. Catching him us just as he entered his office, she closed the door and waited for him to speak.
"She should have said something Catherine. I would have made sure not to put in any situation that might…"
"Grissom," She cut his off, anticipating what he was about to say. "This wasn't you fault. There was nothing any of us could have done." He knew she was right. "Nick is already blaming himself. Thinks he should have acted faster. Got her to the hospital sooner. I can't have you doing the same thing."
"I know Catherine. It's just…" His voice trailed off, unsure of how to end that sentence. He shook his head and looked down at the desk in front of him.
"Look, I better bet back to work. If you need me…" He nodded and waited until she had closed the door behind her before leaning back in his chair and rubbing his letting out a long sigh.
It was two weeks before Sara returned to work. Catherine and Nick had visited her almost daily. Nick had even slept on her soft for a couple nights when she had first come out of hospital, scared to leave her alone in case anything happened. But nothing did. The painkillers the doctor had given her made her sleep better than she had in years and eventually she began to feel restless. Needing something to take her mind off what had happened. Besides, she was used to putting on a brave face. She had done it all her life. Grissom had offered her more time off but she was insistent.
It wasn't until she had been back at work for little over three weeks that the cracks began to show. She was sent to a scene with Warrick and Grissom. A fire at a house in Henderson had killed an old woman and her daughter and grandson were suffering from minor burns and smoke inhalation. Grissom had been trying to avoid involving Sara in any case that may have upset her, and ordinarily this wouldn't have. Grissom just hadn't accounted for one of the paramedics at the scene being Hank. Sara visibly paled when she saw him. Just stared at his tall, blond figure across the lawn, her expression completely blank. Warrick turned to see what she was so fixated on, his heart stopping the instant he realised. He quietly alerted Grissom and went over to where Sara was standing motionless and alone in the darkness.
"Hey Sara. Why don't we go and look around the back of the house?" He suggested, anything to get her away from the blanket of fear that was sweeping over her.
"I can't talk to him Warrick." She said, not hearing what he had just said.
"I know. Come on…"
"I don't want him to see me like this." She was shaking now. Warrick placed a hand under her elbow and lead her to the back of the house, away form the man she so dreaded.
"Do you want to sit down for a minute?" She shook her head, the question barely registering with her and the reaction coming automatically. Warrick didn't know what else to say so he simply took her in his arms and held her, hoping to take some of the pain away. She didn't cry. She simply stood there, returning his embrace.
